Monday, November 8, 2010        Edition: #4381
Get a Load of This Sheet!

• Here’s a warning: Dina Lohan will apparently appear on NBC’s “Today” this morning to give her ‘State Of the Lohans’ address once again, with the help of her media pal Matt Lauer. We’re told Dina will be yakking about Lindsay’s progress in rehab, her plans for the future, and how the rest of the family is doing … other than ex-hubby Michael. Word has it Lauer called Dina himself and asked her to come on the show. (We’re betting he didn’t have to twist her arm.)
• Meantime, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael is a wanted man. A judge in Suffolk County NY has issued a warrant for his arrest, stemming from a legal case with Kristi Kaufmann, a woman who alleges Lohan fathered her child. Trouble-prone Lohan insists he was unaware of the warrant and believes it’s only because he was a day late making his 2nd child support payment to the Montana mom. (‘Lohan’ and ‘Loser’ both start with a big ‘L’ … coincidence?)
– Jam! Show Biz
• “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” co-stars Shia LaBeouf & Carey Mulligan recently ended their year-long romance. Now the movie’s 66-year-old star Michael Douglas is claiming he warned LaBeouf not to not get involved with his leading lady, as it’s ‘never a good idea to mix business with pleasure’. (Uh Mike, let’s go back to 2000 and your movie “Traffic” co-starring … future wife Catherine Zeta-Jones.)
• A new report claims Britain’s Prince William & long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton are set to finally wed in 2011 after a Christmas engagement. Fueling the rumor is the news that Middleton has received an official invite to join Queen Elizabeth II and the rest of the royal family at their Sandringham estate this holiday season. UK bookmaking firm Ladbrokes has made the month of December the 7:4 favorite for the announcement of the wedding engagement. (In Britain you can bet on anything. Odds of a Brit having 32 teeth at age 25 … 250,000:1.)
– “News Of the World”
• The DA attempting to put actor-turned-house squatter Randy Quaid & wife Evi Quaid behind bars has blasted their claims that they were unaware of missed Santa Barbara CA court dates. The Quaids remain in Vancouver for another immigration hearing today where they’ll be asking for asylum as ‘refugees’. Under California law, the bail bond company that put up the original $1 million for the couple (which has now been forfeited) has 180 days to get them back in court or it loses the money. (So there’s likely now someone akin to ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ on their trail.)
• And 56-year-old actor John Travolta flew his own Boeing 707 (‘Jett Clipper Ella’) into Sydney, Australia Friday to celebrate the 90th birthday of Qantas Airlines, for which he serves as a ‘Roving International Ambassador’. Travolta was guest of honor at the celebrations, where he warned the thousands of attendees that he’d head straight back to the US on a 22-hour flight if his 48-year-old wife Kelly Preston went into labor. They’re expecting their 3rd child, which is thanks they say to ‘a miracle’. (BS translation: ‘A surrogate’.)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – The debut of Conan O’Brien’s latest late night effort (11 pm) features  movie actor Seth Rogen; Lea Michele (“Glee”); and rocker Jack White (White Stripes played on his final “Late Night” show before taking over “The Tonight Show”).
• “Decision Points: A Conversation With George W Bush” (NBC) – The 43rd US president discusses his memoirs.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Neil Diamond (“Dreams”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Matt & Kim (“Sidewalks”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Toots & the Maytals (“Flip & Twist”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Cee-Lo Green (“The Lady Killer”, out tomorrow).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Now airing at 12 am after “Conan”; Rooney (“Rooney”).
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV) – An interview with Michael Jackson’s parents, Katherine & Joe Jackson, and MJ’s 3 children, recorded during a visit to the Jackson family’s Encino CA compound last month.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Josh Groban (“Illuminations”, out November 15th).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – NERD (“Nothing”).

• Adele – The Brit pop singer has announced her sophomore album will be titled “21”. The follow-up to her breakthrough debut, “19”, is being co-produced by Rick Rubin.
• Billy Joel – A new book by Michael Heatley & Frank Hopkinson called “The Girl In the Song” claims the “Uptown Girl” that Bill Joel sang about in his 1983 hit was not Christie Brinkley, who appeared in the video and was later Joel’s wife. Instead, the authors write that Joel was singing about supermodel Elle MacPherson, whom he dated previously for a time.
• Katy Perry – She tells British “Cosmopolitan” she’s no prude but she’ll never pose nude. As much as she loves to tease, the newly-minted Mrs Russell Brand vows she’ll never do a “Playboy” magazine-type spread.
• Lily Allen – The Brit pop star was rushed to hospital by ambulance Friday night to be treated for potentially fatal blood-poisoning condition septicaemia, just days after suffering a miscarriage.
• The Police – Heavily-favored Zenyatta lost Saturday’s “Breeders Cup Classic” at Churchill Downs in Louisville KY by inches, her first-ever loss on the racetrack. Her owner, music mogul Jerry Moss (A&M Records), named her after the 1980 Police album “Zenyatta Mondatta”.
• Taylor Swift – She’s revealed a number of overseas tour dates for early 2011. She’ll play Singapore, South Korea, Japan, the Philippines, Hong Kong, Belgium, the Netherlands, Norway, Germany, France, Spain, Ireland, and the UK in February and March.
• The Verve – Former frontman Richard Ashcroft has recorded the new solo project, “The United Nations Of Sound”, to be released in early 2011. He’ll tour in support of the album.

FutureBrand, a NYC-based global consulting firm, has released its 6th annual ranking of countries as ‘brand names’. The value of each nation’s ‘brand’ is determined by its quality of life, tourism appeal and value systems, among other factors. This year’s top 5 …
5. Switzerland
4. United States
3. New Zealand
2. Australia
1. Canada
(The 3 worst performing country brands: Zimbabwe, Iran, and Pakistan.)

Today Microsoft and AT&T launch the new ‘Windows Phone 7’ with free concerts featuring Katy Perry at the Roseland Ballroom in NYC, and Maroon 5 at the Fillmore in San Francisco CA. Tickets are available exclusively at AT&T stores in those cities today. The new smart phone offers a new ‘Metro’ user interface, which integrates the operating system with Microsoft’s other services. Microsoft plans to strictly control the hardware it runs on. (Once again showing it’s the mean kid in the schoolyard, refusing to play nice with everybody else.)

NYC photographer Nancy Rica Schiff compiled a series of photos of ordinary people with extraordinary employment for her book, “Odd Jobs: Portraits of Unusual Occupations”. Among the weirder ways she found people making a living: ‘Bull Semen Sample Collector’; a female ‘Men’s Room Attendant’; an ‘Odor Tester’, paid to sniff things like feet, diapers, kitty litter, and body odor; and ‘Private School Headmistress’ … at Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls’. (Weirdest job around here … ‘BS Compiler’.)
– “Rangefinder”

This month ‘Monopoly’ turns 75-years-old. A few facts about  the real estate board game that takes forever to play …
• ‘Monopoly’ is now available in 111 countries and has been translated into 43 languages.
• More than 275 million games have been sold worldwide.
• The total amount of money in the game’s bank is $20,580 (30 bills per denomination).
• Last year’s ‘Monopoly World Championship’ winner in Las Vegas won that same amount in real cash.
• According to game-maker Hasbro, the longest game every played was 1,680 hrs (70 days).
– Condensed from “The Toilet Paper”

A species of bark spider recently discovered in Madagascar spins the largest webs ever recorded … up to 82 feet (25 m) over streams, rivers, and lakes. It’s been named Caerostris darwini after evolution theorist Charles Darwin. The spider itself is only a few inches long and eats insects such as bees and mayflies. (Can “Bark Spider” the horror movie be far off?)
– “Smithsonian Magazine”

• ‘Tea Parties’ weren’t invented until the 1830s, which means the 1773 ‘Boston Tea Party’ wasn’t known by that name until more than 60 years after the event. Up until then it was referred to as ‘The Destruction Of the Tea’. (Does Sarah Palin know about this?)
– BBC News Magazine
• The most successful military power in European history is France. Out of 168 battles fought since 387 BC, they have won 109, lost 49, and drawn 10. (Time to quit using France as the brunt of jokes about surrendering.)


1931 [79] Morley Safer, Toronto ON, TV journalist (“60 Minutes” since 1970)

1949 [61] Bonnie Raitt, Burbank CA, pop singer/songwriter (“Something to Talk About”, “I Can’t Make You Love Me”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2000)

1950 [60] Mary Hart (Harum), Sioux Falls SD, TV personality (“Entertainment Tonight” since 1982)

1953 [57] Alfre Woodard, Tulsa OK, movie actress (“Beauty Shop”)/TV actress (“Desperate Housewives” 2005-06)

1975 [35] Tara Reid, Wyckoff NJ, party girl/TV personality (“Wild On …” 2005)/movie actress (“American Pie” movies)

1977 [33] Bucky Covington, Rockingham NC, country singer (“I’ll Walk”, “A Different World”)/“American Idol 5” finalist (2006)

• “Abet & Aid Punsters Day”, a day to make up incredibly bad puns, proclaimed by Punsters Unlimited who say the all-time best triple pun is ‘Though he’s not very humble, there’s no police like Holmes’.

• “Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day”, a day to offset the coming chills of Winter. What’s the most pungent thing you can cook? In other words, what stinks up the kitchen most … Cabbage rolls? Fish? Lamb? Garlic? Onions?

• “Parents as Teachers Day”. Check out any kid who’s constantly scoring ‘A’s and you’ll likely find that kid gets a lot of help at home.

• “Return It! Day”, a day to take back all the stuff you’ve borrowed from others. According to a survey, 65% of us have borrowed something from a neighbor. Top loaners for men – ‘tools’, borrowed by 37%. Most borrowed item by women – ‘sugar’, which 25% say they’ve trotted next door for.

1965 [45] 1st episode of daytime TV soap “Days Of Our Lives” (“Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives …”)

2001 [09] Microsoft releases its newly-developed game console ‘Xbox’ ($299)

2005 [05] Kenny Chesney releases the album “The Road & The Radio”, featuring the #1 hits “Living in Fast Forward”, “Summertime”, and “Beer In Mexico”

1910 [100] 1st ‘Insect Electrocutor’, invented by William Frost of Spokane WA  BS FACTOID: A recent study finds that a single bug zapper may kill more than 10,000 flying insects in a year but only a couple dozen of them will be mosquitoes or other biting insects. Instead, harmless bugs of all kinds, including rare and endangered ones, are fried.

1970 [40] New Orleans Saints kicker Tom Dempsey (born without a right hand and only half his kicking foot) boots NFL-record 63-yd field goal vs Detroit (tied in 1998 by Denver’s Jason Elam)

[Tues] Videogame “Karaoke Revolution Glee” released
[Wed] 44th CMA Awards (Nashville TN)
[Wed] US Marine Corps Birthday
[Wed] Sesame Street Day
[Wed] “Morning Glory” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Remembrance Day (Canada)
[Thurs] Veterans Day (USA)

Canadian Poppy Week / Dear Santa Letter Week / Nurse Practitioners Week / Pursuit of Happiness Week / Rad Tech Week / World Kindness Week / Young Reader’s Week


A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Mid-life is when the growth of leg hair slows down, giving you plenty of time to care for your newly-acquired mustache.
• Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and see your rear end without turning around.
• Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize it’s the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
• Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young thing in a tight top and scream at them, “Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell … and those will, too!”
• Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, text-addicted teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
• Mid-life is when your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing you can still retain is water.
• Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the ‘big’ questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much ‘Healthy Choice’ ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen someone attempt to do while driving?

Irish author Bram Stoker was born 163 years ago today (1847). He published “Dracula”, the prototype of most vampire tales, in 1897. What real-life Transylvanian ruler was the character based on?
a. Vlad the Impaler [CORRECT. Vlad III (1431–76) became famous for the cruel punishments he imposed on enemies.]
b. Ivan the Terrible
c. Peter the Incisor

I have all the money I’ll need for the rest of my life … as long as I die by 4 this afternoon.

Today’s Question: The first person to do THIS professionally was paid a salary of $500.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Football player. (

Technically, the glass is always full. It may be half-air and half-water, but it’s full!

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