Tuesday, November 8, 2011        Edition: #4625
Get a Load of This Sheet!

Kim Kardashian flew to Minnesota on the weekend, where estranged hubby Kris Humphries is currently hiding out, and was photographed making a phone call outside his Chanhassen home (“C’mon, let me in, I’ve got another way to make money out of all this!”) . . . While answering random questions on local TV show “Rove LA”, singer kd lang has revealed she thinks Justin Bieber is hot, but mostly because he ‘looks like a lesbian’ (will this lead to a maternity suit?) . . . Meantime, Bieber’s accuser Mariah Yeater tells “The Insider” she got pregnant with her son Tristyn after ‘30 seconds of unprotected sex’ with the pop star in a backstage bathroom (if he was 16 at the time, couldn’t she be charged with having underage sex?) . . . In a new interview, Lindsay Lohan’s mother says her daughter’s recent “Playboy” shoot was ‘tastefully done’ (if anyone knows tasteful, it’s Dina Lohan, right?) . . . Movie star Johnny Depp tells “The Guardian” he’s moved his family from France after government officials asked him to become a permanent resident, meaning he’d have to pay tax (he’ll now spend less than the limit of 183 days a year there) . . . Former “CSI” star Gary Dourdan (‘Warrick Brown’ in 183 episodes 2000-08) has been arrested in Venice CA, charged with felony battery, and is being held on $50,000 bail after allegedly breaking his former girlfriend’s nose (man, this guy’s life has tanked big-time) . . . And actress-animal rights advocate Pamela Anderson is urging fans to join her and “Glee” star Lea Michele in signing an online petition calling for a ban of traditional horse-drawn carriages in NYC’s Central Park following the accidental death of a 2nd mare in the past 2 weeks (there’s been far more fatal car accidents – ban them too?).

• “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3” – The latest edition of one of the most successful videogame franchises is released today in Europe and North America for Microsoft Windows, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and Wii.
• “Dancing With the Stars (ABC/CTV) – Andrea Bocelli (“Concerto, One Night in Central Park”) performs; Flo Rida performs “Club Can’t Handle Me”/”Good Feeling”;  Jordin Sparks sings “I Am Woman”; another couple is eliminated in the 8th-round results show.
• Giller Prize – This year’s winner of one of the top prizes in Canadian literature is announced.
• “In the Spotlight With Robin Roberts: All Access Nashville” (ABC) – In her 3rd annual primetime special before the “CMA Awards”, Roberts talks with Faith Hill, Kenny Chesney, Keith Urban, Lauren Alaina, Scotty McCreery, and Sugarland’s Jennifer Nettles.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Wale (“Ambition”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Decemberists (“Long Live the King”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Montréal duo Chromeo (“Business Casual”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Hedley (“Storms”).
• “The Rosie Show” (OWN) – Cyndi Lauper (“Memphis Blues”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Lyle Lovett (“Natural Forces”).

• Avril Lavigne – She’s denying suggestions she started the now infamous barroom brawl early Sunday that sent her boyfriend Brody Jenner to an LA hospital. She claims she was attacked by 5 people ‘out of nowhere’, leaving her with a ‘black eye, bloody nose, and hair ripped out’.
• Justin Bieber – TMZ reports that his lawyer has contacted the attorneys for purported baby mama Mariah Yeater to confirm the Biebs will take a paternity test when he returns from Europe in 2 weeks in the hope of putting an end to what he believes is a totally bogus story.
• Lady Gaga – She’s getting her own Thanksgiving special on November 24th, a 90-minute show on ABC-TV that will feature live songs and an interview with Katie Couric.
• Montgomery Gentry – Somewhere in the retail world, there’s a CD copy of their new album “Rebels On the Run” with a ‘golden ticket’ inside. The fan lucky enough to purchase it will win a one-of-a-kind Demented Cycles custom chopper designed with input from the duo.
• Rascal Flatts – Jay DeMarcus has reveled they’re teaming with stylist John Murphy to market their first-ever clothing collection. Right now the project is in the design phase, he says.
• Rush – Today the Canadian prog-rock trio releases a new live album, “Time Machine 2011: Live In Cleveland”, featuring a live performance of the 1981 album “Moving Pictures” in its entirety. Available on vinyl, in a 2-CD package, or as a CD/DVD set.
• “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Soundtrack” – Today’s soundtrack release from the upcoming movie (out November 18th) includes tracks by Belle Brigade, Bruno Mars, Christina Perri, the Joy Formidable, and Theophilus London.
• Velvet Revolver – Bassist Duff McKagan says he’s confident the supergroup will have a new frontman by the end of 2011. They’ve been on hiatus ever since Scott Weiland was fired over 3 years ago. McKagan offers no hint as to who the new singer might be.

• “The Change-Up” ( R-Rated Comedy ): After a night of drinking, a family guy (Jason Bateman) magically switches bodies with his longtime friend (Ryan Reynolds), a single, responsibility-free hedonist. As the guys experience the realities of each other’s lives, they work on a way to get their old ones back. Co-stars Leslie Mann, Olivia Wilde.
• “Life In a Day” (NR Documentary) – On July 24, 2010 thousands of people around-the-world uploaded videos of their lives to YouTube to take part in an historic cinematic experiment to create a documentary about a single day on Earth. This production from National Geographic Films compiles the results.
• “13” ( R-Rated Action) – A desperate man steals an envelope containing instructions for a mysterious job that promises a potential fortune, only to find himself a numbered participant in an underworld Russian roulette competition where gamblers place bets on who’ll survive when the trigger is pulled. Stars Jason Statham, Sam Riley, 50 Cent, Mickey Rourke.
• Also released today: “Barbie: A Perfect Christmas” (Animation); “The Doors: Mr Mojo Risin’ – The Story of LA Woman” (Music Documentary); “Great Directors” (Documentary); and “Law & Order: The Complete Series” (TV).

• Make sure your Facebook page is squeaky clean. Click through your photos and remove any that show you doing anything stupid, offensive, or illegal. Read through your profile, favorite links, pages you’ve ‘liked’, etc and use the same criteria. Do the same anywhere else you have a digital presence.
• Untag yourself. Your pages may be clean, but your friends may have posted pics that are unsuitable. Untag yourself from questionable photos on anyone’s social networking page, even if the photos don’t show up on yours.
• Google yourself. If employers are doing it to find out about you, you should too. You may be surprised by where you pop up, and in what context. If you find anything potentially incriminating that you can’t remove yourself, ask the owner of the profile or website to take it down.
• Set up an email account that’s used only for professional correspondence. Anything associated with that address should be able to pass muster as being classy, reputable, and above-board.
– Condensed from RD.com

Roughly a third of North Americans between the ages of 25-and-29 have a tattoo, as do a quarter of those 30-to-39. But ‘tattoo remorse’ is leading many of the painted masses to rethink their ink and opt for increasingly available laser removal procedures at specialty removal shops, like California’s Dr Tattoff. The company’s founder, Beverly Hills dermatologist Will Kirby, says the average patient is a female between the ages of 25-and-40 who got a tattoo as an aesthetic statement but now has a different lifestyle. He says they see a lot more bad tattoos than good ones. (Dumbest idea we’ve seen in the ink biz … tattoo parlors located inside bars.)
– TheGlobeandMail.com


• Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – A bridegroom-to-be has just been ordered by a judge to pay $6,500 for calling off his weeding … back in 2007. The so-called ‘moral and material damages’ are intended to compensate the jilted bride for wedding costs and visits to a psychologist to deal with her grief over the end of the relationship. According to a local newspaper, there have been at least 2 similar cases in the past 7 years.
– “O Estado de Sao Paulo”
• New York NY – A former groom is suing his wedding photographer for missing important events during the big day … 8 years ago. He’s demanding the lens-man pay $48,000 to fly the entire wedding party back to NYC to re-create the event so it can be shot properly. But here’s the hitch … the wedding couple isn’t even married anymore. In fact, the briefly wed couple are no longer in contact as the litigant’s former wife now lives in Latvia.
– CBC.ca


Our ranking of the strangest past & present flavors offered by high-end jelly bean maker, Jelly Belly, many as part of spoof collections specifically intended to gross out users …
10. Pickled Pigs Feet
9. Skunk Spray
8. Moldy Cheese
7. Canned Dog Food
6. Ear Wax
5. Pencil Shavings
4. Roasted Garlic
3. Rotten Egg
2. Baby Wipes
1. Booger


• Newly-released figures show the world pumped 512 million more metric tons of carbon into the air in 2010 than in 2009, an increase of about 6%. That means the levels of greenhouse gases are now higher than the worst-case scenario predicted by climate experts 4 years ago.
– AP
• According to a new study, dogs being walked by men are 4 times more likely to threaten and bite other dogs than those being walked by women.
– “Discovery News”


1931 [80] Morley Safer, Toronto ON, TV journalist (“60 Minutes” since 1970)

1949 [62] Bonnie Raitt, Burbank CA, pop singer-songwriter (“Something to Talk About”, “I Can’t Make You Love Me”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2000)

1977 [34] Jully Black, Toronto ON, pop-R&B singer-songwriter (“Seven Day Fool”, “Sweat of Your Brow”)

1983 [28] Chris Rankin, Auckland, New Zealand, movie actor (‘Percy Weasley’ in “Harry Potter” films)

1988 [23] Jessica Lowndes, Vancouver BC (‘Adrianna Tate-Duncan’ on “90210” since 2008)

1994 [17] Lauren Alaina, Rossville GA, country singer (“Georgia Peaches”)/TV personality (“American Idol 10” runner-up)


• “Abet & Aid Punsters Day”, a day to make up incredibly bad puns, as proclaimed by the group Punsters Unlimited. A few of the best (worst?) groaners that caught our eye …
– Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”
– The algebra teacher confiscated a rubber-band pistol in class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
– I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
– Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
– Then there was the person who sent 10 puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did.

• “Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day”, a day to offset the coming chills of Winter. What’s the most pungent thing you can cook? In other words, what stinks up the kitchen most … Cabbage rolls? Fish? Lamb? Garlic? Onions?

• “Parents as Teachers Day”. Check out any kid who’s constantly scoring ‘A’s and you’ll likely find that kid gets a lot of help at home.
NET: http://www.parentsasteachers.org

• “Return It! Day”, a day to take back all the stuff you’ve borrowed from others. According to a recent survey, books are the most borrowed item; 2nd on the list is jumper cables; and the 3rd-most-borrowed item is scissors.

• “Young Readers Day”, observed annually on the 2nd Tuesday of November, to remind us of the joys and importance of reading for young people.
NET: http://www.bookitprogram.com

2001 [10] Microsoft releases its newly-developed game console ‘Xbox’ ($299)


1995 [16] Financially-strapped Michael Jackson merges his company, ATV Music Publishing (the one with early Beatles hits), with Sony Music Publishing in a deal worth some $110 million (Jackson keeps half-ownership but as debts mount, his share is whittled down over time)

1970 [41] New Orleans Saints kicker Tom Dempsey (born without a right hand and only half his kicking foot) boots NFL-record 63-yd field goal vs Detroit (tied in 1998 by Denver’s Jason Elam and in 2011 by Oakland’s Sebastian Janikowski, but those kicks were at Mile High Stadium)

[Wed] “45th CMA Awards” (ABC)
[Wed] “J Edgar” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Full ‘Beaver’ Moon
[Thurs] “12th Latin Grammy Awards” (Las Vegas NV)
[Thurs] Day of Play
[Thurs] “Sesame Street” Day
This Week Is … Pursuit of Happiness Week
This Month Is … Adopt a Senior Pet Month


• As you drive off the lot, you notice the sales reps wildly high-fiving each other.
• It fails the emissions test even when it’s not running.
• Doesn’t have quite enough power to get over speed bumps.
• Page 72 of the owner’s manual includes several prayers.
• As an incentive, the sales guy offered to knock $500 off your funeral.
• Hi-tech digital display indicates the number of people now laughing at you.
• Every time you fill the gas tank, its blue book value doubles.
• It goes from 0-to-60 in 9 days.
• To make a right turn, you have to get out and physically turn the wheels.
• It leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid, and blood.

What would be the best thing about being the opposite sex?


Typing the phrase ‘do a barrel roll’ (no quotation marks) into Google search will make your screen rotate 360 degrees. The stunt was created by a Google software engineer with the goal of entertaining users while showcasing the power of CSS3, a new presentation feature. It won’t work on older versions of browsers.

Which should you do to ensure your toothbrush remains germ-free?
a. Microwave it for 15 seconds before each brushing.
b. Keep it in a baggie in the freezer when not in use.
c. Store it bristles-down in a glass of mouthwash. [CORRECT. It’s recommended you replace the mouthwash every 2 days and the toothbrush every 2 months.]
– New York College of Dentistry


She was only a moonshine maker, but he loved her still.

Question: The average person does THIS 5 times a day.
Answer: Talks to themselves.


No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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