Monday, November 9, 2015       Edition: #5367

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

★ Tonight previews begin at NYC’s Winter Garden Theatre for a new musical version of “School of Rock”. The stage adaptation of the 2003 film comedy that starred Jack Black features new music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. It stars 28-year-old Alex Brightman as frustrated hard-rock musician-turned-substitute teacher ‘Dewey Finn’. Opening night for the new musical is scheduled for December 6th.
★ Adele has released the track listing for her new album and, weirdly, every song on there could be a cover. It’s only the 11th track that doesn’t share its title with someone else’s hit. Check it out …
1. “Hello” (Lionel Richie)
2. “Send My Love” (St Vincent)
3. “I Miss You” (Blink 182)
4. “When We Were Young” (Killers)
5. “Remedy” (Little Boots)
6. “Water Under the Bridge” (Gregory Porter)
7. “River Lea” (Nick Mulvey)
8. “Love In The Dark” (Yacht)
9. “Million Years Ago” (Garth Green)
10. “All I Ask” (Crowded House)
11. “Sweetest Devotion” (Original?)
The album is out November 20th.
★ And 35-year-old retired model Gisele Bundchen’s new $700-book has sold out before even being released. Only 1,000 copies of the limited edition book “Gisele” were printed on Friday … all of which had already been pre-ordered. Proceeds from the 536-page coffee table book go to charity. The titanic tome includes many of the model’s most memorable shoots from 74 photographers over her 20-year career.

• Blink-182 – Cassette releases have become fashionable again in certain circles and the Blink-182 catalogue is the latest to be issued in the format. “Dude Ranch”; “Enema Of the State”; “The Mark, Tom & Travis Show” and their 2003 self-titled release are all being sold as limited-edition tapes. Too bad you trashed your tape player 10 years ago.
• Chris Stapleton – After scooping 3 CMA Awards on Wednesday night, he’s poised to have the best selling album on the new ‘Billboard 200’ albums list when it’s released tomorrow. Thanks to the trophies, “Traveller” has generated a lot of new interest after initially being released in May.
• Coldplay – It’s now confirmed Beyoncé has recorded a collaboration for their upcoming album “A Head Full of Dreams”, due for release December 4th. Brit rocker Noel Gallagher, Swedish singer Tove Lo, and gospel star Merry Clayton also feature on various tracks.
• Ed Sheeran – His 2nd album “x” has now broken the UK album chart record for ‘Longest Stay In the Top 10’. Since July 2014 the album has been lodged there for 72 weeks.
• Elvis Presley – He’s back atop the UK album chart 38 years after his death. “If I Can Dream”, a collection of his songs reworked by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, has shot to #1 this week.
• Eric Church – Recording on his surprise new album “Mr Misunderstood”, released Thursday, was completed only a month ago.

• “Daily Show” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Pras (ex-The Fugees).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Justin Bieber (“Purpose”, out Friday).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – ‘Mash-Up Monday’ with Joss Stone Temple Pilots.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Reunited ’80s band Jesus & Mary Chain.
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – Alanis Morissette (“Jagged Little Pill 20th Anniversary Collector’s Edition”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats (“Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Seal (“7”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Chris Janson (“Buy Me a Boat”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – The remaining artists perform for the coaches in hope of making it to the next round.

✗ A NYC juror has been fined $1,000 after she … illegally posted complaints about her ‘boredom’ during the trial on Facebook. She later shared her frustration with jury deliberations with her online ‘friends’. One of them tipped off prosecutors resulting in a mistrial for the defendant, who was charged with first-degree robbery. Court sources say the juror’s social network posts have wasted thousands of dollars. (Why not just hold trials on Facebook?)
– “NY Daily News”
✗ A Norwegian team has brought their souped-up lawnmower to speeds of nearly 135 mph to break the 117 mph world record. The Norwegian Speed Factory team says their modified Viking T6 lawnmower has been rebuilt to achieve 408 horsepower with a V-8 engine and has the wheels of a Formula 3 race car. Their official new record … 133.5 mph. (You can now mow your lawn in 3 seconds!)
✗ A miserly grandma in Austria has shredded the equivalent of $1.02 million in cash … so her family can’t have it. The 85-year-old reportedly cut up her cash fortune as one of her last acts while on her deathbed. Retirement home workers collecting her belongings discovered the 950,000 euros chopped into small pieces on her bed in the facility. Authorities say the woman was within her rights to destroy the money, as it was her own property. (Let that be a lesson … never criticize your gran’s cookies!)
– Yahoo! News

It’s the ‘2015 Whisky Advent Calendar’! Could there be a better way to get into the festive spirit(s)? Behind each of the calendar’s 24 windows lies a different ‘Drinks By the Dram’ sample of delicious whisky, including a rare 50-year-old Scotch, an award-winning Japanese whisky, and the winner of the ‘World’s Best Blended Whisky’ award. Each handmade, wax-sealed dram allows whisky fans to sample a new brand. 18-year-old Glenfiddich anyone? The cost of all this revelry … close to $200. If you’re not a Scotch fan the calendar is also available in rum and vodka versions.

An Austrian-American research team has documented the moves of men on the prowl in bars and clubs. Among their observations …
• Men looking for companions average 13 glances per half-hour at a target female.
• They are more likely to stand or sit with their legs wide apart and hands on hips.
• They make an average of 19 ‘space maximization’ moves in a half-hour such as expansive gestures, sprawling across seating, or resting their arms on adjacent seats.
• They make ‘dominant male’ gestures towards fellow men, jokingly punching them, tapping them on the shoulder, slapping them on the back, or elbowing them in the ribs.
• They stroke their beard area, an implicit signal to draw attention to facial features.
• The giveaway sign of a man who’s not about to ‘score’ … crossed arms and drooped shoulders. (Not to mention eyeglasses held together with masking tape.)
– “The Times”

Watch out for these red flags that could lead to heartbreak …
• Differences in religion. Even relatively secular people realize how important religion can become to them when marriage and children enter the picture.
• You want marriage, your partner doesn’t. Whether it’s your 1st or 5th marriage, if your partner is not on the same page, the relationship should not be continued.
• There’s someone else who’s new and interesting. Don’t try to bargain the old relationship back. Three’s a crowd, as they say, and it’s time to move on.
• Too many secrets. If you seriously want a long-term relationship, open up and communicate about your lives.
• Jealousy. Subtly or not, if you are threatened by your partner’s friends, family, and co-workers it will become apparent. Either trust in him/her or move on.
• Spending issues. Being honest about your money situation can help the relationship grow free of any waiting landmines. Never lie about money.
– Condensed from

✓ Research from Britain’s University of Bristol shows that people who exercise on workdays are more productive, happier, and experience less stress than on non-gym days.
✓ A study conducted by UK’s University of Coventry in which 4,000 adults were polled about their happiness, shows that healthy eaters who eat 4 servings of fruits and vegetables per day feel the best emotionally.
✓ Having sex in the morning releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin, which makes couples feel loving and bonded all day long. So morning sex can literally make your day.
– Adapted from

The average ‘Joe’ is now 37-years-old, according to a new study of the popularity of names by year. (Ask anyone their name, then use the charts below to guess their age.)


1972 [43] Eric Dane, San Francisco CA, TV actor (‘Dr Mark Sloan’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2006)

1973 [42] Nick Lachey, Harlan KY, TV personality (“The Sing-Off” 2009-11, “Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica” 2003-05)/former boy-band singer (98 Degrees-“I Do Cherish You”)

1978 [37] Sisqo (Mark Andrews), Baltimore MD, hip-hop artist (“Thong Song”, Dru Hill-“These Are the Times”)

1988 [27] Nikki Blonsky, Great Neck NY, movie actress (“Hairspray”)

• “Bundt Day”, celebrating the cake of that name that’s baked in a special mold. It was first popularized in the 1950s and ’60s. Time to get out that ‘Bundt pan’ you never use so you can justify owning it for another year.

• “Chaos Never Dies Day”, the one day of the year to acknowledge that chaos is essential to a harmonious universe. (And 24-hour news channels.)

• “World Orphans Day”, observed annually on the 2nd Monday of November to raise awareness of the plight of orphans and displaced children around-the-world.

2004 [11] Swedish writer Stieg Larsson dies suddenly of a heart attack at age 50, shortly after turning in the manuscripts for 3 crime thrillers which go on to be best-sellers: “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”, “The Girl Who Played With Fire”, and “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” BS FACTOID: A new sequel to the series, “The Girl In the Spider’s Web” by Swedish writer David Lagercrantz is now among the top 10 best-sellers.

2006 [09] The Rolling Stones’ “Bigger Bang” tour is reported to have taken in $230 million in just 10 months, after playing to nearly 2 million fans

2001 [14] The 3,400-seat, $94-million Kodak Theatre, designed to be the permanent home of the Academy Awards, opens in Hollywood CA (now known as the Dolby Theatre)

2004 [11] Roger Clemens of the Houston Astros wins a record 7th Cy Young Award as his league’s best pitcher

[Tues] “Giller Prize” (CBC)
[Tues] Sesame Street Day
[Tues] World Science Day for Peace & Development
[Wed] Hollywood Music in Media Awards (LA CA)
[Wed] Diwali begins (Hindu)
[Wed] Red Lipstick Day

Dear Santa Letter Week / Geography Awareness Week / Nurse Practitioners Week / Split Pea Soup Week / World Kindness Week / Young Readers Week


Highlight bits culled from 22 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• If you cross a Pointer and a Setter you get a ‘Poinsetter’, a traditional Christmas pet.
• A Bloodhound and a Labrador — ‘Blabador’, a dog that barks incessantly.
• A Pekinese and a Lhasa Apso — ‘Peekasso’, an abstract dog.
• A Collie and Malamute — ‘Commute’, a dog that travels well.
• A Deerhound and a Terrier — ‘Derriere’, a dog that’s a pain in the butt.
• A Labrador and a Curly-Coated Retriever — A ‘Lab Coat Retriever’, a favorite of scientists.
• A Collie and a Lhaso Apso — ‘Collapso’, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
• A Bloodhound and Borzoi — ‘Bloody Bore’, a dog that’s just not much fun.
– First published in “BS” 1999.

• In Brazil’s capitol city Brasilia, theaters and buses must legally set aside special super-sized seats for overweight people. (Asking for a ticket in ‘Fat Ass’ is sooo embarrassing!)
• In the province of Québec, it is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them. (Unless they have a fat will.)
• A driver who needs to turn through oncoming traffic has the right of way in Belgium, unless he slows down or stops. (It’s the ‘Grand Prix’ law.)
• It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday in Ontario. (Especially with a priest.)
• An ordinance in Newcastle WY specifically bans sex inside a walk-in meat freezer. (Something to do with frozen wieners.)
• In Finland, taxi drivers must pay royalties if they play music in their cars for paying customers. (“You wanna tune, you gotta tip.”)
• You cannot water the lawn when it’s raining in Nova Scotia. (But you can make hay while the sun shines.)
• In Kentucky, it is illegal to marry your wife’s grandmother. (Seems your own grandma is OK.)
• In Finland, taxi drivers must pay royalties if they play music in their cars for paying customers. (“You wanna tune, you gotta tip.”)
• Organizations may not hold meetings while members are in costume in North Carolina. (Takes all the fun out of the weekly Blue Ridge S&M Club get-together.)
– First published in “BS” 2012.

☎ What’s something you regret quitting?

When all else fails, read the instructions.

What famous fictional character attended ‘Birchwood Elementary School’?
a. ‘Bart Simpson’
b. ‘Harry Potter’
c. ‘Charlie Brown’ [CORRECT. As well as ‘Lucy’, ‘Linus’, and the whole gang in “Peanuts”.]

Question: More than half of women surveyed say they’ll kiss a man on the first date if he has THIS going for him.
Answer: He smells good.

The problem with getting a life is making the payments.

Donal Quinlan @ Cork City Community Radio, Cork, Ireland; Cory Daniels @ American Country Radio Network, Fargo ND; Andre Hoeden @ ONE FM Singapore; Michael Catron @ Hot Country 93.5 [WAIN] Columbia KY; David Alexander @ 89.9 KIC Country [CKKI] Montréal QC; Wilson Honrado @ Rádio Comercial, Lisboa, Portugal; Jeff Lorig @ 95.9 FM [KNIL-LP] Creighton NE; and Alan Kwiatkowski @ Open Forum Radio, Bluffton SC.

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