Wednesday, October 20, 2004        Edition: #2891
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

TONIGHT is the premiere of the 6th season of NBC-TV’s “The West Wing” as President ‘Jed Bartlet’ is nearing the end of his administration and others are beginning the fight to replace him, including Jimmy Smits playing a Democratic hopeful and Alan Alda a Republican (the series began a year-and-a-half into the ‘Bartlet’ administration so his 2nd term would end a year from January) . . . TONIGHT actress Susan Sarandon hosts a Hollywood lingerie auction to benefit the ‘Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’ in which fans can bid on corsets designed by celebrities, including Britney Spears, Geena Davis & Edie Falco (wait a sec, they’re trying to counteract sexual abuse by selling – celebrity underwear?) . . . CBS-TV’s “Late Late Show” is getting better ratings with guest hosts than it ever did with former host Craig Kilborn . . . Although the 2nd season of “The Apprentice” is just getting going, Donald Trump confirms the 3rd season is already being shot . . . In the upcoming BBC-TV reality series “Demolition”, British viewers will be asked to vote for the country’s worst building – and the ‘winner’ will be blown up! . . . Relatively unknown actor Brandon Routh (‘Seth Anderson’ on daytime drama “One Life to Live” 2001-2002) has agreed to play the lead in the upcoming movie “Superman Returns”, and Mischa Barton (“The OC”) and Topher Grace (“That ’70s Show”) are in negotiations to play ‘Lois Lane’ and ‘Jimmy Olsen’ . . . Actress Angelina Jolie is reportedly adopting a 2nd child, a 7-month-old Russian orphan named ‘Gleb’, and now must attend adoption hearings in Moscow over the next 6 months to make it legal . . . “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini has reveled his secrets to work up anger for the role of ‘Tony Soprano’ – he goes without sleep for 2 days before shooting a violent scene then drinks 6 cups of coffee just before the cameras roll; he sometimes walks around all day with a sharp stone in his shoe; and he has even resorted to literally banging his head on things . . . And because you really care, you need to know that just-turned-40 Courtney Love is looking to ‘do a Demi Moore’ and date a much younger guy, a stud who’s over 18 but under 30 (for more info, see the personal ads in “Skank Monthly”.)

• Sum 41 – TONIGHT they’re on NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.
• Britney Spears – Word is she’s spending over $350,000 on an elaborate Halloween party at her Malibu CA home, complete with ghost rides, palmists and tarot card readers.
• George Strait – The bonus track on his “50 Number Ones” CD, “I Hate Everything”, has hit #1 on the “Billboard” ‘Country Singles Chart’, meaning the greatest hits collection now actually contains 51 ‘Number Ones’.
• Billy Currington – With his duet with Shania Twain, “Party for Two”, the 30-year-old Georgia native has become one of 3 country singers to place 2 singles from a debut album in the top 10 in the past year. The others were Gretchen Wilson and Buddy Jewell.
• Madonna – Her “Reinvention Tour” is likely to end up as this year’s highest-grossing, with a whopping total take of $124.5 million.
• Dido – She’s recorded a duet with Canadian singer-songwriter Rufus Wainwright for the soundtrack of the upcoming movie sequel “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason”.

New terms leaking into the lingo –
• ‘Polaris’ – A new alternative to Botox that uses a high-intensity laser to tighten skin laxity. It’s said to be particularly good in places where Botox doesn’t work, like the neck. And that’s a dead giveaway … redness around the throat for a few days afterward.
• ‘Starlet Spec-Tits’ – Breast implants that actresses get for an important audition, then have removed if they don’t land the part.
• ‘Telematics’ – The trendy word for the latest automotive communications technologies, which merge wireless voice and data systems to create hands-free access to cellphones, map info, radio stations and air-conditioning systems.
• ‘Bar-Code Hairstyle’ – A really, really bad comb-over in which a man’s last few strands of hair are combed across the top of the head, resembling a bar-code pattern.

The fastest-growing religious group in North America is – ‘none’. The number of people who answer ‘none of the above’ in polls on religious affiliation has more than doubled in the past decade. There are an estimated 30 million in the US alone. If they were an official religious denomination, they would trail only Catholics in numbers. The ‘nones’ are most prevalent on the west coast. In Washington state, 25% of residents claim to have no religion. In British Columbia, it’s 35%. ‘Nones’ are not necessarily non-religious; many define themselves as ‘spiritual’. (And just not willing to kowtow to the views of self-righteous, narrow-minded, mean-spirited religious bigots … oops, did I say that out loud?)
– “Globe & Mail”

• Campaigners for incumbent Ukrainian prime minister Viktor Yanukovich (yawn-a-KO-vitch) have come up with a novel way to convince voters to re-elect him OCTOBER. 31st – a free strip show! An organizer says it’s hoped voters will remember who gave them this show for free when they go to the ballot box. (And no, it’s not the saggy old politician taking it off.)
• Britain’s Asda supermarkets are banning teens from buying – eggs. Huh? With Halloween quickly approaching, the chain wants to dissociate itself from teens tossing trick-or-treat missiles. (You just wait… every Asdas in the UK is gonna get egged big-time.)
• A school in Trujillo, Peru is insisting all its girl students be virgins – and it wants proof! One outraged mom, whose daughter was asked to provide a ‘Virginity Certificate’ for enrollment at Santa Rosa de Trujillo School says “This is so disrespectful.” (In related news, average class sizes at Santa Rosa de Trujillo School are down to 3 … 2 squeaky-voiced boys and a real ugly girl.)
• The government of Saudi Arabia has banned – tinted car windows. Many Saudi vehicles have darkened windows to protect the privacy of passengers, particularly women. But officials say militants may be using tinted windows to avoid being spotted by security forces. (Apparently the phrase ‘Roll down all your windows, please’ cannot be translated into Arabic.)

Florida-based Applied Digital Solutions has developed the ‘VeriChip’, a tiny computer chip the size of a grain of rice that can be injected under the skin of the arm to carry medical records. What the heck for? Patients who suffer from chronic diseases have to frequently lug their medical records from one doctor to the next. The ‘VeriChip’s’ radio-frequency identification (RFID) tag can be encoded with a unique identification number that’s transmitted by a tiny antenna. (Think of the possibilities on blind dates!)
– The journal “Nature”.

A small brain chip that can enable quadriplegics to check e-mail or play computer games using their thoughts by tapping into a hundred neurons at a time could soon be a reality. A device called the ‘Braingate’ would allow patients to control a computer or TV using only the mind, even while doing other things at the same time. (Odds are, your thoughts will cost more than a penny.)

George W Bush isn’t the only politician mangling the English language, as proven by the new “Little Book of Canadian Political Wisdom” by Rick Broadhead. Among the 100 bizarre quotations and verbal gaffes included in the book …
• “What kind of proof is a proof? A proof is a proof and when you have a good proof it’s because it’s proven.” – Former PM Jean Chrétien (2002).
• “Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it’s doing in the Maritimes.” – Former SK premier Tommy Douglas (1983).
• “I’m not going to play politics on the floor of the House of Commons.” – Liberal leader John Turner … on the floor of the House of Commons (1997).
• “Canada is the greatest nation in this country.” – former Toronto mayor Allan Lamport (1954).
• “The fact is the statements are perfectly consistent, but more importantly, I don’t have all the facts.” – PM Paul Martin (2004).
– CP

The smartest state in America for the 2nd consecutive year is Massachusetts. The dumbest, for the 3rd year in a row, is New Mexico. These are the findings of the ‘Education State Rankings’, a survey of public school systems in all 50 states. States were graded on a variety of factors based on how they compare to the national average, including per-pupil expenditures, high school graduation rates, average class size, reading & math proficiency, and pupil-teacher ratios. Here are the top 10 …
1. Massachusetts
2. Connecticut
3. Vermont
4. New Jersey
5. Wisconsin
6. New York
7. Minnesota
8. Iowa
9. Pennsylvania
10. Montana

Germany’s Nico Morawa has smashed the national distance record for ‘Cellphone Throwing’ by tossing a phone 67.5 meters (221.5 ft), thereby beating the previous record of 65.8 meters (216 ft) set 4 years ago. Morawa, who is a spokesman for the ‘Association of German Cellphone Throwers’, beat 70 other competitors to win the event. (Wouldn’t this be a lot more fun if it involved other people’s phones … while they’re yakking on them?)
– Agence France-Presse

• On OCTOBER 13, a live TV broadcast of the Texas Lottery had to be called off for the first time in its 13-year history. The outlet of the ball-drawing machine was jammed by … the number 13 ball.
– “Houston Chronicle”
• Most horses release gas when cavorting in the field, but for unknown reasons ponies and smaller horses seem more prone to flatulence. (SBD … small but deadly.)
– “Equus” magazine.


1935 [69] Jerry Orbach, NYC, TV actor (“Law & Order: Trial by Jury” [2005], “Law & Order” 1992-2004)/Broadway song & dance man (Tony Award-“Promises, Promises”)

1950 [54] Tom Petty, Gainesville FL, classic rock singer (“Free Falling”, “I Won’t Back Down”)

1958 [46] Viggo Mortensen, NYC, movie actor (“Hidalgo”, “Lord of the Rings” trilogy)

1971 [33] Snoop Dogg (Cordozar Calvin Broadus), Long Beach CA, rap artist (f/Pharrell-“Drop It Like It’s Hot”, w/Chingy & Ludacris-“Holidae In”)/movie actor (“Starsky & Hutch”, “Old School”)

TODAY is “National Brandied Fruit Day”. Yeehaw, let’s hear it for booze with a pit!

1962 [42] Halloween classic “The Monster Mash” by Bobby ‘Boris’ Picket & the Crypt Kickers hits #1

1818 [186] 49th parallel established as western Canada-US border

    1865 [139] Ottawa becomes capital of Canada

1928 [76] Republican party 1st makes election promise of “a chicken in every pot, a car in every garage” (and WMD in every Middle Eastern country)

1993 [11] Toronto and Philadelphia set MLB records for longest (4:14) and highest-scoring (29) World Series game (Blue Jays finally win 15-14)

1968 [36] Likely the ‘Largest Ever Pre-Nuptial Agreement’ as Jackie Kennedy weds Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis after signing 173-PAGE deal that includes a guarantee of separate bedrooms

[Thurs] Babbling Day
[Thurs] Reptile Day
[Thurs] Canadian Urban Music Awards (Toronto)
[Fri] Frankenstein Friday
[Sat] Nordic Music Awards (Oslo, Norway)
[Sun] National Bologna Day
[Mon] International Greasy Foods Day
This Week Is . . . Kraut Sandwich Week
This Month Is . . . Family History Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – The last time your outlook was this bad CNN had to create a new graphic.
• Taurus – Great news! The similarities found in human and mice genes will make you feel less self-conscious about your tail.
• Gemini – A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, have you?
• Cancer – How you dress sends a message to those around you. In your case, “Help!”
• Leo – This is a good day to bring a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
• Virgo – Remember to praise in public and criticize in private. But never, ever criticize privates.
• Libra – Either the stress of quitting your job is causing hallucinations or everyone has turned into a blue monkey.
• Scorpio – Today you will find some cool shoes in the back of your closet that you’d forgotten all about. Strangely, they are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
• Sagittarius – Yes, your PowerPoint presentation at work was exciting but it might be a bit presumptuous submitting it for Academy Award consideration.
• Capricorn – Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness … or possibly procrastination.
• Aquarius – Cripes, it’s almost December. Don’t you think it’s time to throw out last year’s Christmas tree?
• Pisces –  You’ll find your threats to quit this week fall on deaf ears. Maybe if you weren’t self-employed they would be more effective.

• What’s the biggest kissing mistake made by the opposite sex?
• Who do you think is the top leading lady in movies? (Nicole Kidman? Halle Berry? Renee Zellweger? Julia Roberts? Catherine Zeta-Jones?)
• Should CBC-TV air other hockey games (CHL, AHL, OHL, WHL) on “Hockey Night in Canada” instead of movies?.

1. The original brown-and-mustard uniforms of the NFL’s Denver Broncos that featured vertically striped socks (1960-62).
2. Tampa Bay Devil Rays, MLB, 1998-2000.
3. Cincinnati Bengals, NFL, 1981-2003.
– “GQ” magazine.

Today’s Question: 1 out of 4 of us thinks THIS part of ourselves is ‘good looking’.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Our feet.

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of its tail.

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