Friday, October 8, 2003                   Edition: #2883
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

TONIGHT “Ray” actor Jamie Foxx hosts “Genius: A Night for Ray Charles” at LA’s Staples Center, featuring performances by Norah Jones, Kenny Chesney, Reba McEntire, Mary J Blige, Elton John, B.B. King, Usher & Stevie Wonder (being taped for a CBS-TV special) . . . A pair of lace ‘boyshorts’ supposedly worn by Britney Spears on her fake wedding night are up for auction on eBay, along with a staff pass from the event as proof they actually touched her getting-ever-larger butt . . . Not to be outdone, a pair of Pamela Anderson’s used undies are also up for grabs (so to speak) . . . Al-Jazeera is going through a big re-branding exercise in an effort to become a CNN-like global news network and is currently attempting to recruit a big-name host for its flagship nightly news show . . . Just days after cops pulled him over and accused him of stealing his own car, “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell has had his vintage $360,000 Bentley driven into a wall – by a British TV crew member who was asked to move it out of the way . . . Cleveland Browns QB Jeff Garcia’s ex-girlfriend Kristen Hine has filed an assault charge against his new girlfriend, reigning “Playboy” ‘Playmate of the Year’ Carmella DeCesare, who allegedly ‘kicked her in the head’ during a night club cat-fight (wow, these two are tougher than his O-line!) . . . Actor Sylvester Stallone’s wacky mother insists George Bush will win the presidential election – seems she received the message through the spirit world via her 2 psychic dogs . . . And we thought he had taste – Tiger Woods booked Hootie & The Blowfish to play at his wedding THIS WEEK.

• Jennifer Lopez – TODAY she’s on “Oprah”. Perhaps she’ll mention she’s considering studying Buddhism after working with Richard Gere on her new movie “Shall We Dance”. Or the fact that  she’s getting set to tour for the first time ever, 5 years after she began her singing career.
• Keith Urban – TODAY he kicks off a 21-city tour in Muncie IN, with opening act Katrina Elam.
• Destiny’s Child – They’re replacing Justin Timberlake as the new face of McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” ad campaign.
• Jessica Simpson – Her holiday season CD “A Special Limited Edition Christmas Collection” is being sold exclusively in North America at 7-Eleven stores. It features just 7 tracks, including a duet on “Little Drummer Boy” with sister Ashlee Simpson.
• Ja Rule – A Toronto court has ruled he’ll have to stand trial for assault NEXT SPRING, stemming from his alleged participation in a nightclub scuffle in JUNE.
• Tracy Lawrence – TONIGHT through OCTOBER 17th he’s relieving Terri Clark as the opening act on Toby Keith’s “Big Throwdown Tour”.
• Barry Manilow – TODAY he appears on the syndicated “Tony Danza Show”. (Now there’s a pair made for one another.)

• “Friday Night Lights” (PG-13 Action Drama): An true underdog-makes-good football story about the 1988 Odessa (TX) Permian High Panthers. Billy Bob Thornton stars as ‘Coach Gary Gaines’; country star Tim McGraw makes his acting debut in a supporting role. Game scenes were shot on location at Ratliff Stadium in Odessa TX and at the Houston Astrodome.
• “Raise Your Voice” (PG Musical Drama):  Against the wishes of her conservative father, a girl from a small town (Hilary Duff) heads to Los Angeles to spend the summer at a performing arts school. The story revolves around her efforts to confront her lack of formal classic training and to deal with a romantic entanglement.
• “Taxi” (PG-13 Action Comedy opens wide): In his leading-role debut, Jimmy Fallon plays an undercover cop who teams with NYC’s fastest cab driver (Queen Latifah) to catch a gang of female bank robbers.

• Australia’s National Information & Communications Technology Lab has developed a driver’s aid system that detects road signs and reminds drivers to pay attention to them. The ‘DAS’ (‘Driver’s Assistance System’) uses 3 cameras, one to scan the road for signs and the other 2 to monitor the driver’s eyes. The cameras are connected to a dashboard computer, which is in turn connected to the speedometer. The problem so far – low visibility from bad weather or poor lighting. (Just what we need – the ‘Virtual Backseat Driver’.)
• Germany’s Siemens Mobile is developing a cell phone with a tiny sensor that alerts users if they’ve got bad breath or body odor. The tiny microchip examines the air in the immediate vicinity of the phone for anything odorous from bad breath to alcohol to gas levels. Soon you’ll be able to check your voice mail and your breath at the same time. (Let me show you this prototype, [co-host]. SFX: loud claxon)

• The average American eats 30 pounds of cheese per year. (Packers fans just WEAR it.)
• 9 million Americans held a party to celebrate their dog’s birthday last year. (“Happy birthday dear Lady …”)
• There are 60 million grandparents in America. By 2010 there will be an estimated 80 million. (It’s a geezer takeover!)
• The average American household has 26 stuffed animals. (Each autumn, one of them being a turkey.)
• Americans throw away 570 disposable diapers per second … 49 million per day. (And nobody seems to give a crap.)
• Half of the world’s lawyers come from the USA. (If you don’t believe it, sue me!)
• Americans spend more money on dog food every year than on baby food. (We just mix ‘em together to make things simple … Gerber & Bits, come and get it!)

A compendium of recent BS ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … sleep therapy does more to help chronic insomniacs than sleeping pills. A new Harvard Medical School study suggests that doctors are too quick to prescribe medications to treat sleeplessness. (Or anything else, if you ask us.)
• Scientists say … frog glue may be useful to repair knee injuries. Researchers at Australia’s Adelaide University have discovered a sticky substance secreted from glands on the back of the burrowing Australian frog makes a good adhesive to repair torn cartilage. (“And Brunell is not in the lineup for today’s game, he’s out having his knees frogged …”)
• Scientists say … monkeys can’t tell the difference between harmonious music and discordant sound. A study in “New Scientist” suggests that may mean only humans have a unique appreciation of music. (Oh yeah? Obviously you don’t have a dog that likes to sing-along.)
• Scientists say … most people forced to overhear other people’s cellphone conversations find it annoying. A team of psychologists at the UK’s University of York used student volunteers in extensive experiments to find out what we all already knew – cellphones piss people off. (What did we used to do with all the extra time when we didn’t have a dumb electronic gizmo stuck to our ears?)

A BS snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 84% of women would consider spying on their man.
• 77% of women think a guy should wax his back.
• 60% of office workers are satisfied with the amount of time they get off from work.
• 47% of us would be happy to work at the same company for the rest of our lives.
• 40% of women complain they’re treated unfairly in automobile showrooms because of gender.
• 29% of us have never driven a vehicle with standard transmission.

Giraffes and turkeys are bisexual.


1943 [61] Chevy (Cornelius Crane) Chase, Woodstock NY, movie actor (“Vacation” series)

1943 [61] RL Stine, Columbus OH, scary children’s author (“Goosebumps” series)

1949 [55] Sigourney (Susan) Weaver, NYC, movie actress (“Alien” series)

1968 [36] Emily Procter, Raleigh NC, TV actress (‘Calleigh Duquesne’ on “CSI: Miami”)

1970 [34] Matt Damon, Cambridge MA, movie actor (“The Bourne Supremacy”, Screenwriting Oscar-“Good Will Hunting”)

1993 [11] Angus T Jones, Austin TX, TV actor (‘Jake Harper’ on sitcom “Two & a Half Men”)

Classic rocker Jackson Browne is 56; TV actor Tony Shalhoub (“Monk”) is 51; TV actor Scott Bakula (“Star Trek: Enterprise”) is 50.

Rock star manager/TV personality Sharon Osbourne is 52; TV actor Bradley Whitford (“The West Wing”) is 45; Rocker Mike Malinin (Goo Goo Dolls) is 37; NFL QB Brett Favre (Green Bay Packers) is 35; Rocker Dean Roland (Collective Soul) is 32; Singer/actress Mya (Harrison) is 25.

[Fri] 2nd US Presidential debate (St Louis)

TODAY is “UN International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction”. (So how the heck do we go about reducing them? Put a giant cork in Mount St Helens?)

TODAY is the 9th annual “National Denim Day”, an excellent little promotion in which Lee Jeans asks companies to allow employees to wear denim to work in exchange for a $5 donation to breast cancer research. This year, Charlie Sheen is the celebrity spokesperson as more than a million people are expected to participate.

SATURDAY is ‘International Alan Day’, created by the International Forum of Alans to salute the ‘Alan of the Year’ and anyone with a name that’s a variation, ie: Allan, Alannis, Allen, etc.

SATURDAY is “National Dessert Day”. OK, what’s the all-time most sinfully delicious, can’t stop snortin’ it dessert? Cherry cheesecake? Tiramisu? (It’s been called ‘Heaven In Your Mouth’.)

SATURDAY is “Leif Erikson Day” in Norway and Iceland, commemorating the Viking explorer’s discovery of North America (‘Vinland’) circa 1000 AD – almost 500 years BEFORE Columbus!

THIS WEEKEND the “ World Monopoly Championship” rolls past ‘Go’ in Tokyo, Japan. The final game is SATURDAY at 4 pm local time. Canada is represented by 33-year-old Edmonton math teacher Leon Vandendooren. $15,140 goes to the winner – the precise amount of money included in a standard Monopoly game.

MONDAY is “Thanksgiving Day” in Canada, thanks to a 1957 act of parliament making the 2nd Monday in October ‘a day of general thanksgiving for the bountiful harvest with which Canada has been blessed’. The first Canadian Thanksgiving is a matter of contention, but many historians believe it was the harvest feast celebrated by English explorer Martin Frobisher during his failed attempt to find the Northwest Passage. That would put it just over 40 years BEFORE the Pilgrims landing in Massachusetts in 1620. Others claim the first Canadian Thanksgiving was celebrated in Halifax in 1763. It became an annual Canadian tradition in 1879, celebrated on the same day as in the USA. It was later moved ahead to reflect the earlier harvest season.

• ‘Closing up’ the cottage.
• Street hockey (interrupted frequently by the warning “Car!”).
• Making a big pile of leaves and jumping in.
• Pumpkin pie (made even better with liquid honey drizzled over the top).
• “Kitchener-Waterloo Oktoberfest Thanksgiving Day Parade” nationwide on CTV.
• Picking-your-own apples.
• Hunkering down with a ‘brown pop’ to watch CFL football (BC @ Toronto, Montréal @ Edmonton), then realizing you should have gone to the beer store BEFORE the holiday.
• Unbuckling your belt after dinner so you can breath.
(Have listeners add to the list!)

1967 [37] 1st ‘Breathalyzer’ test for alcohol consumption used on speeding motorist

1978 [26] ‘World’s largest pizza’ measures 80 feet in diameter (Glens Falls NY)

[Sat] 2004 North American Wife Carrying Championship (Bethel ME)
[Mon] Emergency Nurses Day
[Mon] Columbus Day (USA)
[Tues] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Tues] Farmers Day
[Tues] World Egg Day
This Week Is – Fire Prevention Week / Credit Union Week
This Month Is – Dessert Month / Cosmetology Month


We first ran this 5 years ago. It’s still a good bit …
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 325. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of 1 to 2 inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers.

• It is illegal to have an ice cream cone in your pocket in the state of Alabama.
• It is illegal to imitate an animal in Miami FL.
• In West Virginia no children may attend school with their breath smelling of wild onions.
• It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon in New Jersey.
• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public in Mississippi.
• In South Dakota, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

• What’s your favorite show biz pair? (Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston? Will Smith & Jada Pinkett? Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones? Carmen Electra?)
• What’s your favorite food combo? (Spaghetti & meatballs? Mac & cheese? Peanut butter & jelly? Roast turkey & chocolate sauce?)

• “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my butt.” “That’s OK. I’ve got some cream for that.”
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
• Yesterday [co-host] and I were walking down the street and I said, “Look at that dog with one eye!!” So she covers one of her eyes and asks, “Where?”

Today’s Question: According to a survey, THIS is the #1 food that reminds us of mom.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Mashed potatoes and gravy.

The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.

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