Monday, October 4, 2004        Edition: #2879
Ain’t It Great to Be Full of Sheet?

FROM THE WEEKEND TABLOIDS:
• “Daily Dish” reports Martha Stewart spent the weekend getting ready for prison – in the Bahamas! THURSDAY she took off in her private jet for a final weekend of at an ultra-chic resort in the Bahamas, before surrendering by 2 pm this coming FRIDAY to serve 5 months at the federal prison camp in Alderson WV. (Which although rustic, is tastefully decorated in autumnal shades with a splash of magenta as highlight.)
• UK’s “Sun” says Avril Lavigne had a tricky time at a Paris party LAST WEEK. Her Sum 41 boyfriend Deryck Whibley met Hoobastank’s Doug Robb – whom she invited back to her hotel room after LAST MONTH’S “World Music Awards”. Word is there were icy stares all around. (She’s on the Courtney Love party path to infamy.)
• “NY Daily News” reveals that legendary music producer and accused murderer Phil Spector was working on his own bio-pic before the death of Lana Clarkson in his Alhambra CA mansion. Helping him write the screen treatment – recently deceased LA divorce lawyer Marvin Mitchelson. Whether or not that script is ever completed, you can bet someone will slap together at least a TV movie about Spector one the trial’s over. 
• According to “Daily Mirror”, actress Scarlett Johansson has made a mad dash to Cape Town,  South Africa to keep a closer eye on actor boyfriend Jared Leto. Seems the word slipped the hunky actor’s been spending boozy nights out with 23-year-old co-star Tanit Phoenix after each day’s filming on the upcoming movie thriller “Lord Of War”.
• “Hollywood Reporter” tells us “West Wing” producer John Wells is close to a deal to produce a new drama called “The Evidence”, which will be much like “CSI” or “Law & Order” – but with a ‘different approach’. (The killers all get away with it?)
• Could it be getting serious? Actress Jennifer Garner has taken her new beau Ben Affleck to her hometown of Charleston WV to meet her parents, according to “World Entertainment News”. The former “Daredevil” co-stars then spent a few days in her old stomping ground, where one night they went out – to the movies. (Sort of a busman’s holiday, ain’t it?)
• The opening of Oliver Stone’s epic “Alexander” has been pushed back from NOVEMBER 5 to 24th, purportedly to give it a better edge for Oscar consideration. However, “The Scoop” says the real reason for the delay is to allow time to cut some of the film’s explicit male-on-male love scenes that some of the suits at Warner Bros don’t think the movie-going public is quite ready to see.

SUPERMARKET TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “New Cell Phones Let You Reach Out & Touch Someone – From the Dead!”
• “Jehovah’s Witnesses to Deliver US Mail!”
• “Fatties Make the Best Lovers!”
• “Real-Life Catwoman Found in Ozarks!”
• “Hubble Photo Shows Alien with Pants Down!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Christina Milian – She says she used to stay in shape by attending Strip-A-Robics classes.
• Madonna – She’s producing merchandise spin-offs from her Kabbalah-funding “English Roses” books including dolls, shoes and a porcelain tea set.
• Avril Lavigne – She’ll sing the theme song on the soundtrack of the animated “SpongeBob SquarePants: The Movie”, opening NOVEMBER 19th.
• Rolling Stones – Drummer Charlie Watts is said to be back in good health after winning a battle with throat cancer.
• Alicia Keys – For its upcoming annual photo issue, “Esquire” magazine gave her camera and asked her to shoot something that made her horny. She photographed a banana.
• Justin Timberlake – He‘s signed for a role in the upcoming movie “Alpha Dog” from director Nick Cassavetes. He’ll co-star alongside Sharon Stone & Emile Hirsch.
• Beyoncé – She tore her right hamstring muscle while rehearsing dance steps for an upcoming
TV special featuring Destiny’s Child. Their new album “Destiny Fulfilled” is out NOVEMBER 16th.
• Franz Ferdinand – TONIGHT the Scots rockers do “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Mario Winans – His tune “I Don’t Wanna Know” scooped the ‘Best Ringtone’ title at Britain’s annual “Mobo Awards”, but he admits his own phone has a different ringtone – “One Love” by Nas.
•  Billy Joel – SATURDAY he wed 22-year-old girlfriend Katie Lee (33 years younger) in a ceremony at his Long Island estate.
• Switchfoot – TONIGHT they’re meant to live on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.

AWFUL SURGERY
In his new book “A Little Work: Behind The Doors Of A Park Avenue Plastic Surgeon”, NYC cosmetic surgeon Dr Z Paul Lorenc says Joan Rivers should be the poster child for excessive surgery because many of his patients beg him NOT to make them look like her. Other celebs scalded by the good doc – Paul McCartney for looking ‘forever startled’; Meg Ryan whose lips don’t move even when she’s smiling; and Sharon Stone whom he claims has had so many Botox injections her face is merely a mask. The cutting book is due in stores OCTOBER 19th. Oh by the way, Joan Rivers will guest-star as herself on TOMORROW night’s season finalé of the plastic surgery show “Nip/Tuck” on FX.
– “Women’s Wear Daily”

SURVIVOR HANDBOOK:
David Volk’s new book “The Tribe Has Spoken” offers ‘Life Lessons from Reality TV’ as learned from the mouths of reality TV cast members. Volk finds the best quotes from different shows, and then distills the lesson to be learned from the cast member’s wisdom. For example, Nicole Richie said during “The Simple Life”, ‘We should have a threesome with him. Let him have something.’ The lesson to be learned from that? ‘Give of yourself. Even if you aren’t all that attractive, it’s the thought that counts.’
– “Reality Blurred”

SLIMMING SUDS:
Chinese scientists say they’ve developed a soap that is clinically proven to remove up to 5 lbs a month AND eliminate wrinkles. The soap, which has to stay on the body for 3 minutes to do its work, contains iodine and kelp (and extra coarse sandpaper).
– “Goofball News”

2020 VISION:
A new poll asks which present-day pop star will be able to charge the most for a concert ticket in the year 2020? Here’s what respondents think …
1. Britney Spears (32%)
2. Christina Aguilera (26%)
3. Mariah Carey (14%)
4. Avril Lavigne (7.4%)
5. Justin Timberlake (7%)
– PopDirt.com

AND WE QUOTE:
“Here’s the secret to a happy marriage: Do what your wife tells you. Either say ‘Yes, dear,’ or ‘No, honey, you’re right.’”
– Actor Denzel Washington on the secret to his 21-year marriage to Pauletta Washington.

THE BULL SHEET 10.04.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [80] Charlton Heston (John Charles Carter), Evanston IL, 4-term National Rifle Association  president/movie actor (“The Ten Commandments”, Oscar-“Ben Hur”)

1944 [60] Tony LaRussa, MLB manager (2004 NL Central Division Champion St Louis Cardinals)

1946 [58] Susan Sarandon (Tomalin), NYC, movie actress ( Oscar-“Dead Man Walking”, “Thelma & Louise”)/actor Tim Robbins’ ‘partner’ since 1988  UP NEXT: “Alfie”, opening OCTOBER 22nd.

1970 [34] Heidi Newfield, Healdsburg CA, country singer (Trick Pony-“The Bride”, “Pour Me”)

1976 [28] Alicia Silverstone, San Francisco CA, movie actress (“Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed”, “Clueless”)

1979 [25] Rachael Leigh Cook, Minneapolis MN, movie actress (“She’s All That”, “Josie & the Pussycats”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] Universal Children’s Day
[UN] World Habitat Day

TODAY is “National Golf Day”. While much of the modern game is attributed to Scottish origins, the very first version of the game can be traced back much earlier. During the days of the Roman Empire, they played a game that involved hitting feather-stuffed balls with club-shaped branches. The oldest established golf club in North America is the Royal Montréal, officially founded in 1873. The first 18-hole course in the USA was the Chicago Golf Club founded in 1893.
THE COMMANDMENTS OF GOLF:
• Thou shalt not play unless thou has lots of balls.
• Thou shalt not be forced to score a 12, provided there are no witnesses.
• Thou shall be kind to the gopher.
• Thou shalt not hook with water on the left.
• Thou shalt not score lower than the boss.
(Ask listeners to add more.)

TODAY is “International Toot Your Flute Day”, to encourage the idea of selling yourself and telling others how good you are, while rejecting the idea that self-promotion is ‘bragging’. (Nice to see that [co-host] at least has the ‘toot’ part down.)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1976 [28] 1st ‘female network news anchor’ on TV (Barbara Walters joins Harry Reasoner on “ABC Evening News” for a then-record $1 million/year)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1970 [34] Singer Janis Joplin dies of a heroin overdose at age 27 (a bio-pic on her life called “Piece of My Heart” is due to film NEXT YEAR, starring Renée Zellweger)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Techies Day
[Tues] National Story Telling Day
[Tues] World Teachers Day
[Tues] “Fahrenheit 9/11″ released on DVD
[Wed] Come & Take It Day
[Wed] Frugal Fun Day
[Wed] Physician Assistant Day
[Wed] Lawyers Day
[Thurs] 15th International Bluegrass Music Awards (Louisville KY)
[Fri] National Denim Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Walk a Child to School Week
Get Organized Week
Mental Illness Awareness Week
Minority Enterprise Week
Customer Service Week
Health Care Food Service Week
Higher Education Week
School Bus Safety Week
Spinning & Weaving Week
Temp Help Week
Universal Children’s Week
 
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS CAR POOL GAME:

You’re looking for a contestant with a cell phone riding in the PASSENGER seat of a vehicle. In order not to cause an accident, specify that drivers MAY NOT play. The contestant roots through the glove compartment and scores points (or prizes) for each of the following …
• Foreign coins. (Perfect for unsuspecting ‘squeegee kids’.)
• A road map that hasn’t been folded properly. (Make them re-fold it.)
• Unpaid parking tickets. (Points for each one.)
• Really bad CDs. (Award points based on how awful they are.)
• Facial tissues. (Bonus if they’re used.)
• Used lollipop, candy, chewing gum. (Extra points if it’s now covered in blue fluff.)
• Something to keep kids quiet. (Travel games, a pack of cards, a pint of vodka … a gun.)
• A book to read during traffic gridlock. (Bonus points for “War and Peace”.)
• Furry dice. (Points for being prepared in case they come back into fashion again.)
• Points for anything embarrassing. (Underwear, condoms, tampons … body parts.)
• And 1000 bonus points if they look in the ‘glove compartment’ and find – gloves!

PHONE STARTERS:
• What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done for your pet?
• What should a guy wear to bed?
61% Boxers
31% Nothing
8% Pajamas
– “Razor” magazine poll

TOLL FREE NAME GAME:
Get a listener on one line and punch up a toll free exchange (1-800. 1-888, 1-877, 1-866) plus [THEIR NAME] on another line using the key pad. Don’t worry about how many letters there are in the name, just pound ‘em all in. If it’s a working number, they win. If not, move on to the next caller until you have a winner.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Ever notice doing nothing makes you tired? It’s ’cause you can’t take a break.
• A 9-year-old boy asks his mother, “Is God male or female?” After thinking for a moment, his mother responds “Well God is both male and female.” This confuses the boy, so he asks, “Is God black or white?” “Well,” she says, “God is both black and white.” This really confuses the boy, so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?” Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.” At this, the boy’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks … “Is Michael Jackson God?”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Women do THIS an average of 3.2 times before going out.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Change their outfit.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Do not take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
“BS” salutes COUNTRY 105 Peterborough ON; Y92 Lindsay ON; Aaron Rand Q92 LITE ROCK Montréal QC who’ve have all renewed for another year of “BS”. Welcome back to Daniel Thompson, now @ DUBAI 92, Dubai UAE; and welcome to this week’s samplers that include CJ Cruz @ WHFS Lanham MD; Jason Murphy @ KSID Sidney NE; and Ann Chartrand @ KJMO-FM Jefferson City MO.


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