Thursday, October 30, 2003        Edition: #2655
Now You’re in Deep Sheet!

LAST WEEK for the first time since 1987, CBS-TV topped NBC on THURSDAY night in the 18-49 ratings, thanks to “Survivor” and “CSI” (apparently ‘Must-See TV’ ain’t a must anymore) . . . Police reports show that Nelly’s possessions stolen from his Vegas hotel room include a ‘Nike shoe pendant’ ($25,000), a ‘diamond studded dice’ ($10,000), and a ‘tennis bracelet’ ($150,000) . . . By comparison, Michelle Branch was only looted for $700 cash, an iPod, and her Apple laptop (with a whack of potential million-sellers on it?) . . . Word is Brad Pitt has reserved 6 suites at Las Vegas’ $800-a-night, 5-star Bellagio Casino & Hotel so wife Jennifer Aniston & her 5 “Friends” co-stars can celebrate the final episode of the sitcom in high style . . . Ozzy Osbourne & daughter Kelly will release their first-ever duet recording, “Changes”, a song about the relationship between a father & daughter as they grow older (for instance, how a father will sing-along with his no-talent daughter since she can’t buy a hit record) . . . The California wildfires have forced celebs Will Smith, Lisa Marie Presley & Tom Selleck among others to evacuate their homes and move into hotels . . . Actor Dustin Hoffman was so upset that his name wasn’t on the National Rifle Association’s so-called ‘blacklist’ of anti-gun advocates, he wrote the NRA begging to be included . . . German supermodel Heidi Klum has prompted speculation she’s split with millionaire Formula One racing mogul Flavio Briatore after being spotted looking really cozy with singer John Mayer while out on the town in NYC (is that the ‘wonderland’ you were talkin’ about, bud?).

The 1979 thriller “The Amityville Horror” is getting a bigscreen remake, not that it really needs it – the original film spawned 7 sequels! . . . “Lord of the Rings” and “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Orlando Bloom will next play a peasant who becomes a knight, saves a kingdom, and falls in love with the princess of Jerusalem in “Kingdom of Heaven”, an epic love story set during the Crusades . . . Disney’s “The Alamo”, starring Dennis Quaid & Billy Bob Thornton, will not open DECEMBER 25th as planned, it’s now scheduled for release in APRIL (usually the sign of a great big stiff).

Don’t feel too sorry for superstar shortstop Derek Jeter of the World Series losing NY Yankees – he’s booked the entire $23,000-a-day Necker Island in the Caribbean for a week-long private vacation with girlfriend Erica Mondor, where they’ll celebrate her 29th birthday.

Actors’ unions are threatening legal action against Italian porn film director Cesare for paying male actors with only whisky, energy drinks, and – of course – lotsa sex. The clever and tight-fisted Cesare claims his guys are happy … real happy.

A recent study of nearly 1,400 office workers finds that the line between work life and social life is becoming blurred. In fact, the workplace has become the center of many of our social lives. Nearly half say they eat lunch with co-workers at least once a week, and over 70% say they’ve attended a ‘major event’ in a co-worker’s life, such as a wedding or funeral. The study also finds that all this socializing combined with longer work hours is causing some people to spend more time with co-workers than their own spouses.

• Starting NEXT WEEK, the mummified body of former Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin is getting its first change of clothes in 60 years. A team of Russian scientists will outfit the mummy in a new set of civilian duds, the 3rd change of clothes for Lenin’s body, which was first dressed in a military uniform after he died in 1924, then put in a suit just before WWII. (He changes clothes once every 60 years? Wow, that’s almost as bad as [co-host]!)
• A group of more than 30 Iowa state employees have been hired as ‘Nasal Rangers’ due to their outstanding sense of smell. The job – to determine when complaints about offensive odors are valid. For instance, the stink from stockyards. Their findings will be part of a 2-year study to determine if the state needs new standards for air quality. (The term ‘Nasal Ranger’ was coined because they couldn’t find anyone who wanted to be a ‘BS Inhaler’.)

Mikhail Gorbachev, the last leader of the Soviet Union, has secured the names ‘Gorbachev’ and ‘Gorby’ as brand names, to protect his image from being used without his consent. It was actually being used to sell noodles in Japan, among other things.

TODAY in Los Angeles some 20 top skateboarders are scheduled to attempt a world record for the longest ‘ollie’, the kick-flip on the back of a skateboard that causes it to fly up into the air. Actually, a world record is pretty much guaranteed, since there is no current one. (Almost as dumb as that record set on the weekend for ‘underwater pumpkin carving’.)

The American College of Rheumatology in Orlando FL studied 2,500 residents of Beijing, China and found osteoarthritis more common in the hands used to operate chopsticks, and in the fingers specifically stressed by chopstick use. (Better stick to won ton soup!)

• Ira Goldman of Washington DC has invented the ‘Knee Defender’, a block of plastic the size of a deck of cards that wedges into the back of an airline seat to prevent it from reclining – thereby protecting the long-legged airline passenger sitting behind. Goldman is now selling it online. He had a vested interest in creating the gizmo – he’s 6-foot-4!
• Houston TX sisters Vivian Lipman & Joyce Nimetz have invented a device called ‘My Sweet Pee’ which allows women to – urinate while standing. The water-resistant paper gizmos can be easily stored in a purse, then curved into a funnel shape when needed. Why bother? You’ll never, ever have to make contact with a yucky, icky, gross public toilet again!

Retail estimates show we’ll spend an average of $41.77 on Halloween items THIS YEAR. Among them …
Costumes . . . $14.85
Candy . . . $14.41
Decorations . . . $10.37
Cards . . . $2.14
Source: National Retail Federation

More than 10 million TV viewers in Canada, the US and elsewhere will be asked for tips on the whereabouts of 9-year-old Cecilia Zhang of Toronto when her case is featured SATURDAY night on “America’s Most Wanted”.
Some 7 months after the cliché entered our jargon, the US Patent & Trademark Office has received 29 applications to register the term ‘Shock and Awe’, for everything from golf clubs to pesticides, dietary supplements, video games, salsa, energy drinks, yo-yos, even lingerie!


1936 [67] Dick Vermeil, Calistoga CA, NFL head coach (Kansas City Chiefs)/1 of just 4 coaches in NFL history to lead 2 different teams to the Super Bowl (2000 Super Bowl champ St Louis Rams, 1981 loser Philadelphia Eagles)  FACTOID: The last 3 teams that started a season 8-0 went on to win the Super Bowl. Can he do it again?

1939 [64] Grace Slick (Wing), Evanston IL, classic rock singer (Jefferson Airplane-“Somebody to Love”, “White Rabbit”, Jefferson Starship-“Miracles”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1996)

1945 [58] Henry Winkler, NYC, former TV actor (Arthur ‘The Fonz’ Fonzarelli-“Happy Days” 1974-84) who’s now a TV exec producer (“Hollywood Squares”, “Young MacGyver”)

1967 [36] Gavin Rossdale, London UK, rock singer/guitarist (Bush-“Adrenaline” from the movie “XXX”, “Swallowed”)/Mr Gwen Stefani since 2002

1969 [34] Snow (Darren O’Brien), Toronto ON, hip-hop artist (“I’ll Do Anything For You”, “The Informer”)

1976 [27] Kassidy Osborn, Magna UT, country singer (SHeDAISY-“This Woman Needs”, “Little Goodbyes”)

TODAY is “National Buy a Doughnut Day”. (Some form of conspiracy begun by Krispy Kreme?)

TODAY is “Bodybuilders’ Day”, celebrating the 1893 birth of Charles Atlas (Angelo Siciliano) in Acri, Italy. Yes, a bully actually did kick sand in the former 97-lb weakling’s face and steal his girlfriend, leading him to develop a wildly popular mail-order body building course.

TODAY is “National Candy Corn Day”, celebrating the traditional Halloween candy that resembles corn kernels and can’t be resisted until you’ve finished off the entire 2-lb bag.

TONIGHT is “Devil’s Night” or “Mischief Night,” traditionally a night of pranks before Halloween.
(In Detroit, this traditionally involves burning down the inner city each year.)

1894 [109] 1st employee ‘time clock’ patented, leading to the expression ‘punching the clock’

1938 [65] 1st radio broadcast of Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” convinces millions that Martians have invaded Grovers Mill NJ

1984 [19] ‘Freddy Krueger’ slashes his way across the movie screen in the 1st “Nightmare
on Elm Street”

1990 [13] 1st episode of Emmy-winning crime drama “Law & Order” on NBC-TV (still going, spawning 2 spin-off shows)

1989 [14] Smith Dairy of Orrville OH concocts ‘largest milkshake’ (1,575 gallons)

[Fri] Halloween
[Fri] National Magic Day
[Fri] Increase Your Psychic Powers Day
[Fri] UNICEF Day
[Mon] National Sandwich Day
[Wed] “The Matrix Revolutions” opens worldwide
[Wed] 37th CMA Awards
This Week Is . . . Magic Week
This Month Is . . . Spinal Health Month


If today is your birthday, you were born under the sign of Scorpio, the fixed, feminine water sign ruled by Mars. Here is your reading in the stars … Aliens will land in [local hicktown] today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell. Uh oh … the cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing – better come up with some new excuses! An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved ones for the remainder of the week. All in all, it’s a good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

You tell the story line-by-line while a listener on the phone or studio guest provides the SFX as best they can. Today’s story is titled “Scary Story 3” –
    [SCARY MUSIC IN] It was a dark and stormy night [SFX]. As you reach the door of the creepy, old mansion atop Kill Devil Hill you ring the odd-sounding doorbell [SFX], then clank the door knocker [SFX], then, when no one answers, you go right ahead and open the creaky old door [SFX]. “Hello?”, you yell [SFX]. Then again a bit louder [SFX]. But all you hear are mysterious sounds echoing upstairs [SFX]. As you slam the big oak door shut [SFX], you are struck by what a gloomy, massive place this. You can hear a cat yeowling in another room [SFX], a faucet dripping [SFX], and tree branches clattering against a window in the wind [SFX]. You tentatively walk down the cobblestoned hallway [SFX] … in your tap-dancing shoes [SFX] and open a door on the left [SFX] … a sliding door [SFX], which turns out to be for the library. And there she is! Even though you were expecting her, you let out a terrified scream [SFX]. It’s … the … real estate agent! [SCARY MUSIC UP & OUT].

“What do you absolutely never, ever leave home without?” (ID? Makeup? Money? Keys? Wallet? Clothes?)

• The easiest job in the world has to be coroner … surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
• It’s a dirty job being ridiculous, but I’ll do it.
• My mother-in-law is over 60 and still doesn’t need glasses … she drinks right out of the bottle.

Today’s Question: 5% of people who have one of THESE say it makes them feel ‘smarter’.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A tattoo.

Don’t worry about senility. When it hits you, you won’t know it.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s “BS”!

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