Monday, October 27, 2003        Edition: #2652
The Sheet Hits the Fans!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “NY Post” reports that George Clooney spent the weekend in Montréal, shooting a Martini Spumanti sparking wine ad that will air only on Italian TV. In the 30-second spot, a gaggle of gorgeous, Italian babes are looking really bored at a party – until dashing George comes to the rescue, suggesting everyone have a glass of bubbly. (Hollywood celebs have no problem prostituting themselves in ads, as long as their pals don’t see them.)
• UK’s “Sun” tab reports that pop pixie Kylie Minogue is hanging up her hot pants now that  she’s 35, and will attempt to avoid further fan fixation with her terrific tush. She says the video
for her new song “Slow” heralds a new, less revealing future for her. It features her panting and writhing on the floor. (Much classier!)
• “Everywhere” claims that long-gone Princess Diana had at least 9 secret boyfriends, including an Oscar-winning actor, a sports legend, a leading musician and a famous politician. Completing her collection of boy-toys – a novelist, a lawyer, an entrepreneur and a billionaire businessman. Meantime, “Sunday Express” reports that, at the time of her death, Di was pregnant with boyfriend Dodi Fayed’s child. (Busy busy busy.)
• “Daily Dish” reports that 26-year-old singer Shakira has been appointed a goodwill ambassador for international kids charity UNICEF, making her the first Colombian and the youngest person ever to serve in the role. (Also the ambassador with the all-time best booty.)
• According to “Star” magazine, “Intolerable Cruelty” actress Catherine Zeta Jones says she gets along better with men than women, drinks beer straight from the bottle, and is a horrible cook. She also says when she’s not working, she so lazy she barely manages to brush her teeth. (Wow, Michael – nice catch!)
• Online gossip site “PeopleNews” says Japanese software entrepreneur Masahiko Shizawa is suing Britney Spears, claiming her bodyguards intimidated him at gunpoint and caused him ‘extreme emotional distress’. This is the same crazed fan that’s accused of stalking her and has been ordered by a judge to stay at least 300 yds away.
• And here’s the ‘breaking news’ from “Weekly World News” – “Chimp Arrested for Reckless Driving!”, “Transplant Patient Sues Surgeon For Giving Him a Broken Heart!”, “World’s Fattest Cat Has World’s Fattest Kittens!”, and – who knew? – “Flatulence Crisis Hits Epidemic Proportions!”                                  

PAMPERED POOCHES:
THIS WEEK Japan’s Mitsukoshi department store is offering 200 ‘bento’ sets on a first come, first served basis and they’re expected to seel like hot cakes. What are they? A special $300 New Year’s meal – only these are for dogs. Each includes 30 traditional dishes including chicken balls, pork dumplings, ham, black beans, strawberry mousse and green tea. If that’s a little steep for your pet gift budget, the store also offers doggy kimonos and swimsuits.

A REAL QUICKIE:
An Australian couple is believed to be the last to make love at twice the speed of sound. They were reportedly spotted emerging from a washroom on one of the final Concorde flights LAST WEEK – grinning from ear-to-ear. Concorde pilot Mike Bannister says his crew has no comment as one of the key traits of British Airways is discretion.

BALD FACTS:
Highlights of a new poll from Remington Shaver Company –
• Almost half of women polled prefer men with a ‘rugged appearance’. (Clay Aiken, for instance.)
• 1 in 10 men say they trim their chest hair. (With their teeth.)
• Most women are turned off by vain attempts by men to hide baldness, including ‘comb-overs’ and toupees. (And Corvettes.)
• Most women dislike too much nose or ear hair. (You mean, there’s just a right amount?)

ALSO FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• In a poll published in the “British Medical Journal”, 1 in 5 men complain that condoms are too tight. (The real problem may be the male ego is too large.)
• According to a Pet Supplies Plus survey, 51% of pet owners plan to dress their animals in Halloween costumes THIS WEEK. 18% say they plan to match up their pet with their own costume. The most popular pet costumes – ghosts, pirates, witches, and wizards.
• A survey in “Parenting” magazine asks parents if they’d rather have more sex, more sleep or more money. 59% chose money, 29% picked sleep and just 9% sex. (Not surprisingly, 3 times as many fathers as mothers chose sex.)
• When do most of us rise and shine? According to a survey by Sharp Watches, 7am is wake-up time for 27% of us, followed by 6am (15%), and 7:30 am (11%).

HIGHEST EARNING CELEBRITY STIFFS:
1. Elvis Presley, for the 3rd year in a row. ($40 million)
2. “Peanuts” creator Charles Schulz ($32 million)
3. “Lord of the Rings” author JRR Tolkien ($22 million)
4. John Lennon ($19 million)
5. George Harrison ($16 million)
Source: “Forbes” magazine.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
• About 30% of Canadians rely on getting their water from the ground for domestic use.
• An average American eats approximately 60 hot dogs per year.

THE BULL SHEET 10.27.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [64] John Cleese, Weston-Super-Mare UK, movie actor (the new ‘Q’-‘James Bond’ films, “A Fish Called Wanda”)/former TV actor (“Monty Python”, “Fawlty Towers”)  UP NEXT: Appears in movies “Around the World in 80 Days “, “Shrek 2“, and “Bob the Butler”.

1958 [45] Simon LeBon, Bushey UK, classic rock singer (Duran Duran-“Hungry Like the Wolf”, “The Reflex”)

1967 [36] Scott Weiland, Santa Cruz CA, stoner rock singer (Velvet Revolver, Stone Temple Pilots)/rehab veteran

1984 [19] Kelly Osbourne, London UK, media personality (“The Osbournes”)/pseudo-’singer’ (“Papa Don’t Preach”)/daughter of Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[US] Navy Day (1922)

TODAY “Ramadan” begins, the Islamic month of fasting for over a billion Muslims throughout the world. The daily period of fasting starts at the break of dawn and ends at sunset. During daylight hours, adherents totally abstain from food, drink, smoking and sex. The usual practice is to have a pre-fast meal (‘suhoor’) before dawn and a post-fast meal (‘iftar’) after sunset. A common greeting during the observance is ‘Ramadan Mubarek’ (‘Blessed Be the Month of Ramadan’). The end of the fasting season is celebrated with the  the “Eid-ul-Fitr” festival.

TODAY is “Cranky Co-Workers Day”, in honor of all the complaining and just plain cranky people you work with and have to endure all year. This is the day to let them go with it and enjoy their miseries!

TODAY is “Plush Animal Lover’s Day”, in honor of Teddy Roosevelt’s birthday (1858), namesake of the ‘Teddy Bear’. Ask listeners what animals they have saved from their childhood, and what they do with them.

1 YEAR AGO . . .
2002 Anaheim Angels beat San Francisco Giants 4-1 to win the franchise’s 1st World Series Championship

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1995 [08] Gloria Estefan becomes 1st (& only) pop artist to receive a call from the Pope to perform

1998 [05] Lauryn Hill releases mega-hit single “Doo Wop [That Thing]” (where did she go?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901 [102] 1st ‘boxer shorts’ introduced (and the argument begins)

1904 [99] World’s 1st ‘subway’ opens in NYC (fare set at one nickel)

1925 [78] ‘Water skis’ patented by Fred Waller (strapping boards on your feet … wonder how this idea came up?)

1991 [12] 1st ‘Planet Hollywood’ restaurant officially opens (owners Bruce Willis & Arnold Schwarzenneger do the honors)

1998 [05] Conrad Black launches new national newspaper “National Post”

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
 2002 [01] Dallas Cowboy running back Emmitt Smith becomes NFL’s ‘All-Time Rushing Leader’ in a game vs Seattle, passing the mark of 16,726 yds held by late Hall of Famer Walter Payton

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Chocolate Day
[Wed] International Internet Day
[Thurs] Devils Night/Mischief Night
[Fri] Halloween
[Fri] National Magic Day
[Fri] Cher’s final farewell concert (Toronto)

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Magic Week
Consumers Week
Disarmament Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:

• You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
• The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
• If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.
• It doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
• You can do the whole neighborhood!

BS INTERVIEWS:
• An expert debunks the theory that Halloween customs are associated with devil worship.
PHONER: 315.859.4691 (Sharon Rippey, Director of Media Relations, Hamilton College, Clinton NY)
• ‘The Mall of the Dead’, a haunted house with 16 different scary scenes in The Mall at Wentzville Crossing near St Louis, caused a local uproar when it was found that some of the live vignettes involved same-sex kissing and a whipping dominatrix. Officials have closed it down for ‘serious safety violations’ and ‘not because of objections to sexually explicit and violent content’. Organizers say they were just trying to promote a little adult fun.
PHONER: 636.327.7220 (The Mall at Wentzville Crossing, Wentzville MO)

BS MUSIC TRIVIA:
Q: This song marked the first time a cello was used in a pop hit.
A: The Beatles’ “Yesterday” (1965).

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s your favorite family Halloween movie of all-time?” (Among the fave films in a Blockbuster poll – “Ghostbusters”, “Hocus Pocus”, and “Beetlejuice”.)
• “What apt names have you heard for people in their professions?” (There’s a urologist named Dr Harder. His business card says “Can’t Pee? Try Harder!”.)

BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’:
Two of the following are actual headlines from women’s magazines, the other a total BS fake. But which one?
GAME #1 –
a. “Girl, the Power’s in Your Hands Now!”
b. “When You’re Ready for Round Two, But He’s Not Up For It”
c. “Bust Ups! Why Augmentations Fail” [FAKE]

GAME #2 –
a. “Don’t Do It! Why You Should Never, Ever, Drink & Dial!”
b. “Chocolate Injections: The New Botox” [FAKE]
c. “Land That Man, Ace Your Job, And Look Your Sexiest Ever!”

GAME #3 –
a. “The Day I Bought a Vibrator”
b. “Who’s Your Daddy? Why We Search For Father Figures” [FAKE]
c. “What’s His Idea of Kinky Sex?”
Source: “Cleo”, Cosmopolitan”, “Chatelaine”.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you’re married, at least one of your friends has an unexplainable fear of THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Driving in a vehicle with your spouse.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
This week’s samplers include Madalyn White @ WARW Rockville MD, Chris Parson @ Classic Rock 102.5 Deniliquin, Australia, and Richard Sterling @ KWPN West Point NE. Welcome all!


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