Friday, October 17, 2003        Edition: #2646
Eat, Breath Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY in Hollywood the (surviving) cast of the movie “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” is celebrating the comedy classic’s 40th anniversary at a special showing in Hollywood’s Cinerama Dome, a theater built specifically for the film’s 1963 debut . . . TOMORROW the Academy of Canadian Cinema & Television is handing out Gemini Awards in the ‘News’, ‘Sports’ & ‘Documentary’ categories at a gala in Toronto, with the main awards being passed out MONDAY (http://www.geminiawards.ca) . . . The man author Ian Fleming said was the inspiration for ‘James Bond’, World War II hero Lieutenant-Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job, has died at age 90 (he no longer stirs when shaken) . . . Heavy equipment maker Caterpillar is suing to block TUESDAY’s direct-to-DVD release of Disney’s “George of the Jungle 2″, claiming the movie damages the company’s reputation by tying it to industrialists who are destroying the jungle . . . 24-year-old Mijailo Mijailovic, the wacko accused of killing Swedish Foreign Minister Anna Lindh, is asking for Tom Cruise to act as his lawyer (guess he liked “The Firm” and “A Few Good Men”) . . . Faded pop star Prince has become extremely unpopular with his Minneapolis MN neighbors, because he’s been going door-to-door in his new guise as – a Jehovah’s Witness . . . “Kill Bill” creator Quentin Tarantino has bought a downtown Los Angeles theater that’s been closed 7 years and plans to use it to show his favorite martial arts films . . . And in a bid to stay in touch with her Blackfeet Nation ancestry (who knew?), actress Cameron Diaz has apparently adopted the native name ‘Firedancer’ (her ancestral Spanish name is ‘Airhead’).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “The Runaway Jury” (Court Drama): John Cusack plays a jury member in a landmark lawsuit against a gun manufacturer who conspires with Rachel Weisz to swing the verdict. Gene Hackman plays a ruthless jury consultant, and Dustin Hoffman a lawyer who’ll do anything to get the right verdict. Based on the John Grisham novel.
• “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (Horror): An update of the original 1974 low-budget horror flick that still has a cult following. A small town Texas sheriff who is hell-bent on capturing chainsaw wielding maniac ‘Leatherface’ decides to use a group of teens (Jessica Biel and other hotties) as bait to lure him out.
• “Veronica Guerin” (Drama): Cate Blanchett portrays real-life Irish journalist Veronica Guerin, whose investigative reporting on Dublin’s drug underworld led to numerous attempts on her life.
• “Sylvia” (Limited Release Drama): Gwyneth Paltrow stars as Sylvia Plath in this biopic about the poet who killed herself in 1963 at the age of 30.

TESTY WOMEN:
A new skin patch that boosts the ‘male’ hormone testosterone has been shown in Australian and European tests to improve the sex lives of women suffering from a loss of sexual desire due to depression, medication or menopause. In fact, the testosterone patch increased women’s ‘desire scores’ by about 40%. (Unfortunately, it also increased their husbands’ complaints about scratchy beards.)

HANGING UP THE OL’ MITER:
Word is Roman Catholic cardinals may ask increasingly ill Pope John Paul II to resign when they meet in Rome MONDAY. If he does, he would be only the 2nd to do so. The other was Celestine IV, who’s only claim to fame is the introduction of the resignation option in 1294.

SPEEDY SPERM:
A new study by Brazilian scientists shows that coffee makes sperm go faster, suggesting that caffeine might provide the basis for an infertility treatment.

SPECIAL OP:
Reports say mauled magician Roy Horn may have had his life saved by an extreme operating procedure called a ‘hemi-crani-ectomy’. In order to reduce the amount of pressure caused by brain swelling, a portion of the skull is removed, which is then stored in the patient’s stomach to keep the bone marrow alive. During the radical operation, Horn reportedly officially died for almost a minute.

MOBILE MAD:
Norway now has over 4 million registered mobile phone users – in a country with a total population of 4.5 million! This is equivalent to every Norwegian over the age of 10 having a mobile phone account.

WHAT WE DO AT WORK:
The average time spent at each activity per week –
General Administration/Paperwork . . . 5.1 hours.
Lunch/Breaks/Personal Business . . . 4.4 hours.
Internal Phone Calls . . . 2.6 hours.
Personal Training . . . 2.2 hours.
Handling Mail . . . 1.8 hours.
Internal Meetings . . . 1.8 hours.
Tme Planning/Strategizing . . . 1.3 hours.
Attending Staff Meetings . . . 1.1 hours.
Professional Reading . . . 1.1 hours.
Filing . . . 0.9 hour.
Training Other Staff . . . 0.8 hour.
(What about the rest of time? Practical Jokes, Checking Makeup, Slagging the Boss, Slagging Co-Workers, Counting Holes in Ceiling Tiles, Rubber Band Basketball, General Goofing Off …)
Source: Pace Productivity survey.

BS AMAZING FACT:
More car accidents happen on FRIDAY than any other day, according to a new study by Progressive Insurance. The worst time? Most of them happen between 4 and 7pm. The study also finds that the safest time to drive is THURSDAY morning … at 4am.

THE BULL SHEET 10.17.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [45] Alan Jackson, Newnan GA, country singer (w/Jimmy Buffett-“It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere“, “Don’t Rock the Jukebox”)

1963 [40] Norm Macdonald, Québec City QC, TV actor (will star in the new FOX-TV sitcom “A Minute with Stan Hooper”)/stand-up comedian/movie actor (“Dr Doolittle 2″, “Man on the Moon”)/ex-“SNL” cast member

1971 [32] Chris Kirkpatrick, Clarion PA, washed-up pop singer (‘N Sync-“Girlfriend”, “Bye Bye Bye”)

1972 [31] Eminem (Marshall Mathers III), Kansas City MO, rap artist (“Cleaning Out My Closet”, “Without Me”)/movie actor (“Eight Mile”)

1972 [31] Wyclef Jean, La Plaine HAITI, R&B/rap artist (f/Missy Elliott-“Party To Damascus”, Fugees-“Killing Me Softly”)

1972 [31] Sharon Leal, Tucson AZ, TV actress (Marilyn Sudor-“Boston Public” since 2000)

1977 [26] Sergio Andrade, Guatemala City GUATEMALA, rock bassist (Lifehouse-“Hanging By a Moment”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [77] Chuck Berry, St Louis MO, rock ‘n roll pioneer (“Maybelline”, “Sweet Little 16″, “Johnny B Goode”, “Roll Over Beethoven”, but his biggest hit was the 1972 novelty song “My Ding-A-Ling”)

1933 [70] Peter Boyle, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (Frank Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond” since 1996, 1993 Emmy Award-“The X-Files”)/movie actor (“Monsters Ball”, “Dr Doolittle”)

1960 [43] Jean-Claude Van Damme (Van Varenberg) aka ‘The Muscles from Brussels’, Sint-Agatha Berchem BELG, action movie actor (“Double Team”, “Timecop”) whose career has pretty well tanked

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Gaudy Day”. (Well, nice to see [co-host] is dressed for the occasion!)

TODAY-October 26th the 25th annual “Fantasy Fest” parties in Key West FL. Renowned for its outlandish ‘adult’ costumes and wild bashes, it’s truly one of the most bizarre celebrations in North America.
PHONER: 305-296-1817
NET: http://www.fantasyfest.net

TOMORROW is “Alaska Day”, commemorating the formal transfer of Alaska from Russian to US control on this date in 1867 – one of the sneakiest real estate deals ever! The US paid $7.2 million, or less than 2 cents an acre. Nowadays, millions of dollars worth of oil is piped out of Alaska EVERY DAY.

TOMORROW is “Persons Day”, commemorating the anniversary of the 1929 ruling that declared women to be ‘persons’ in Canada (shouldn’t that be ‘people’?). Previously, under English common law, women were persons in matters of pains and penalties, but were not persons in matters of rights and privileges.

TOMORROW is “No Beard Day”, an observance likely started by somebody’s wife somewhere.

SUNDAY is “Evaluate Your Life Day”, a time to ‘sit back and reflect on your contribution to humanity and see if you’re really heading toward where you want to be’. (Shouldn’t take long.)

SUNDAY is “Pleasure Sunday”, a highlight of “National Orgasm Month”, as declared by the LA-based sex-education institution, Erotic University. Several special events are scheduled, including 2 world record attempts – one in which women compete to achieve the ‘Most Orgasms in an Hour’, another in which 20 women will attempt the ‘World’s Largest Simultaneous Orgasm’ while under hypnosis. (Honest, you couldn’t make this stuff up!)
PHONER: 818.342.7566 (Jeff Booth)
NET: http://www.eroticuniversity.com

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1998 [05] The Barenaked Ladies single, “One Week”, hits #1 – for one week

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1968 [35] Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau introduces Official Languages Act, making English and French the country’s 2 official languages

1974 [29] 1st to run coast-to-coast across Canada (Mark Kent-102 days)

1982 [21] 1st Russian to score a goal in the NHL (Victor Nechaev-LA Kings)

1860 [143] 1st ‘professional golf tournament’ held, in Scotland (Wee Willie Park wins)

1987 [16] 1st World Series game in a domed stadium (Minnesota Metrodome)

1989 [14] 1st World Series game cancelled by an earthquake (Game 3-Oakland in San Francisco)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1995 [08] ‘Largest video boxed set’ released (58 episodes of classic TV show “The Monkees” on 21 videocassettes)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Sweetest Day
[Sun] Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day
[Tues] Babbling Day
[Thurs] TV Talk Show Host Day
[Thurs] Final flight of the Concorde aircraft
This Week Is . . . Credit Union Week
This Month Is . . . Eat Better, Eat Together Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WAYS TO GET A WOMAN TO DUMP YOU:

• Hang with her girlfriends.
• Stop caring about your appearance for awhile.
• Make dates and then don’t show up.
• Be the sensitive, caring man women want, but really overdo it.
• Be entirely selfish in bed.
• Find trivial things that she does and complain about them.
• Compare her to your mother.
• Cheat on her and make sure you get caught.
Source: AskMen.com

BS ‘FIVE-IN-TEN GAME’:
Contestant gets 10 seconds to list 5 things in each category –
• 5 non-contact sports.
• 5 kinds of sandwiches.
• 5 excuses for missing work.
• 5 ways to make up after an argument.
• Make 5 sounds with your body without talking.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Would you be in favor of a ‘national identity card’ issued to every citizen?”
• “What stupid rules does your condo corporation or local homeowners association impose on you? No shrubs over 3 feet? No purple garage doors?”
• “What’s the absolute worst behavior you’ve experienced in a movie theater?”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• There’s plenty of room on this Earth for all of God’s creatures … right next to the mashed potatoes.
• Gun manufacturer Smith & Wesson is looking to expand into home decor, clothing and jewelry. Geez, next thing you know Harley Davidson will branch out into the motorcycle business.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Silent-picture star Norma Talmadge was the first actress in Hollywood to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Place her footprints in freshly-poured cement. She started the tradition when she accidentally stumbled in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater in 1927.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Bad manners are like bad teeth. Nobody knows you have them until you open your mouth.


Printer Friendly Version