Monday, October 13, 2003        Edition: #2642
Get a Load of This Sheet!

THE WEEK’S WACK HEADLINES:
• “Surgeon Loses $21,000 Rolex in Patient!”
• “World’s Fattest Couple Has World’s Fattest Baby!”
• “Killer Androids Breeding Like Flies!”
• “500-Pound Supermodel Looking for Love!”
• “Space Aliens Selling Hi-Tech Weapons to Al Qaeda!”
• “Dangerous New Nursing Home Fad: Wheelchair Chicken!”
Source: “Weekly World News”

TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “E! Online” notes that ABC-TV is developing a US version of the hit British reality series “Wife Swap”, in which women from different social backgrounds switch families for 2 weeks. The ABC version will be called “Trading Moms”. (About 50% of American families have already done this.)
• ”National Enquirer” says actor Ethan Hawke cheated on wife Uma Thurman because he thought she was having an affair with “Kill Bill” director Quentin Tarantino. Pals say that’s what led him to stray with 22-year-old model Jen Perzow while he was working in Canada. (“I thought you started it!” Yeah, there’s an excuse that‘s gonna fly!)
• “Daily Dish” reports that Luther Vandross is recording music again just months after he suffered a stroke and a subsequent coma. Word is the 52-year-old R&B legend’s voice is as good as ever following a series of successful vocal exercises.
• “Star” magazine says 35-year-old actress Julia Roberts has abandoned her plans to become a mom so she can concentrate on her acting career once again. After wedding Danny Moder in the summer of 2002, she retreated from the glare of the spotlight in the hope of getting pregnant, but her dream has yet to be achieved. (It helps if you’re actually in the same city.)
• “Ananova” reports that authorities in the former Soviet state of Georgia want to name a peak in the Caucasus Mountains after Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Nothing new here – a whole slew of ‘70s Hollywood starlets were asked to Mount Schwarzenegger.)
• “PeopleNews” reports that actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been banned from her own kitchen by hubby Michael Douglas after she almost burned down their NYC apartment. When her dinner creation burst into flames, instead of using the fire extinguisher right beside the stove she instead fled the apartment and waited by the elevator. (It’s “Intolerable Cooking”!)
• “NY Post” reports that actor Casey Affleck has bought a house in South Carolina, right across the Savannah River from brother Ben’s Georgia plantation, and now they intend to team up to buy a 3rd property where they’ll put a hunting lodge for all their friends from Hollywood. (Gee, what would a bunch of good lookin’ rich guys from Hollywood be hunting?)
• “Globe” reports that Lisa Marie Presley & Nicolas Cage are planning to wed again after their first attempt at marriage ended last year after only a month. Friends claim Nic formally proposed … again, and now Lisa Marie is making plans for a spring wedding at Graceland in Memphis. (Elvis has resumed grave spinning.)

SPACE JUNK:
Increasingly, the space about Earth is getting cluttered up with junk, and it’s not just messy – it’s dangerous! Even small pieces, such as a space glove zipping around at 17,000 mph can puncture space suits or cripple satellites. In all, some 2,200 tons of debris is orbiting within 1,200 miles of Earth, of which more than 9,000 objects larger than 4 inches have been cataloged. A few notables –
• Oldest Debris in Orbit: The US ‘Vanguard 1′ satellite, launched March 17, 1958 and worked for just 6 years.
• Biggest Garbage Disposal: Russia’s ‘Mir’ space station, from which cosmonauts jettisoned more than 200 objects, most of them bags full of garbage, during the 1st 10 years of operation.
• Most Heavily Shielded Spacecraft in History: The International Space Station (with good reason!).
Source: European Space Agency

PILL MAKES YOU TAN, THIN, SEXIER:
Some surprising side effects were discovered when skin cancer researchers tested a hormone called ‘Melanotan II’, hoping to find a way to stimulate a natural tan without the sun. The hormone also seemed to cause weight loss and increase sexual proficiency. Now, several companies are developing the so-called ‘Barbie Drug’, each focusing on a different benefit. An Australian lab is testing ‘EpiTan’, an injection designed to deliver a safe tan. US researchers are working on a sexual spin-off called ‘PT141′, a nasal spray that promises to boost libido somewhat like Viagra in both men and women.

JUST CALL ME PEEWEE:
According to a poll by a men’s magazine, about 70% of men have a pet name for their er, uh, manhood. Some of the most popular – ‘Junior’, ‘Jack’, ‘Ace’, ‘Big Boy’, ‘Sam’, and ‘Slugger’. Interesting that only half of those surveyed say they have revealed the nickname to their partners. (Also interesting that partners often use a much different and less flattering name.)

PICKUP WORK:
A Belgian security company is offering to send out professional thieves to test stores’ security
systems. The Crime Control Company says its shoplifters are never caught and always return all of the stolen goods afterwards. They fill in a report explaining how they did it, giving advice on how stores can improve security. (Finally some work for Winona Ryder!)

WARNING PANTS:
Dutch scientists have developed underwear that calls an ambulance if the wearer has a heart
attack. Philips Research Labs has developed bras, undershirts and underpants that register and analyze the wearer’s heartbeat. The sensors are linked, via wireless technology, to a mobile phone which automatically makes contact with an alarm center or ambulance in an emergency. (I’ve had experience with this. My girlfriend’s thong gave me a heart attack.)

FOR THE RECORD:
A Norwegian Elvis impersonator has regained a world record by singing Elvis songs for over 40 hours. Kjell Henning Bjoernestad, known to his fans as Kjell Elvis, sang 786 songs in 40 hours, 8 minutes and 1 second. (He was also voted ‘Least Likely to Be Invited to a Party’.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 900 pencils, enough iron to make a 3-inch nail, and enough phosphorous for 2,200 match heads!

THE BULL SHEET 10.13.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [62] Paul Simon, Newark NJ, folk/pop singer (“Graceland”) who’s reuniting with former singing partner Art Garfunkel for a 30-city reunion tour beginning OCTOBER 18 in Detroit (& Garfunkel-“Bridge Over Troubled Water”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1990)

1942 [61] Jerry (Jerrel Wayne) Jones, LA CA, flamboyant NFL owner who bought the declining Dallas Cowboys and Texas Stadium for $140 million in 1989

1962 [41] Jerry Rice, Starkville MS, record-setting NFL wide receiver (Oakland Raiders, 3 Super Bowls-San Francisco 49ers 1985-2001)

1962 [41] Kelly Preston, Honolulu HI, movie actress (“What a Girl Wants”, “Jerry McGuire”)/Mrs John Travolta since 1991  UP NEXT: Appears with Mike Myers in “The Cat in the Hat”, opening NOVEMBER 21st.

1968 [35] Tisha Campbell-Martin, Oklahoma City OK, TV actress (Damon Wayans’ wife ‘Jay Marie Kyle’-”My Wife & Kids”)

1980 [23] Ashanti (Douglas), Glen Cove NY, pop singer (“Rock Wit U [Awww Baby]“, “Foolish”)  FACTOID: She’ll release the holiday LP “Ashanti’s Christmas” in NOVEMBER.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Columbus Day” in the USA, commemorating Christopher Columbus first setting foot in the ‘New World’ (actually October 12th, 1492). It’s a legal holiday for federal workers and in DC.

TODAY is “Thanksgiving Day” in Canada, a yearly tradition since 1879. It was originally celebrated at the same time as in the US, but was eventually moved to the 2nd Monday of October to reflect the earlier harvest season.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1963 [40] The term ‘Beatlemania’ is coined after The Beatles appear at London’s Palladium

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1903 [100] Boston Pilgrims (Red Sox) beat Pittsburgh Pirates 5 games to 3 to win 1st ‘World Series’ (best of 9)

1983 [20] 1st ‘cellular telephone system’ introduced (the quality of driving immediately deteriorates)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Be Bald & Be Free Day
[Wed] National Grouch Day
[Thurs] Dictionary Day
[Fri] Gaudy Day
[Sat] No Beard Day
[Sun] Evaluate Your Life Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Credit Union Week
Getting the World to Beat a Path to Your Door Week
International Pinball Week
Forest Products Week
Peace With Justice Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR INCHWORM?

Crayola Crayons has added 4 new colors to celebrate the company’s 100th anniversary, 3 of them named by children. ‘Jazzberry Jam’, ‘Mango Tango’, ‘Inchworm’ and ‘Wild Blue Yonder’ were introduced at a corporate birthday party on the weekend.
BS REJECTED CRAYON COLORS:

• ‘Melanoma Tan’.
• ‘Klan White’
• ‘Found in a Diaper Gold’
• ‘Flu Phlegm Green’
• ‘Fast Food Burger Gray’
• ‘Los Angeles Air Brown’
• ‘Time o’ the Month’
• ‘Spank Me Pink’

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Who was the #1 Hollywood movie star from 1935-1938?
a) Clark Gable
b) Rin Tin Tin
c) Shirley Temple
A: Shirley Temple.

Q: Who normally lays a larger egg … an old hen or a young hen?
A: Practise makes perfect. An old hen lays larger eggs.

BS WEB GOODIE:
What’s it costing you to smoke? This online ‘Smoking Calculator’ helps you figure out how much money you could save if you quit right now.
NET: http://www.wtvw.com/Global/category.asp?C=11689&nav=7CPE9lSG

BS PHONE STARTER:
“A co-worker has an odor problem. What do you do?” (44% of men, but just 22% of women claim they’d tell a co-worker they have a body odor problem according to a survey in “Men’s Health”.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• So I said to my wife, “I want to be cremated.” She said, “How about Tuesday?”
• Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not make any movies while he’s in office. I was thinking … now if we could just get Ben & Jen to run for something.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: For 90% of women, THESE are too small … and they should do something about it for their own good.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their shoes. A “Health” magazine survey finds 75% of foot surgery performed on women is due to poor-fitting footwear.

BS DEEP THOUGHTS:
• An ‘expert’ is someone who knows more and more about less and less.
• An ‘expert’ is someone who knows tomorrow why today’s prediction failed.

WELCOME NEWBIES:
Welcome aboard to “BS” samplers this week that include Hariett Saniel @ DXBE 89.1 Davao, Philippines, Ross Carpenter @ KGWY Gillette WY, Randy Wesson @ KRSB Roseburg OR, Lori Alboino @ CKHC Toronto CAN, Cheri Warren @ WZRX Lima OH, and Stanley Jacobson @ WBUT Butler PA. Remember, subscribing to “BS” is as simple as clicking the link at the top of the page.


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