Tuesday, October 7, 2003        Edition: #2638
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

TODAY the compilation CD “Elvis 2nd to None” is released, a companion hits collection to “ELV1S 30 #1 Hits” that includes the previously unheard recording of “I’m a Roustabout” . . . TODAY a new CD entitled “Beautiful: A Tribute To Gordon Lightfoot” hits music stores, with tracks by a dozen artists including Tragically Hip and Blue Rodeo . . . “Miss Match” actress Alicia Silverstone has apparently met her own match, STUN punk rocker Chris Jarecki, whom she’s been secretly living with for 2 years and now wants to wed . . . “Sex & the City” actress Kristin Davis has a new romance with British actor Damian Lewis (“Dreamcatcher”) after they met at a post-Emmys party . . . Word is Jane Fonda was forced to audition for the upcoming romantic comedy “Spanglish”, starring Adam Sandler – and didn’t get the part . . . Rumors continue to circulate that Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst & actress Halle Berry are an item – he reportedly wooing she by giving her an iPod programmed with classic love songs . . . “Kill Bill” actress Uma Thurman has lost her $22-million contract with cosmetic giant Lancome, perhaps because the company fears a 33-year-old mother-of-two lacks youth appeal . . . And “Out of Time” actor Denzel Washington has reportedly moved into the Lenny Kravtiz-owned apartment in NYC previously being used by Nicole Kidman while her own place was reno-ed (apparently there’s a housing crisis in New York and only Lenny can help).

• “Down with Love” (Romantic Comedy – DVD): A feminist advice author (Renee Zellweger) and a playboy journalist (Ewan McGregor) fall in love in 1963 New York. A riff on the old ‘50s and ‘60s Doris Day/Rock Hudson ‘bedroom comedies’.
• “Hollywood Homicide” (Action Comedy – DVD): Harrison Ford & Josh Hartnett play LAPD detectives who take time from moonlighting in other jobs (real estate/acting) to investigate the murder of an up-and-coming rap group.
• “The Italian Job” (Crime Caper): A team of crack thieves plans to pull off the heist of their lives by creating LA’s largest-ever traffic jam. Mark Wahlberg & Charlize Theron star in this remake of the 1969 Michael Caine film. Actually, the Mini-Coopers used as getaway cars are the real stars.
• There are also ‘Special Edition’ DVD releases of the movie classics “Sleepless in Seattle: (10th Anniversary), “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, and “The Lion King” (Platinum Edition).

Canada could face a serious shortage of sperm for artificial insemination if legislation passes banning payment to donors. The Assisted Human Reproduction Act is nearing final reading after 10 years in the works and stipulates that the materials of human life should not be treated like commodities. Under the new law, sperm donors would be compensated for expenses only (old “Playboy” magazines?). Currently they can earn up to $100 per donation, and can donate up to 3 times per week. Many donors are university students looking for spending money. (You mean these jerk-offs are getting paid?)

Add one more to the list that already includes booze, drugs, sex, shopping and gambling. Addiction experts say a new problem called ‘contact addiction’ has been rapidly on the rise over the past 18 months in which people can’t seem to quit – text messaging. The afflicted often suffer from repetitive strain injuries, sleep deprivation, eye strain, increased agitation and depression. Documented cases show some have been texting for up to 7 hours a day. ‘Contact Addiction’ can also include compulsions to surf the Web, play computer games and use mobile phones. (The best solution found so far – get a life.)

A sick game called ‘hogging’, in which men try to score with heavyset women, is reportedly all the rage in Cleveland OH these days. “It’s just easier,” says one participant. “You’re not embarrassed getting shot down by them.” This is not to be confused with a new British sex craze called ‘dogging’ – outdoor sex in public places. Experts say the driving force behind it is the adrenaline rush caused by risk-taking. “News of the World” says the practice picked up its name because ‘taking the dog for a walk’ is a good excuse to get out of the house.

Only 2 out of every 100 people are truly ‘ambidextrous’, able to perform tasks equally well with either hand. Ambidextrous literally means ‘right-handed on both sides’. A person who is equally clumsy with both hands is called ‘ambisinister’.
Source: “Lefty: A Handbook for Left-Handed Kids” by Beth Singer.

Ever wonder how much of your life you’re spending stuck in traffic jams? A recent study shows the average annual traffic delay per driver based on urban population –
• In cities over 3 million, an average of 54 hours per year per driver is spent gridlocked.
• In population centers of 1-3 million, 40 hours per year.
• Urban centers of 500,000-1 million, 31 hours.
• Under 500,000, 10 hours.
Source: Texas Transportation Institute

When phoning a company’s call center, there are several ways to cut through the recorded menus and get an actual real human on the line. Among them –
• Zero Out – Instead of wading through menu choices, immediately dial ‘0′ (or sometimes ‘9′,’#’ or ‘*’) to get directly to an operator.
• Pretend You’re on a Rotary Phone & Wait for the Operator – Simply waiting may actually save you time in the long run as opposed to getting caught up in multiple levels of menus.
• Avoid Peak Call Times – 10:30am to 2:30pm is the worst time to call any call center.
• Pick the ‘Sales’ Option – Even if you’re not looking to buy anything, money-generating sales calls almost always get answered first.
• Call the Company’s Local Number – Forget the toll-free number and call the company on its local phone number. You may pay for long distance, but local calls are often answered more quickly.
Source: Condensed from “USA Today”.

• 20-year-old beauty therapist Sarah Percival of Middlesbrough, England has set a new world record by performing 140 bikini waxes in 4 hours. That beats the previous record of 130 set in Perth, Australia in JULY. (Her shop also set a new record for repeated screams of ‘OW!’)
• Portland, Maine has challenged the town of Keene, New Hampshire to a contest for the most lighted jack-o-lanterns. Keene set the record when 23,727 residents showed up with carved and lighted pumpkins at a local festival in 2000.


1951 [52] John Mellencamp, Seymour IN, rock singer (“Jack & Diane”)/Farm Aid co-founder

1952 [51] Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, St Petersburg RUS, President of Russia since 2000

1955 [48] Yo-Yo Ma, Paris FRA, world famous cello virtuoso (“Yo-Yo Ma Inspired by Bach”)

1968 [35] Toni Braxton, Severn MD, Grammy-winning pop/R&B singer (“Unbreak My Heart”)

1968 [35] Thom Yorke, Wellingborough ENG, rock singer/guitarist (Radiohead-”Go To Sleep”)  FACTOID: For the 3rd consecutive year, Radiohead was voted ‘World’s Best Band’ at the recent “Q Music Awards” by readers of Britain’s “Q” magazine.

1979 [24] Shawn Ashmore, Richmond BC, movie actor (‘Iceman/Bobby Drake’-“X-Men 1 & 2″)

[California] Recall Election Day

TODAY is “National Techies Day”, honoring tech professionals in a wired world.

THIS WEEK is “National Customer Service Week”, a good time to take calls from listeners with stories about outstanding service they’ve received from businesses. In these days of voice mail, menu-driven phone systems and high-tech retailing, it’s refreshing to hear about good old fashioned personal service. If station advertisers get mentioned, all the better!

1952 [51] “American Bandstand” begins as a local program on WFIL-TV Philadelphia, hosted by Bob Horn, who is later replaced by Dick Clark (the basis for current TV show “American Dreams”)

1828 [175] 1st ‘bathtub’ introduced, in England (next day people started fretting over how to get rid of that damn ring!)

1986 [17] 1st ‘Cabbage Patch Kids’ (which cause a holiday season frenzy but nowadays only cost about a nickel at a garage sale)

1982 [21] Broadway musical “Cats” premieres and continues for 7,485 performances through 2000 (attracts 10 million theater-goers and grosses $400 million)

1916 [87] ‘Most lop-sided football game’ as Georgia Tech beats Cumberland College 222-0

1924 [79] 160 consecutive days of 100 degrees F or more begin at Marble Bar, Australia

1965 [38] World’s ‘longest hole-in-one’ as Robert Mitera aces 447-yard 10th hole at Miracle Hills Golf Course in Omaha NE

[Wed] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Thurs] National Dessert Day
[Fri] Full Moon (Hunter’s Moon)
[Sun] Farmers Day
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day Columbus Day
This Week Is . . . Squirrel Awareness Week (hey, what’s that bushy-tailed rodent climbing the tree over there?)
This Month Is . . . Dryer Vent Safety Month (what could possibly go wrong here … you burn your underwear?)

There are 5 things that a woman should never ever ask a guy, according to “Sassy” magazine. Why? Each is guaranteed to explode into an argument if the guy does not answer correctly, which is to say dishonestly.
1. What are you thinking?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

• Whyzit while you’re in school there may be a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, but by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field’s employment market is glutted?
• Whyzit Radio Shack asks for your phone number when you buy batteries? Are they worried you’re going to start something?
• Whyzit a newborn baby always seems to bear a striking resemblance to the relative with the most money?
• Whyzit nobody believes an ‘official spokesperson’ but everybody trusts an ‘unidentified source’?
• Whyzit there’s never a war in countries you might want to visit? It’s always Afghanistan, Iraq, Bosnia. Why not liberate Aruba or maybe Tahiti?
• Whyzit anything too stupid to be said is sung?

• A ‘nullipara’ is a woman who …
a. Has never borne a child. [CORRECT]
b. Has never prepared food.
c. Has never scolded her husband.

• ‘Metrophobia’ is the fear of …
a. Big cities.
b. Subways.
c. Poetry. [CORRECT]

• You’re reading the comics in the newspaper when you come across a ‘plewd’. What the heck is it?
a. The black cloud over a character’s head indicating anger.
b. The series of exclamation marks & other typographical symbols used to indicate foul language. [CORRECT. As in “You !@?#% jerk!”]
c. It’s the technical name for the bubble in which dialogue appears.

• “What newspaper headline have you been waiting your whole life to read?”
• “Where is the absolute worst place to live in Canada?” (A new guide called “Crap Towns: The 50 Worst Places to Live in the UK” has become a big seller in Britain.)

• I was reading this book called “The History of Glue” … I couldn’t put it down.
• How do you get a philosopher off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
• I was in a book store and asked the sales girl where the ‘Self Help’ section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
• Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Looking for some scary Halloween drop-ins? Here’s a 5-minute mix of famous quotes from all-time horror movie greats.
NET: http://x-entertainment.com/halloweencontest

Today’s Question: It’s estimated that we go through 11% more of THIS in autumn than in any other season.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Food.

A good radio bit should be like a woman’s skirt … short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

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