Thursday, October 2, 2003        Edition: #2635
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

TONIGHT Alison Krauss & Union Station bandmate Dan Tyminski host the 14th annual “International Bluegrass Music Awards” from the Kentucky Center for the Arts in Louisville (Union Station leads nominations with 13) . . . Filmmaker Norman Jewison, musician Ian Tyson and comedian Dave Broadfoot are among those who’ll receive this year’s ‘Governor General’s Performing Arts Awards’ at a ceremony at Rideau Hall NOVEMBER 7th (Adrienne Clarkson will likely ask for an extra $3 million to cover hor d’oeuvres) . . . Well, she sang she’s “Not a Girl” – Britney Spears tells “GQ” magazine that she was the ‘man’ in her relationship with Justin Timberlake (he’s already writing a revenge song in response) . . . P Diddy has been training for 3 weeks and is now running up to 18 miles per day in preparation for the “NYC Marathon” NOVEMBER 2nd . . . Word has it 39-year-old supermodel Elle Macpherson has checked into the Meadows Clinic in Phoenix AZ, suffering from exhaustion and depression (must be tired from spending all that money) . . . Comedian Louie Anderson is recovering in hospital after an operation to correct a heart problem (a doughnut in his aorta) . . . Elton John has raised $2.25 million from THIS WEEK’s auction of the entire contents of his London home (and will likely blow it all just as quickly redecorating) . . . U2’s Bono just finished 16 original paintings inspired by the musical fairytale “Peter & The Wolf” which will be auctioned for chairty in NOVEMBER . . . The “Playboy” Website is conducting a poll to find the ‘Sexiest Woman in Country Music’, with Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Martina McBride & Leann Rimes among the choices.

Halifax-based Salter Street Films has secured the rights to retired general Romeo Dallaire’s upcoming book “Shake Hands With The Devil: The Failure Of Humanity In Rwanda” in hopes of taking it to the bigscreen NEXT YEAR . . . The wacky Farrelly Bros will shoot a feature film on the story of “The Three Stooges” that revolves around the original trio, Curly, Larry & Moe (casting ideas, anyone?) . . . Word has it Ben Affleck (“Sum of All Fears”) may be dumped from playing CIA analyst ‘Jack Ryan’ in the next flick based on Tom Clancy spy thrillers, thanks to his recent string of box office flops, highlighted by “Gigli” . . .  “Lord of the Rings” star Orlando Bloom is being eyed for the lead in “Kingdom of Heaven”, an upcoming Crusades-era epic about a young blacksmith who becomes a knight . . . Gwyneth Paltrow is reportedly so terrified that the explicit love scenes in her new movie “Ted and Sylvia” will upset her sensitive Coldplay boyfriend Chris Martin, she’s attempting to arrange a private screening for him before the film’s premiere (inspiration for future depressingly sad songs?).

• 59% of women & a whopping 77% of men admit that their feet stink. [Odor Eaters poll]
• Men have control of the TV remote in 56% of households, women in just 35%. [DirecTV]
• Most Americans consider the UK, Canada & Australia their closest allies. [Harris Interactive poll]
• 36% of us say that stress is a problem in our lives. [Sedona Training Associates]

Lockheed Martin has a Pentagon contract worth at least $40 million to develop a high-altitude airship for the US Defense Department. The solar-powered, helium-filled airship will be 25 times larger than the Goodyear blimp, but you won’t be seeing it at any football games – the computerized airship will be unmanned and patrolling from an altitude of 65,000 ft … over 12-miles-up! (Where a Space Shuttle can run into it … oh the humanity!)

For a promotion NEXT SUMMER, Coca-Cola will use satellites to find consumers who happen to buy special cans of Coke equipped with Global Positioning System transponders. Winners will be tracked down and awarded Hummer H2s on-the-spot. The technology has been used before – in Australia, Coke is running a “Thrill Seeker” contest which uses satellite tracking to locate winners of cash and cars. In Canada, Coors Beer has used a “Tracker Bottle” the past 3 summers.

A 28-year-old Brazilian jailbird tried to escape from a prison near Sao Paulo by – dressing as a woman! Guards say he almost made it because he looked beautiful in a sexy dress, wig, padded bra and full makeup, but one thing tripped him up … unused to high heels, he was – quote – ‘walking like a duck’! (I think I dated this guy.)

Swiss inventors have developed a special plate for eating spaghetti without making a mess. It has a ‘crater’ in the middle, a little like an egg cup, which is used to wind the spaghetti around a fork. Inventors Mehdi Derouazi and Frank Martin from Geneva came up with the idea while studying at the Lausanne College for Hotel Management & Catering. (When you’re done eating, there’s a toothpick that folds out of the bottom … right next to the toenail clippers.)

Roy Littlejohns of Northampton, England has just wed girlfriend Michelle Jones in Las Vegas after the two dated for 8 years. So what? His previous wife (1980-95) was her twin sister, Madelaine! He says the identical twins aren’t that much different except his new wife is more worldly and he has more in common with her. (If you could marry a clone of your spouse, what would you change?)

We like this one for a station contest at a mall, club or fall fair. 47-year-old Jim Hager of Oakland CA has just set a new world record for eating 115 M&Ms in 3 minutes … with chopsticks. For his effort he gets 25 lbs of M&Ms from the local candy store sponsor.

New figures from StatsCan show that more people in Canada were killed with knives than guns LAST YEAR. Of the 582 homicides across the county, 31% were stabbings, 26% shootings, 21% beatings, and 11% died of strangulation or suffocation.


1948 [55] Donna Karan (Faske), Forest Hills NY, fashion designer (DKNY line of clothing)

1951 [52] Sting (Gordon Sumner), Wallsend ENG, rock musician (“Brand New Day”, Police-“Every Breath You Take”)/founded the ‘Rainforest Foundation’ in 1989

1954 [49] Lorraine Bracco, Brooklyn NY, TV actress (‘Dr Jennifer Melfi’, the shrink on “The Sopranos” since 1999)/ex-Mrs Edward James Olmos, ex-Mrs Harvey Keitel

1970 [33] Kelly Ripa, Stratford NJ, TV talk show co-host (“Live With Regis & Kelly”)/TV actress (‘Faith’ on the new ABC-TV sitcom “Hope & Faith”, “All My Children” 1990-2002)

[Ontario] Election Day

TODAY is “Name Your Car Day”. Polls show that about 15% of people have a pet name for their vehicle. What’s the best-named car model? Diablo? Lamborghini? Cayenne? Hummer?

TODAY is “Custodial Workers Day”, honoring those who clean up after the rest of us. Nicer names for ‘Janitor’ – ‘Caretaker’, ‘Maintenance Coordinator’, ‘Sanitation Engineer’, ‘Cleanliness Resource Supervisor’.

TODAY is “World Farm Animals Day”, as declared by the ‘Farm Animal Reform Movement’, to memorialize the ‘needless suffering and death’ of billions of innocent farm animals each year. The date honors the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi, who was the world’s foremost champion of humane farming.

• How many piglets does an average sow raise at one time? [8-12.]
• Why do farmers wear the same colored clothing each time they enter the poultry barn? [So they don’t frighten the birds.]
• What do you get when you cross a male horse and a female donkey? [A ‘hinny’. When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule.]
• How many eggs does a chicken lay in a year? [An average hen will lay 300.]
• This animal’s heart is capable of pumping 200 liters of blood per minute – enough to fill the gas tank of a pickup truck 3 times faster than a gas pump. [Horse.]
Source: Ontario Farm Animal Council

1866 [137]1st tin can with a ‘key opener’ (the ones that always break when the can’s half open)

1946 [57] 1st daytime TV ‘soap opera’ (“The Faraway Hill”-DuMont Network)

1994 [09] 1st-ever NFL coach clash of father vs son as Miami Dolphins’ Don Shula defeats son and Cincinnati Bengal coach David by a score of 23-7

1950 [53] Charles Schultz’s comic strip “Peanuts” (originally titled “Li’l Folks”) debuts in 9 newspapers, introducing the characters ‘Charlie Brown’, ‘Snoopy’, ‘Patty’ & ‘Sherman’ (even though Schultz has died, “Peanuts Classics” are still published in over 2000 newspapers)

1961 [42] 1st ‘pre-moistened hand towel’ is introduced (what did moms do before ‘wipes’?)

1991 [12] 1st team in sports history to draw 4 million fans in a single season (Toronto Blue Jays, who also clinch AL East on this day)

1997 [06] ‘World’s shortest man’, 22-inch-tall Gul Mohammed, dies at age 36 in New Delhi, India without achieving his dream of marrying a tall woman (like maybe a strapping 3-footer)

[Sat] National Denim Day
[Sun] National Story Telling Day
[Sun] World Smile Day
[Mon] Lawyers Day
[Mon] Yom Kippur
[Tues] “Elvis 2nd to None” compilation released
This Week is – Canadian Stamp Week / Get Organized Week
This Month is – Adopt a Shelter Dog Month


• When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
• If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the 2nd person.
• Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
• You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
• Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• The best place to be when you’re sad is grandpa’s lap.

10. You don’t put out.
9. You cheated first.
8. It’s challenging and exciting.
7. Because he can get away with it.
6. It boosts his ego.
5. The opportunity was there.
4. You’re a nag.
3. You allow it by being too quick to forgive.
2. You don’t turn him on anymore.
1. He doesn’t love you anymore.

1. Max
2. Lucky
3. Princess
4. Rocky
5. Buddy
6. Lady
7. Shadow
8. Daisy
9. Coco
10. Ginger
Source: NYC Health Department

• “Have you lived in this town your whole life?” “Not yet.”
• My doctor couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.
• The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing respectable.

Today’s Question: These days we’re spending almost 50% more time doing THIS than we did 10 years ago.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Being stuck in traffic.

Great beer bellies are made, not born.

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