Tuesday, October 29, 2002        Edition: #2409
We’ve Gone Bullistic!

TONIGHT the new season of Kiefer Sutherland’s hit FOX-TV series “24” debuts, with ‘Jack Bauer’ estranged from his daughter ‘Kim’ but returning to the ‘Counter-Terrorism Unit’ to fight another terrorist plot, while ‘David Palmer’ has become President after divorcing his scheming wife ‘Sherry’ (the whole hour is sold to Ford and airing commercial-free – why don’t they do this more often?) . . . TONIGHT on HBO’s “Real Sports”, 9-year pro defensive lineman Esera Tuaolo talks about being gay in the NFL, saying a major reason he retired early was the stress of keeping it secret (secret? – they ALL pat each other’s butts!) . . . Eminem & Mariah Carey had a brief fling LAST YEAR but it’s now that the sparks are flying – HE slamming SHE in his tune “When The Music Stops” and SHE swinging at HE in her new single “Clown” . . . Word has it that after Courtney Love had her breast implants removed she decided to take them home as souvenirs, leading to a terrible accident – her curious dog ate one and died . . . Shania Twain tells “TV Guide” that she’ll be very happy someday when she’s just writing songs and not a star at all (wow Shan’, we have so much in common) . . . ABC-TV has hatched another reality show – “The Will”, in which a real-life wealthy benefactor will bequeath his family fortune to the winner of a game-show style contest among his relatives (where there’s a will, there’s a greedy relative) . . . LAST MONTH it was underwear, now we hear there’s an upcoming charity auction of celebrity socks, including those worn by Bruce Springsteen, Sara Jessica Parker and Kylie Minogue, among others (yes it’s hose from hos) . . . Alicia Keys’ manager says she’s set to star in a new Disney film although it hasn’t got a name yet . . . And file this under ‘why?’ – a giant 22-by-17-ft portrait of Aussie drag comic ‘Dame Edna Everage’ has been unveiled on the side of a building in Melbourne – made entirely of toast (2,989 slices, in fact).

Tobey Maguire & Kirsten Dunst star in the bigscreen story of comic book superhero “Spider-Man” which has cleaned up $807 million in worldwide box office, 7th all-time (the sequel “The Amazing Spider-Man” is due in 2004) . . . Ben Affleck stars in the action thriller “The Sum of All Fears” as CIA analyst ‘Jack Ryan’ hunting down terrorists who plan to nuke the Super Bowl . . . A chemical causes poisonous spiders to grow to monumental proportions in the tongue-in-cheek horror thriller “Eight Legged Freaks”, starring Mr Courteney Cox, David Arquette . . . And DVD collectors might be interested in the entire 1st season of the TV comedy “Malcolm in the Middle” or 2 new DVDs of the ‘70s TV crime series “Baretta”, starring Robert Blake – “Baretta Season One” and “The Best of Baretta” boxed set (is it cynical to say these would never have seen the light of day if he hadn’t been charged with murder?).

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say . . . eating large amounts of monosodium glutamate, used to flavor oriental and processed foods, can injure the retina and lead to vision loss. Lab rats fed diets high in MSG in Japan developed thinner retinas and began to go blind. (So, never take your pet rat out for dim sum.)
• Scientists say . . . 75% of preschoolers don’t know they should wash their hands after using the toilet. The findings are part of a study by the American Public Health Association. (There are things they do know, however – don’t eat the white glue and don’t hit girls.)
• Scientists say . . . how you feel about yourself may be a good indicator of how long you will live. University of Wisconsin-Madison researchers suggest that people with low self-esteem are more likely to die at a younger age. (Well, [co-host] should live forever!)
• Scientists say . . . fresh air and toasty toadies are the keys to a good night’s sleep. Research at the Sleep Laboratory in Basel, Switzerland found the combination of cool air from an open window and warming the toes is the ideal way to speed up the journey to a deep slumber. (That’s in Switzerland, of course. Open the window here and you’ll get choked by smog.)
• Scientists say . . . men are more likely than women to be telling the truth if they plead, “Not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.” A team of German researchers investigating the phenomenon of sexual headaches, a condition known as ‘orgasmic cephalgia’, have discovered that it is 3 times more likely to strike men than women. The researchers believe the
condition affects 1 in a 100 people at least once during a lifetime, but some people are afflicted on a regular basis. (Easy solution – padded headboard.)

Airline passengers may be legally allowed to use their mobile phones on flights within 2 years. An American company is developing technology which would allow passengers to gab long distance while cruising at 37,000 ft without endangering the flight. (First it was in theaters, and now we’ll have to put up with mobile phones in the middle of in-flight movies!)

Estimates from the International Facility Management Association say that about 75% of Canadian and American office employees now work in ‘open-plan’ or ‘bullpen’ office space. And it’s getting smaller – the average office space per person has shrunk steadily over the past 5 years.

Researchers in Canada and Australia have shown that folk remedies for impotence that use animal penises have been on the decline ever since Viagra was introduced. The report from the University of New South Wales shows the killing of Alaskan reindeer, hooded seals and harp seals for their genitalia has drastically declined.

Well, it’s now official. Food experts agree that the best tasting meat is monkey meat. A panel of food experts says monkey meat is nearly as sweet as frog legs, but without the dryness. (Will that be red or blue butt?)


1947 [55] Richard Dreyfus, Brooklyn NY, ex-TV actor (“The Education of Max Bickford”)/movie actor (“Mr Holland’s Opus”, Oscar-“The Goodbye Girl”)

1965 [37] Peter Timmins, Toronto ON, pop/rock musician (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”)

1971 [31] Winona Ryder (Horowitz), Winona MN, movie actress (“Mr Deeds”, “Girl Interrupted”) currently on trial in Beverly Hills for shoplifting/previously linked with David Duchovny, Matt Damon & Johnny Depp  FACTOID: She’s actually a natural blonde but has been dyeing her hair since age 11

1977 [25] Jon Abrahams, NYC, TV actor (Zack Fisher-“Boston Public”)/movie actor (“Meet the Parents”)

• “Hermit Day”
• “International Internet Day”
• “Basketball Coaches Day”
• “Laugh A Lot Suddenly For No Reason Day”

1889 [113] Vancouver’s popular Stanley Park is dedicated

1945 [57] 1st ‘ballpoint pen’ goes on sale, 57 years after it was patented (for $12.95)

1947 [55] 1st ‘artificial rain’ created by seeding clouds with dry ice (Concord NH)

1966 [36] ‘National Organization of Women’ (NOW) founded

1983 [19] Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” becomes ‘longest-charting album of all time’ as it logs its 491st week on “Billboard” ‘Top 200′ album chart (lasts 740 weeks altogether until July 13, 1988)

1998 [04] 77-year-old return astronaut, US Senator John Glenn, becomes ‘oldest person to travel in space’ aboard Discovery (1st space shuttle with ‘Ask Me About My Grandchildren’ sticker on rear bumper)

[Wed] Devils Night
[Wed] Mischief Night
[Thurs] Halloween
[Thurs] National Magic Day
[Thurs] Increase Your Psychic Powers Day
[Thurs] UNICEF Day
[Fri] Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)
[Fri] All Saint’s Day
This Month is – Hunger Awareness Month / SIDS Awareness Month


• Whyzit you can never buy a bottle of shampoo without ‘25% extra’ in it?
• Whyzit there are planes in the ocean but no ships in the sky?
• Whyzit when you’re ‘making a living’ you’re barely making enough to survive but when you’re ‘making a killing’ you’re making enough to really live it up?
• Whyzit the likelihood of a letter getting lost is directly proportional to its importance?
• Whyzit we spend $3 to dry clean a shirt? Wouldn’t it be more economical to donate it
to the Salvation Army, let them clean it and put it on a hanger, and next morning buy it back for 75 cents?

1. Bob Hope
2. Strom Thurmond
3. Osama bin Laden
4. Ronald Reagan
5. Pope John Paul II
6. Katherine Hepburn
7. Boris Yeltsin
8. Zsa Zsa Gabor
9. Phyllis Diller
10. Yogi Berra
Source: “Celebrity Dead Pool”

TODAY is “International Internet Day”. What do you now use the Internet for that you would never have imagined 10 years ago?

Q: What was unusual about Winona Ryder’s childhood home in Elk CA?
a) It was an underground bunker.
c) It had no electricity.
c) All the furniture was stolen.
A: She grew up on a ranch commune that had no electricity.

Q: You go to St John’s NL because it’s a good place to witness a ‘calving’. What do you see?
a) A fiddle festival.
b) A giant iceberg making a baby iceberg.
c) The annual cod-tongue harvest.
A: ‘Calving’ is the breaking off or separation of a portion of a floating iceberg.

Q: How many muscles are there in the human ear?
a) 6
b) 2
c) None, stupid. Have you ever tried to lift something with your ear?
A: There are 6, the reason some people can wiggle theirs.
Q: What is the name of the protein that holds our skin together?
a) Saliva
b) Collagen
c) Lepages
A: Collagen, the most abundant protein in the human body. (Especially Angelina Jolie’s lips.)

Q: Where would you find more overweight people per capita?
a) In the country.
b) In the city.
c) In the lineup at Al’s All-You-Can-Eat Suet Buffet.
A: “Exercise & Health” magazine says 32% of rural people are overweight, compared to 27% in the city.

You’ve probably been up nights contemplating the perplexing question “What cartoon dog are you?”. Thank goodness someone with way too much time on their hands has put together a 9-question, multiple choice online quiz that will finally give you the answer:
NET: http://www.sacwriters.com/quizzes/cardog.htm

Today’s Question: According to “Sun” magazine, a woman will do this about 32 times in her lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Shower with her mate.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the more you appreciate it.

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