Friday, October 18, 2002        Edition: #2402
Sheet For Brains!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Brit rockers Queen receive a star on Hollywood’s Walk Of Fame, 29 years after releasing their debut single “Keep Yourself Alive” . . . TONIGHT VH1 debuts a controversial new series called “Music Behind Bars”, featuring music groups made up of – prison convicts (crime victims say the series glamorizes violent criminals) . . . Word is Michael Jackson has thrown a private bash at Neverland Ranch for some 200 US military personnel from Vandenberg Air Force base to thank them for fighting in Afghanistan (and bringing him back a nice selection of burqas to cover his face) . . . “Red Dragon” producer Dino De Laurentis has announced a 4th film in the ‘Hannibal Lecter’ series, despite Anthony Hopkins swearing he’d never do another . . . Here’s a twist – Shania Twain’s hubby-producer Mutt Lange is considering releasing 2 different versions of her 19-song album “Up!”, coming NOVEMBER 19 – one disc highlighting country mixes, the other more pop-oriented mixes (likely making it the first CD released with 2 versions in the same package) . . . “ Sports Illustrated Women” magazine has gone 6-pack abs-up due to lousy revenue . . . Elvis Presley’s “30 #1 Hits” has become his fastest Platinum release, passing the 1 million-unit sales mark in just 3 weeks . . . “Austin Powers” actor Mike Myers will have a street named after him (Mike Myers Drive) in his hometown of Scarborough ON . . . CTV has announced it’s going to produce a Canuck version of “American Idol: The Search For a Superstar” (to be called “American Idol But Born in Canada, Honest!”) . . . And kudos to the Toronto “Sun” for reviewing THIS WEEK’S Rolling Stones concerts in Hogtown under the clever headline – “Antiques Roadshow”.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
In the creepy horror thriller “The Ring”, up-and-comer Naomi Watts plays a journalist who discovers a videotape with a disturbing history – anyone who watches it winds up dead 7 days later (a remake of one of Japan’s most popular movies ever) . . . In the mystery “Abandon”, Katie Holmes (“Dawson’s Creek”) plays a college senior haunted by visions of her vanished ex-boyfriend, and Benjamin Bratt plays a recovering alcoholic detective trying to solve the case . . . Samuel L Jackson stars in the action comedy “Formula 51“ as an illegal-drug chemist who goes to Liverpool in search of his last big deal (hijinks ensue).

WHEN FISH GOES FOUL:
Scientists at the National Centre for Toxicological Research in Arkansas have developed tags that can detect if frozen food is going bad. They’ve come up with plastic discs containing organic dyes that change color when exposed to vapors given off by different types of rotting food. They are expected to be in commercial use within 2 years. (We already have this – it’s called a nose.)

GOOD NEWS FOR PEI:
New figures from StatsCan show that Canada’s national vegetable should be – the potato. We now eat about 75 kilos (165 lbs) of spuds per year each, 40% of our total vegetable consumption. Other veggies on the Canadian hit parade include tomatoes, lettuce, carrots and corn. (Funny, don’t see tofu anywhere here on the list of favorite 4 billion vegetable products.)

THE FOOT BOB:
A top plastic surgeon in Austin TX is now offering cosmetic surgery on – women’s feet. Dr Robert Ersek has started using liposuction to draw excess fat from the toes, feet and ankles to make them look more beautiful and reduce those excess ounces. The doc says a growing number of women are coming to see him in Texas because they think their feet are ugly, including an exotic dancer who was self-conscious about her big toe. (She got tired of working in socks.)

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MOVE:
A new guide from the Association of Movers says the stress of moving, thought to be the 3rd-worst after marriage and divorce, can be eased if you do it on the right day. You should avoid Fridays at all costs, according to the guide, and Mondays aren’t good either. The best day? Tuesday, apparently the quietest day for movers that also offers the least problems. (If you’re behind on your rent, pick any day – but make it 4am.)

KILT ENVY:
In a new survey, British teens predict that by 2010 more than 75% of males will regularly wear skirts and that more and more boys will wear makeup on a daily basis. The survey also suggests that the trend toward unisex clothing will continue. (Note to self – cancel vacation trip to the UK.)

THE AGONY OF DA FEET:
According to California podiatrist Dr Vicki Swanson, many women experience increased foot pain in OCTOBER when they switch from summer sandals to boots. Makes sense – feet stretch out and expand when they’re set free, then feel squashed and confined when forced into those stylish stiletto boots, causing sprains, hammertoes and other injuries. The doc’s advice? Go for a retro ‘90s look – comfortable old Doc Martens. (And be the laughing stock of your workplace!)      
SMART APPAREL:
Scientists at the University of Wollongong in Australia have developed sportswear that they hope will help prevent athletic injuries. Their hi-tech ‘intelligent fabric’ emits a groaning sound to warn athletes when they stretch too far or perform body movements that might cause injury. (I don’t care how famous you are buddy, tell your jockstrap to shut up!)

FOR THE RECORD:
French physicist Bocquet Lyon has calculated an equation that he claims maximizes the number of bounces stones will skip on the surface of water. He’ll attempt to match the world record of 38 ‘skips’ using a motorized catapult that will toss 3.9-inch stones at precisely 24.8 mph while spinning them at 14 revolutions a second.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• When the organist failed to show up for a wedding in Wales on the weekend, a guest promptly filled in, playing “Here Comes The Bride” – on her mobile phone. (How romantic.)
• A German man has spent 3 years rubbing cheese on his head every night, believing it would make his hair grow back. Surprise! It didn’t. It did, however, upset his wife so much she has divorced him. (Let this be a warning to Green Bay Packer fans!)
• Halloween costume distributor Disguise Inc has stopped shipping a new get-up that includes a mask with ‘comical buckteeth’ and slanted-eyes called ‘Kung Fool’ after Asian-American groups complained it was racist. (Gee, ya think?)
• Trond Andresen of the Norwegian Institute of Technology is accusing the media of yet another form of discrimination. He says TV and movies emphasize beautiful people whenever possible, thereby discriminating against the ugly. (Trond you silly Viking, don’t worry your little blond head – they’re all working in radio!)                                   

THE BULL SHEET 10.18.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [76] Chuck Berry, St Louis MO, rock ‘n roll pioneer (“Maybelline”, “Sweet Little 16″, “Johnny B Goode”, “Roll Over Beethoven”, but his biggest hit was the 1972 novelty song “My Ding-A-Ling”)/2000 Kennedy Center Honoree

1933 [69] Peter Boyle, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (Frank Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond”, Emmy Award-“The X-Files” [1993])/movie actor (“Monsters Ball”, “Dr Doolittle”, “Taxi Driver”)

1960 [42] Jean-Claude Van Damme (Van Varenberg) aka ‘The Muscles from Brussels’, Sint-Agatha Berchem BELG, action movie actor (“Double Team”, “Timecop”) whose career has pretty much tanked

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [71] John Le Carré (David John Moore Cornwell), Poole ENG, top-selling author ( “The Tailor of Panama”, “The Russia House”, “Little Drummer Girl”)

1945 [57] John Lithgow, Rochester NY, movie actor (“Shrek”, “A Civil Action”)/TV actor (3 Emmy Awards-“3rd Rock From the Sun” [1996-2001])  UP NEXT: “Shrek 2″

1960 [42] Dawn Coe-Jones, Campbell River BC, LPGA golfer

1969 [33] Trey Parker, Conifer CO, TV producer/writer (“South Park”, “That’s My Bush!”)/movie producer/director (“South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut”)

1970 [32] Chris Kattan, LA CA, TV comedian (“Saturday Night Live” since 1996)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Persons Day”, commemorating the anniversary of the 1929 ruling that declared women to be ‘persons’ in Canada (shouldn’t that be ‘people’?). Previously, under English common law, women were persons in matters of pains and penalties, but were not persons in matters of rights and privileges.

TODAY is “No Beard Day”, an observance likely started by somebody’s wife somewhere.

TODAY is “Alaska Day”, commemorating the formal transfer of Alaska from Russian to US control on this date in 1867 – one of the sneakiest real estate deals ever! The US paid $7.2 million, or less than 2 cents an acre. Nowadays, millions of dollars worth of oil is piped out of Alaska EVERY DAY.

TOMORROW is “Evaluate Your Life Day”, a time to ‘sit back and reflect on your contribution to humanity and see if you’re really heading toward where you want to be’. (Shouldn’t take long.)

TOMORROW-November 9 is the 1st-ever “Paws and Prints” exhibition at the Woodstock Art Gallery in Woodstock ON. The art show will raise money for the local animal shelter by selling art ‘prints’ made by recently adopted cats and kittens. How do you get a cat to create art? Put some paint on their paws and let them run around on the canvas! The paw paintings start at $25, including a photo and description of the ‘artist’.
PHONER: 519-539-6761

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 Opening ceremonies for Game 2 of Toronto Blue Jays/Atlanta Braves World Series cause a flap when US Marine Corps color guard marches onto field flying the Canadian flag upside-down

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1776 [226] 1st ‘cocktail’ served when the back of a NYC bar is decorated with bird tail feathers and a customer jokingly asks for ‘a glass of those cock tails’ (hmm, guess you had to be there)

1898 [104] Puerto Rico becomes a US colony (hey, thanks for Ricky Martin)

1954 [48] Comic strip ”Hi & Lois” 1st appears in newspapers, created by “Beetle Bailey” cartoonist Mort Walker (now a collaboration of Brian & Greg Walker and artist Chance Browne, it appears in more than 1,100 newspapers in 37 countries in 10 languages)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1989 [13] World’s ‘largest cake’ weighs in at 128,238 lbs (Fort Payne AL, celebrating its 100th birthday)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] National Brandied Fruit Day (booze with a pit)
[Mon] Babbling Day
[Mon] National Reptile Day
[Mon] Harvest Moon
[Mon] Canada Post symbol for NF becomes NL
This Week is – Forest Products Week / Canadian Citizenship Week (when terrorists are reminded to renew their Canadian passports)
This Month is – Disability Employment Awareness Month / Caramel Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
HOW YOU UNDRESS REVEALS YOUR PERSONALITY:

Psychiatrist Dr Frank Caprio gives the following breakdown –
• Haphazard Undresser – If you throw your clothes all over the house, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you.
• Meticulous Undresser – If you remove each piece of clothing and put it way carefully, you are a serious person who likes life very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life’s problems is to prevent them in the first place.
• Shoes & Socks First Undresser – You are a perfectionist, very shy, observant, dependable, intense, and thinks before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically and with concentration. You know how to pay attention.
• Slow Undresser – If you take off the shirt, and 10 minutes later get round to the pants, you are extremely self-confident, intellectual, a deep thinker, and doesn’t like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.
• Fast Undresser – If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you’re worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy.
• Jewelry Off First Undresser – If you take off your rings, watch, etc before anything else, you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive and romantic.
• Never the Same Way Undresser – If you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious, interesting person, and you enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure.
(Hey doc, you forgot the ‘Dancing Around a Chrome Pole Undresser’ – You long ago gave up your scruples for cash. You give off a rancid odor of sweat and heavy lilac perfume. You’re getting so sick of men that are pigs. )

BS ‘TECHNICOLOR TITLES’:
Each of the following movie titles contains a COLOR. Guess the movies from the clues –
• Chronologically it’s the first of a trilogy, but this currently-showing fright flick was released 3rd. [“Red Dragon”, prequel to “Silence of the Lambs” and “Hannibal”.]
• This 1986 movie was nominated for 11 Academy Awards and won absolutely none, leaving many to believe there was an anti-Steven Spielberg conspiracy. [“The Color Purple”]
• In this quirky David Lynch mystery, Dennis Hopper’s portrayal of ‘Frank Booth’ is considered one of the top movie bad guys off all-time. [“Blue Velvet”]
• Terrorists threaten the Super Bowl using a hi-tech dart-gun mounted on the Goodyear blimp in this 1977 thriller. [“Black Sunday”]
• In this drama, now in theaters, a teenager journeys through a series of foster homes after her mother goes to prison. [“White Oleandor”]
• In this ‘80s romantic comedy, Molly Ringwald plays a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who ends up with a rich high school hunk. [“Pretty in Pink”]
• This prison drama was nominated for the ‘Best Picture’ Oscar in 2000. [“The Green Mile”]
• In this new romance, a magazine editor and a hip-hop record executive fall in love. [“Brown Sugar”]

BS ‘DEAD OR ALIVE’:
Are the following authors stiff or still kickin’?
GAME #1 –
• Mordecai Richler [DEAD 7/3/2001]
• Peter Benchley [ ALIVE and 62, surviving “Jaws”]
• Theodore Geisel (Dr Seuss) [DEAD I AM 9/24/91]
• JD Salinger [ALIVE at 83, but in seclusion ever since “Catcher in the Rye”]
• Alex Haley [DEAD 2/10/92 after discovering his “Roots”]

GAME #2 –
• Margaret Atwood [ALIVE and 63 NEXT MONTH]
• Robert Ludlum [DEAD 3/12/2001 never to see his “Bourne Identity” on the bigscreen]
• John Le Carré [ALIVE and turning 71 TOMORROW]
• Carol Shields [ALIVE at 67, her novel “Unless” topped Canadian best-seller lists for months this year]
• Salman Rushdie [ALIVE and 55, despite a long-time bounty on his head]

USED USA:
• Louis L’Amour [ON BOOT HILL 6/10/88]
• James Michener [DEAD 10/16/97. Maybe one of his 2000-page epics fell on him?]
• Ray Bradbury [ALIVE at 82]

NOT USED:
• Arthur C Clarke [ALIVE and 84]
• Erma Bombeck [DEAD 4/22/96 which she likely found humorous in some way]
• Isaac Asimov [DEAD 4/6/92]

WHO SAID IT?
“Run for office? No. I’ve slept with too many women, I’ve done too many drugs, and I’ve been to too many parties.”
a) Arnold Schwarzenegger
b) George Clooney
c) Ozzy Osbourne
d) Sheila Copps
ANSWER: George Clooney.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: What household item has helped make women 7 times more likely to be on-time for work?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The shoe rack.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.


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