Tuesday, October 15, 2002                         Edition: #2399
I’m really thin. It’s just that radio makes me sound 10 lbs heavier.

Here we go again – due to a ‘conflict in his schedule’, the judge in the Winona Ryder shoplifting case is delaying TODAY’S scheduled start date for her trial but has ordered her to appear at a hearing THIS MORNING to discuss a new date (makes you wonder – what’s the statute of limitations on shoplifting anyway?) . . . TONIGHT “Will & Grace” star Debra Messing  hosts the “2002 VH1/Vogue Fashion Awards” live from NYC’s Radio City Music Hall and P Diddy will present the career achievement tribute to Ralph Lauren . . . The new book “DiMaggio, Setting the Record Straight” claims baseball legend Joe DiMaggio planned to remarry Marilyn Monroe just before her death and remained obsessed with her for the rest of his life . . . Oscar-winning blockbuster “Shrek” may be turned into a stage musical to open on Broadway in 2005 . . . Word is legendary rockers Led Zeppelin will re-group for a tour after splitting up 22 years ago, lured by the promise of $10 million apiece . . . Celine Dion’s lavish upcoming Las Vegas stage show “Muse” (opening in MARCH) has run into a snag – a threatened law suit from British thrash metal band Muse, who claim they legally own the US performing rights to the name (they’ve already turned down a $50,000 settlement).

Al Pacino & Hilary Swank play detectives investigating the murder of a teenage girl in a small Alaska town in the crime thriller “Insomnia” . . . Nicolas Cage stars in the war drama “Windtalkers”, the story of Navajo Marines who use their native language as an unbreakable radio cipher during WW2 . . . Angelina Jolie & Edward Burns star in the romantic comedy “Life or Something Like It”, about a reporter who tries to change her fate after a psychic homeless man tells her that her life has no meaning and is about to end . . . For collectors – David Niven plays an aging ‘Sir James Bond’ who comes out of retirement in the 1967 spy spoof “Casino Royale”, Norman Jewison’s 1966 anti-war comedy “The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming” comes to DVD, and “Law and Order” fans will be thrilled the entire 1st season (1990) is now out on disc (as if you can’t see reruns 29 times a day on TV).

Three Dog Bakery, a Kansas City restaurant for dogs, now has its own doggy cookbook which includes such specialities as ‘Scottie Scones’, ‘Corgi Crumpets’, ‘German Shepherds Pie’ and ‘Labrador Lasagna’. It features a full range of canine cuisine from ‘yappetizers’ like ‘Poochie Pleasin Pretzels’ to traditional main courses like turkey burgers and meatloaf. (If your dog can’t finish a whole meal, what does the restaurant put it in to take it home?)

Astronomers claim to have found a planet similar to Earth orbiting a star similar to the Sun. The biggest telescope on Earth – the James Clerk Maxwell Telescope in Hawaii – was used in
conjunction with cutting-edge camera technology at the Royal Observatory in Scotland to spot the planet orbiting one of the brightest stars in the sky, Fomalhaut. The British-led team says it’s the best evidence yet that planets which could support life are circling other stars in deep space.

A Japanese airline is taking the bold step of introducing seats for ‘women only’ on domestic flights to accommodate those who don’t wish to sit next to men. Skymark Airlines, which flies between Tokyo and Fukuoka, will reserve 10 seats for female passengers on a trial basis in response to a customer poll. Last year, one of Tokyo’s train companies introduced women-only cars on late-night trains.

New research suggests that chemicals used in sunscreen may be causing men to become – more feminine. The substances, which are said to act like female hormones, may be partly to blame for declining sperm counts and could even lead to men developing female characteristics such as breasts. (Or a strong desire to go shopping all the time.)

Japan’s top crayon-maker, Pentel, is changing the name of its ‘skin color’ crayon to ‘pale orange’. The change comes after complaints from consumer groups and teachers who said the ‘skin color’ crayon gave kids the wrong impression that all human skin was one color. (They had to make the same change in Edmonton with ‘frostbite blue’.)

A new study in Sweden has found that women with bigger bottoms are less likely to suffer from diabetes and heart disease than slimmer counterparts. The Goteborg University scientists
stress that this doesn’t mean women should try to pile on pounds, simply that skinny is not necessarily best. (Oh cool, a new answer for that unanswerable female question – “Yes, it does make your butt look big, but you’ll probably live longer!”)

A new department store survey finds that 22% of adult men rely on their partners, family or friends to choose what they wear. Surveyed men say the hardest clothing items to buy on their own are pants, shoes, and suits. The easiest? Underwear.

A new University of Maryland finds that people laugh at their own jokes up to 50% more than they laugh at other people’s. The study also reveals that the majority of those giggling over their own jokes are men – hoping to impress women. (Yeah, that always works.)

Two zookeepers in a small northwest German town have been suspended and put under police investigation for – eating the zoo animals. Suspicious zoo managers called police after several animals went missing. The keepers are suspected of slaughtering and barbecuing 5 Tibetan mountain chickens and 2 Cameroonian sheep. The missing animals were all from the children’s petting zoo. (Their families are complaining – it’s the third time this week they’ve had zebra.)


1942 [60] Penny Marshall, Bronx NY, film director (“Riding in Cars with Boys”, “The Preacher’s Wife”, “A League of Their Own”)/former TV actress (“Laverne & Shirley”)

1959 [43] Emeril Lagasse, Fall River MA, TV chef born to a Portuguese mother and a French-Canadian father (appears about 27 times a day on the Food Network-“Essence of Emeril”, “Emeril Live”)/restaurateur (owns restaurants in New Orleans, Las Vegas, Orlando)  QUOTE: “Bam!”

1959 [43] Sarah Ferguson (‘Fergie’), London ENG, Duchess of York/Prince Andrew’s ex-/Weight Watchers spokesperson/sometime newspaper columnist

1970 [32] Eric Benét (Jordan), Milwaukee WI, R&B singer (“Spend My Life With You”)/movie actor (“Glitter”)/the philandering Mr Halle Berry since 2001

1975 [27] Ginuwine (Elgin Baylor Lumpkin), Washington DC, R&B singer (“So Anxious”, “Pony”)

TODAY is “National Grouch Day”, a day to be grumpy, ungrateful and cantankerous, and a day to allow grouches everywhere time to spout off. (For the boss, just another day.)

TODAY is “World Poetry Day”, a good day to sample some ‘modern poetry’ by reading the inane lyrics to a hit song over a mushy violin background track. You can find dumb lyrics on CD liner notes or by clicking on to lyrics.com where you can search for lyrics to hundreds of tunes by artist.
NET: http://www.lyrics.com

TODAY is “My Mom is a Student Day”, when kids are to show support for moms who’ve gone back to school by giving gifts of school supplies. (They should also ask mom at least 27 times if she’s finished her homework.)

TODAY is “Election Day” in Iraq, when the Iraqi people will be voting for their president – literally. Saddam Hussein is the only candidate on the ballot and will automatically win another 7-year term. (You can tell the ones that don’t support him. They’re the ones saying, “Look ma, no hands!”)

THIS WEEK is “National Get Organized Week”. Oh wait, I’m sorry – that was last week.

1966 [36] 75-year-old man receives 10 traffic summonses when he drives on the wrong side of the road 4 times, commits 4 hit-and-runs and causes 6 accidents, all within 20 minutes (McKinney TX)

1981 [21] 1st ‘wave’ created in an American sports stadium by professional cheerleader George Henderson, aka ‘Krazy George’, at Oakland Coliseum

1953 [49] 1st televised ‘weather report’ (next day, 1st televised weather report is found to be wrong)

1968 [34] Réné Levesque is elected 1st leader of ‘Parti Québecois’, dedicated to bringing about Québec’s independence

1997 [05] 1st ‘land-based vehicle to break the sound barrier’ as British Royal Air Force pilot Andy Green drives a jet-powered car in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert faster than the speed of sound (a 2-way average speed of 763.035 mph or Mach 1.02)

1991 [11] ‘Tallest sand castle’ ever recorded (19.5 feet)

1993 [09] ‘Largest cookie’ measures 1,001 square feet and includes 3 million chocolate chips (Arcadia CA)

[Wed] Boss’s Day
[Wed] World Food Day
[Thurs] Gaudy Day
[Fri] Persons Day (Canada)
[Fri] No Beard Day
[Sat] Evaluate Your Life Day
This Week is – Teen Read Week / Kids Care Week
This Month is – National Pasta Month / Nation Pork Month


• Weight Watchers has assigned you a probation officer
• You look in the mirror and notice the word ‘Butterball’ stenciled on your ass.
• They had to get the Jaws of Life to remove you from the couch.
• Your cousin’s in the hospital with a concussion after your pants button flew off.
• When you’re not sweatin’ gravy, you’re fartin’ feathers.
• Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
• Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
• World’s fattest person sent you e-mail, warning you to back off!
• You’ve developed ‘Dunlap’s disease’ – your gut has dunlapped over your belt.

As defined by a poll of women, here’s some of the qualities an ideal hubby would have –
• He always realizes it’s a woman’s prerogative to spend as she wishes.
• Even if he thinks you’re wrong, he just THINKS it – doesn’t say it.
• He tells you that you look great, even when you don’t.
• He never says anything bad about your parents.
• He makes you feel like every day is your birthday.
• He remembers that your best friend is YOUR best friend, so if he needs to talk to someone about you he makes sure it’s his best friend.

Q: What would you have to do to win a ‘gurning’ contest?
a) Lift the heaviest pig.
b) Make the ugliest face.
c) Drink the most Metamucil?
A: Make the ugliest face.

Q: Horace Lee Logan has died at age 86. What is he famous for being the first to say?
a) ‘To boldly go where no one has gone before.’
b) ‘Elvis has left the building.’
c) ‘Do you want fries with that?’
A: He was first to announce ‘Elvis has left the building’ on the country music program “Louisiana Hayride”.

Q: According to a new survey, what would most adults want if they were stranded on a desert island?
a) TV
b) Telephone
c) Internet
A: 69% would want the Internet, 23% a telephone, 8% a TV.

Just one of these tabloid headlines is fake. Pick it and win!
1. “Tell Your Future In a Pizza!”
2. “Veterinarian Says Cats Know What We’re Saying But Are Ignoring Us!” (BS)
3. “First-Ever Beauty Contest – For the Dead!”

Forget about bulging biceps. Who has the boniest rib cage, the skinniest chest, the most impressive pair of knock-knees? Take entries or nominations on-air and/or at your Website, then throw a big bar bash where celeb judges choose your local ‘Mr Puniverse’.

Today’s Question: Women say this is the #1 reason you should cut a date with a guy short.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: He has a tan line on his ring finger.

I believe in making the world safe for our children but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

Printer Friendly Version