Wednesday, October 9, 2002                       Edition: #2395
Welcome to the show, or as it’s known in French – Le Fiasco du Jour!

TODAY in San Antonio TX WWE wrestler ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin is scheduled to appear in court on that charge of beating his wife in JUNE . . . TONIGHT contortionists David  Friend & Simon Morley are guests on the ”Tonight Show”, the creators of the wildly popular stage show “Puppetry of the Penis” in which they do impressions with their, er…johnsons (they’ll only be TALKING to Jay, not performing – one twisted prick on a show is enough) . . . The video for Shania Twain’s first single in 3 years, “I’m Gonna Getcha Good”, will feature her battling aliens – while wearing skintight leathers, of course . . . A controversial Argentinean reality TV show that pits unemployed people against each other for jobs may soon be adapted for TV around-the-world (it’s called ‘Life’) . . . “Sweet Home Alabama” star Reese Witherspoon has a cast on her left foot but neither she nor her people are saying anything about what happened . . . Some spineless country stations are refusing to play the new Tim McGraw song containing the lyrics “we decided not to have a child”, worrying it will upset Right to Lifers (The Dixie Chicks song about killing ‘Earl’ is apparently still OK) . . . Jennifer Lopez shocked the hell out of staff at a recent photo-shoot for “Vanity Fair”, acting perfectly happy with the room she was given for make-up, signing autographs willingly, and mingling with reporters and hoi polloi – sans entourage (could it be that Ben has satiated the cause of her famous tantrums?) . . . And we warned you – the novelty tune “The Ketchup Song” by Las Ketchup which has swept through Europe topping pop charts in every country is now on the brink of hitting #1 in the UK – look out, here it comes!

Air Force Major-General Perry Smith gives us a clue to what the heck some of that gobbledy-gook the US military speaks actually means in his new book “Assignment Pentagon: How to Excel in a Bureaucracy”. How long before these terms show up on “The West Wing”?
• ‘Elevator speech’ – A short, 2- or 3-minute briefing.
• ‘Pearl Harbor file’ – A thorough record kept to protect oneself from blame when disaster strikes.
• ‘Horseholder’ – Executive assistant.
• ‘Don’t break my rice bowl’ – Stay out of my business.
• ‘Sprinkle holy water’ – Give approval.

Who’s most stressed – government leaders? soldiers? neurosurgeons? cops? Naw, according to a new survey by General Nutrition, the most likely to suffer excess stress are – under-25 females who don’t have a high school diploma and earn less than $25,000 a year. (Hey it could be worse – you could be pregnant and not know who the father is. Oh, really? Sorry.)

For years, fundamentalists have been decrying JK Rowling’s ‘Harry Potter’ books as the work of the devil, leading our children down the garden path toward Satan worship. But in her new book, ”The Gospel According to Harry Potter”, author Connie Neal argues that the exact opposite is true – the boy wiz’s adventures are actually full of Christian imagery and good morals. (She made the discovery when she actually READ a ‘Harry Potter’ book.)

• San Francisco’s most celebrated professional drunk has just been arrested for the 128TH TIME. Paul Sanchez has also had 50 emergency ambulance trips to hospitals so far THIS YEAR – at $1,000 a pop. (This is shocking! How can they charge that much?)
• Iranian police have arrested 120 party-goers at 3 private bashes in the wealthy area of Tehran and charged them all with – ‘mingling with the opposite sex’. (As any good Baptist will tell you – that could lead to dancing!)
• Preliminary matches were held over the weekend for the 1st-ever “Homeless World Cup”. Teams of transients from Brazil, Italy, Spain and other countries will compete in the odd soccer tournament to be held in Graz, Austria next JULY.

A group of 937 yodelers has set a new world record for the ‘largest simultaneous yodel’ by holding their tune for a full minute at the Ravensburger Amusement Park in the southern German town of Meckenbeuren. (It also set a record for the ‘quickest mass exodus from an amusement park’.)


1923 [79] Fyvush Finkel, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (Principal Harvey Lipschultz-“Boston Public”, Emmy Award-“Picket Fences”)  FACTOID: Fyvush is Yiddish for Phillip, a name he used in school.

1938 [64] Russell Myers, Pittsburg KS, comic strip cartoonist (“Broom Hilda”)

1940 [D-1980] John Lennon, Liverpool ENG, legendary rock star (can you “Imagine” him at 62 years-old?)

1944 [D-2002] John Entwistle (‘Ox’), London ENG, rock bass player who died 6/27/02, the day before The Who embarked on their current tour (The Who-“Who Are You?”, “Won’t Get Fooled Again”)

1948 [54] Jackson Browne, Heidelberg GER, classic rock musician (“Running On Empty”, “Stay”)

1952 [50] Sharon Osbourne (Arden), London ENG, rock star manager/TV personality (“The Osbournes”) who’s battling cancer/Mrs Ozzy Osbourne since 1982 (Ozzy told “People” they plan to renew their marriage vows for her 50th birthday)/mother of Kelly, Jack & Aimee

1953 [49] Tony Shalhoub, Green Bay WI, TV actor (Adrian Monk-“Monk”)

1954 [48] Scott Bakula, St Louis MO, TV actor (Captain Jonathan Archer-“Star Trek: Enterprise”)

[UN] “World Post Day”

TODAY “Royal Visit 2002″ continues with the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh leaving Winnipeg and travelling to Toronto, where they’ll stay in the ROYAL Suite at the ROYAL York (where else?) and visit the National Trade Centre at Exhibition Place. (Total cost to Canadian taxpayers so far for her nibs to celebrate her own Golden Jubilee, about $2,978,245.68 – and counting.)

THIS WEEK the 5th “World Masters Games” are competing through SUNDAY in Melbourne, Australia. The competition for mature athletes was first held in Toronto in 1985. 99-year-old sprinter Charles Booth carried the torch at the opening ceremony. Other athletes include former 400 meter world record holder Mike Johnston who’s now 81, and 90-year-old weightlifter Vladimir Younger. The event has attracted some 20,000 competitors from 97 countries.

• Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
• Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
• Simon Says Something Incoherent
• Hide and Go Pee
• Kick the Bucket
• Musical Recliners
• Sag, You’re It!

TODAY is “Leif Erikson Day” in Norway and Iceland, commemorating the Viking explorer’s discovery of North America (‘Vinland’) circa 1000 AD – almost 500 years BEFORE Columbus!

TODAY is the UN’s “International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction”. Disasters affect about 300 million people each year. (What the heck do we do to ‘reduce’ volcanos, hurricanes and earthquakes?)

TODAY is “International Alan Day”, celebrating anyone with the name ‘Alan’, ‘Allan’, ‘Alannis’, Al, ‘Allen’ or anything vaguely in the area.

THIS WEEK is “National Pet Peeve Week”, a good time to vent some of yours and let listeners air out theirs. How about ‘commercial-free music sweeps’ that are constantly interrupted by splitters telling us we’re listening to – a commercial-free music sweep? It’s not just the ads that grate, it’s the hype! Even worse – a long promo identifying the tunes coming up, often with music clips, which is then followed by 5 minutes of spots. Bye, I’ve already hit the ‘seek’ button!

2001 Anthrax-laced letters are mailed from New Jersey to the offices of 3 US congressmen in Washington DC

1872 [130] 1st ‘mail order catalogue’ (1 page, published by Aaron Montgomery)

1946 [56] 1st ‘electric blanket’ (Simmons Co charges $39.50)

1986 [16] ‘FOX’ TV network debuts (“The Late Show”, starring Joan Rivers)

1960 [42] Dallas Cowboy QB Eddie LeBaron throws NFL’s ‘shortest touchdown pass’ – 2 inches

1996 [06] World’s ‘largest grilled cheese sandwich’ (a 3,000-lb monster made by Kraft Foods)

[Thurs] National Dessert Day
[Fri] National Coming Out Day
[Fri] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Fri] Emergency Room Nurses Day
[Sat] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Mon] Canadian Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
[Mon] Be Bald & Be Free Day
This Week is – Squirrel Awareness Week / Adult Immunization Awareness Week
This Month is – National Sarcastic Month / National Seafood Month


• As children, our cribs were painted with bright-colored, lead-based paint which we chewed.
• We rode in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
• Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was a special treat, not a danger.
• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, no special locks on cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
• We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle.
• Some students weren’t as smart as others so they failed a year and were held back to repeat the same grade.
• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. During that time, no one was able to reach us.

Just like on TV, instruct your contestants to answer in the form of a question. Of course, they can never get them right – it’s just an excuse for you to do the zinger!
GAME #1 –
• The answer is ‘Hickory Dickory Dock’. [The correct question is ‘Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?’]
• De-frost. [On a really cold morning, what forms on de-grass?]
• Igloo. [What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?]
• Rub-a-dub-dub. [What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?]
• Bambi, Wimbledon and the new TV season. [Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.]

GAME #2 –
• Rosy red cheeks. [What do you get when you squat on a wood stove?]
• Peter Pan. [What do you use to fry a peter?]
• Milk and honey. [What do you get from a bee that has an udder?]
• Gatorade. [What does an alligator on welfare get?]
• Big Ben, Brent Favre and George Bush’s excuses for starting a war in Iraq. [Name a clock, a jock and a crock.]
Use the ‘thinking theme’ from the show, available here –

Today’s Question: 53% of Canadians agree that THIS is the body part that shows the most visible signs of aging.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Hands.

Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office!

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