Tuesday, October 1, 2002        Edition: #2389
I really like my new goldfish. And just think, they’re less than 10 calories!

TODAY is the official release of the Rolling Stones’ new 40-track, 2-CD greatest hits compilation “Forty Licks” (being hawked all over TV with a toll-free order number) . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger has asked his hometown of Graz, Austria NOT to build a 25-meter (82-foot) metal statue of him holding a giant globe over his head, saying the money would be better spent on charitable projects (makes you wonder, was the design ‘anatomically correct’?) . . . Phil Collins has announced he’s giving up touring (this is shocking, he was still touring?) . . . Madonna is said to be close to signing to appear for a limited time in NOVEMBER in a so-far unnamed Broadway show that involves ballet dancing (or belly dancing or some damn thing) . . . Word is Britney Spears will play a stripper in her next movie and is currently spending time ‘researching’ the role (we’re amazed she even HAS a ‘next movie’) . . . Meantime, her little sister Jamie Lynn Spears is about to be all over the tube in ads for new ‘karaoke headphones’ that come complete with a headphone mike like her big sis’ uses on stage . . . And Matt Damon has reportedly advised best bud Ben Affleck NOT to have Jennifer Lopez’s name tattooed somewhere on his body, pointing out that nothing lasts forever (and a tat lasts a helluva lot longer than most show biz relationships).

The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) stars in the action adventure “The Scorpion King” as a desert warrior who rises up against the evil army that is destroying his homeland . . . The Chevalier de
Fronsac and his Native-American friend ‘Mani’ are sent to investigate the killing of hundreds of people by a mysterious beast in 19th-century France in the no-name horror thriller “The Brotherhood of the Wolf” . . . And there are new DVD versions of the Clint Eastwood films “Firefox” (1982), “Heartbreak Ridge” (1986) & “A Perfect World” (1993), the 1934 crime comedy “The Thin Man”, and the 1940 Jimmy Stewart romantic comedy “The Shop Around the Corner” (the original version of “You’ve Got Mail”).

Researchers at Boston’s Forsyth Institute have managed to grow living pig teeth in rats, a feat of biotechnology that may revolutionize dentistry. How so? The successful experiment suggests the existence of dental stem cells, which could one day allow a person to replace a lost tooth with an identical one grown from his or her own cells. The researchers hope that it will be possible to regenerate human teeth within 10 years! (Hmm, time to talk junior out of being a dentist.)

Alien abduction seems to be a pleasant experience says Simon Fraser University anthropologist Krista Henriksen. Her study of 60 people who claim to have been abducted suggests that aliens are quite hospitable, assuring their prey that they are special and have been chosen for a purpose. According to the abductees, extraterrestrials most often bring messages of goodwill. Although Henriksen admits it’s unlikely aliens have ever abducted anyone, she says it’s important to study the phenomenon. (In order to keep the old grant money flowing.)

In a new survey by the Food Marketing Institute, about 85% of respondents say they ate home-cooked meals 3 or more times per week in the past year, compared with 74% just a year earlier. Why? Several factors – a downturn in the economy and worries over personal safety among them.

Does your medical plan cover this? The British National Health Service is now providing vibrators and other sex toys to women with ‘sexual dysfunctions’ – even if they are as minor as ‘a general lack of desire’.

A group of German scientists is predicting that natural blondes will likely cease to exist within 200 years. Why? A couple of reasons – blondness is apparently a recessive genetic trait that’s slowly petering out, and men tend to prefer bottle blondes anyway so fewer and fewer women possess a natural blond color.

An international court in Geneva has refused to rescind the UN ban on ‘dwarf tossing’ after a dwarf stuntman argued that the court ban is discriminatory and deprives him of a making a living being tossed for money. The court says the ban is needed to protect human dignity. (Not to mention his teeny little noggin.)

• ‘The Mouse Rug’ – Enhance your desk decor with a computer mouse pad that resembles a tiny Persian carpet, complete with ‘authentic fringe’. Pick from ‘Country Heritage’, ‘Maroon Bokhara’ or ‘Jade Fars’ for only $18.95 each! (Or for $1895, get a giant rubber mouse pad that’s large enough to carpet your entire living room!)
• ‘My Pretty Nose Hair’ – Everybody has fond memories of sitting on grandpa’s lap and lovingly braiding his nose hair, right? Finally, that fun can be yours anytime you wish with this large plastic stick-on nose featuring thick shocks of curly hair hanging out of the nostrils. (Stick-on boogers extra.)
• ‘Biker Chick Doll’ – With this little piggy babe, the only accessories you need are a bottle of tequila and a Harley hog! Standing 11 inches tall, the Biker Chick Doll comes complete with leathers, belt, chain and rose tattoo for only $14.95. (And responds to any romantic command like, “Wanna?”)

The upcoming 49th edition of the “Guinness Book of World Records” will feature several new benchmarks including –
• Most Pierced Woman – Elaine Davidson of Edinburgh, Scotland who has spent 5 years gathering 720 piercings all over her body. Her stomach, breasts, hands, ears, forehead, eyebrows, chin, nose & tongue have all been holed.
• Oldest Vomit – Academics uncovered puke dating back 160 million years to the time of the dinosaurs in Peterborough, England.
• Snake Biting – American Jackie Bibby simultaneously held 8 rattlesnakes by their tails – in his mouth.
• Maggot Bathing – The UK’s Christine Martin spent 90 minutes bathing in 10 gallons of maggots.
• Spaghetti Snorting – Kevin Cole of the US launched a spaghetti strand 19 cm (8 inches) by blowing it from his nostril.

1. Madonna
2. Kylie Minogue (huh?)
3. Celine Dion
4. Whitney Houston
5. Aretha Franklin
Source: VH1 poll of 750,000 people (who have obviously never heard of Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, Rosemary Clooney, Barbra Streisand, or for that matter, Dusty Springfield, Dionne Warwick or Ronnie Spector. And what about Boy George?)


1930 [72] Richard Harris, Limerick IRE, movie actor (Headmaster Albus Dumbledore in “Harry Potter“series, “Gladiator”, “Patriot Games”)

1935 [67] [Dame] Julie Andrews (Wells), Walton-on-Thames ENG, Broadway actress (“Victor/Victoria”, “My Fair Lady”)/movie actress (“The Princess Diaries”, “Mary Poppins”, “The Sound of Music”)/2001 Kennedy Center Honoree  FACTOID: Her 2000 malpractice suit against 2 NYC doctors who allegedly botched her throat surgery was reportedly settled for some $30 million

1950 [52] Randy Quaid, Houston TX, TV actor (Mike Grubb on the new FOX-TV sitcom “The Grubbs”)/movie actor (“Independence Day”, “Vacation” series)/actor Dennis Quaid’s brother

1952 [50] Vladimir Putin, St Petersburg RUS, President of Russia

1962 [40] Esai Morales, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (Lt Tony Rodriguez-“NYPD Blue”)

1963 [39] Mark McGwire, Pomona CA, MLB slugger (St Louis Cardinals) who briefly held the MLB single-season homer record with 70 HR (1998)

[China] “National Day” (1949)

OCTOBER actually means ‘eighth month’ but it has been the 10th month since New Year’s Day was moved from March to January. At other times in history October has been called Germanicus, Herculeus, and Faustinus.

TODAY is “Homemade Cookie Day”. We don’t care who came up with it or why or how. The only question we have is – where are they? Hand ‘em over!!!!

TODAY is the 25th annual “World Vegetarian Day”, established to bring awareness to the benefits of the vegetarian lifestyle. (When’s ‘World Carnivore Day’?)

TODAY is “United Nations Day of Older Persons”. The Governor General’s office sends out over 1,000 birthday greetings annually to Canadians celebrating birthdays of 100 or more years.

1888 [114] 1st issue of “National Geographic” magazine

1903 [99] 1st MLB ‘World Series’ (Pittsburgh Nationals & Boston Americans)

1961 [41] 1st telecast by CTV network (back when Lloyd Robertson was only 72)

1962 [40] Johnny Carson hosts NBC’s “Tonight Show” for the 1st time

1971 [31] ‘Disney World’ 1st opens in Orlando FL

1988 [14] Canada’s 1st Olympic boxing gold in 56 years (Lennox Lewis-Seoul KOR)

[Wed] Name Your Car Day
[Wed] World Farm Animal Day
[Wed] Custodial Workers Day
[Fri] National Denim Day
[Sat] National Techies Day
[Sun] International Frugal Fun Day
This Week is – Bank Teller Appreciation Week / Customer Service Week
This Month is – Family History Month / National Clock Month


• She stuffs gum in your mouth every time you breathe on her.
• She quickly says goodnight and gives an excuse about getting up early in the morning.
• She avoids your mouth and goes for other parts – cheek, neck, hand.
• She never initiates kissing.
• She yawns in your face each time you approach her for an embrace.
• She decides you should just be friends after the first kiss.
• She slipped you the tongue once, but never again.
• You see her kissing someone else. (Well duh!)
Source: AskMen.com

Here are some of our favorite 2-word oxymorons. Ask listeners to contribute more.
• Working Vacation
• Fun Run
• Athletic Scholarship
• Business Ethics
• Casual Intimacy
• Fresh Frozen
• Accordion Music
• Tax Return
• Unbiased Opinion
• Act Naturally
• Happily Married
• Holy War
• Industrial Park
• Jumbo Shrimp
• Peace Force
• Resident Alien
• Sanitary Landfill
• Virtual Reality
• Genuine Imitation

Q: You are suffering from ‘taresthesia’. What’s the problem?
a) Your foot is asleep.
b) Your lungs are completely black.
c) You can’t stop hiccuping.
A: Your foot is asleep.
Q: You’ve been asked to come up with an ‘epithalamium’. What is it?
a) A sample of all your body fluids.
b) A poem to celebrate a wedding.
c) An original epitaph for a tombstone.
A: A poem written to celebrate a wedding.

Today’s Question: 60% of parents admit they did this with their babies.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Named them after close relatives.

If you have half a mind to do something, it’s always likely wise to check with the other half before acting.

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