Thursday, October 11, 2001        Edition: #2151
Get Ready for Another Sheet Kickin’!

TONIGHT is the debut of “Survivor: Africa”, set in Kenya’s Shaba Wildlife Reserve. Are you up for this the 3rd time around or is the concept wearing a little thin? At the risk of spoiling all the excitement, here’s some . . .
BS HIGHLIGHTS OF EPISODE 1:
• Opening pan shot of ‘African wilderness’ reveals what appears to be the San Diego Freeway in the background.
• The women band together to form the all-female ‘Koochi Koochi Tribe’.
• Distraught contestant Kelly screams, “This was a mistake coming here, we’re all gonna die!” — an hour into day 1.
• After drawing straws, loser Lex is assigned the daily routine of scrubbing down the old guy.
• After making a deal with local poachers, Jessie invents the ivory dildo.
• Contestants discover that compared to Asian or Australian rat, African rat tastes a lot more like chicken.
• Host Jeff Probst asks unsuspecting Lindsey to participate in a ‘reward challenge’ in a Jacuzzi, then sends the camera crew packing.
• As show returns from a commercial break, contestants are filmed secretly watching “Friends”.
• Special cameo guest appearance by ‘Wilson’ the volleyball.
• First contestant is kicked off for slipping beef jerky — to another.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“The Mummy Returns” is an even bigger hit at video stores than in theaters, scaring up a record $90 million in sales and rentals in its first week on VHS/DVD, compared to its first-week bigscreen gross of $68 million . . . Leonardo DiCaprio (“Titanic” and, most recently, “Titanic”) originally agreed to take a percentage of profits from the upcoming Martin Scorsese film “Gangs of New York”, but now says it’s a flop and he wants his cash up front (hmm, this week the movie’s opening was postponed until NEXT YEAR due to ‘sensitivity’, but maybe this explains the real reason) . . . Madonna would be the mother of 13 children if she hadn’t had 11 abortions, according to Barbara Victor’s unauthorized biography “Goddess”, coming out NEXT MONTH (wow, the Lakers’ and Knicks’ starters, AND a lucky sub!) . . . And Gwyneth Paltrow tells the new issue of “Harper’s Bazaar”: “I love men, even though they’re lyin’, cheatin’ scumbags. I’m a very sexual person. I’m lucky if I get past 6 weeks [in a relationship] (can you say ‘tramp’?).

MOVIES IN THE MAKIN’:
Ben Stiller is now officially on board for the long-talked-about movie version of the ’70s TV cop series “Starsky and Hutch” (wonder which actor will get to add ‘Huggy Bear’ to their résumé?) . . . Michael Caine is in talks to appear in “Austin Powers 3: Goldmember” as a security specialist with Britain’s Royal Navy (why would an Oscar-winner even consider appearing in this fluff?) . . . Ben Affleck is lined up to star in “Daredevil”, based on the Marvel Comics superhero who’s a blind lawyer and martial artist-turned-crime-fighting vigilante, shooting NEXT YEAR in Vancouver (gee Ben, the job offers getting a little thin since rehab and “Pearl Harbor”?).

PUT HER BACK ON THE RACK:
A contestant for ‘Miss France’ has been disqualified after having her spine stretched in order to appear taller. Organizers say the extra 3.8 centimeters gave Aurelie Brun an unfair advantage and is against the rules. Since being disqualified, she’s reportedly shrunk back to her normal size, and is no longer tall enough to take part. (Proving once again, size is temporary.)

BIG BUCK BASEBALL:
Happen to watch San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds slam his record 73rd home run SUNDAY? And did you notice the near-riot that broke out as fans clamored to retrieve the ball? Fan Alex Popov claims he’s the one who actually caught it in his baseball glove, but another fan, Patrick Hayashi, subsequently pried it loose and stole it. Popov is now threatening to sue, using videotape as his proof. Why the big ta-do? Mark McGwire’s previous record-setting home run ball from 1998 was sold for over $3 million!

CLIMAX BY INTEL:
By the year 2020, scientists think they will be able to install an ‘orgasm chip’ in the human brain. (The procedure will only take a few minutes for men, but much, much longer for women . . . if at all.)

BIN LADEN WAD:
A Detroit company is selling toilet paper decorated with caricatures of Osama bin Laden. Marketing company ‘America Wins’ claims “We’re letting Americans get their crack at Osama.”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• To protest US attacks in Afghanistan, 59-year-old Ukrainian Angelina Atroshenko has performed what may be a record 2,060 knee bends in 93 minutes. She says her stunt was to PREVENT A 3RD WORLD WAR. (Yeah, that’ll do it.)
• 10 to 15 Burger King marketing department employees have suffered 1st- and 2nd-degree burns to their feet after being asked to WALK OVER HOT COALS as part of a ‘corporate bonding experience’ in Key Largo FL. (The result is said to resemble the flavor of the ‘Whopper’, but with a crunchier texture.)

WACKY WARNINGS:
Here are the winners of the 4th annual “Wacky Warning Label Contest” sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch . . .
• On shin guards for bicyclists: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
• On a jet ski: “Warning! Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft.”
• On a router made for woodworking: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”
• In a sports facility washroom: “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”

IF WE COULD TALK TO THE ANIMALS:
According to a Gallup Poll, 97% of pet owners talk to their pets when they’re alone with them. 34% say they speak with them ‘all the time’, 34% ‘most of the time’, and 24% ‘occasionally’. (What’s scary is 48% take their advice!)

IT AIN’T FAIR:
Not only do bullies push others around to get their way, a new study suggests they are healthier than the weaklings they beat on. According to the journal “Archives of Disease in Childhood”, British researchers found that bullies suffer from less nausea and far fewer colds, coughs and other physical ailments than the children they terrorize. (A related study finds they are not, however, immune to a 2-by-4 upside the head.)

THE BULL SHEET 10.11.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [76] Elmore Leonard, New Orleans LA, best-selling novelist whose books get made into movies (“Out of Sight”, “Jackie Brown”, “Get Shorty”)  QUOTE: “I try to leave out the parts readers skip.”

1949 [52] Daryl Hall (Hohl), Pottstown PA, oldies singer (Hall & Oates-“Out of Touch”, “Maneater”)

1962 [39] Joan Cusack, Evanston IL, TV sitcom actress (“What About Joan?”)/movie actress (“Where the Heart Is”, “Runaway Bride”)/actor John Cusack’s sister

1966 [35] Luke Perry, Mansfield OH, TV actor (Rev Jeremiah Cloutier-“Oz”, ex-“Beverly Hills 90210″)  NOTE: Will star in the sci-fi TV series “Jeremiah”, coming NEXT YEAR

1968 [33] Jane Krakowski, Parsippany NJ, TV actress (Ally’s assistant Elaine Vassal-“Ally McBeal”)

1985 [16] Michelle Trachtenberg, NYC, TV actress (Buffy’s little sister Dawn Summers-”Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Coming Out Day”, a day to ‘announce your sexuality and be proud of it’ (well OK, but I thought it was better to keep the thing with the chickens quiet). However, due to the 9/11 attacks, the Human Rights Campaign’s National Coming Out Project will not be holding any major events this year (Rev Jerry Fallwell will be thrilled!).

ON THIS DAY . . .
1975 [26] Bill & Hillary Clinton wed in Fayetteville, Arkansas (it’s their ‘Plywood Anniversary’!)

1997 [04] Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind 1997″ debuts at #1 on pop singles charts

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1919 [82] 1st ‘in-flight meals’ on airplane (box lunches)

1952 [49] 1st televised hockey game in Canada (Detroit at Montréal)

1975 [26] 1st edition of “Saturday Night Live” on NBC-TV is hosted by George Carlin

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1957 [44] Beverly Avery of Los Angeles obtains world record 16th divorce

1972 [29] Australian Michael Gallen devours record 63 bananas in 10 minutes

1987 [14] World’s largest pizza (94,248 slices)

1992 [09] Deion Sanders plays pro football AND pro baseball on the same day (Atlanta Falcons/Atlanta Braves)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Sun] National Dessert Day
[Tues] Dictionary Day
National School Lunch Week (what’s the weirdest thing you ever put in your kid’s?)
Depression Education & Awareness Month (World Health Organization estimates that about 120 million people suffer from depression worldwide)
Communicate With Your Kid Month (and good luck to ya!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
DEAD OR ALIVE:

Give a list of celebrity names one by one and have phone contestant decide if they’re dead or alive. Make them score 7 out of 10 to win. The ‘Who’s Alive & Who’s Dead’ Website gives celeb lists in a variety of categories from actors to politicians to country, pop & rock artists. For instance, are the following fashion designers dead or alive?
• Giorgio Armani (alive — 67-years-old)
• Halston (died in 1990)
• Bill Blass (alive — 79)
• Gianni Versace (murdered in 1997)
• Pierre Cardin (alive — 79)
• Yves Saint Laurent (alive — 65)
• Bob Mackie (alive — 61)
• Perry Ellis (died in 1986)
• Calvin Klein (alive — 58)
• Liz Claiborne (alive — 72)
NET: http://www.whosaliveandwhosdead.com

BS TRIVIA:
Q: According to a Random House specialty dictionary, there are at least 10 euphemisms for the ‘F’-word. Name any 5.
A: Ferk, flak, forget, fork, fouled up, frap, freaking, fricking, frig, futz, and motorcycle (huh?).

BS TAG LINE:
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.


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