October 5, 2000                                                 Edition:  #1904

THE BS THANKSGIVING ‘TO-DO’ LIST:
• Go to supermarket, try to fit 3 frozen turkeys in pants.
• Take Martha Stewart’s advice – organize spice rack alphabetically by genus and phylum.
• To give turkey delicious smoky flavor, leave in garage 4 days with car running.
• Buy fake severed finger to put in stuffing — a sure laugh-getter.
• Boil down bag of cranberries to make sauce which will stay untouched in the refrigerator until July.
• Hook up tubing for gravy I-V.
• Check mother-in-law’s plane reservations. Give thanks for round-trip tickets.
• Decide how to dress turkey – Tommy Hilfiger or Ralph Lauren?.
• Practice Heimlich maneuver.
• Be prepared – unbuckle pants now.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is Ted Turner is looking to dump his money-losing World Championship Wrestling . . . She’s been accused of using actors in her TV audience, now the buzz is Dr Laura Schlessinger disguised a staff member as a guest . . . Yoko Ono has announced she’ll auction John Lennon’s famous white “Imagine” piano, which is expected to fetch around $2.2 million . . . “Entertainment Tonight” reports Ellen DeGeneres has already found someone to take the place of estranged partner Anne Heche (could it be Melissa Etheridge?).

MOVIES BEING MADE:
Harrison Ford will play the Russian captain of a doomed submarine in the upcoming thriller “K-19″ (sound vaguely familiar?) . . . Now that the “Dieter” debacle is behind him, Mike Myers is working on a new comedy based on “The Adventures Of Sandee The Supermodel”, a comic book written by fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi . . . Sarah Jessica Parker will play a woman who falls in love with the hitman hired to kill her boyfriend in the romantic comedy “Life Without Dick” (sounds like an episode from her series “Sex and the City”).

FINALLY, A USE FOR BULGARIAN WINES:
Researchers claim they have found a substance in red wine that stops the disease herpes in its tracks. The surprising news is that you don’t drink it — you rub it on. (And rub it on, and on, and on, and on – oh sorry.)

PAIRS OF GENES:
• Using genetic engineering, doctors in Minneapolis have produced a test-tube baby with spare cells needed to save the life of his 6-year-old sister, who suffers from bone marrow disease. The ‘parts baby’ was quietly born back in August. (Great news! Maybe there’s hope for [your co-host] getting some brain cells!)
• Scientists at Texas A&M University believe they’ll soon be able to clone your dog. Their new commercial venture called ‘Genetic Savings & Clone’ charges $895 to keep your pooch’s DNA in the gene bank – just in case it gets run over by a truck. The feline branch of the service is called ‘Copycat’. (That’s no BS!)

SEXCAVATION:
Archaeologist Tim Kaiser of the Royal Ontario Museum has found a phallic-shaped stalagmite (stalagmites go up, stalactites hang down) in a Croatian cave that appears to have been the focus of an ancient fertility cult. (Engraved on the side are the words, ‘Batteries not included’.)

THE BULL SHEET 10.05.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1922    [78] Bil Keane, Philadelphia PA, comic strip cartoonist (“Family Circus”)
1965     [35] Mario Lemieux, Montreal PQ, NHL team owner/former NHL star (Pittsburgh Penguins)
1965     [35] Patrick Roy, Quebec City PQ, NHL goalie (Colorado Avalanche, ex-Montreal Canadiens)
1972    [28] Grant Hill, Dallas TX, All-Star NBA player (Detroit Pistons)
1975    [25] Kate Winslet, Reading ENG, movie actress (“Titanic”, “Sense and Sensibility”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
THIS WEEK is “National Work From Home Week”. We often hear about the advantages of homework, but what about the downside? Ask listeners who work at home to share problems they’ve encountered – having your 4-year-old delete all your computer files, being caught in your bathrobe when a courier shows up at the door, the dog barking during an important phone call, etc.

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    Savage Garden releases hit single “I Knew I Loved You”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1982    [18] 1st Canadian to conquer Mt Everest (Calgary’s Laurie Skreslet)
1984     [16] 1st Canadian in space (Marc Garneau, aboard shuttle “Challenger”)
1985     [15] 1st AL East title for Toronto Blue Jays

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Come and Take it Day
[Mon] John Lennon’s 60th Birth Anniversary (1940)
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
No Salt Week (next week is ‘Pound Salt Week’)
Gay and Lesbian History Month (read up on the history of Queen George)

BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS PARENTS’ DICTIONARY:

• AMNESIA . . . The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to do it again.
• FAMILY PLANNING . . . The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• GRANDPARENTS . . . People who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
• HEARSAY . . . What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• SHOWOFF . . . A child who is more talented than yours.
• TOP BUNK . . . Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TRUTH OR BS?
• During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 lbs of food. (T. Much of it this coming weekend)
• A new TV special will attempt to find “America’s Sexiest Dog”. (BS, but FOX is likely looking at it.)
• The bowlegs of England’s Queen Anne inspired a furniture style? (T)
• In Brazil, large breasts are seen as a low-class libido killer. (T. The reason breast reduction surgery is very popular there.)
• The yo-yo was originally developed as a magic trick. (BS. It was a weapon in the Philippines.)
• The University of Calgary offers a 2-day course in igloo building. (T)

BS TAG LINE:
Some people believe anything if you whisper it.


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