Wednesday, October 8, 2008                 Edition: #3874
Get Your BS Here, Hot ‘N Fresh!

Word has it Kim Kardashian may return to “Dancing With the Stars” now that Misty May-Treanor is out with an Achilles tendon injury (we say bring in her partner Kerri Walsh!) . . . 48-year-old “Californication” actor David Duchovny has left rehab after ‘successfully’ completing treatment for sex addiction and will soon begin work on his new movie (“Debbie Does Duchovny”) . . . EMI Music Publishing has announced it’s licensing lyrics from its classic song catalogue to be used on a Tu Clothing fashion line because music is ‘part of the fabric’ of our lives (“Dancing In the Street” Ts, “ Wild Thing” sweats, “My Girl” underwear, etc) . . . In a new interview with “Elle” magazine, Nicole Kidman says she believes Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes share the same kind of ‘profound love’ she has with Keith Urban (BS translation: They also had to go the artificial insemination route) . . . “Girls Next Door” star Holly Madison says she’ll appear in the new season of the E! network reality show but confirms she & “Playboy” boss Hugh Hefner are no longer together (buzz has it she cheated and the 82-year-old managed to stay up late enough to find out) . . . And 22-year-old actress Gemma Arterton, the ‘Bond girl’ in the upcoming movie “Quantum of Solace”, has revealed a bizarre secret to “Esquire”: she was born with 6 fingers on each hand, the extras later removed via surgery (she decided to keep the extra nose).

• Alanis Morissette – She kicks off the Canadian leg of her “Flavors of Entanglement” tour in Toronto. She says she’s ‘definitely’ having Thanksgiving dinner with her family after playing her Ottawa hometown on SUNDAY.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Kanye West is a guest. His new album, “808s and Heartbreak”, has been moved up to a NOVEMBER 25th release.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Good Charlotte is onstage.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (ABC) – Natasha Bedingfield guests.
• “Project Runway” (Bravo) – Part 1 of the 2-episode finalé airs, the one missed by scheduled guest judge Jennifer Lopez due to a ‘sore foot’. Then she ran a triathlon 2 days later.

• Amy Winehouse – She’s reportedly told friends she’s received a ‘welcoming call’ from the Church of Scientology celebrity center in LA and is seriously considering joining. (Well why not? One drug’s as good as another.)
• Carrie Underwood – A repackaged ‘holiday version’ of her “Carnival Ride” album will be released exclusively through Wal-Mart, featuring a 2nd CD containing 5 seasonal songs.
• Dire Straits – Bassist John Illsley wants to do a reunion tour but says former bandmate Mark Knopfler has turned him down flat. (An ‘80s band that’s staying retired … how refreshing!)
• Fergie – Her real-life high school prom date from 1993 has been arrested on charges of armed robbery. Vincent Malicek is charged with sticking up a bank in Santa Ana CA.
• R Kelly – He’s been awarded $3.4 million from his former tour promoter over unpaid fees for shows in 2007-08. LAST MONTH, Ne-Yo received damages of $700,000 from the company for being unceremoniously dropped from the same tour.
• Taylor Swift – The 18-year-old country star says she’s been doing MySpace since she was in Grade 8 and now has almost a million names on her ‘friend list’. (We’re up to 3.)
• Velvet Revolver – MacFarlane Toys is releasing a 6-inch Slash action figure based on the character in “Guitar Hero II: Legends of Rock”. It’ll hit the market in FEBRUARY.
• Weezer – During its day-long shoot in LA, their “Troublemaker” video set Guinness World Records for ‘Largest Game of Dodgeball’, ‘Most People in a Custard Pie Fight’, ‘Most People Riding on a Skateboard’, ‘Largest Air Guitar Ensemble’, and ‘Longest “Guitar Hero World Tour” Marathon’.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Cowpooling’ – Pulling together a group of people who order and share a side of beef. (“We’re cowpooling with some other hockey parents so we have enough burgers for the next team fundraiser.”)
• ‘Deface’ – To remove a friend from your Facebook page. (“For being so two-faced you have been defaced from my page!”)
• ‘Manecdote’ – A story that emphasizes one’s manliness. Talking about repairing the car, for instance. (“Jake became so embarrassed when his uncle hugged him, he immediately went into a manecdote about attending a Buffalo Bills game.”)

THIS YEAR’s college freshmen were mostly born in 1990. Beloit College in Wisconsin has compiled its annual ‘Mindset List’ to offer glimpses of the world through their eyes as well as make the rest of us feel really, really old …
• The ‘Warsaw Pact’ is as hazy for them as the ‘League of Nations’ was for their parents.
• Club Med resorts have always been places to take the whole family.
• Schools have always been concerned about multi-culturalism.
• IBM has never made typewriters.
• They’ve never heard a gas-station attendant ask: ‘Want me to check under the hood?’
– Associated Press

Most people see faces when they look at the fronts of cars; and what they see can influence what they buy. In a recent study participants rated car traits based on appearance. They drew facial features such as eyes, nose, and mouth on car images, then were asked whether they saw a human face, animal face, or no face at all. Results show that people overwhelmingly prefer cars that rate highest in ‘power traits’, which include a lower and/or wider profile, and slit-like or angled headlights. Among the vehicles that rank high in these traits … the BMW 5 Series. (What’s the angriest looking car? We say Pontiac Grand Prix.)

A new ranking of TV MILFs …
5. ‘Rachel Green’ (Jennifer Aniston), “Friends”.
4. ‘Clair Huxtable’ (Phylicia Rashad), “The Cosby Show”.
3. ‘Samantha Stevens’ (Elizabeth Montgomery), “Bewitched”.
2. ‘Midge Pinciotti’ (Tanya Roberts), “That ’70s Show”.
1. ‘Becky Donaldson’ (Lori Loughlin), “Full House”.

The new Maoist government of Nepal has appointed 6-year-old Shreeya Bajracharya as the country’s latest ‘living goddess’, a position that keeps the girl isolated in the temple town of  Bhaktapur where she will be worshiped by Nepal’s Hindus and Buddhists until she reaches puberty. She was chosen for possessing the 32 beautiful physical attributes required for the position, including having ‘eyelashes like a cow’ and a ‘voice as soft and clear as a duck’. (Holy crap, [co-host] could be a goddess!)
– “Curious Times”

A new ranking of the gigs to get when the economy goes south …
5. Accounting Staff (needed to calculate how much the company’s losing).
4. Accounting Executive (needed to figure how much the company saves by laying off above).
3. Nursing (always needed when people are jumping from high windows).
2. Software Design & Development (unfortunately, all the jobs are in India).
1. Sales Rep (in tough economic times, these are the people that squeeze gold out of rocks).
– “Forbes”

• We’re human … and we make mistakes (about 2 million a year).
• Sometimes we can’t read the doctor’s handwriting either.
• We hate your insurance company as much as you do.
• A less-qualified pharmacy technician may have actually filled your prescription.
• Generics are a close match for most brand names.
• It gets busy Mondays and Tuesdays, since many new prescriptions and refills come in after the weekend.
– “Reader’s Digest”

Japan has just hosted what is likely the world’s first ever ‘Adult Diaper Fashion Show’ as nappy manufacturers try to cash on the country’s rapidly growing market of seniors who can’t hold it anymore. Organizer Kiyoko Hamada of the Aging Lifestyle Research Center admits that diapers are not something many of us want to look at but claims if you make them attractive we’re more willing to learn about them. (How about classic rock band logos?)

A checklist of things people do that compromise online security. Are you guilty of any of these?
• Assuming your security software is protecting you.
•  Accessing an account through an email link.
• Using a single password for all online accounts.
• Downloading free software.
• Thinking your Mac shields you from all risks.
• Clicking on a pop-up ad that says your PC is insecure.
• Shopping online the same way you do in stores.
– “Consumer Reports”

• Trend-setting, health-conscious California has become the first US state to require fast-food restaurant chains to list calories on their menus. The state estimates that residents collectively have gained 360 million lbs in the past decade.
– Reuters
• Some 8 million Americans are expected to attend high-school reunions THIS YEAR, even though a nationwide survey says 65% of reunion attendees would never want to go through those years again.
– “Parade Magazine”

1943 [65] Chevy (Cornelius Crane) Chase, Woodstock NY, movie actor (“Vacation” series)

1949 [59] Sigourney (Susan) Weaver, NYC, movie actress (“Alien” series)

1968 [40] Emily Procter, Raleigh NC, TV actress (‘Calleigh Duquesne’ on “CSI: Miami” since 2002, “The West Wing” 2000-06)

1970 [38] Matt Damon, Cambridge MA, movie actor (“The Bourne Ultimatum”, “The Departed”/screenwriter (1998 Oscar-“Good Will Hunting”)

1980 [28] Nick Cannon, San Diego CA, movie actor (“Bobby”, “Drumline”)/wed Mariah Carey (APRIL 2008)

1993 [15] Angus T Jones, Austin TX, TV actor (‘Jake Harper’ on sitcom “Two & a Half Men” since 2003)

• “Emergency Nurses Day”, celebrated annually on the WEDNESDAY of “Emergency Nurses Week” to recognize the dedication and commitment of ER nursing professionals, who bring care, comfort, and compassion to patients.

• “Touch Tag Day”, an annual salute to the schoolyard game that almost every kid has played in some version. The game that’s variously known as ‘Touch’, ‘Tag’, ‘It’, ‘Chasey’, and ‘Catching’ has been played by children for thousands of years, going back as far as Ancient Egypt. Best thing about it: the equipment is really cheap!

• “Yom Kippur” begins at sundown, the Jewish “Day of Atonement”. Many Jews who do not observe any other Jewish custom will refrain from work, fast, and/or attend synagogue services on this day, one of the most important holidays on the Jewish calendar.

1898 [110] McGill University beats Queen’s University 3-2 in the 1st Canadian Intercollegiate football game (wasn’t that their last win?)

1967 [41] 1st ‘Breathalyzer’ test for alcohol consumption is used on a speeding motorist

1992 [16] Expansion team Ottawa Senators beat the Montréal Canadiens 5-3 in the Ottawa Civic Centre in the 1st regular season NHL game for a Senators team in 58 years

1978 [30] ‘World’s Largest Pizza’ measures 80 feet in diameter (Glens Falls NY)

[Fri] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Fri] International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction
[Sat] Dessert Day
[Sun] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Sun] Farmers Day
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
[Mon] Columbus Day (USA)
This Week Is … Temp Help Week
This Month Is … Spectacle Of the Geese Month

These may sound unbelievable but they’re all real …
• Payne & Fears … your worst nightmare realized!
• Low, Ball & Lynch … can’t get much lower than this.
• Smart & Biggar … do they represent Big & Rich?
• Ziffren, Brittenham, Branca, Fischer, Gilbert-Lurie, Stiffelman, Cook, Johnson, Lande & Wolf … by the time the receptionist gets to ‘how may I help you?’, she’s gasping!
• Ball & Weed … and chicks, and rock & roll!
• Boring & Leach … what can’t we do today?
• Bickers & Bickers… no surprise here: they’re husband & wife.
• Allen, Allen, Allen & Allen… OK already, we got it after the 3rd mention!
• [DISCRETION] Weiner & Cox … they have a reputation for being real pricks.

What’s the maximum you’d spend on your pet if it was ill?
(A UK woman, who’s cat ‘Cadbury’ stopped meowing due to a paralyzed larynx, has forked out big time for an operation, a stint in intensive care, 6 days in an oxygen tent, 4 months nursing care, and on-going regular check-ups. Bottom line: close to $20,000.)

Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath. [True]
• There is a city called ‘Rome’ on every continent. [True]
• More people are allergic to peanuts than any other food. [BS. Cow’s milk is most troublesome.]
• Unless you’re in an accident, your ribs don’t move. [BS. They move every time you breathe.]
• One-quarter of your bones are located in your head. [BS. 25% are in your feet.]
• Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue-print is different. [True]
• Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. [True]
• Men blink nearly twice as much as women. [BS. Actually, the exact opposite is true.]
• Earth is the only planet not named after a god. [True]
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 minutes. [BS. Try 13 seconds!]

A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

Today’s Question: THIS will change 6 times in the average woman’s lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Her bra size.

Your parents did the best they could. The bastards.

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