Friday, October 17, 2008        Edition: #3881
When You Can’t Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!

Brit filmmaker Guy Ritchie has reportedly told his lawyers that he wants ‘not one penny’ of soon-to-be-ex-wife Madonna’s fortune, estimated to be somewhat north of a half-billion dollars (what, is he nuts?) . . . Well what a surprise, that woman former Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight allegedly kicked, punched and left naked on the street in Las Vegas back in AUGUST is missing, just as LVPD want to re-interview her about the incident (time to call in ‘Grissom’!) . . . Social networking site MySpace has relaunched a new and improved ‘MySpace Karaoke’ service, which now includes a video recording function so users can film themselves singing and post the result online (in case making a drunken fool of yourself in a bar just isn’t enough for you) . . . Actor and recently rehabbed sex addict David Duchovny has separated from 11-year wife Téa Leoni, a joint statement suggesting they’ve been separated for several months, a fact they’ve kept private for the sake of their children (did anyone NOT see this coming?) . . . Barack Obama has become the first-ever US presidential candidate to advertise in videogames, buying up ads in 18 popular titles, including “Guitar Hero” and “Madden NFL 09“ (John McCain’s campaign has exclusive rights to “Pong”) . . . 67-year-old actor Ryan O’Neal and his 23-year-old son, Redmond, have now been formally charged with possession of methamphetamine over that bust in their home LAST MONTH and now face a NOVEMBER 13th court date in LA (when they’ll find out if they’ll be enjoying further father-son bonding in a an 8-by-10 cell) . . . And reality TV star Kim Kardashian (“Dancing With the Stars”, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”) is threatening to sic her lawyers on a weight-loss company that’s running online ads claiming she lost mega-weight using their colon-busting super-pill (for proof it’s not true, she could just twirl around and show us her ‘flipside’).

• BET Hip-Hop Awards – SATURDAY comedian Katt Williams hosts the annual honors in Atlanta. Performers include Common, The Game, Lil Wayne, Ludacris, T-Pain, and Young Jeezy. Def Jam founder Russell Simmons is presented the ‘I Am Hip-Hop Icon Award’. The show airs next THURSDAY.
• “Crusoe” (NBC) – TONIGHT Philip Winchester stars in the series debut of this new spin on the classic Daniel Defoe tale of “Robinson Crusoe”, set years after he becomes a castaway. The show uses flashbacks to incorporate plenty of action and interaction with other cast members.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – TODAY Kenny Chesney (“Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven“) performs.
• “Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling” (CMT) – SATURDAY the former wrestler hosts the debut of his new series featuring 10 ‘celebrity’ wrestling hopefuls, one of whom is kicked out of the ring on each show until a champ is determined. Participants include former NBA player Dennis Rodman; “Playboy” playmate Nikki Ziering; has-been pop singer Tiffany; and perpetual reality TV star Danny Bonaduce (“The Partridge Family.”).
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – “W” star Josh Brolin hosts; Adele (“Chasing Pavements”) is the musical guest.

• Bon Jovi – They’re the latest in a lengthening list of artists none too thrilled with the use of their music without permission by the McCain/Palin presidential ticket. The band has released a statement denouncing the use of “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” at GOP campaign rallies.
• Britney Spears – “Womanizer” has become her first chart-topping hit on the “Billboard” ‘Hot 100′ since her debut single “Baby One More Time” (1999). The track jumped all the way from #96, the 3rd tune in 2 months to set a record for largest leap to #1 (TI had the previous 2).
• Guns N’ Roses – Exclusive retailer Best Buy will market the long-in-the-making “Chinese Democracy” album on both CD & vinyl, each with 3 different covers. While much of the artwork is still under wraps, it is known that hardcore fan face a tab over $100 to collect all 6. Release date is NOVEMBER 23rd.
• Janet Jackson – She’s finally resumed her “Rock Witchu” tour and also finally revealed the mystery illness that led to her string of canceled concerts: Migraine-associated vertigo, which is characterized by dizziness and imbalance.
• Taylor Swift – The 18-year-old country phenom’s first headlining tour will begin in early 2009 and hit secondary markets. Dates are yet to be finalized.

• “Max Payne” ( PG-13 Thriller ): When a DEA agent whose family was slain as part of a conspiracy (Mark Wahlberg) and an assassin out to avenge her sister’s death (Mila Kunis) get together to solve a series of murders in NYC, they’re hunted by the cops, the mob, and a ruthless corporation. Co-stars Beau Bridges and rapper/actor Ludacris; singer Nelly Furtado has a small role. Based on the popular videogame. Shot entirely in Toronto.
• “Passchendaele“ ( AA-Rated War Drama ): The WWI film that’s preoccupied actor/director Paul Gross for nearly a decade is finally released in Canadian theaters. Gross plays Sgt Michael Dunne, who participated in all major Canadian battles of the war and set the record for individual bravery awards in a single battle. Perhaps surprisingly, the movie is essentially a love story. Debuted at the “Toronto Film Festival” in SEPTEMBER.
• “The Secret Life of Bees” ( PG-13 Adventure):  Set in 1960s South Carolina, Dakota Fanning and Jennifer Hudson star as a 14 year-old girl and the only parental figure she’s ever known, who together flee an abusive household and travel to the fictional town of ‘Tiburon’. There they are taken in by an eccentric trio of beekeeping sisters (Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys, and Sophie Okonedo).
• “Sex Drive” ( R-Rated Comedy ): In this teen road movie, a high school senior (Josh Zuckerman) drives cross-country with his best friends in his brother’s beloved 1969 Pontiac GTO to hook up with a babe he met online (Langley BC’s Amanda Crew). The trek is complicated by all manner of woes – car trouble, a stint in the slammer, and a buggy tow from an Amish farmer (Seth Green).
• “W” (PG-13 Bio): Filmmaker Oliver Stone’s chronicle on the life and presidency of George W Bush stars Josh Brolin (“No Country For Old Men”) in the title role; Elizabeth Banks as Laura Bush; Richard Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney; Thandie Newton as Condoleezza Rice; Rob Corddry (ex-“Daily Show”) as press aid Ari Fleischer; Ioan Gruffudd (“Fantastic Four”) as Brit PM Tony Blair; James Cromwell as George Bush Sr ; and Ellen Burstyn as Barbara Bush. Some cast!

A new ranking of the 5 strangest American laws which are still on the books despite being completely useless …
• In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.
• In Washington State, you can’t carry a concealed weapon that is … over 6 ft in length.
• In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car … while sleeping.
• In Kentucky, it’s the law that a person must take a bath … once a year.
• Alaska law says that you can’t look at a moose … from an airplane.
– “Curious Times”

If you’re average, in your lifetime you will …
• Visit a dentist 152 times.
• Pay 672 phone bills.
• Talk to your mom on the phone 2,900 times.
• Use a charge card 7,000 times.
• Go to work 147,000 times.
• Watch 200,000 hours of TV.
– “In One Day”

The world’s 4 largest music companies and SanDisk Corp have announced the introduction of ‘slotMusic cards’, 1-gig memory cards pre-loaded with music that can be plugged into cellphones, MP3 players, computers, car stereos and any other device with a microSD memory card slot. Both new releases and back catalogue titles are available, initially at Best Buy and Wal-Mart stores, with a manufacturer’s suggested retail price of $14.99. In addition to songs, slotMusic cards may hold liner notes, album art, videos, and other creative content artists may choose to include. (Is this going to persuade you not to download free music?)

According to a recent poll of guys, here are a few female talents they most wish they had …
• “Recall the most minute details of previous dialogue during arguments.”
• “Find things.”
• “Keep growing lots of hair.”
• “Buy Christmas presents before Christmas Eve.”
• “Be aroused in public without detection.”
– “Glamour Magazine”

Michigan State professor Michael Fossel, author of the book “Cells, Aging & Human Disease”, says technology already exists to turn back the aging process. For instance, experiments have successfully been able to ‘reset the clock’ of skin cells, whereby they’re reprogrammed to do what they did when young. Similar technology may someday be used to reset human hearts, enabling them to live indefinitely. How indefinitely? Fossel thinks perhaps a couple of centuries, but says a colleague at the UK’s Cambridge University is predicting up to 5,000 years. (Imagine how full of stuff your garage is gonna be by then!)

• An electric eel can produce a 500-volt shock, powerful enough to stun a horse. (Cool, another alternative energy source!)
• The average human sheds 10 billion skin flakes in a single day. This adds up to approximately 2 kg (4.5 lbs) in a year. (Save it up and make your own babies … just add water!)
• The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians circa 2000 BC. (We don’t even wanna know how this worked.)

1958 [50] Alan Jackson, Newnan GA, country singer (“Good Time”, “Don’t Rock the Jukebox”)

1963 [45] Norm Macdonald, Québec City QC, comedian (“Saturday Night Live” 1993-98)/movie actor (“Deuce Bigalow”, “Doctor Dolittle”)

1971 [37] Chris Kirkpatrick, Clarion PA, washed-up pop singer (*NSYNC-“Bye Bye Bye”, “Pop”)

1972 [36] Eminem (Marshall Mathers III), St Joseph MO (raised Detroit MI), rapper (“Stan”)/sometime movie actor (“8 Mile”)  FACTOID: His memoir, “Eminem: The Way I Am”, is published next TUESDAY.

1972 [36] Wyclef Jean, Croix-des-Bouquets, Haiti, R&B/rap artist (w/Shakira-“Hips Don’t Lie”, The Fugees-“Killing Me Softly”)

Rock ‘n roll pioneer Chuck Berry (“Johnny B Goode”) is 82; Action movie actor Jean-Claude Van Damme (“Double Impact”) is 48; R&B singer Ne-Yo (“Miss Independent”) is 29; Country singer Josh Gracin (“Nothin’ to Lose”) is 28; Movie/TV actor Zac Efron (“High School Musical”) is 21; TV actress Joy Lauren (“Desperate Housewives”) is 19.

Novelist John Le Carré (“The Constant Gardener”) is 77; Movie/TV/Broadway actor John Lithgow (“All My Sons”) is 63; Home improvement guru Ty Pennington (“Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”) is 43; TV producer/writer Trey Parker (“South Park”) is 39; Filmmaker Jason Reitman (“Juno”) is 31.

• “International Day For the Eradication of Poverty”, a UN observance since 1993.
• “Wear Something Gaudy Day”. Well, nice to see [co-host] is dressed for the occasion!

• “Alaska Day”, commemorating the formal transfer of Alaska from Russian to US control on this date in 1867, one of the sneakiest real estate deals ever! America paid $7.2 million, or less than 2 cents an acre. Nowadays, millions of dollars worth of oil is piped out of Alaska every day.
• “No Beard Day”, an observance likely started by some guy’s extremely chapped partner.
• “Persons Day”, commemorating the anniversary of the 1929 ruling that declared women to be ‘persons’ in Canada. Previously, under English common law, women were persons in matters of pains and penalties, but were not persons in matters of rights and privileges.
• “Sweetest Day”, celebrated annually on the 3rd SATURDAY in OCTOBER. It began in 1922 when Herbert Birch Kingston, a Cleveland OH philanthropist and candy company employee, began giving candy & small gifts to the under-privileged. He often used movie stars to distribute the gifts.
• “Watch a Squirrel Day”. Huh? Nuts to you!

• “Evaluate Your Life Day”, a time to ‘sit back and reflect on your contribution to humanity and see if you’re really heading toward where you want to be’. Hey, it shouldn’t take long.

1998 [10] Barenaked Ladies single, “One Week”, hits #1 … for one week

1860 [148] 1st ‘Professional Golf Tournament’ held, in Scotland (Wee Willie Park wins)

1968 [40] Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau introduces ‘Official Languages Act’, making both English and French the country’s official languages

1974 [34] 1st ‘Coast-to-Coast Run Across Canada’ (Mark Kent in 102 days)

1982 [26] 1st Russian player to score a goal in the NHL (Victor Nechaev, LA Kings)

1987 [21] 1st World Series game in a domed stadium (Minnesota Metrodome)

1989 [19] 1st World Series game canceled by an earthquake (Game 3-Oakland @ San Francisco)

2006 [02] The US population reaches 300 million

[Mon] Hurricane Thanksgiving Day
[Tues] AC/DC releases “Black Ice”
[Tues] Babbling Day
[Tues] Reptile Day
[Wed] international caps lock day
[Thurs] TV Talk Show Host Day
This Week Is … Getting The World to Beat a Path to Your Door Week
This Month Is … Long Term Care Planning Month

Some of the top-selling prepackaged get-ups so far …
• “The Dark Knight” – ‘Batman’
• “Indiana Jones”
• “Transformers”
• “High School Musical” – ‘Gabriella’
• “Hannah Montana”
• Little Princess
• “SpongeBob”
• “The Incredibles” – ‘Dash’
• “Wall-E”
• “Ben 10” – ‘Four Arms’

What’s the biggest turn-off in a relationship? (An Opinion Research poll suggests that it’s ‘bad breath’.)

When introduced in 1910, these were dubbed ‘immoral and unhealthy’.
a. Earrings.
b. V-neck sweaters. [CORRECT]
c. Jockey shorts.

Here’s an interactive point-and-click photo of Sarah Palin sitting in the Oval Office. Click on items around the room to get hilarious quotes from the veep candidate. Dumb … but really fun!

‘Tis better to have loved a short guy than to have never loved a tall.

Today’s Question: In a recent poll, men say THIS is the best place to pick up women.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Laundromat.

What you enjoy is much more important than what you have.

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