Thursday, October 9, 2008        Edition: #3875
Sheet Happens!

67-year-old movie actor Nick Nolte (“Tropic Thunder”) has escaped a fire in his LA home with minor injuries, even though he remained behind attempting to fight the blaze he believes started in a computer printer with – a garden hose ($3-million-worth of damage later, firefighters put it down) . . . Somebody get these people a hose – “National Enquirer” claims 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again, just 3 months after giving birth to her first child via her backwoods BF Casey Aldridge (at this rate, she’ll be a grandma to 12 by the time she’s 35) . . . Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry has been voted 2008’s ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ by the readers of “Esquire” magazine (Quote: “Being 42 and having just had a baby, I think I’ll take it!”) . . . The Salvation Army International Staff Band has just signed a record deal with Universal worth close to $2 million and has already recorded its 1st album under the agreement, “Together” (a little Sally Ann band music would sure kick-start your Saturday night party, no?) . . . Google has announced that YouTube is being developed into an e-commerce service through which it will sell music, films, TV shows, video games, books, concert tickets, and other media-related products (you didn’t think they bought it to keep showing lame homemade videos, did you?) . . . Ashlee Simpson-Wentz had a ‘white-trash-themed’ 24th birthday party at her parents’ home in Encino CA (guess it was ‘come as you are’) . . . If the lawsuit between “Project Runway“ producers & NBC Universal doesn’t end soon, insiders say we may not see Season 6 until NEXT SUMMER . . . And after several sightings out on the town together, it seems show biz couple Sarah Silverman & Jimmy Kimmel are back on again (apparently she’s no longer f—ing Matt Damon).

• “Eleventh Hour” (CBS/A Channel) – Premiere of yet another Jerry Bruckheimer production (“CSI”, “Amazing Race”, etc). Based on a British miniseries, Rufus Sewell stars as a biophysicist recruited by the FBI to investigate scientific oddities. Marley Shelton co-stars and the twosome is said to have that ‘will-they-or-won’t-they’ chemistry going on.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Chris Brown is a guest.
• “Hockey Night in Canada” (CBC) – A special edition features Def Leppard in the “NHL Face Off Rocks Concert” at Joe Louis Arena in Detroit. The live show actually precedes the Red Wings’ home opener against the Toronto Maple Leafs but will air afterward, just before the 2nd half of the double-header featuring Calgary @ Vancouver.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Rappers Young Jeezy and Nas are featured.
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – Sarah McLachlan promotes her new album “Closer”.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Beck (“Gamma Ray”) performs.
• “Life on Mars” (ABC/Global) – Series debut of a new cop series in which an NYPD detective (Jason O’Mara) goes back in time to 1973 where he’s be paired up with a rough-around-the-edges old-school cop (former “Sopranos” actor Michael Imperioli).

• Blink-182 – 32-year-old former drummer Travis Barker tells “Us Weekly” he hates planes and his biggest fear has always been a plane crash. So now that it’s happened … he’s just grateful to be around. (Traveling by Greyhound now, are we?)
• Britney Spears – She may have to stand trial in LA for driving without a valid license after all. A 3-judge panel has denied a motion by her attorney seeking a delay in the trial and a possible reduction in the charge. (Why the big deal? Just pay the fine and move on.)
• Colbie Caillat – Her debut album “CoCo” will be re-release NOVEMBER 11th, with 8 new tunes tacked on, including her contribution to an Olympics compilation, “Somethin’ Special”, and an acoustic version of her mega-hit “Bubbly”.
• Coldplay – They’ll release “Viva La Vida – Prospekt’s March” edition NOVEMBER 25th, a 2-disc package that includes their top-selling 4th full-length album plus a brand new EP entitled “The EP”, which will also be for sale separately in CD and 12“ vinyl formats.
• Fleetwood Mac – It’s now been confirmed the classic rock band will regroup and tour NEXT YEAR.
• KISS – Not content with just selling KISS-branded cycling shorts, Frisbees, and red wine, the band has added Vans Sk8-Hi shoes to their online shop. All 4 original members are pictured on the sneakers, 2 faces per shoe. (They haven’t had a hit for 20 years … who buys this crap?)
• Lily Allen – The Brit pop star has been granted a US work visa again, a little more than a year after her last one was revoked by immigration officials. (Now she’ll be getting drunk and acting stupid on this side of the pond.)
• Linkin Park – They’re canceling a scheduled tour of China because lead singer Chester Bennington has suffered an unspecified back injury.
• Paul McCartney – The long-time vegan and PETA ambassador is said to be furious after learning a McDonald’s restaurant in his hometown of Liverpool has his picture on display. (Big Mc?)

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Alice in Wonderland” – More cast has been added to Tim Burton’s upcoming Disney version, including his long-time partner Helena Bonham Carter (‘Red Queen’) & actress Anne Hathaway (‘White Queen ‘). Mia Wasikowska is already confirmed as ‘Alice’ while Johnny Depp will play the ‘Mad Hatter’. Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s novel is slated for release in 2010.
• “Bull Durham 2” – A sequel to Kevin Costner’s 1988 baseball movie is in the pipeline. The original film, co-starring Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins, was nominated for a ‘Best Screenplay’ Oscar. Costner has been in a series of meetings with director Ron Shelton about resurrecting his ‘Crash Davis’ character. It’s thought Sarandon would also to return to play ‘Annie Savoy’.
• “Diary Of the Dead 2” – Zombie movie king George Romero is digging up more of the undead for a new installment to his long-running horror movie series. The untitled new film, a sequel to 2007’s “Diary Of the Dead”, is the latest in the franchise that began with 1968’s “Night Of the Living Dead”. The new film has just begun shooting in Toronto and Port Dover ON.
• “I Heard You Paint Houses” – Director Martin Scorsese & actor Robert De Niro will collaborate for the 9th time on this true tale of organized crime based on Charles Brandt’s book. The title is a reference to the blood splattered during contract killings. De Niro will play Frank ‘The Irishman’ Sheeran, a mob assassin thought to be responsible for more than 25 murders, including the mysterious disappearance of notorious union boss Jimmy Hoffa.
• “Nottingham” – Director Ridley Scott’s new take on the famous ‘Robin Hood’ saga will now reportedly feature Russell Crowe in TWO roles, as both the ‘Sheriff of Nottingham’ (as previously announced) and also the lead role of ‘Robin Hood’ as well. Sienna Miller has been announced as ‘Maid Marion’. The movie is slated for a NOVEMBER 2009 release.

• In Rockenhausen, Germany an 89-year-old tire-slashing granny has been sentenced to … knit sweaters for her victims. Heidi Kohl claims she went on a slashing spree because the glut of vehicles parked on her road left pedestrians no safe place to cross. So she cut tires on dozens of cars thinking it would deter drivers from parking. When a court heard she had no cash to pay for the damages, she offered to knit items for her victims instead. The prosecutor agreed.
– Ananova News Service
• In Monroe WA, a creative bank robber used Craigs List online to hire a dozen unsuspecting accomplices for a bank heist. The ad offered $28.50 an hour for maintenance workers to show up wearing a blue shirt, yellow vest, safety goggles and respirator mask … the exact same outfit the robber wore as he sprayed a guard with pepper spray, grabbed a bag of cash and escaped by riding an inner tube down the Skykomish River.
– Reuters
• In Durban, South Africa a gunfight in a bar has left 3 men dead and 2 others injured. What started it? According to the police report, an argument began after a patron of Indian descent made a comment about the size of a Caucasian man’s ‘equipment’ while they stood at adjacent urinals in the men’s room. Vulgarities were exchanged, then a group of men left the restaurant and returned with firearms they let loose.
– “Mail & Guardian”
• In Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia a pair of armed robbers who hijacked a security van had to leave more than $700,000 behind because … their getaway car was too small. While some cash was taken, the armored van was recovered not far from where it was jacked with 9 cash bags still inside. The local police chief says the planning was pretty poor because the moneybags are quite big … way too big to stuff into a tiny compact car.
– “Daily Telegraph”

Google has come up with a system to block users from sending ill-conceived drunken emails to their bosses or ex-lovers. ‘Mail Goggles’, which can be set to automatically activate at night or on weekends, asks emailers to answer a series of short math questions before they’re allowed to send a message. The basic arithmetic must be completed within a time limit. Gmail engineer Jon Perlow says the idea is to help those who are a little too tired or emotional to foresee the consequences of their actions. (Not to mention hammered out of their skulls.)
– “The Guardian”

Can you ID people you know by peering at their posteriors? Turns out chimpanzees can and they’re apparently pretty good at it. In fact, during recent experiments chimps have shown no problem whatsoever matching the faces of friends with photos of their rear ends. Researchers say the talent suggests that chimps carry around ‘whole body’ mental impressions of each other. (Or maybe they’re just a species of pervs?)
– “New Scientist“

• Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.
• Some worms will eat themselves if they can’t find any food.
• Slugs have 4 noses.
• A giraffe can clean its own ears with its 21-inch tongue.

1948 [60] Jackson Browne, Heidelberg, Germany, classic rock musician (“Running On Empty”, “Somebody’s Baby”)

1952 [56] Sharon Osbourne (Arden), London UK, talent manager/TV personality (“America’s Got Talent” 2007-08, “The X-Factor” in the UK 2004-07, “The Osbournes” 2002-05)/Mrs Ozzy Osbourne since 1982

1953 [55] Tony Shalhoub, Green Bay WI, TV actor (3 Emmy Awards for ‘Adrian Monk’ on “Monk”)

1964 [44] Guillermo del Toro, Guadalajara, Mexico, movie director (“Pan’s Labyrinth”, “Hellboy II: The Golden Army”)  COMING UP: “The Hobbit” (2011).

1979 [29] Brandon Routh, Des Moines IA, movie actor (“Superman Returns”)

• “Fire Prevention Day”, a highlight of the annual observance of “Fire Prevention Week”. Why TODAY? It marks the anniversary of the ‘Great Chicago Fire of 1871′, the disaster that began a movement toward fire prevention as an adjunct to firefighting.

• “Hispanic Heritage Day”, a highlight of “Hispanic Heritage Month”. According to the US Census Bureau, circa to 30 million people in America are of Hispanic origin.

• “International Alan Day”, celebrating anyone with the name ‘Alan’, ‘Allan’, ‘Alannis’, ‘Al’, ‘Allen’ or anything vaguely in the area.

• “Leif Erikson Day” in Norway and Iceland, commemorating the Viking explorer’s discovery of North America (‘Vinland’) circa 1000 AD … almost 500 years before Columbus.

• “UN World Post Day”, honoring the founding of the Universal Postal Union in 1874. Today the UPU, with 189 member countries, oversees the co-ordination of the global postal service. When was the last time you actually wrote something on a piece of paper and mailed it snail-mail?

1986 [22] ‘FOX’ TV network debuts (“The Late Show”, starring Joan Rivers)

2007 [01] MTV’s “A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila“ (TV’s 1st ‘bisexual dating show’) debuts, in which 16 men & 16 women compete for a chance to get romantic with the tiny hottie who first made a name for herself online

1940 [64] John Winston Lennon is born in Liverpool, England (hard to imagine what the music world would be like without his influence, both as a solo artist and as part of The Beatles)

1946 [62] Simmons Company charges $39.50 for the 1st ‘Electric Blanket’ (ahhhh!)

2003 [05] New peach-colored US $20-bill goes into circulation, featuring enhanced security features & background colors

1996 [12] World’s ‘Largest Grilled Cheese Sandwich’ (a 3,000-lb monster made by Kraft Foods)

2007 [01] The Dow Jones Industrial Average reaches an all-time high – 14,164 (that’s when you should have sold, dummy!)

[Fri] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Fri] International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction
[Sat] Dessert Day
[Sun] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Sun] Farmers Day
[Sun] World Egg Day
[Sun] Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day
[Mon] Columbus Day (USA)
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
[Mon] Sukkot begins (Jewish)
This Week Is … Improve Your Home Office Week
This Month Is … Adopt-A-Shelter-Dog Month

Believe it or not, these are real books that actually received publication …
• “How to S–- in the Woods”
• “People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead”
• “The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories”
• “Whose Bottom Is This?”
• “How-to-Write a How-to-Write Book”
• “I Was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen”
• “Cheese Problems Solved”
• “Italian Without Words”
• “Living With Crazy Buttocks”

If you were all of a sudden handed an extra hour of free time, how would you spend it?

In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word for you to toss around for the day (award callers for tying it in with whatever they’re talking about) …
• ‘Balter’ … to dance clumsily.
– “Oxford English Dictionary”

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Today’s Question: There are now 4 billion of THESE active on the planet.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cellphone subscriptions. But that doesn’t mean  4 billion people use them. Many people in developed nations have more than one. China is the biggest cellphone market in the world with over 600 million subscribers.

One should NEVER generalize.

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