Monday, October 5, 2009        Edition: #4114
Sheet Happens!


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• Guests at Simon Cowell’s 50th birthday party Saturday night were treated to numerous images of his face, including a gigantic version projected on an outdoor wall of Wrotham Park Estate where the event was held, several others in a fake Michelangelo artwork on a ceiling, and yet more as waiters donned Simon Cowell masks. Estimates now have it the birthday bash cost over $1.5 million. (For more info, look up the word ‘narcissism’.)
• In related news, former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul’s plans to surprise Simon Cowell at his party were ruined by a bout of influenza. She claims she’s currently recuperating in bed ‘on doctor’s orders’. (BS translation: She couldn’t come up with a clever answer for the dozens of party guests who’d ask … “So, what are you doing now?”)
• While appearing at the “Morelia International Film Festival” in Mexico over the weekend, movie director Quentin Tarantino has announced a 3rd installment of his “Kill Bill” movie series is coming in 2014. “Kill Bill: Vol. 1” (2003) and “Kill Bill: Vol. 2” (2004) both starred Uma Thurman and grossed over $332 million worldwide. The new film will be set 10 years after the last installment. But even Tarantino will have a tough time coming up with an ickier death than late ‘Bill’ actor David Carradine’s real-life hijinks. (Wouldn’t this be better titled “Overkill Too”?)
• Pop star Beyoncé’s manager-father is at the center of a new paternity case filed by a 30-something Los Angeles woman. Alexsandra Wright claims Mathew Knowles is the father of her unborn child, due in December. And what gives her case considerable weight is the fact top lawyer Neal Hersh is representing her. News of the lawsuit broke just hours after Beyoncé picked up “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Woman Of the Year Award’ in NYC Friday night. (Proving even a geezer guy can use a fame connection to get lucky with the ladies.)
• And a DNA test has reportedly proven permanently potent Brit actor Jude Law is in fact the papa of model Samantha Burke’s newborn baby. Burke gave birth to daughter Sophia last month after a brief affair with the  36-year-old actor earlier this year while he was filming “Sherlock Holmes” in NYC. Law previously vowed to financially support Burke in raising the child if he tested positive. Word has it lawyers are now planning a meeting between him and his new spawn. (Life’s so unfair! Thousands of couples struggle to conceive and this guy impregnates everything he looks at.)
– “News Of the World


• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Miranda Lambert performs “White Liar”.
• “Jay Leno Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Jamie Foxx (“Blame It”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Pink (“Funhouse”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Pete Yorn (“Break Up”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Jack Ingram (“Barefoot & Crazy”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – 1970s pop star Christopher Cross.
• “Let’s Make a Deal” (CBS) – The iconic TV game show once hosted by Monty Hall (1963-77) makes yet another comeback (the 5th), this time as an hour-long replacement for the cancelled soap “Guiding Light”, hosted by Wayne Brady (“Whose Line Is It Anyway?).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – 1990s rocker Melissa Etheridge.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Dierks Bentley (“Sideways”).

• Christina Aguiliera – Even though her new album is completed, she’s likely to wait until after she finishes work on her upcoming film “Burlesque” before putting out the as-yet-untitled record.
• Christina Milian – She’s confirmed she’s expecting her 1st child with husband The-Dream in the new year. She tells both her wedding and her pregnancy weren’t as spontaneous as it might seem. (Let’s see – married a month, 4.5 months pregnant … hmm.)
• Lady Gaga – She claims she and Kanye West made the ‘mutual decision’ to cancel the upcoming “Fame Kills” tour, resulting in her planning her own headlining tour that will begin soon. (BS translation: I don’t need him so I’m dumping the big-mouth loser.)
• Luke Bryan – Starting tonight at the Hurricane Plantation in Statesboro GA, he’ll play 9 shows in 10 days as he promotes his new album, “Doin’ My Thing”.
• Paramore – They’ve postponed a week’s worth of shows as singer Hayley Williams has come down with laryngitis. They’ll return to the road October 10th in Chicago.
• Shakira – She’s discounting reports that she recently went under the knife for a nose job. On Twitter she asks, “Why would a she-wolf want a smaller nose?” Indeed.

The 19th edition of the Nobel Prize parody “Ig Nobel Prize Awards” have been announced by Harvard U’s science humor magazine, “The Annals of Improbable Research”. They honor people whose achievements ‘cannot or should not be reproduced’, usually far-fetched scientific studies that somehow received funding. This year’s winners include …
• Biology Prize: Experts at Japan’s Kitasato University for demonstrating that kitchen refuse can be reduced by more than 90% in mass by using bacteria extracted Giant Panda poop.
• Chemistry Prize: A trio of Mexican chemists for discovering that diamonds can be created from liquid, specifically tequila.
• Mathematics Prize: The governor of Zimbabwe’s Reserve Bank for having his bank print notes in denominations ranging from 1 cent to 100 trillion dollars.
• Medicine Prize: California’s Donald Unger for investigating arthritis of the fingers, by diligently cracking the knuckles of his left hand – but never his right – every day for over 60 years.
• Peace Prize: A research team from Switzerland’s University of Bern for determining whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full bottle beer bottle or an empty.
• Physics Prize: A joint Harvard-University of Texas team for analytically determining why pregnant women don’t tip over.
• Public Health Prize: 3 female Chicago inventors for creating a brassiere that, in an emergency, can be converted into a pair of gas masks, one for the wearer, another for a needy bystander.
• Veterinary Medicine Prize: Scientists from the UK’s Newcastle University for showing that cows who have names give more milk than cows that are nameless.
More honorees listed here …
– Condensed from


That’s the opinion of the Trustees of Pooh Properties, which manages the estates of author AA Milne and illustrator EH Shepard. They’ve authorized the first modern sequel to the Pooh series, “Return To the Hundred Acre Wood” written by David Benedictus with illustrations by Mark Burgess, which hits bookshelves today. It’s generated some controversy among purists, who argue that the original books were about growing up and moving on, and that if the creators had wanted sequels they would have generated them themselves. Among the innovations in the sequel, a new character named ‘Lottie the Otter’. (Relax Poohists, Disney’s hatched new Pooh stories for the screen ever since it acquired rights back in 1961. This is just more Pooh-doo.)
– AP


• Germany has opened its first nude hiking trail. The 18K (11-mile) path winds its way through the wooded hills of the upland Harz district in the center of northern Germany. Wearing anything other than sturdy hiking boots is strictly verboten. (“Hey Hans, is that a walking stick or are you just happy to see me?”)
– “The Independent”
• Swedish judges have overturned a legal ban on sci-fi fans naming their son ‘Q’ after their favorite “Star Trek” character. After 2 previous hearings ruled the name could cause the boy ‘mental anguish’, the parents appealed to the Supreme Court and won. The father says the 1-year-old is a unique child so they thought he should have a unique name. (That’s not unique, just another member of ‘John Q Public’.)
• Residents of the territorial capital Iqaluit on Baffin Island in Canada’s far north are fighting the installation of a stoplight because they don’t want to have to deal with traffic jams. One local commuter complains that what used to take 2 minutes is now taking 5-plus. (Whoa! We feel your pain, dude!)
• A 30-year-old Florida man has been busted after a bag of cocaine ‘shot out’ of his rear end during a traffic stop. After a drug-sniffing canine indicated that Warren Wiley had drugs on him, cops searched him but found nothing. But they noticed he had his butt cheeks clenched and asked him to relax, which sent the bag flying. (And that’s the ‘inside dope’.)
– “NY Post”

Golfer Tiger Woods has become the first athlete to reach $1 billion in earnings, beating out former NBA star Michael Jordan and F1 racing driver Michael Schumacher. Woods earned more than $10.5 million on the PGA Tour in ‘09 and added another $10 million a week ago by winning the 2009 FedEx Cup, the championship trophy for the PGA Tour. That little bonus was enough to push him over the billion-dollar mark. But Woods makes more money off-the-course than on, over $100 million annually from appearance fees, endorsements, and a golf course design business, among many other revenue streams. (Did we say ‘streams’? It’s more like a tsunami of cash!)

There are about 100 million bubbles in a bottle of champagne. (Wonder who counted?)
– “Daily Mirror”


1947 [62] Brian Johnson, Newcastle UK, rock singer (AC/DC-“Black Ice”, “Back in Black”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)

1954 [55] (Sir) Bob Geldof, Dublin, Ireland, social activist (“Live 8″, “Live Aid”, Band Aid-“Do They Know It’s Christmas”)/former rock singer (Boomtown Rats-“I Don’t Like Mondays”)

1975 [34] Kate Winslet, Reading UK, movie actress (2009 Oscar-“The Reader”, “Revolution Road”, “Titanic”)

1978 [31] James Valentine, Lincoln NE, pop musician (Maroon 5-“Makes Me Wonder”, “She Will Be Loved”)

1980 [29] Paul Thomas, Waldorf MD, pop-punk bassist (Good Charlotte-“Lifestyles Of the Rich & Famous”, “Girls & Boys”)


• “Apple Betty Day”, honoring the dessert aka “Apple Brown Betty”, “Apple Crisp”, “Apple Crumble” or “Apple Cobbler”. Whatever you call it … nummers!

• “Child Health Day”, a day to highlight the prevention of juvenile illness and injury in order to build a healthier, safer, brighter future for every child. Hey, who’s to argue?

• “Get Organized Week”. The Association of Professional Organizers finds that managers spend an average of 6 weeks each year searching their desks for misplaced information.
• Organize surface clutter first. Visible results will keep you going.
• Sort, identify and place. Don’t get sidetracked catching up on unfinished chores.
• Start with one corner of a room. Do only one area at once, and never zigzag.
• Use a box labelled ‘goes elsewhere’ for things that don’t belong where they’re found.
• Surround yourself only with useful, inspiring things. Donate unneeded items.

• “World Habitat Day”, an annual UN observance focusing this year on ‘Planning Our Urban Future’.

• “World Teachers Day”, begun by UNESCO in 1994 as recognition for the vital contribution teachers make to education & development. Over 100 countries now observe the day.

1969 [40] “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” debuts on BBC-TV (45 episodes produced before the troupe leaves in 1974 to make movies)

1995 [14] Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” is certified Gold & Platinum (truly a one-hit-wonder!)

1984 [25] 1st Canadian in space (Marc Garneau, aboard the Space Shuttle “Challenger”)

1985 [24] 1st American League East title for Toronto Blue Jays


[Tues] Ecological Debt Day
[Wed] Bald & Free Day
[Thurs] New Zealand Music Awards (Auckland)
[Thurs] Depression Screening Day
[Thurs] World Sight Day

Carry a Tune Week / Customer Service Week / Financial Planning Week / Fire Prevention Week / Kids’ Goal Setting Week / Mental Illness Awareness Week / Metric Week / Nuclear Medicine Week / Physicians Assistant Week / World Space Week / Work From Home Week


A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to do it again.
• Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
• Grandparents: People who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
• Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
• Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing ‘Spider-Man’ jammies.


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

• During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 lbs of food. (True.)
• A new reality TV series will attempt to find “America’s Sexiest Dog”. (BS, but Spike-TV is likely looking at it.)
• The bowlegs of England’s Queen Anne inspired a furniture style. (True.)
• In Brazil, large breasts are seen as a low-class libido killer. (True. The reason breast reduction surgery is very popular there.)
• The yo-yo was originally developed as a magic trick. (BS. It was a weapon in the Philippines.)
• The University of Calgary offers a 2-day course in igloo building. (True.)


Today is “Improve Your Office Day”. Okay, here’s your big chance … what one thing would you change to make yours better? Coffee on the house? Work-free Fridays?


Today’s Question: The average guy spends 22 minutes-a-day talking about THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sports.


Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

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