Thursday, October 15, 2009       Edition: #4122
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

Former “Friends” star Matthew Perry is set to pitch a new sitcom to TV networks this month, an untitled project that he’d write, produce, and star in as a sports arena manager facing mid-life crisis (reasons he’ll get turned down: “17 Again”, “Birds of America”, “Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip”) . . . 40-year-old moviemaker Brett Ratner (“Rush Hour” films, “X-Men: The Last Stand”) has photographed his girlfriend, 27-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Alina Puscau, for a bizarre new “Playboy” magazine spread in which she poses provocatively with a mannequin in a series of ‘artsy’ shots (a small step up from taking cellphone shots in the bedroom then posting them online) . . . Former reality TV star Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 to the joint bank account he shares with wife Kate (“Kate Plus Eight”) as the withdrawal was in violation of an arbitrator’s order (this guy’s turning into creep of the year) . . . Officials in LA County have filed a lien against Courtney Love, who allegedly owes more than $300,000 in unpaid taxes dating back to 2007 (the excuse this time – a former business manager) . . . TV gabfest guru Dr Phil McGraw (“Dr Phil”) is facing yet another sexual harassment lawsuit, another woman coming forward to claim she was also forced to share a room with a naked man as part of her ‘therapy’ (2 unrelated incidents might be questioned, but 3?) . . . And 19-year-old “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart tells “Interview” magazine she’s become ‘skinny fat’ and doesn’t exercise because she can’t even go for a walk thanks to her new-found fame (soon you’ll be ‘chunky thin’).

• “Bonnie Hunt Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Toby Keith (“American Ride”).
• International Rome Film Festival (Italy) – The 4th annual opens and runs through October 23rd. Actress Meryl Streep will be honored with the ‘Marcus Aurelius Lifetime Achievement Award’.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Harper Simon (“Harper Simon”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Keane (“Perfect Symmetry”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – A Fine Frenzy (“One Cell In the Sea”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Hockey (“Mind Chaos”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Built to Spill (“There Is No Enemy”).
• “Rankin’s Heidilicious” – A new coffee table book by renowned photographer Rankin is out, featuring 36-year-old model/new mom Heidi Klum. Many of the photos, taken over a 7-year period, are nudes.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – 1970s disco diva Gloria Gaynor (“I Will Survive”).


• Black Eyed Peas – 34-year-old Fergie blames her early start as a child star (Disney’s “Kids Incorporated”1984-90; voice of ‘Sally’ in “Charlie Brown” TV specials) for her subsequent addiction to crystal meth and ecstasy. Now 10 years sober, she admits drug abuse almost ruined her life.
• Bob Seger – A new book on the classic rocker, “Travelin’ Man: On The Road & Behind The Scenes With Bob Seger”, is published today, based recollections of his longtime tour manager Tom Weschler.
• Janet Jackson – She’s teamed with brother Michael on a new track for her upcoming greatest hits compilation, “Number Ones”, due November 17th. “Make Me” was recorded last year.
• LeAnn Rimes – The 27-year-old tells “People” her next album is inspired by her marriage split from Dean Sheremet. The album is due to be released in the spring.
• Soulja Boy – He’s in trouble again, facing eviction after breaking a 2-guest rule in his tenancy agreement on a high-end LA property and falling almost $10,000 behind in rent.
• Taylor Swift – She has a leading 6 nominations for the “American Music Awards”, followed by Michael Jackson with 5. The hardware will be handed out November 22 in LA, live on ABC-TV.
• Toni Braxton – TMZ reports the Bank of America is looking to foreclose on her property in Century City CA because she’s behind by circa $12,500 in mortgage payments.

A growing number of companies are drawing up rules to regulate the conduct of employees in online environments, concerned that unprofessional appearance and behavior can damage business. The issue is particularly pressing at companies where staff are required to select an avatar – or character – to represent them in online meetings with clients. More than 70% of firms will have avatar codes of conduct by 2013, according IT research firm Gartner, which advises the use of ‘virtual dress codes’ to avoid the problem of staff dressing their online characters inappropriately. (“That belly shirt and mini-skirt outfit is unacceptable, Bruce.”)
– “Daily Telegraph”


A new ranking of seemingly ageless beautiful women who are all 50-plus …
10. Heart rocker Nancy Wilson (55).
9. Movie star Sophia Loren (75).
8. Movie actress Jane Seymour (58).
7. Model Iman (54).
6. Actress Suzanne Somers (63).
5. Singer/actress Cher (63).
4. Former “Charlie’s Angles” actress Jaclyn Smith (64).
3. Movie actress Michelle Pfeiffer (51).
2. Broadway star Bernadette Peters (61).
1. Movie actress Raquel Welch (69).
(Honorable mentions: Susan Sarandon, Jessica Lange, Helen Mirren, Debbie Harry.)
– Condensed from


PepsiCo has apologized via Twitter for offering a free iPhone application crafted to help guys pick up women and keep records of their conquests. The ‘AMP Up Before You Score’ app categorizes females into 24 types and then uses the Internet to link users to info about each. Types of women listed include ‘punk rocker’, ‘bookworm’, ‘aspiring actress’, ‘artist’, and ‘sorority girl’. A ‘Keep a List’ feature prompts users to add women’s names and details to a ‘brag list’ if they ‘get lucky’. The company’s apology claims the app was meant to be a humorous look at the lengths guys go to in order to get women. (Hilarious … 40 years ago.)


You wouldn’t think so, but cellphones smell. The K-9 Unit of the New Jersey Department of Corrections has recently trained 7 cellphone-sniffing dogs. Inside a prison, illegal phones are among the greatest problems authorities face and sniffer dogs have proven the most efficient way to find them. The smell that’s in all cellphones comes from an organic substance that dogs can sniff out even when it’s masked. A corrections officer claims the pooches can sense it if the cellphone’s in water, oil … even peanut butter. (?!?!?)
– “New Yorker”


• Tennessee – A woman has broken the law by poking … via Facebook. It’s been ruled she violated a restraining order specifically prohibiting phoning, contacting, or otherwise communicating with the petitioner. The violation is punishable by up to a year in jail and a fine up to $2,500.
• England – A school has been fined about $30,000 after a 16-year-old student lost her fingers … during an art lesson. When she was instructed to place her hands in a bucket of plaster of Paris, the goop gelled around them and neither staff nor paramedics could get it off. After a series of 12 operations, she is left with no fingers on one hand and just 2 on the other.
– Reuters
• Germany – A male passenger who mooned the conductor who that has just kicked him off a train was dragged, half-naked, down a platform when his pants got caught in the door. Fortunately for the cheeky commuter, another passenger pulled the emergency brake before he was seriously injured.


A Mayan elder says he’s tired of being asked about the end of the world as supposedly predicted by his culture. Apolinario Chile Pixtun claims the idea of a 2012 apocalypse actually springs from Western folklore rather than Mayan tradition. The doomsday theory that’s much circulated online is believed to derive from the partially-eroded Monument Six ruin in southern Mexico. The structure is said to mention the Mayan equivalent of the year 2012 and a god associated with war, conflict, and the underworld. “2012” is also the title of a new disaster movie from Roland Emmerich due for release next month. (Hmm, coincidence?)
– AP


Legendary director Alfred Hitchcock was the master of the directorial cameo. But all too often directors embarrass themselves onscreen. Among those that should never be allowed to act …
5. Woody Allen (“Anything Else”, “Annie Hall”)
4. Quentin Tarantino (“Death Proof”, “Reservoir Dogs”)
3. Spike Lee (“Summer of Sam”, “Do the Right Thing”)
2. Tyler Perry (“I Can Do Bad All by Myself”, “Madea Goes to Jail”)
1. M Night Shyamalan (“The Happening”, “The Sixth Sense”)
(Dishonorable mention: Kevin Smith of “Live Free or Die Hard”, “Mallrats”.)
– Adapted from

The new ‘WikiReader’ is a compact and fairly cheap gizmo on which you can store an entire resource library. It uses a Kindle-esque touch-screen display that allows it to run on 3 AAAs for about a year. The device itself costs $99, then you can choose to receive Wikipedia updates by snail-mail for $29-a-year or just download the 4GB file and dump it on the card. (Now you can have unreliable information at your fingertips at all times!)


• It has just come to light that, when “The Wizard of Oz” was filmed 70 years ago, the dog that played ‘Toto’ got paid more than the tiny actors who played munchkins.
– “Newsweek”
• On average, we waste 14% of our food purchases and the average family throws out over $600-worth of fruit per year. Most of the waste is due to spoilage; we’re buying too much & using too little of it.
– Discovery Channel


1959 [50] Emeril Lagasse, Fall River MA, TV chef (Food Network’s “Essence of Emeril”, “Emeril Live”)/restaurateur (a string of restaurants in Las Vegas, Orlando, etc)/his various endeavors generate an estimated $150 million annually

1959 [50] Sarah Ferguson (‘Fergie’), London UK, Duchess of York/Prince Andrew’s ex-/former Weight Watchers spokesperson/sometime newspaper columnist

1970 [39] Ginuwine (Elgin Baylor Lumpkin), Washington DC, hip-hop artist (“In Those Jeans”, “Differences”)

1981 [28] Keyshia Cole, Oakland CA, R&B singer/songwriter (“Heaven Sent”, “I Remember”)

• “Global Handwashing Day”, the 2nd annual as part of a campaign to motivate people everywhere to wash their hands with soap, a key factor in disease prevention.

• “My Mom is a Student Day”, when kids are encouraged to show support for moms who’ve gone back to school by giving gifts of school supplies. (They should also ask her at least 27 times if she’s finished her homework.)

• “National Grouch Day”, a day to be grumpy, ungrateful and cantankerous, and a day to allow grouches everywhere time to spout off. A grouch’s mission in life is to be as miserable and grouchy as possible; only then do they feel truly happy.

• “Sarcastic Awareness Month. Among the instructive examples cited by the Sarcasm Society: “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it” and “I feel so miserable without you … it’s almost like having you here.”

• “White Cane Safety”, an annual date set aside since 1964 to celebrate the achievements of people who are visually impaired and the important symbol of blindness and tool of independence, the white cane.

• “World Poetry Day”, a good day to sample some ‘modern poetry’ by reading the inane lyrics to a hit song over a mushy violin background track. You can find lots of dumb lyrics online here …

2007 [02] Drew Carey begins hosting TV game show “The Price is Right” as its 36th season begins, taking over from long-time host Bob Barker, who retired at age 84

1973 [36] Patsy Cline becomes the first female solo performer inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame

1981 [28] 1st ‘wave’ created in an NFL stadium by professional cheerleader George Henderson (aka ‘Krazy George’) at Oakland-Alameda Coliseum, Oakland CA

1991 [18] World’s ‘Tallest Sand Castle’ is topped off at 19.5 ft

1993 [16] ‘Largest Cookie’ measures 1,001 sq ft and includes 3 million chocolate chips (Arcadia CA)

[Fri] Boss’ Day
[Fri] Dictionary Day
[Fri] Mammography Day
[Fri] World Food Day
[Sat] Diwali (Hindu)
[Sat] International Day For the Eradication of Poverty
This Week Is … Freedom From Bullies at Work Week
This Month Is … Depression Education & Awareness Month


• ‘Law of the Bath’ – When the body is fully immersed in water, the phone will always ring.
• ‘Law of Close Encounters’ – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
• ‘Law of Biomechanics’ – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• ‘Law of Theater’ – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• ‘Law of Lockers’ – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• ‘Law of Physical Surfaces’ – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.
• ‘Law of Logical Argument’ – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
• ‘Doctors’ Law’ – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better.
– Condensed from

If you found a $100 lying on the sidewalk, what would you do with it?

The major difficulty in cutting down on government expenses is the expenses have the votes.

Today’s Question: 8-out-of-10 married people will never do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Speak negatively about their spouses. (Might affect alimony?)

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

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