Wednesday, October 21, 2009        Edition: #4126

“America’s Got Talent” judge David Hasselhoff is reportedly set to star in an as-yet-untitled new A&E reality TV show alongside his daughters, 19-year-old Taylor & 17-year-old Hayley (because the price of booze isn’t getting any cheaper!) . . . Michael Jackson’s former personal physician Dr Conrad Murray says the King of Pop’s death has caused his financial ruin (well yeah, Mikey’s not paying for pills anymore) . . . 23-year-old actress Mischa Barton says she’s ‘glad’ her TV show “The Beautiful Life” was cancelled after just 2 airings because it means she can spend more time with friends (BS translation: I’ll be back in rehab in no time) . . . US Congress has passed a resolution honoring country music as a genre (far more important than universal healthcare) . . . Adam ‘Baller’ Jasinski, the 2008 winner of “Big Brother” (CBS) is facing up to 20 years in prison & a $1-million fine after allegedly using his $500,000 winnings to fund a drug-dealing business (finally someone to take over the title of biggest reality show ‘loser’ from “Survivor’s” Richard Hatch) . . . Fresh off her collaboration with Cobra Starship on “Good Girls Go Bad”, TV actress Leighton Meester (“Gossip Girl”) has teamed with R&B singer Robin Thicke for her ‘official’ debut single, “Somebody to Love” . . . And while tossing bundles of cash in the air to make a grand entrance at a BET show taping in NYC last week, celebrity show-off Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs accidentally flung a $20,000-ring into the audience, but he’s now shrugged it off, saying he never liked it anyway (see, it IS possible to have too much money).

• “The Hour” (CBC) – Snoop Dogg (“Malice N Wonderland”, due December 8th).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Dead By Sunrise (“Out of Ashes”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Paolo Nutini (“These Streets”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – John Fogerty (“The Blue Ridge Rangers Rides Again”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Paul McCartney (“Good Evening New York City”, to be released November 17th).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX) – The dancers compete in the 3rd and final part of the Las Vegas round.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Phoenix (“Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”).


• The Beatles – The complete version of the iconic “Abbey Road” album is now available for “The Beatles: Rock Band” videogame. Only 6 tracks had previously been included.
• Garth Brooks – He’s revealed that his much-talked-about ‘coming out of retirement’ involves performing 48 shows a year in the Encore Theater at the Wynn Las Vegas resort. He’ll do 4 shows per weekend, but only when there’s no conflict with family plans.
• Kanye West – An 11-minute video called “We Were Once a Fairytale”, made by movie director Spike Jonze (“Where the Wild Things Are”), has disappeared from Kanye’s website after a brief posting. It featured Kanye acting drunk and obnoxious (acting?), stabbing himself with a sword, then pulling a little demon out of his stomach. Then the demon stabs itself. (Wow, symbolism?)
• Taylor Swift – She now has her own signature guitar model to be built and distributed by Taylor Guitars (no relation), a company founded in 1974. It’s expected to sell for around $299 when it becomes available later this month. (Teardrops extra.)
• Tim McGraw – There’s a feature article about him and his new album, “Southern Voice”, in the current issue of “Reader’s Digest”.
• U2 – This Sunday’s “360” concert at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena CA will be streamed free, in full, and live on YouTube. ($300 ticket-holders must be thrilled.)


New cutting edge vocab …
• ‘Bully Offer’ – An aggressively high offer for a house, particularly one made before the official date that offers are to be accepted. (After the past year-and-a-half of real estate losses … bring it on!)
• ‘Cactus Legs’ – The feeling of a woman’s legs as a result of not having shaved recently. (“I couldn’t get her fishnets off because they kept snagging on her cactus legs.”)
• ‘Group Coupon’ – A consumer discount that only applies if a minimum number of people sign up for the deal. (“Get 4% off any meal when reservations are made for parties of 500 or more!”)


Adults with little Internet experience show changes in their brain activity after just one week online, a new UCLA finds. The results suggest that Internet training can stimulate neural activity and potentially enhance brain function and cognition in older adults. Researchers say additional studies will be needed to identify which aspects of online searching generate the greatest levels of brain activation. (Great, now you’re being cyber-stalked by a 90-year-old.)


• Australia – Horseracing officials are in hot water for holding a dwarf racing competition called the “Midget Cup” to promote Victoria state’s annual carnival during a race meet in Melbourne. The stunt involved 3 men charging down the racecourse with dwarves dressed in jockey silks riding piggyback. It’s being denounced by government officials and advocacy groups. (Why is this more offensive than slightly taller little jockeys riding horseback?)
– Reuters
• India – In one rural part of the country, the most beautiful love song is the sound of a … toilet flushing. Many women, spurred on by a “No Toilet, No Bride” campaign, are refusing to wed unless their betrothed promises them indoor plumbing. One mom in the town of Nilokheri says she won’t let her daughter near a guy who doesn’t have a latrine. Her 18-year-old daughter sums up her position by saying: “No loo, no I do.” (“Do you Rajeesh promise to love and cherish Sangeetha and provide a 4-gallon Crane in pearly white porcelain with double cyclone flush?”)
– “New York Post”
• Saudi Arabia – A woman is seeking a divorce from her husband of 17 years after snooping through his cellphone listings and discovering he’d nicknamed her ‘Guantanamo’ … as in the prison. The report suggests she might be willing to drop the divorce action and settle for ‘substantial’ financial compensation in order to stay married. (What odd name is your partner’s phone listing under?)
– “Al-Watan”


Want to get the most out of your exercise routine? Drink up! A study in the “Journal of Sports Medicine” claims exercisers who are slightly dehydrated work out for 10 minutes less than those who get enough water. The rule of thumb – drink 8 oz immediately before exercising, 4-8 oz every 15 minutes during a workout, and another 8 oz before hitting the shower. (Then spend the entire night in the john.)
– AP


Trend observers predict you’ll be seeing some famous faces this Halloween. Among them …
• David Letterman … Grey wig; round eyeglasses; blackened front tooth gap; young intern to hit on all night.
• Jon Gosselin (“Jon & Kate Plus 8”) … Ed Hardy T-shirt & jeans; 2 diamond stud earrings; sunglasses to protect eyes from paparazzi; a 20-something girlfriend.
• Kate Gosselin (“Kate Plus Eight”) … Chunky blond reverse mullet wig; bright colored top; dark blazer; slacks & wedge heels; Jon-proof lock on your purse.
• Kanye West … Oversized shutter shades; a lot to drink; leather polo shirt and plenty of bling; a young escort to pick on and wrestle a trophy from all night.
• Lady Gaga …. Leotard; fishnets; boots; leather gloves; platinum blond wig with bangs; retro-inspired sunglasses; a ‘poker face’.
• Michael Jackson … Shoulder-length black wig; tattoo-look eyeliner, eyebrows; aviators; a lone, sequined glove; M&Ms ‘pills’ to pop every 5 minutes.
• Octomom … Sweats or yoga pants; long black wig; giant red lips; 8 plastic baby dolls.
• Roller Derby Girl … Get the “Whip It” look with an altered Girl Scouts uniform; roller skates; helmet; elbow and knee pads; knee-high socks over fishnets; kick-butt attitude.
– Adapted from

The International Awards for Liveable Communities has selected the town of Gibsons, British Columbia (population 4,000) as the ‘World’s Most Liveable Town’ among communities with fewer than 20,000 residents. Gibsons is the southernmost community on BC’s Sunshine Coast, a 40-minute ferry ride northwest of Vancouver. It was picked in part because of its commitment to healthy living and environmental sustainability. (We would have thought it was a toss up between Springfield and Mayberry RFD.)

They’ll be seeing double at graduation ceremonies next spring at Pomperaug High School in Southbury CT. That’s because the senior class includes 13 sets of twins … 4 identical and 9 fraternal. The kids think they’re eligible for the “Guinness Book of World Records”.

October is the most likely month for managers to be fired, according to employment stats.
– “Social Studies”
• You find a U-Haul brochure on your desk.
• Co-workers keep asking for first dibs on your chair.
• Everyone in the office has a pool ticket with a date on it … except you.


1942 [67] Judy Sheindlin, Brooklyn NY, TV judge (“Judge Judy” since 1996)

1956 [53] Carrie Fisher, Beverly Hills CA, movie actress (‘Princess Leia’ in original “Star Wars” trilogy)/author (“Postcards From the Edge”)/screenwriter (“The Wedding Singer”)

1978 [31] Michael McMillian, Olathe KS, TV actor (Steve Newlin’ on “True Blood” since 2008)

1980 [29] Kim Kardashian, Los Angeles CA, socialite/apparel retailer/TV personality (“Beyond the Break” 2009; “Dancing With the Stars” 2008, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” since 2007)/sometime girlfriend of NFL player Reggie Bush (New Orleans Saints)


• “Babbling Day”, a day of tolerance for those who run off at the mouth … unless they’re on-the-air. Radio rule #1: ‘Tis better to be brief than boring.

• “International Day Of the Nacho”, celebrating the popular snack food that originated in Mexico. First created circa 1943 by Ignacio ‘Nacho’ Anaya while working at a restaurant called the Victory Club in Piedras Negras, the original nachos consisted of fried tortilla chips covered with melted cheese and jalapeno peppers.

• “Overseas Chinese Day”, when thousands of Chinese go back to their homeland for special celebrations.

• “Reptile Day”, a day of cold-blooded appreciation.

• “Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day”. They’re the people who cheerlead the success of your community.

1997 [12] Elton John’s tribute to Princess Diana, “Candle In the Wind 1997”, is declared the ‘Largest-Selling Single Record’ of all-time by the “Guinness Book of Records” after it surpasses Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” by selling 31.8 million copies

1849 [160] 1st ‘Tattooed Man’, James O’Connell, is put on exhibition at NYC’s Franklin Theater

1879 [130] 1st practical ‘Electric Light Bulb’ demonstrated by Thomas Edison (before that, what appeared over peoples’ heads when they had an idea?)


1918 [91] Margaret Owen of NYC sets ‘Typing Speed Record’ of 170 wpm … on a manual typewriter, with no errors! (Mom, what’s a typewriter?)

[Thurs] Microsoft’s ‘Windows 7′ is released
[Thurs] Caps Locks Day
[Thurs] International Stuttering Awareness Day
[Fri] “Amelia”; “Astro Boy”; “Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant”; “Saw VI” open in movie theaters
[Sun] Mother-in-Law Day
This Week Is … YMCA Teen Week
This Month Is … International Doll Collectors Month


We’ve been told over & over that high-priority groups to receive the H1N1 vaccine (if and when it arrives) include pregnant women, children under 2, and those with underlying medical conditions. So who’s lowest on the totem pole based on their exposure to others? How about …
• Lighthouse keepers.
• Christian Science reading room employees.
• Psychic Friends Network operators.
• “Donkey Kong” world record seekers.
• Detroit Lions food vendors.
• North Korean tour guides.
• Dodge Caliber sales reps.
• The Maytag repairman.
– Thanks to Sarah Garb.


What alcoholic drink can you never drink again?


• “What’s wrong?” = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = I liked it better before.
• “I like that one better” = Pick any freakin’ dress on the rack and let’s go out.
• “I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together” = I’m gay.

• “Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs.
• “This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house.
• “I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• “You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me, jerk.


Muggers demand your money or your life. Spouses demand both.


• This happens to a baseball 5 times before it is used in a League Championship game …
a. It gets weighed. [CORRECT. They’re weighed 5 times before any Major League game.]
b. It gets thrown against a wall.
c. It gets washed.

• You’re having breakfast in Copenhagen and decide you’d like a Danish pastry with your coffee. But in Denmark it’s not called a ‘Danish’. What should you ask for?
a. Finnish sweets.
b. Norwegian nuggets.
c. Swedish buns. [CORRECT. And nice buns they are!]


Today’s Question: A quarter of us admit that we’ve done THIS while at work.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Looked for another job.


Life is a riddle; unfortunately the answer’s not written on the back of anything.

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