Monday, October 9, 2006        Edition: #3382
Get Your BS Here, Hot ‘N Fresh!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BITS:
• 36-year-old “Grey’s Anatomy” star Ellen Pompeo (‘Dr Meredith Grey’) says she gets upset when people criticize her natural body shape. Being naturally thin is the only body type that is not accepted, she says, while rejecting claims that she doesn’t eat. (Why, she ate an entire olive just yesterday.)
– Contact Music
• “Lost” stars Dominic Monaghan & Evangline Lilly are reportedly planning to get married. The couple have been trying to keep their romance private to avoid pressure on the relationship, but family members confirm they’ll wed NEXT SUMMER. (Unless the hatch reappears and sucks them off the face of the Earth.)
– “News of the World”
• ‘80s pop duo Wham! are reforming for a one-off concert 20 years after their split. George Michael has apparently persuaded his former partner-in-pop Andrew Ridgeley and their original backup singers Pepsi & Shirlie to reunite for a show this holiday season at London’s Wembley Arena. (The only thing that might prevent it from happening is if they let George drive.)
– “Sunday Mirror”
• Legendary 70-year-old French fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent  is currently resting at home after collapsing outside his Paris boutique a day after showing his collection in the city’s “Fashion Week”. His reps deny he was hospitalized, claiming he simply lost his footing. (He should leave those 4-inch spikes for the models.)
– “Daily Mail”
• The script for a 4th “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie is being developed to follow the 2007 sequel “At Worlds End”, and word has it a number of roles will disappear in a quest to cut production costs. Among the roles deemed ‘unnecessary’ are Orlando Bloom’s character ‘Will Turner’. Johnny Depp & Keira Knightley are said to be unaffected. (What should the 4th film be called … “Pirates of the Caribbean: Seniors’ Home”?)
– “Daily Star Sunday”
• Paris Hilton has topped a poll of the most overexposed celebrities as compiled by “Forbes” magazine. Also on the ‘makes us wanna retch list’: Jessica Simpson, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. (Talk about a no brainer list!)
– “E! First Look”
• 16-year-old Australian actress Keisha Castle-Hughes is expecting her first child with boyfriend Bradley Hull. The Oscar nominee was just 13 when she met her now 19-year-old boyfriend. In case you’ve forgotten, she received a ‘Best Actress’ nomination for the 2002 movie “Whale Rider”. (Was that about a Sperm Whale?)
– “People Magazine”
• And it’s just been confirmed that “Desperate Housewives” star Marcia Cross & her new hubby Tom Mahoney are expecting twins. The couple, who wed in JUNE, recently announced she was due to give birth in APRIL. (Now it seems she’s eating for THREE!).
– TMZ.com

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Big & Rich – SATURDAY they performed in an Atlanta benefit concert to raise funds for the ‘173rd Airborne Brigade National Memorial’ to be built at the new National Infantry Museum in Fort Benning GA. Lynyrd Skynyrd was also on the bill.
• Blink 182 – The defunct band’s drummer Travis Barker may have to postpone gigs for his new band +44 after finding out he’s been playing with a broken arm for 3 weeks and may possibly have a tumor in the arm. Wow, that’s even more painful than dating Paris Hilton.
• Fergie – TONIGHT she performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Guns N’ Roses – Latest word has the long overdue album “Chinese Democracy” coming out on NOVEMBER 21st. It’s reportedly cost more than $13 million and has been ‘due out’ since 1998 … so don’t bet on this release date either.
• Gwen Stefani – She’s hard at work on a follow-up to “Love.Angel.Music.Baby.”, with a new album expected out by the end of the year.
• James Blunt – TODAY he guests on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated).
• Jennifer Lopez – A private jet company is suing her & her hubby for failing to pay $35,000 for 2 chartered flights. The suit is against Marco & Jennifer Muniz, using Marc Anthony’s real surname.
• Jimmy Buffett – He’s been detained, fined the equivalent of $380, and then released after French authorities at the St Tropez airport found more than 100 tabs of ecstasy in his luggage.
• The Killers – TONIGHT they’re on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) … again.
• Madonna – While visiting an orphanage in Malawi, she handed out copies of her book “English Roses” to AIDS orphans. The book is about spoiled little English girls learning a lesson about envying the lives of others … sure to be meaningful to kids in one of Africa’s poorest countries.
• Rod Stewart – TODAY he faces the panel on daytime TV’s “The View” (ABC).

PREPOSTEROUS PRIZES:
The 16th annual “Ig-Nobel Prize Ceremony” at Harvard University in Cambridge MA has handed out the satirical alternative to the “Nobel Prizes” by honoring thinkers who are either ‘eccentrically brilliant’ or ‘brilliantly eccentric’. They usually involve amusing or improbable research. This year’s winners include …
• Ivan Schwab of the University of California at Davis for exploring why woodpeckers don’t get headaches.
• Howard Stapleton of Merthyr Tydfil, Wales for inventing ‘teenager repellant’, an electro-mechanical device that makes annoying noise audible to teens but not to adults.
• A group of Northwestern University researchers for conducting experiments to learn why people dislike the sound of fingernails scraping on a blackboard.
• Francis Fesmire of the University of Tennessee for his medical case report “Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage”.
• A pair of French scientists from the Université Pierre & Marie Curie in Paris for their insights into why, when you bend dry spaghetti, it often breaks into more than 2 pieces.
• Two researchers at the Australian Commonwealth Scientific & Research Organization for calculating the number of photos you must take to ensure nobody in a group photo has their eyes closed.
• Bart Knols of Wageningen Agricultural University in the Netherlands for showing that the malaria mosquito is attracted equally to the smell of limburger cheese and the smell of human feet.
NET: http://improbable.com/

HIRE A BIG BROTHER:
For adult Internet users ready to admit that they’re in the grip of a higher power, there is ‘Covenant Eyes’, a website that will keep track of all the other websites you visit – then e-mail this potentially incriminating list to an ‘accountability partner’ of your choosing. ‘Covenant Eyes’ even rates websites on a sort of taboo scale (the higher the score, the raunchier), so that your spouse or pastor can tell at a glance whether you’ve been poring over market research online or taking in a peepshow. (Odds of them finding this e-mail amongst all the spam for adult sites … zero.)
NET: http://www.covenanteyes.com/
– “Social Studies”

MEN BEAR THE BRUNT:
30 years ago both men and women rated a joke funnier when a female was the butt of it. But recent research suggests that’s no longer true. So has equality arrived? Not really, things have gone the other way – nowadays women find jokes about women less funny than jokes about men. (Men are like government bonds – they take way too long to mature. Men are like mascara – they run at the first sign of emotion.)
– “Psychology Today”

DOUBLE DUTY:
Eccentric North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il has hired doubles to carry out his more mundane tasks, according to South Korean intelligence officials. While Kim himself attends major state occasions, 2 men stand in for him for more routine visits to tractor factories or farms. They are said to be the spitting image of Kim – the same age, same height and with the same bouffant hairstyle and pot belly. (So [co-host], you’ve been moonlighting, huh?)
– “Daily Telegraph”

PACKING HIDDEN HEAT:
Don’t you hate it when you’re carrying and some sharp-eyed security guard spots your concealed weapon? That’s why veteran holster and knife designer Blackie Collins has come up with “Toters Jeans”, designer-style jeans that also happen to be ‘concealed-carry clothing’, so you can pack your gat, knives and other armaments and keep them completely hidden. (Is that shotgun in your left pant-leg or are you just wearing a wooden leg?)
NET: http://www.blackiecollins.com/
– “Globe & Mail”

FUNNY NEWS IS BETTER:
You don’t have to suffer through boring regular newscasts in order to get the news. A new study from Indiana University says “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” is just as substantive as traditional news programs like “World News Tonight” and “The CBS Evening News”.In fact, researchers have found that network news stories about the US election are significantly shorter, on average, than Stewart’s stories. (And also contain far less mugging to the camera.)
– “The Star”

AND WE QUOTE:
“Their shoes fall off, did you know that?”
– Killers’ frontman Brandon Flowers telling “GQ” magazine what happens when you accidentally hit someone wandering on a freeway while driving 50 mph. Flowers says the experience of having the drunken pedestrian hit his windshield has become even more traumatic because he’s never been told what happened to the victim.

THE BULL SHEET 10.09.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [58] Jackson Browne, Heidelberg, Germany, classic rock musician (“Running On Empty”)

1952 [54] Sharon Osbourne (Arden), London UK, talent manager/TV personality (“The Osbournes”, “The X-Factor” in the UK)/Mrs Ozzy Osbourne since 1982

1953 [53] Tony Shalhoub, Green Bay WI, TV actor (3 Emmy Awards for ‘Adrian Monk’ on “Monk”)

1979 [27] Brandon Routh, Des Moines IA, movie actor (‘Clark Kent/Superman’ in “Superman Returns”)  FACTOID: “Superman Returns” will be out on DVD NOVEMBER 28th, with more than 3 hours of ‘bonus features’.

1981 [25] Zachery Ty Bryan, Aurora CO, movie actor (“The Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift”)/former TV actor (“Home Improvement” 1991-99)

1992 [14] Tyler James Williams, Westchester County NY, TV actor (‘Chris’ on “Everybody Hates Chris” since 2005)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Columbus Day” in America, a lame excuse for a holiday if there ever was one. It commemorates  Christopher Columbus’ October 12th, 1492 ‘discovery of the New World’, which had already been discovered by Vikings, Siberians, Natives, Aztecs and many others centuries before. It’s a holiday in DC and for all federal employees, observed on the 2nd Monday in October since 1971. The odds of you having a holiday today seem to increase the closer you live to the Eastern Seaboard. We think all Americans should get the day off!

• “Dessert Day”. OK, what’s the all-time most sinfully delicious, can’t stop snortin’ it dessert? Cherry cheesecake? Tiramisu? (It’s been called ‘Heaven In Your Mouth’.)

• “Hispanic Heritage Day”, a highlight of “Hispanic Heritage Month”. According to the US Census Bureau, close to 30 million people in America are of Hispanic origin.

• “International Alan Day”, celebrating anyone with the name ‘Alan’, ‘Allan’, ‘Alannis’, ‘Al’, ‘Allen’ or anything vaguely in the area.

• “John Lennon’s 66th Birth Anniversary” (1940-80), celebrated with 2 international peace events: the unveiling of the “Imagine Peace Tower” in Reykjavik, Iceland; and the awarding of the “Lennon-Ono Grants for Peace” to Doctors Without Borders and the Center for Constitutional Rights.

• “Leif Erikson Day” in Norway and Iceland, commemorating the Viking explorer’s discovery of North America (‘Vinland’) circa 1000 AD – almost 500 years before Columbus.

• “Thanksgiving Day” in Canada, a yearly tradition since 1879. It was originally celebrated at the same time as in the US, but was eventually moved to the 2nd Monday of October to reflect the earlier harvest season.

• “UN World Post Day”, honoring the founding of the Universal Postal Union in 1874. Today the UPU, with 189 member countries, oversees the co-ordination of the global postal service. (When’s the last time you actually wrote something on a piece of paper and mailed it snail-mail?)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1986 [20] ‘FOX’ TV network debuts (“The Late Show”, starring Joan Rivers)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1946 [60] 1st ‘Electric Blanket’ (Simmons Co charges $39.50)

2003 [03] New peach-colored US $20 bill goes into circulation, featuring enhanced security features & background colors

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [10] World’s ‘Largest Grilled Cheese Sandwich’ (a 3,000-lb monster made by Kraft Foods)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Emergency Nurses Day
[Thurs] Farmers Day
[Thurs] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Emergency Nurses Week / Fire Prevention Week / Home-Based Business Week / Chestnut Week / Metric Week / School Lunch Week / Improve Your Home Office Week

BULL’S BITS

HOW DID WE EVER SURVIVE?
• As children, our cribs were painted with bright-colored, lead-based paint which we chewed.
• We rode in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
• Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was a special treat, not a danger.
• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, no special locks on cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
• We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle.
• Some students weren’t as smart as others so they failed a year and were held back to repeat the same grade.
• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. During that time, no one was able to reach us.

BS PHONE STARTER:
• What’s your favorite day of the week? Why?
• Let’s say you are being sent to live on the International Space Station for 3 months and you are only allowed to bring 3 personal items with vou. What would they be?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 10% of the world’s population never does THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Kisses. It’s not part of their culture.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.


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