Monday, October 18, 2010           Edition: #4362
When You Can’t Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!

• Today the first scheduled ‘family day’ for Betty Ford Center patient Lindsay Lohan is scheduled. Mom Dina Lohan reportedly flew in from NYC Sunday, bringing all 3 of her other children, Ali, Michael Jr, and Cody. Definitely NOT included is Dina’s ex, Michael Lohan. Among other things, it will be a ‘jam-packed therapy session’, a source claims. (Shouldn’t they be trying to keep her away from these freaks?)
• “Lord Of the Rings” filmmaker Peter Jackson has finally been given the greenlight to start shooting the much-delayed prequel, “The Hobbit”, in mid-February. Production has been stalled for months, during which his first choice for director, Guillermo Del Toro, quit to take another project. Reports suggest Jackson himself is now set to direct, as well as write and executive produce. But before he can start work on the ambitious project, he needs to resolve an actors union dispute in his native New Zealand, where he hopes to shoot the movie. (They should retitle this movie “Snakebit”.)
• Saturday a rare sheet of 10 postage stamps featuring late movie star Audrey Hepburn fetched 430,000 euros ($606,000) at a charity auction in Berlin. The German Postal Service printed 14 million of the stamps in 2001 depicting the actress as ‘Holly Golightly’ in the film “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” but her son refused to grant copyright, saying the image had been altered. All but a few sheets were subsequently destroyed. (Is that what postage is up to … 60 grand a stamp?)
• “How I Met Your Mother” star Neil Patrick Harris & partner David Burtka have become fathers to twins, ‘Gideon Scott’ & ‘Harper Grace’. The babies, born October 12th via surrogate, are the first for Harris, but Burtka already has twins from a previous relationship. Harris has broken the news via Twitter post, saying: “All of us are happy, healthy, tired, and a little pukey.” (Two male partners with 2 sets of twins … now THERE is a reality TV show!)
• Russian baby-bearer Oksana Grigorieva’s latest addition to her legal team is refuting a report that says her client has had at least 39 lawyers working for her in her legal war with Mel Gibson. Attorney Lisa Bloom says that’s just not true, claiming “Oksana is a single mother of two who’s gone into debt fighting for simple justice.” The report says at least 18 of Oksana’s lawyers have submitted bills to the court totaling more than $1 million, and they’ve asked the judge to make Mel foot the bill. (When this is over, the final score will be 4 shattered lives to several dozen stinking filthy rich attorneys.)
• And Barbara Billingsley, who played one of TV’s most iconic and beloved moms, ‘June Cleaver’ on “Leave It to Beaver” (1957-63), died Saturday in Santa Monica CA at age 94. Billingsley reprised her role in several revivals of the show and even in a 1997 feature film. Episodes of the sitcom can still be seen on TVLand. (Baby boomers will remember her as the kindly presence who admonished ‘Ward’ not to be ‘too hard on the Beaver’.)

• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The remaining couples perform to iconic TV theme songs. (“Gilligan’s Island”?)
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – MGMT (“Congratulations”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Nas & Damian Marley (“Distant Relatives”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Sarah McLachlan (“Laws of Illusion”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Maroon 5 (“Hands All Over”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Neon Trees (“Habits”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Olivia Newton-John (“Grace & Gratitude Renewed”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Weezer (“Hurley”).

• Britney Spears – Following her recent appearance on “Glee” (FOX), she’s reportedly been working on a new album. Sources tell TMZ she already has 3 songs in the can that she loves, but there’s no word yet on when the new album might come out.
• Dierks Bentley – He’s playing NY for 4 nights beginning tonight, each night showcasing a different aspect of his career in 4 different venues across the city. Opening acts include the Del McCoury Band and the Punch Bros.
• Madonna – Word has it she’s ended her 2-year romance with 24-year-old Brazilian boy-toy Jesus Luz. She’s been spotted with her choreographer Brahim Rachiki at NYC’s SL nightclub, where they did far more than just dance, according to gossip column Page Six.
• Michael Jackson – A Taiwanese salesman who’s still a big fan creates scarecrows resembling the King of Pop, complete with crotch grab, to chase away birds in central Changhua County.
• Rolling Stones – Keith Richards’ new autobiography, “Life” (out October 26th), is being excerpted in “The Times of London”. Among the revelations so far: He refers to Mick Jagger as ‘Her Majesty’ or ‘Brenda’; he hasn’t been in Mick’s dressing room in 20 years; and former girlfriend Marianne Faithfull had no fun with Mick’s ‘tiny todger’. More here …
• TI – Friday he was sentenced to 11 more months in prison for parole violations even though he stated in court:  “I screwed up big time, and I’m truly and sincerely sorry. I don’t want and I don’t need to use drugs anymore. I want them out of my life.”

University of Chicago researchers say we can expect to have no more than 5.3 unhappy years during the rest of our lives after age 30. Research shows that once we reach that landmark, we can look forward to mostly good times. Women can expect close to 46 happy years after 30; and men 43. (Yee haw!!!! …. where’d I put my teeth?)

In her book, “Queen Elizabeth’s Wooden Teeth & Other Historical Fallacies”, researcher & author Andrea Barham debunks the following myths …
• Vikings wore horned helmets. In fact, no examples of such helmets have ever been found.
• Slaves built the pyramids. Slavery wasn’t widespread in Egypt, and it was actually a skilled workforce that did the work. Peasants did the manual labor when it wasn’t farming season.
• Sir Walter Raleigh brought tobacco back from the New World. Tobacco was doing the rounds several years before Sir Walter’s birth in 1552. He was introduced to it by Sir Francis Drake.

Where is the best place, in general, to sit on a plane? You’ll likely experience a quieter ride – and less turbulence – in the front, where the plane is more stable. So if you tend to get air sick, aim for the first few rows. Up front, you’ll avoid the annoyance of being near the bathrooms, the galley, or the engines. And for those who fear the worst, statistics show you have a better chance of surviving a plane crash in the front. (That’s why the rich people are up there … as well as the pilot.)
– Associated Press

A few of the overused, ‘Brolicious’ pics guys post online in order to appear ‘cool’ …
• Leg up on a coffee table/chair/ledge, fist on hip, other arm pointing out yonder.
• Posing with expensive bottles of booze.
• Holding a cigar.
• Throwing ‘the shocker’ or another equally lame hand gesture.
• Creeping in the background of hot girls’ pictures.
• Leaning against an expensive car.
• Always wearing a hat.
• Passed out on a couch.

Ever wondered what the healthiest breakfast booze might be? A scientist tells us perhaps
a red wine-based cocktail would be the best solution. To that end, it’s suggested you try what’s called a ‘Dark Side’ – red wine, cola, ice, and a slice of orange & lemon. (Not as tasty as champagne and orange juice or as effective as a good old fashioned ‘Calgary redeye’ … beer and tomato juice with a shot of Worcestershire.)

• Drivers of Mercedes-Benz SL-Class convertibles are the most likely to receive traffic tickets, according to a new ranking by Verisk Analytics Inc. Drivers of those vehicles are cited about 4 times as often as the average motorist. (If you can afford the car, you can afford the fines.)
• The West Bank desert town of Jericho is celebrating its 10,000th anniversary. The locality, which hopes to become a tourism hub, boasts that it is the world’s oldest and lowest-lying town. (“Come for the history … stay for the war.”)
– Associated Press


1926 [84] Chuck Berry, St Louis MO, rock ‘n roll pioneer (“Johnny B Goode”, “Roll Over Beethoven”)/Lifetime Achievement Grammy Award (1984)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986)

1960 [50] Jean-Claude Van Damme (Van Varenberg), Brussels, Belgium, action movie actor (“Universal Soldier”, “Double Impact”)  UP NEXT: “Kung Fu Panda 2: The Kaboom of Doom” (2011)

1980 [30] Josh Gracin, Westland MI, country singer (“Cover Girl”, “Nothin’ to Lose”)/”American Idol” finalist (2003)

1982 [28] Ne-Yo (Shaffer Chimere Smith), Camden AR, pop & R&B singer/songwriter/producer (“Miss Independent”, “So Sick”)  COMING UP: His 4th studio album, “Libra Scale”, to be released November 22nd.

1984 [26] Freida Pinto, Mumbai, India, movie actress (“Slumdog Millionaire”)  UP NEXT: A prequel to the “Planet Of the Apes” series, “Rise Of the Apes” (2011).

1984 [26] Lindsey Vonn (Kildow), St Paul MN, alpine ski racer (2010 Winter Olympics gold & bronze)/World Cup champion (2008-10)/33 World Cup wins (most successful American woman skier in history)

1987 [23] Zac Efron, San Luis Obispo CA, movie actor (“High School Musical” movies, “Hairspray”)

1990 [20] Bristol Palin, Wasilla AK, single mom/reality TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars” 2010)/daughter of US political figure Sarah Palin

• “Alaska Day”, commemorating the formal transfer of Alaska from Russian to US control on this date in 1867 … one of the sneakiest real estate deals ever! The US paid $7.2 million, or less than 2 cents an acre. Nowadays,  20% of the oil produced in the US comes from Alaska.

• “No Beard Day”, an observance likely started by some guy’s extremely chapped partner.

• “Persons Day”, commemorating the anniversary of the 1929 ruling that declared women to be ‘persons’ in Canada (shouldn’t that be ‘people’?). Previously, under English common law, women were persons in matters of pains and penalties, but were not persons in matters of rights and privileges.

• “Watch a Squirrel Day”, celebrating those ubiquitous rodents with cute bushy tails. (Nuts to you!)

1954 [56] Comic strip “Hi & Lois” 1st appears in newspapers, created by “Beetle Bailey” cartoonist Mort Walker (now a collaboration of Brian & Greg Walker and artist Chance Browne, it appears in more than 1,100 newspapers in 37 countries in 10 languages)

1898 [112] Puerto Rico 1st becomes a US colony (hey, thanks a lot for J-Lo)

1977 [33] A session in Canada’s House of Commons is televised for the 1st time (are they supposed to have their heads down on the desks like that?)

1989 [21] in celebration of its 100th birthday, Fort Payne AL unveils the ‘World’s Largest Cake’, weighing in at 128,238 lbs (58,168 kg)

[Tues] Evaluate Your Life Day
[Wed] Medical Assistants Recognition Day
[Wed] Support Your Local Chamber of Commerce Day
[Wed] MOBO Awards (London)
[Thurs] International Credit Union Day
[Thurs] International Stuttering Awareness Day

Character Counts Week / Chemistry Week / Food & Drug Interaction Awareness Week / Food Bank Week / Forest Products Week / Freedom From Bullies Week / Freedom of Speech Week / Infertility Awareness Week / International Credit Union Week / Lead Poisoning Prevention Week / Massage Therapy Week / School Bus Safety Week / Teen Read Week


A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• When: Most blues begin “Woke up this morning …”. “Round about midnight …” is also acceptable. You cannot have the blues during lunch.
• Who: You have the right to sing the blues if you’re blind, if you shot a man in Memphis, if you just can’t be satisfied, or if your name is ‘Big Mama’ or ‘Little Willie’. You do not have the right to sing the blues if you’re deaf, if you have a trust fund, or if your name is ‘Gavin’ … no matter how many men you shoot in Memphis.
• Where: Good places for the blues include the highway or the jailhouse. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall … the lighting is wrong.
• What: “Walkin” plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does “fixin’ to die”.
• Vehicles: Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation includes a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. You can’t have the blues in a hybrid.
• Beverages: Blues drinks include wine, whiskey, and muddy water. Non-blues drinks include any mixed drink, tea, or Snapple.

You read the story while a caller/guest/crew member provides appropriate sound effects as best they can. Today’s story is called “Raking the Leaves” . . .
You walk outside and take a deep breath of the crisp, Autumn air [SFX]. You hear geese overhead flying south for the Winter [SFX]. You open up the garage door [SFX], and knock over a bunch of shovels and rakes leaning against the wall [SFX], causing you to mutter under your breath [SFX]. You select a rake and begin raking at the far side of the yard, whistling while you work [SFX]. You’re startled when you poke the neighbor’s yappy Yorkie who’s hiding under the leaves [SFX]. You finally have all the leaves raked into one big pile, and let out a sigh of relief [SFX], just as a giant gust of wind blows them back all over your yard [SFX], causing you to mutter under your breath [SFX].

How many shirt buttons should a guy wear undone to appear hot?

[Co-host] isn’t feeling well. He has a small piece of brain lodged in his skull.

Today’s Question: In a chick magazine poll, 28% of readers admit they don’t know THIS about their man.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The number of his past sexual partners. (“Glamour”)

Hindsight shows you how a mistake looks from the rear.

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