Friday, October 18, 2013           Edition: #5083

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

• TV talk show host Conan O’Brien has reportedly made a pitch to musician and fellow baseball fan Jack White about buying a team. Neither has Major League-type money (O’Brien is worth an estimated $75 million; White is less blessed at $30 million) but the two are said to be in talks to buy a minor league outfit together. Word has it they’ve already met with LA Dodgers management in the past week. (Dodgers minor league affiliates include: Albuquerque Isotopes, Chattanooga Lookouts, Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, and – the perfect team for Conan – Great Lakes Loons.)
• Kris Humphries has made a $500,000-profit by auctioning the engagement ring he gave Kim Kardashian before their ill-fated 72-day marriage. The Brooklyn Nets player paid $250,000 for the 16.2-karat emerald-cut stone surrounded by 1.8-karats of side-diamonds back in 2011, but the bauble sold for $749,000 this week at Christie’s Auction House in NYC. Kardashian is said to have happily returned the ring, bragging that new beau Kanye West would give her a flawless diamond to make her old one look like a Cracker Jack prize. (Meow!)
• Prince William & Kate Middleton have reportedly chosen longtime friends (and commoners) Fergus Boyd and Emilia d’Erlanger to be Prince George’s godparents. The palace has yet to confirm the news, but the choice definitely reflects Will & Kate’s non-traditional values. Boyd lived with Will & Kate in their university days, when the pair first fell in love. D’Erlanger, a high school friend of Kate’s, reportedly introduced the two. We likely won’t get any official word until baby George’s christening, coming up Wednesday. (Our bets were on Prince Harry and Pippa.)
• Lindsay Lohan’s newest love interest is Liam Dean, a 19-year-old New York-based model who she’s been spotted with on numerous occasions as of late, including a weekend visit to a NYC nightclub. Lohan’s publicist denies the two are dating, saying any reports of a relationship are ‘completely false’. But an insider says she was previously with an 18-year-old, so she seems to be into younger men at the moment. Lohan has been trying to keep a low profile since her release from rehab this past Summer. (Dating children … that’ll do it!)
• And 66-year-old convicted felon OJ Simpson is already planning his post-prison profession, his manager revealing he wants to be a … TV evangelist. Norman Pardo claims OJ has found his spiritual side, has become very religious, and has been counseling other inmates with Bible studies for months. Word has it he’s looking to model himself on televangelist Frederick Price and negotiations are already underway for a TV deal. OJ calls his religious movement ‘Holy Safari’. (We call it ‘Holy Sheet’.)

• “Arsenio Hall” (syndicated) – Tonight 11-year-old Lil P-Nut (“You Might Be the One”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Tonight Brett Kissel (“Started With a Song”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Kanye West (“Yeezus”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight The Men (“New Moon”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Drake (“Nothing Was the Same”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight White Denim (“Corsicana Lemonade”).
• Mark Twain Prize for American Humor (Washington DC) – Sunday the 16th annual gala at the Kennedy Center, as a star-studded lineup salutes this year’s honoree, veteran comedian; TV, Broadway, and movie actress Carol Burnett. The special airs on PBS-TV October 30th.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Vintage Trouble (“The Bomb Shelter Sessions”). Rerun.
• Treasure Island Festival (San Francisco CA) – Saturday-Sunday the lineup for the 2013 edition features Animal Collective, Atoms for Peace, Beck, Haim, Sleigh Bells and more.

• Beyoncé – Her new tour rider has been leaked online and some of her demands include: No cameras backstage, a baby-proofed dressing room with all-white furniture, all food served on a crisp white tablecloth, room temperature set at exactly 72 F. (Compared to Mariah Carey, piece of cake.)
• Capital Cities / Fitz & The Tantrums – Sunday the 2 Los Angeles-based bands kick off their co-headlining “Bright Futures Tour” in Richmond VA. The trek runs through November 23rd in Milwaukee WI.
• Drake – His rescheduled “Would You Like A Tour?” begins tonight in Pittsburgh PA and wraps December 16th in Auburn Hills MI. Previously scheduled shows in Cleveland OH, Saskatoon SK, and Winnipeg MB have been cancelled and tickets refunded.
• Garth Brooks – Tonight & tomorrow he’s back at Wynn’s in Las Vegas NV, where he previously had a long-term residency. He’ll also perform November 8-9. A total of 8 shows are scheduled, two on each date.
• Kanye West – His first solo tour in 5 years launches Saturday in Seattle WA and wraps December 7th in Houston TX, with Kendrick Lamar opening on all but 5 dates. The 23-city trek is in support of his latest opus, “Yeezus”. West last toured extensively with Jay Z in 2011.
• Keith Urban – Tonight the 2nd leg of his “Light the Fuse Tour” gets underway in Omaha NE. The 29-date North American trek continues until February 1st in Nashville TN.
• Tenacious D – Saturday they’re presenting “Festival Supreme”, a 1-day comedy & music festival on the Santa Monica Pier in Southern California. The lineup boasts 25 comedy acts, such as Adam Sandler, Eric Idle, Sarah Silverman, and Zach Galifianakis.

• “Broadway Idiot” ( NR Musical Documentary ): Green Day’s “American Idiot” Broadway show comes to movie theaters. The film follows frontman Billie Joe Armstrong from a punk rock concert at NYC’s Madison Square Garden to the opening of his musical on Broadway … only 10 blocks away. The movie is also available via Video On Demand services.
• “Carrie” ( R-Rated Horror Drama ): A re-imagining of Brian De Palma’s 1976 thriller about a shy girl who is shunned by peers and sheltered by a deeply religious mother. After being pushed too far at her senior prom, she unleashes telekinetic terror on her small town. Stars Chloe Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore. Based on a Stephen King novel.
• “Escape Plan” ( R-Rated Action Thriller ): When a structural-security authority finds himself set up and subsequently incarcerated in the world’s most secret and secure prison, he has to use his professional skills to escape, along with a little help from the inside. Stars Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent, Vincent D’Onofrio.
• “The Fifth Estate” ( R-Rated Biographical Thriller ): Director Bill Condon’s dramatic thriller is based on the real events surrounding cyber-snitch Julian Assange and his WikiLeaks website. Brit actor Benedict Cumberbatch portrays Assange. Co-stars Daniel Bruhl, Carice van Houten, Alicia Vikander. Two different books were used as the basis for the screenplay.
• “12 Years a Slave” ( R-Rated Historical Drama ): Writer-director Steve McQueen’s story is set in antebellum America, where a free black man named ‘Solomon Northup’ from upstate New York is abducted and sold into slavery. Stars Chiwetel Ejiofor (“Salt”, “2012”). Co-stars Michael K Williams, Michael Fassbender. Brad Pitt makes a cameo in the minor role of ‘Bass’.
• Opening in limited release: “All is Lost” (Action Drama); “Kill Your Darlings” (Drama).

Find the idea of curling up alone with a bottle of wine depressing? Now you don’t have to. Simply pour your cat a glass as well. A Japanese company has debuted a new wine for your kitty called ‘Nyan Nyan Nouveau’, a clever twist on France’s Beaujolais Nouveau. ‘Nyan nyan’ is the Japanese version of the sound a cat makes while meowing. Don’t worry, this special wine for your feline friend doesn’t have any alcohol but does have juice from Cabernet grapes, as well as catnip, and Vitamin C. The wine (whine?) is priced at $4 … but hurry! The company is only manufacturing 1,000 bottles. (No doubt it’s purr-fect with fish.)

Men should back away from the bacon if they want to make babies. Why? Men who eat processed meat like bacon or sausage have lower sperm quality, according to a new Harvard School of Public Health study. The reason may be that many beef producers give cattle natural or synthetic hormones to stimulate growth. On the other end of the ‘scale’, men who have a diet heavy in fish, especially white fish like cod or halibut, have the highest level of quality sperm … and more of it. (Seems there’s a reason they’re nicknamed ‘swimmers’.)

If dinner & a movie isn’t doing it for you anymore, try some of these fun date ideas …
• Take a chocolate-making class together. After all, chocolate is an aphrodisiac.
• Try trapeze school. Any physically-challenging activity will get your heart racing.
• Make your own wine or beer. You’ll feel like you created something together.
• Go to an old-school arcade. Even old-fashioned pinball can be a pulse-increasing activity.
• Go horseback riding. Women are known to enjoy the ‘stimulation’ of being in the saddle.
• Join a trivia night. Showing off knowledge is sexy, even if has to do with ‘80s one-hit-wonders.
• Improv lessons. If life is feeling way too serious, these can help you see the lighter side.
• Try skeet shooting. Target practice can give you a sudden adrenaline rush.
• Dance class. Dancing compels you to make eye contact and move together in harmony.
• Take massage lessons. Learning how to touch each other in new ways. How can you lose?
– Adapted from

Seems that ‘sugar high’ you experience after noshing on sweets may be more literal than you think. Connecticut College researchers have found that Oreos are as addictive as crack to lab rats. In fact, when rats snacked on the classic cookie, the pleasure centers of their brains  experienced an even greater activity surge than when they were given addictive drugs like cocaine and morphine. The study supports previous evidence that high-fat and high-sugar foods are addictive. Researchers think they may be even more of a danger than drugs because they’re accessible and affordable. (BTW, like humans, the lab rats break open the middle of an Oreo and eat it first.)
– “Globe & Mail”

A valley longer than the Grand Canyon is hidden beneath ice in Greenland.


1960 [53] Jean-Claude Van Damme (Van Varenberg), Brussels, Belgium, action movie actor (“The Expendables 2″, “Timecop”)

1979 [34] Ne-Yo (Shaffer Smith), Camden AR, pop-R&B singer-songwriter (“Let Me Love You”, “Miss Independent”)

1984 [29] Freida Pinto, Mumbai, India, movie actress (“Immortals”, “Slumdog Millionaire”)

1984 [29] Esperanza Spalding, Portland OR, jazz singer-musician (“Radio Song”, “I Can’t Help It”)

1987 [26] Zac Efron, San Luis Obispo CA, movie actor (“The Paperboy”, “High School Musical”)

1990 [23] Bristol Palin, Wasilla AK, reality TV personality (“Dancing With the All-Stars” 2012, “Dancing With the Stars” 2010)/daughter of US political figure Sarah Palin

Author John Le Carré (“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”) is 82; TV-movie actor John Lithgow (“Dexter”) is 68; TV personality Ty Pennington  (“Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”) is 49; TV producer-screenwriter Trey Parker (“South Park”) is 44; Movie director-screenwriter Jason Reitman (“Up In the Air”) is 36.

Classic rocker Tom Petty (& The Heartbreakers) is 63; Movie actor Viggo Mortensen (“Lord Of the Rings”) is 55; Rapper Snoopzilla (Lion/Dogg/Doggy Dogg) is 42; TV-movie actor John Krasinski (“The Office”) is 34; Indie rock bassist Paul Wilson (Snow Patrol) is 35; Indie rock bassist Daniel Tichenor (Cage the Elephant) is 34.


• “Alaska Day”, commemorating the formal transfer of Alaska from Russian to USA control on this date in 1867, one of the sneakiest real estate deals ever. The US paid $7.2 million or less than 2 cents an acre. Nowadays 20% of the oil produced in the US comes from Alaska.
• “Chocolate Cupcake Day”. They don’t count, right? They’re just little.
• “Hunters’ Moon”, the Full Moon of October, so-named because it allowed hunters of old to stalk the woods after dark. It’s also been called the ‘Beaver Moon’ as well as the ‘Frosty Moon’.
• “Mammography Day”, observed since 1993 on the 3rd Friday in October, “Breast Cancer Awareness Month”, to encourage women to undergo screening for breast cancer.
• “No Beard Day”, an observance likely started by some guy’s extremely chapped partner.
• “World Menopause Day”, a collaboration between the International Menopause Society and the World Health Organization for improving awareness on the subject.

• “Bridge Day”, the largest extreme sports event and largest gathering of BASE (Building, Antenna, Span) jumpers in the world, annually on the 3rd Saturday of October at the 876-ft-high New River Gorge Bridge in Fayetteville, West Virginia. Over 450 BASE jumpers from over 10 countries are expected to participate in the 34th annual event before some 200,000 spectators.
• “Evaluate Your Life Day”, a time to ‘sit back and reflect on your contribution to humanity and see if you’re really heading toward where you want to be’. Hey, it shouldn’t take long.
• “Greasy Spoon Day”, a time to remember your favorite place to eat back in the ‘good old days’. Is it still in business?

• “Brandied Fruit Day”. Yeehaw, let’s hear it for booze with a pit!
• “Information Overload Day”, the 5th annual observance that calls attention to the problem of info overload and how it impacts both individuals and organizations.
• “Monster Mash Day”. On this day in 1962 the novelty Halloween tune by Bobby ‘Boris’ Picket & The Crypt Kickers reached #1 and stayed there for 2 weeks.
• “World Osteoporosis Day”, focusing awareness on a major cause of bone fractures in older populations. It affects around 1-in-3 women and 1-in-5 men worldwide.
• “Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day“, observed on the 3rd Sunday of October to say thank-you to the teachers who work without pay to give children spiritual knowledge.

1922 [91] The British Broadcasting Company (BBC), the first national broadcasting corporation, is created

1977 [36] In Game 6 of the World Series vs LA Dodgers, NY Yankees slugger Reggie Jackson (‘Mr October’) hits 3 home runs off 3 consecutive pitches from 3 different pitchers (Yankees win the game and the series, the team’s first since 1962)

[Mon] Q Awards (London UK)
[Mon] Celebration Of the Mind Day
[Mon] Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day
[Mon] Reptile Awareness Day
[Tues] International Stuttering Awareness Day
This Week is … Chestnut Week
This Month is … Long Term Care Planning Month


Heading for Happy Hour this aft? Best to avoid …
• “DUI Friday’s”
• “The Pulled Groin”
• “The Lowered Standard”
• “At the Sign Of the Bloated Haggis”
• “Skeet ‘n Brew”
• “Fisticuffs”
• “The Double Wide”
• “The Rusty Tankard”
• “Get the Hell Inn”
• “Skank’s”
– Thanks to Stuart Wade

Some guy’s brains are like the prison system … not enough cells per man.

Which food could they not pay you enough to eat?

Question: A recent poll finds most of us dread doing THIS most on Saturdays and Mondays.
Answer: Making dinner.

Interchangeable parts won’t.

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