Monday, October 24, 2011        Edition: #4614
Sheet, Featuring Bull

• “X Factor” judge Nicole Scherzinger is said to be devastated after splitting up with her boyfriend of 4 years, British Formula 1 race car driver Lewis Hamilton, last week. Word has it she’s found an unlikely shoulder to cry on – 34 year-old “X Factor” emcee Steve Jones, who’s always been pleased to cultivate his reputation as a ladies’ man. An inside source says they’ve ‘become close’ and ‘he listens to her and makes her laugh’ when they meet up outside the studio. (Dude, that’s the oldest trick in the world!)
– “Daily Mirror”
• 92-year-old folk singer Pete Seeger put on an impromptu performance for the Occupy Wall Street protesters in NYC on Friday night, including the protest song “We Shall Overcome”, then joined a 30-block march through Manhattan that ended in the wee hours of Saturday morning. On Saturday, pop star Katy Perry & her actor/comedian-husband Russell Brand were among those visiting the protesters’ make-shift base in Zuccotti Park. (The true test of how committed these people are … how long it all lasts once the temp dips below freezing.)
• Paul McCartney has celebrated his marriage to Nancy Shevell again by throwing a 2nd wedding reception in NYC. The couple wed in London on October 9th, then honeymooned at Mick Jagger’s Caribbean villa in Mustique. Friday night’s reception at the Bowery Hotel in Manhattan was attended by the likes of Billy Joel, Dave Grohl, Elvis Costello, Jon Bon Jovi, Keith Richards, and Yoko Ono. (Least popular moment of the evening: “And now Yoko would like to serenade the new couple …”)
– “Sunday Telegraph”
• Just-turned-31 reality TV star Kim Kardashian has landed a real gig … a role in filmmaker Tyler Perry’s new movie “The Marriage Counselor”. Her previous screen credits include the forgettable films “Deep In the Valley” and “Disaster Movie”, but she claims this new role is ‘more substantial’. (BS translation: She actually has a line.)
• And ailing 94-year-old actress Zsa Zsa Gabor left LA’s UCLA Medical Center and returned home on the weekend following a 2-week stint in hospital to treat a high fever. She underwent 2 stomach surgeries and battled a bout of pneumonia during her stay, but is now recovering at home. Her husband, the self-styled ‘Prince Frederic von Anhalt’ (68), says his wife is ‘alert and looks good’. (This woman will … not … stay … down!)

• “Dancing With the Stars (ABC/CTV) – Kristin Chenoweth (“Some Lessons Learned”) performs; the remaining dance couples perform.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Harry Connick Jr (“In Concert on Broadway”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Michael Bublé (“Christmas”, out tomorrow).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Primus (“Green Naugahyde”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Wye Oak (“The Knot”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Amos Lee (“Mission Bell”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Beirut (“The Rip Tide”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Jane’s Addiction (“The Great Escape Artist”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Leann Rimes (“Lady & Gentlemen”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Sara Bareilles (“Kaleidoscope Heart”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Chris Isaak (“Beyond the Sun”).
• “Two-and-a-Half Men” (CBS) – “True Blood” star Joe Manganiello (‘Alcide’) makes a guest appearance, playing the smoldering hot boyfriend of ‘Walden’s ex-wife.
• “World Series” (FOX) – Demi Lovato performs the anthem before Game 5 in Arlington, Texas.

• Jennifer Lopez – She ran offstage sobbing after an acoustic performance of her 1999 hit “If You Had My Love” at the Mohegan Sun Arena in Uncasville, Connecticut on Saturday night. She subsequently explained to the audience the temporary breakdown was because it was the first song she ever wrote about love. (Her best acting since “Out of Sight”!)
• Justin Bieber – MTV reports that the album “Believe”, his follow-up to “My World 2.0”, is on its way in 2012.
• Kelly Clarkson – Today her 5th studio album, “Stronger”, is out. She’s been predicting the track “What Doesn’t Kill You” will become a ‘dance anthem’.
• Neil Young – Today his 3-DVD/2-CD collection “The Bridge School Benefit Concerts – 25th Anniversary Edition” is released, featuring rare acoustic performances by top artists at his annual benefit concert in Mountain View, California. Among them: Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, David Bowie, Paul McCartney, Pearl Jam, Simon & Garfunkel, Tom Petty, The Who and many more. To celebrate the release, the concert film from the DVDs will screen in theaters in select cities tonight for one night only.
• Paul Simon – Today “Songwriter” is out, a 2-disc set of 32 re-mastered tracks from throughout his career. Four of his classic albums are also being re-released today in re-mastered editions: “One Trick Pony”, “Hearts and Bones”, “Graceland”, and “The Rhythm Of the Saints”.
• Taylor Swift – In a new “Hollywood Reporter” interview, she says she’s already written 25 songs for her follow-up album to “Speak Now”. It’s not expected out until some time in 2012.
• Toby Keith – Today he releases the new album “Clancy’s Tavern”, which includes tracks recorded live at The Fillmore in NYC last year. This coming Sunday, Keith begins a 13-city European tour in Edinburgh, Scotland.

In a new UK survey, 1-in-5 British women say they seriously believe in something called ‘man-flu’. That would be the seemingly incurable disease which temporarily leaves sufferers prostrate on the sofa … watching televised sports. (The poll was supposed to be focused on old wives’ tales, but this one sounds more like it came from an old husband.)

Psychologists say this is the classic pattern of marital fights: The wife gets mad, the husband shuts down, the wife goes nuts. You shut down because you want to avoid a battle, but she thinks you’re avoiding (here comes that dreaded word) intimacy. A few alternatives …
• Tune In – If you’re seeing signs of frustration, start listening quickly, before things escalate.
• Address Her Concerns – Often, her anger is triggered because she believes something’s 1) unfair, 2) out of her control, or 3) a personal attack. Discuss each of these as calmly as you can.
• Make Eye Contact – If you can’t, it means you’re becoming angry. But if you can, it shows you’re listening.
• Find Areas of Agreement – Nothing disarms an attacker faster than taking her side, so find something … anything … to agree on.
• Own Up, Maturely – If you’re wrong, admit it. But don’t do it in a condescending way.
– Condensed from “Men’s Health”

A new study shows pregnant women may be able to control when they give birth, and their least favored day of the year for it is … Halloween. After studying years of medical records, Yale School of Public Health has found a 5.3% decrease in natural births and a 16.9% decrease in elected caesarean births on October 31st. Previously it was thought women were unable to influence the birth date of children, but this research suggests the symbolism of Halloween being connected to death and horror in some way encourages moms to refuse to take delivery on the day. (How do you know that ‘doctor’ wearing a mask is actually your obstetrician?)
– “Mother & Baby”

Relationship experts suggest the following might be clues to a man’s infidelity …
• He becomes super-protective of his gadgets. The main way secret trysts are discovered is via incriminating emails, texts, cellphone logs and bills.
• He steps up the grooming and/or he’s spending more time at the gym.
• He smells different. If he doesn’t smell the same as he did in the morning, it may be because he’s showered at her place.
• Nothing fazes him anymore. If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, you need to find out why.
• He becomes suspicious of you. It’s the result of him realizing that if he’s cheating and it’s not that difficult, you might also be getting away with it.
• Too Much Info – If you get extremely detailed responses to even your most innocent “How was work today?” queries, he may be preparing epic answers because he’s afraid of getting caught.
– Excerpted from “Cosmopolitan”

Anyone with a massive appetite, $2,000, and a death-wish can order an ‘Absolutely Ridiculous Burger’ from Mallie’s Sports Grill & Bar in suburban Detroit, Michigan. But that burger, which weighs 319 lbs (145 kg), isn’t quite as gargantuan as the one they cooked up on Thursday. They’re hoping they’ve broken their own Guinness Record with a 338-lb (153-kg) beast once it gets certified. This burger loses about 100 lbs of grease when cooked, then it’s topped with 15 lbs of lettuce, 30 lbs of bacon, 30 lbs of tomatoes, and 36 lbs of cheese. Not for calorie counters, it contains more than 540,000. Try to order ahead … it takes 22 hours to cook.
– “Detroit News”

A happily married woman will gain an average of 18 lbs (8 kg) in the first year of marriage, while a woman in an unhappy marriage will gain an average 43 lbs (19.5 kg).
– “New Body Magazine”


1947 [64] Kevin Kline, St Louis MO, movie actor (“No Strings Attached”, Academy Award-“A Fish Called Wanda”)

1979 [32] Ben Gillies, Newcastle, Australia, rock drummer (Silverchair-“Straight Lines”, “Tomorrow”)

1980 [31] Monica (Arnold), College Park GA, pop singer (“So Gone”, “Angel of Mine”)

1981 [30] Tila Tequila (Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen), Singapore, reality TV personality (“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2007-08, “Pants-Off Dance-Off” 2006)

1985 [26] Wayne Rooney, Liverpool UK, soccer superstar (Manchester United, England national team)

1986 [25] Drake (Aubrey Drake Graham), Toronto ON, rapper-singer-songwriter (“Headlines”, w/Lil Wayne-“She Will”)/former actor (“Degrassi: The Next Generation” 2001-09)

1989 [22] Shenae Grimes, Toronto ON, TV actress (‘Annie Wilson’ on “90210” since 2008, “Degrassi: The Next Generation” 2004-08)

• “Bologna Day”, a good day to fry up a slice to add to your peanut butter sandwich. Yummers!

• “United Nations Day”, honoring the 66th anniversary of the day in 1945 that the majority of the world’s countries adopted the charter that formed the UN.

1991 [20] “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry dies in Santa Monica, California at age 70 (years later, he becomes one of the first to have his ashes ‘buried’ in outer space)

1966 [45] Future parody songwriter Weird Al Yankovic takes his 1st accordion lesson

1901 [110] 1st person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel – and live – as 43-year-old Annie Edson Taylor of Bay City, Michigan expects to gain fame & fortune … but later dies in poverty

2008 [03] ‘Bloody Friday’ as many of the world’s stock exchanges experience the worst declines in their history, with drops of 10% or more on most indices

[Tues] Greasy Foods Day
[Tues] Punk for a Day Day
[Tues] World Pasta Day
[Wed] Johnny Appleseed Day
[Wed] Diwali begins (Hindu)
[Thurs] Cranky Co-workers Day

Disarmament Week / Massage Therapy Week / Pastoral Care Week / Peace, Friendship, and Goodwill Week / Prescription Errors Education & Awareness Week / Respiratory Care Week


A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• “Kellogg’s Lead Paint Flakes”
• “Nabisco Factory-Floor Mystery Mush”
• “Quaker Fruit ‘n Fish”
• “Shredded Weed”
• “Average Ordinary K”
• “New Post Gravy-O’s”
• “Drainola”
– First published in “BS” 1995.

William Shakespeare was arguably the most influential writer in the history of the English language and, let’s face it, one heck of an insult comic. Now there’s a handy online tool to create your own Shakespearean insults, thanks to Just start with the word ‘Thou’ and follow up with any combination of words from each of the 3 columns …

What habit does he/she have that drives you nuts?

• Which happens to a baseball 5 times before it is used in a World Series game?
a. It gets washed.
b. It gets autographed by each umpire.
c. It gets weighed. [CORRECT. Baseballs get weighed 5 times before being used in any MLB game.]

• A hitter on your favorite team has won the honorary ‘platinum sombrero’. What did he do?
a. Collected 5 walks in a game.
b. Hit 5 home runs in a game.
c. Struck out 5 times in a game. [CORRECT. Also known as the ‘Olympic Rings’.]

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Question: Studies show that THIS feeling wears off in about 3 weeks.
Answer: The excitement of getting a new car.

People occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times they pick themselves up and carry on.

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