Wednesday, October 26, 2011              Edition: #4616
Sheet Rocks!

Famous felon Lindsay Lohan, currently awaiting sentencing for probation violation while working at the LA County Morgue, has reportedly posed for a “Playboy” magazine nude photoshoot, for which TMZ says she’ll be paid close to $1 million (just like career councillors advise, the girl’s getting work using her best assets) . . . 42-year-old Jennifer Aniston has denied speculation she’s pregnant via new boyfriend Justin Theroux, telling Britain’s “Hello!” magazine she’s simply piled on some pounds since quitting smoking (some would say she still looks smokin’ – but that would be superficial) . . . 14 years after they won an Oscar for writing “Good Will Hunting”, Matt Damon & Ben Affleck will re-team for a new movie based on the life of Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger (Damon will play New England’s most notorious gangster, while Affleck produces, directs, and co-stars) . . . Rupert (Boneham), the one-time million-dollar fan favorite on “Survivor” (CBS), is reportedly running for governor of Indiana with a Libertarian platform calling for limited government interference (and an equal sharing of rice, hagfish, and any grubs that are foraged) . . . “Saturday Night Live” comic Darrell Hammond reveals in his new book, “God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F–-ed”, (out November 8th) how he drank and did cocaine while with the show and was once taken away from NBC in a straitjacket (well, John Belushi did set the bar high) . . . Miley Cyrus’ pop Billy Ray Cyrus has taken to Twitter to share what he claims is photographic evidence of his first UFO sighting (what would be even more shocking for him – a hit-record sighting) . . . And actor/comedian Eddie Murphy is attempting to lower expectations for his hosting gig at the 84th Academy Awards (February 26th) by saying, “I’m gonna be the worst host that’s ever hosted the show” (for once, we actually agree with you).

• “HALO Awards” (TeenNick) – Nick Cannon hosts that gala in Los Angeles at which Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Jessica Biel, and David Beckham honor 4 teens for the good deeds they have done this year. “HALO” stands for ‘Helping And Leading Others’.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Frank Turner (“England Keep My Bones”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Mona (“Mona”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Chris Young (“Neon”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Cyndi Lauper (“Memphis Blues”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – The Civil Wars (“Barton Hollow”).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Martina McBride (“Eleven”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Vince Gill (“Guitar Slinger”, his first new studio album in 5 years).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Patrick Stump (“Soul Punk”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Kelly Clarkson (“Stronger”).
• “Wendy Williams” (syndicated) – Boyz II Men (“Twenty”).

• Adele –Her hit single “Rolling In the Deep” has now been certified 5X platinum by the RIAA with over 5 million digital downloads sold.
• Bruno Mars – His video for “It Will Rain” from the “Breaking Dawn” soundtrack was originally scheduled to arrive today but he’s tweeted that there’s still work to be done on the clip and the MTV premiere will happen in a couple weeks.
• Foster The People – Tonight they play a live webcast from NYC’s Ed Sullivan Theater as part of CBS-TV’s “Live On Letterman” concert series. They’ll also tape an appearance for tomorrow night’s “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Jimmy Buffett – For the grand opening of his Margaritaville Casino at the Flamingo hotel in Las Vegas, a Guinness World Record was set for ‘Largest Margarita Ever Made’. In a container 31-ft-tall, the colossal 8,500-gallon “Lucky Rita” served up 181,333 individual cocktails.
• John Mayer – After being forced to cancel some performances last month, he’s undergone throat surgery to correct the granuloma (throat inflammation) that has been hindering him. The release of his 5th album, “Born & Raised”, has been pushed back to next year.
• Rihanna – She’s reportedly just dropped $1,500 in a sex shop in Paris, France. Shooting a new “S&M” video, are we?

A new poll has found that Canada’s most popular mayor is also the oldest and longest-serving: Mississauga’s Hazel McCallion, who is 90-years-old and has been mayor since 1978, beat out Naheed Nenshi of Calgary who came a close 2nd in a Forum Research poll examining the popularity of mayors in Canada’s 15 largest cities. Of course, in any popularity contest, there are losers as well as winners: the least-popular mayor on the list is Montréal’s Gerard Tremblay, currently serving his 3rd term. Toronto mayor Rob Ford, meanwhile, is holding down 2nd-last place with a 37% approval rating. (A little less than Gaddafi on his last day.)

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 65% of us always seat ourselves in the same place when sitting down to dinner at home.
• 42% of men think it’s sexy when a woman wears a hat.
• 40% of fathers who went into the delivery room for the birth of a child now say they wish they had not.
• 33% of brides say a helpful family member advised them to lose weight before their wedding.
• 29% of men don’t use soap, they just rinse off when taking a shower.
• 17% of us say our absolute favorite place to hide money is … in a pair of shoes.

Cassette-tape connoisseurs, a small fringe group among audiophiles, find that tape’s flat tones and fuzzy hiss is a comforting throwback. Although most music lovers have abandoned cassettes, cassette devotees say that tapes are underappreciated. They see cassettes following in the shadows of their analogue brethren, vinyl records, which are currently enjoying a renaissance. (If there’s any tape-heads out there, there’s a couple boxloads in the attic you can have for a dollar-a-pound.)
– “Wall Street Journal”

• Subotica, Serbia – A local beggar has seen a big boom in business since declaring himself … invisible. The 42-year-old became fed up with being shunned by passers-by, so he gave up his spot, leaving just his cap, shoes, and a sign reading: ‘Invisible Beggar’. Upon return, he was astonished to find a crowd of people surrounding his cap, which was full of money. So nowadays he just puts out the sign and a pair of empty shoes and waits for donations … while he goes for coffee. (Buddy, you’re not thinking. Multiple locations … one on every block!)
– “Times of London”
• Gardnerville, Nevada – A wannabe bridegroom is facing misdemeanor charges after authorities say he interrupted his wedding ceremony to  … carry his mom out of the church. It seems the 56-year-old mother wasn’t thrilled with her son’s choice of bride, so she showed up to loudly object to the wedding at the Carson Valley United Methodist Church. That’s when her son picked her up and hauled her out. The wedding  was apparently called off after the altercation. (So guess who had the last laugh?)
– Associated Press
• Toronto, Ontario – Some 7,000 ‘zombies’ gathered in a local park to watch Thea Faulds (aka ‘Thea Munster’) joined in ‘unholy matrimony’ to one Adam Pearson. The twosome met and fell in love at a horror convention, and they say their fellow ‘zombies’ are like extended family so it would have felt wrong not to involve them. Instead of walking down the aisle, the bride was carried in a coffin by 6 pallbearers. (Attendees say it was a bloody good time!)
– “Toronto Life”
• Enniskillen, Northern Ireland – A 30-year-old man has been sentenced to 3 months in the slammer after causing some £3,000 of damage to his apartment building while trying to … turn poop into gold. His misguided twist on the ancient art of alchemy involved placing feces, along with fertilizer, on top of an electric heater. Not only did his get-rich-quick scheme go up in flames, so did his entire flat. (His outlandish theory turned out to be a piece of crap.)

Tiny finger-like projections lining the nose continue to beat after death, reports “New Scientist” magazine. Since the beating of these cilia slows at a predictable rate, forensic teams should be able to estimate time of death more accurately. Pinpointing precisely when someone died can be a challenge for investigators. The beating rate of cilia could provide an additional tool to help decide time of death, especially if it was within the previous 24 hours. (Expect ‘Catherine Willows’ to be staring up someone’s nose on a “CSI” episode in the near future.)
– “Daily Mirror”

Carved pumpkins abound this Halloween season, but a decorated gourd dated to 1793 may be the spookiest of them all. Recent research determines it may contain the blood of Louis XVI, who was executed by guillotine that same year. The owner had dipped his handkerchief into the king’s blood after his beheading, as did many others. The blood has the mutation for blue eyes, a prominent feature of the late monarch. A heart thought to be that of Louis’s son is in the French royal crypt, so a definite identification may be possible in the future. (“Hey look, my punkin’ has Marie Antoinette’s ears!”)
– “Discovery News”

Using a gasoline-powered leaf blower for 6 minutes generates the same amount of pollution as driving a car 10 miles.


1946 [65] Pat Sajak, Chicago IL, TV game show host (“Wheel of Fortune” since 1981)

1947 [64] Hillary Rodham Clinton, Park Ridge IL, US Secretary of State since 2009, 2008 Presidential candidate/US Senator (2001-08)/former First Lady (1992-2000)/Mrs Bill Clinton since 1975

1954 [57] James Pickens Jr, Cleveland OH, TV actor (‘Dr Richard Webber’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2005)

1963 [48] Natalie Merchant, Jamestown NY, classic rock singer (“Jealousy”)/former 10,000 Maniacs frontwoman (“These Are Days”)

1967 [44] Keith Urban, Whangarei, New Zealand, country singer (“Long Hot Summer”, You Look Good in My Shirt”)/wed to actress Nicole Kidman since 2006

1977 [34] Jon Heder, Fort Collins CO, movie actor (“Blades of Glory”, “Napoleon Dynamite”)

• “Diwali” begins, a major Indian festival celebrated across the globe for 5 consecutive days at the end of the Hindu month Ashwayuja. During this time, homes are thoroughly cleaned and windows are opened to welcome ‘Laksmi’, goddess of wealth. Traditional earthen lamps and fireworks are symbols of the celebration.

• “International Red Cross Day”, in honor of its founding on this date in 1863 in Geneva, Switzerland.

• “Mincemeat Day”. Odds are you either love it or you can’t stand the stuff. Mincemeat is a mixture of chopped dried fruit, distilled spirits, spices, and sometimes beef suet. Originally, mincemeat always contained meat; many modern recipes use vegetable shortening in its place.

• “Pumpkin Day”, celebrating the orange member of the squash family best known for being carved into jack-o-lanterns or made into pie filling. It can also be boiled, sliced, fried, puréed, or used in soups.

• “Worldwide Howl At the Moon Night”, an annual pre-Halloween tradition. Owoooooo!

2002 [09] Pop singer Jessica Simpson weds boy-band singer Nick Lachey (leading to MTV show “Newlyweds” and more fame & money than either deserves)

1975 [36] ‘Heimlich Maneuver’ 1st approved as aid for people choking on food (named for its developer, Dr Henry Heimlich)

1990 [21] 1st NHL hockey player to reach 2,000 career points (Wayne Gretzky, while playing for LA Kings)

[Thurs] Cranky Co-workers Day
[Fri] Frankenstein Friday
[Fri] International Bandanna Day
[Fri] Voodoo Music Experience begins (New Orleans LA)
[Fri] “In Time”; “Puss In Boots”, “The Rum Diary” open in movie theaters

[Sat] World Psoriasis Day
This Week Is … Prescription Errors Education & Awareness Week
This Month Is … Depression Education & Awareness Month


• Carrying a loaded gun in your waistband
• Shoplifting a tarantula.
• Blind date with Chris Brown.
• Smuggling a rusty machete into prison.
• Running with scissors.
• Really, really, really big paper cut.
• Pop rocks & soda.
• Beaten to death with a chair by a hillbilly on “Jerry Springer” (yes, he’s still on).
• Strolling through the forest in an antler hat.
• Laughing yourself to death at some joke on [your show].

Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse.

Just in time … Halloween costumes for your dog! Some of these (ie: ‘Star Wars Princess Leia’) may qualify as cruelty.

• What are the 2 main flavors in original bubble gum?
a. Spearmint & clove.
b. Wintergreen & vanilla. [CORRECT]
c. Salt & vinegar.

• What is the shape of a pretzel meant to symbolize?
a. A reef knot used in nautical applications.
b. The arms of a child in prayer. [CORRECT. Goes back to 610 AD.]
c. Nothing. It’s just a random shape, dummy!

• How are the pins in men’s dress shirts put in?
a. By hand. [CORRECT]
b. By a pin installing machine.
c. By the pin fairy.

At what age were you in the best shape?

Question: 8-out-10 stay-at-home moms do NOT own one of these, even though most people think they would.
Answer: An apron. (“Good Housekeeping”)

He who hesitates is probably right.

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