Thursday, October 6, 2011        Edition: #4602
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

Reps for acting couple Blake Lively & Leonardo DiCaprio have confirmed to that they’ve split up but are making the familiar claim that they’ll ‘remain friends’ (BS translation: Leo’s found fresh poontang) . . . Meantime, Lively and fellow actress Mila Kunis are among the those who’ve been honored at “Elle” magazine’s “2011 Personal Style Awards”; Lively for her ‘Self-Made’ look; Kunis as ‘The Hottie Next Door’ . . . The future of FOX-TV’s 23-year-old animated comedy “The Simpsons” is up in the air after 20th Century Fox has announced it can no longer afford to produce the show without a 45% pay cut for its voice cast (they’re currently earning around $8 million each per season – a lot of ‘doh’!) . . . 24-year-old reality TV star Kristin Cavallari (“Dancing With the Stars”) is being tight-lipped about rumors she’s back together with her ex-fiancé, NFL QB Jay Cutler (a distraction that makes us pick da Bears to lose Monday night) . . . “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner is lamenting the cancellation of the new TV drama “The Playboy Club” (NBC), saying it ‘should have been on cable, aimed at a more adult audience’ (episodes will continue to  run until October 31st) . . . Following the huge success of “The Lion King” re-release in 3-D, Disney has announced 4 more of its animated classics will get the same treatment over the next 2 years: “Beauty & The Beast”, “Finding Nemo”, “Monsters Inc”, and “The Little Mermaid” (you can bet related holiday season products are already in the works) . . . Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres & partner Portia De Rossi are selling their California estate near Coldwater Canyon at a loss, listing it for a paltry $49 million (real estate ad says it features ‘every conceivable amenity and state-of the-art security’) . . . Tiger Woods’ ex-mistress, Rachel Uchitel, is now a married woman after she & boyfriend Matt Hahn impulsively decided to tie the knot in Vegas after attending a friend’s wedding (good thing it wasn’t a funeral) . . . And we’re getting more details on what the problem may be between Ashton Kutcher & wife Demi Moore – when he should’ve been preparing to celebrate their 6th wedding anniversary, he was frolicking naked in an outdoor hot tub at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego – with 4 similarly bare young women (we know he’s taking over from Charlie Sheen, but this is ridiculous!).

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Jane’s Addiction (“The Great Escape Artist”, out October 18th).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Frightened Rabbit (“The Winter of Mixed Drinks”); J Cole (“Cole World: The Sideline Story”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Jeff the Brotherhood (“We Are the Champions”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – The Joy Formidable (“The Big Roar”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Blondie (“Panic of Girls”).
• “Wendy Williams” (syndicated) – Mary Mary (“Something Big”).

• Adele – She’s been forced to cancel the remaining 10 dates of her sold-out US tour due to a hemorrhage in her vocal chord. “I have absolutely no choice but to recuperate properly and fully,” she says on her website, “or I risk damaging my voice forever.”
• Black Eyed Peas – According to the BBC, they’ve pulled out of Saturday’s Michael Jackson tribute show in Cardiff, Wales due to ‘unavoidable circumstances’ (like getting paid, maybe?). That leaves Cee Lo Green, Christina Aguilera, Leona Lewis, and Ne-Yo as the headliners of “Michael Forever: The Tribute Concert”.
• Cheap Trick – They’re pushing for new legislation to govern promoters erecting temporary stages at outdoor music events. Their equipment was trashed and they narrowly escaped with their lives after the main stage was hit by storm winds and collapsed at the “Ottawa Bluesfest” in July. It’s just one of several stage crashes over the past year.
• Darius Rucker – Tonight he kicks off his first North American headlining tour in Glens Falls NY. Frankie Ballard is the opening act. Also joining him for select dates will be Justin Moore, Rodney Atkins, and Thompson Square.
• Dierks Bentley – Tonight he launches the 22-city first leg of his new “Country & Cold Cans” tour in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. Eli Young Band and Jerrod Niemann are also on the bill. His new album is due in early 2012.
• KISS – They’re currently putting the finishing touches to their next album, “Monster”, which is due for release early next year. Paul Stanley tells “LA Weekly” fans can expect a tour in support of the record.
• Lady Gaga – Lifetime network is developing the TV movie “Fame Monster: The Lady Gaga Story”, which will chronicle Stefani Germanotta’s transformation from struggling songwriter to multi-million-selling pop star. The film will be based on Maureen Callahan’s 2010 book “Poker Face: The Rise & Rise Of Lady Gaga”. Gaga herself is not involved in the project.
• Metric – Frontwoman Emily Haines tells “Spin” the follow-up to their breakthrough album “Fantasies” is currently in the mixing process and will hopefully be released in Spring 2012.
• Sara Evans – The country star’s been granted another restraining order against her ex-husband Craig Schelske, preventing him from speaking out about their bitter split. His appearance on Anderson Cooper’s daytime TV talk show last month is apparently what motivated the move.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Django Unchained” – Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino is in talks with Kurt Russell to step into the role of a brutal slave-master after Kevin Costner dropped out of the film. Leonardo DiCaprio stars as an evil plantation owner. The film is currently in pre-production with an eye to theatrical release sometime in 2012.
• “Fast 6” – Jason Statham is reportedly in talks to bring the driving skills he showed off in the “Transporter” movies to the “Fast & Furious” franchise. The idea is to have the British action man join Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Vin Diesel, and Paul Walker in the “Fast Five” follow-up. reports the next film will be shot entirely in Europe.
• “Oldboy” – Rooney Mara (“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”) has reportedly signed on to star opposite Josh Brolin (“No Country For Old Men”) in filmmaker Spike Lee’s remake of a 2003 Korean film about a man who is falsely imprisoned for 15 years without ever knowing why. “The Dark Knight Rises” star Christian Bale is also set to appear, playing the lead villain.
• “Satori” – Leonardo DiCaprio is being pursued for the lead role in this adaptation of the Don Winslow novel about a Westerner trained in Japanese assassination skills, which takes him all over the world following the end of WW2. There are plans to turn it into a franchise should the film be well received at the box office.
• “Thanks For Sharing” – Pop singer P!nk has joined the cast of this dramedy directed by the writer of “The Kids Are All Right”. She’ll be playing a ‘free spirit who bonds with a sex addict’, played by “The Book of Mormon” co-star Josh Gad. The cast also includes Gwyneth Paltrow, Mark Ruffalo, and Tim Robbins.

You’re not just getting older, you’re getting shorter. Height loss is a natural part of aging – some people start shrinking slightly as early as age 30. But recent Harvard Medical School studies have found that losing too much height too rapidly can signal a high risk for hip fractures, spinal fractures and even heart disease, particularly in men. If you are a female between the ages of 45-and-65 and you notice you are shrinking, that’s pretty usual. But if you’re a male, noticeable height-loss may be a warning sign to speak to your health-care provider. (Who’ll likely prescribe a pair of ‘Tom Cruise shoes’.)
– “Wall Street Journal”

• Qingdao, China – A 22-year-old suitor who thought it would be a fine idea to surprise his girlfriend with an expensive gold necklace baked inside her birthday cake was shocked when she … wolfed it down in one gulp. She was whisked away to hospital where doctors successfully fished the $800-necklace from her stomach via endoscope. But now the hopeless romantic doubts his girl will ever feel comfortable wearing it even though he’s spent hours cleaning it.
• Gwinnett County, Georgia – He should have known his heist wasn’t proceeding exactly according to plan when the victim started laughing. A crook walked up to the cash register in a convenience store and demanded cash … without realizing that a uniformed cop was standing right behind him, set to make the easiest arrest of his career. The manager was reportedly splitting a gut while putting the money in a bag.
• Mexico City, Mexico – “Do you take this woman to be your wife, to have and to hold … for at least 2 years?” Mexico City lawmakers have suggested new legislation that would let couples decide in advance on the length of their marriage. The minimum period for a so-called ‘trial marriage’ would be 2 years but could be extended.

Why do sandwiches taste better when someone else makes them? Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University say that’s because anticipating the taste of something can actually make you less hungry for it. They’ve found that imagining you’re eating M&Ms, for instance, causes you to eat fewer of them when you’re actually handed them. The sandwich that another person prepares for you is not ‘pre-consumed’ in this way, which is why you want it more and it seems to taste better. (So how come so many chefs are fat?)
– “New York Times Magazine”

Some seriously twisted stuff that’s available on eBay right this minute …
• ‘Bull Penis Cane’ (Indiana) … That’s right, it’s a walking stick made from el toro’s johnson. It measures 84 cm or 33 inches (but only when you’re passing a dairy farm). Current bid: $36.51.
• ‘Haunted Tablecloth’ (Chicago IL) – “This haunted piece is old and it has a fringe. If you are afraid of the paranormal, please do not bid!” Starting Bid: $19.99. (The fact you blew 20 bucks on a holey old rag will haunt you for the rest of your life.)
• ‘Human Hand In Jar’ (Tennessee) – “This is a one-of-a-kind human hand in a jar.” Current Bid: $25.99. (Buy 2 and make ‘em clap!)
• ‘Life-Sized Napoleon Statue’ (United Kingdom) – Made from resin, this mannequin of the French emperor is 180 cm (5’-9”) tall (but only because the li’l guy’s standing on a pedestal). Price: $775.
• ‘25 Pictures of Pretty Feet’ – “My sexy feet will make your motor run! I can email them to you for instant viewing pleasure!” Buy It Now Price: $7.99. (For 8 bucks, we’d want the actual toes.)

• Most toilets flush in the key of E-flat.
– “Aftermath”
• Gold is currently such a popular investment in China, it’s being sold out of a vending machine at a shopping mall in Beijing. It dispenses everything from small trinkets to 2-kilo ingots.


1955 [56] Tony Dungy, Jackson MI, NFL analyst (“Football Night in America”)/former NFL head coach (Indianapolis Colts 2002-09, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 1996-2001)

1963 [48] Elisabeth Shue, Wilmington DE, movie actress (“Piranha 3-D”, “Leaving Las Vegas”)

1966 [45] Tommy Stinson, Minneapolis MN, rock bassist (Guns N’ Roses since 1998, The Replacements 1979–91)

1973 [38] Ioan Gruffudd [‘YO-an GRIFF-ith’], Cardiff, Wales, movie actor (“W”, “Fantastic Four” films)

1982 [29] William Butler, The Woodlands TX, rock musician  (Arcade Fire-“We Used to Wait”, “Keep the Car Running”)/brother of frontman Win Butler

• “Balloons Around the World Day”, the 12th annual event celebrating ‘Balloon Sculpture’. Balloon artists worldwide showcase the art of balloon twisting and decorating and, in the process, deliver thousands of smiles through the act of giving.

• “German-American Day”, honoring the likes of Albert Einstein, Lou Gehrig, John Steinbeck, and Levi Strauss. In fact, German-Americans make up 16% of the total US population. Prosit!

• “International Walk to School Day”,  a day to fight pollution and obesity and to establish safe neighborhood routes for walking and bicycling.

• “Mad Hatter Day”, described as “April Fool’s Day” without the pranks, it’s an opportunity to celebrate silliness. The date was chosen from illustrations depicting the Mad Hatter wearing a hat with a slip of paper that reads: ‘In this style 10/6’.

• “Physician Assistant Day”, honoring all those nice people who order you to take off all your clothes and put the gown on. And make sure the opening’s at the back!

1991 [20] At his Neverland ranch, Michael Jackson gives away actress-friend Elizabeth Taylor to husband #7, Larry Fortensky (her 8th wedding)

1996 [15] Country stars Tim McGraw & Faith Hill get married, then postpone the honeymoon in order to resume their joint tour 4 days later

1893 [118] Breakfast staple “Cream Of Wheat” is introduced by Nabisco Foods (great for filling cracks in drywall!)

[Fri] Diversity Day
[Fri] World Smile Day
[Fri] Yom Kippur begins (Jewish)
[Fri] “The Ides of March”; “Real Steel” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Pirogi Day
[Sun] Clergy Appreciation Day
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day (Canada)
This Week Is … Carry a Tune Week
This Month Is … Adopt a Shelter Dog Month


• Shirt is never tucked nor untucked … it’s semi-tucked.
• Moves his lips when he watches TV.
• Looks like a total nerd but knows nothing about computers.
• You have a 4-bedroom home but he still lives in his mommy’s basement.
• Spends hours a day in a ‘Mickey Mouse’ suit; doesn’t work for Disney.
• Your wedding ring looks a lot like a greasy washer.
• Sex is awkward wearing “Sesame Street” pajamas.

Don’t confuse me with facts, my mind’s already made up.

Your yogurt is covered with that yucky-looking watery stuff. What should you do?
a. Spoon it off and eat the rest of the yogurt.
b. Stir it up and eat it. [CORRECT. It’s simply whey that’s separated. It’s packed with B-vitamins and minerals!]
c. Toss the entire container; it’s gone bad!

What fashion from another period would you love to wear?

Question: THESE have experienced a 20% jump in membership since the 2008 recession.
Answer: Dating sites for married people.

Nobel prize money is a life-belt thrown to a swimmer who has already reached the shore in safety.

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