Thursday, September 21, 2006       Edition: #3370
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

TONIGHT is the season premiere of TV’s #1 show, “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC/CTV), with a new night and time (how much longer before the nickname ‘Dr McDreamy’ starts to sound really, really cheesy?) . . . Meantime over at ‘Dunder Mifflin’, the 2nd season premiere of “The Office” (NBC) will reveal what happens to ‘Pam’ (Jenna Fischer) & ‘Jim’ (John Krasinski) after sharing their first forbidden kiss on last season’s finalé (is there a ‘Dwight Schrute’-type in your office?) . . . TONIGHT Danny Bonaduce (“The Partridge Family” 1970-74) is finally getting some respect in the acting biz (at least momentarily), by guesting on the season premiere of “CSI” as an aging rocker – who gets brutally murdered (did they draw straws for the privilege or what?) . . . “Star Wars” creator George Lucas is donating a whopping $175 million to his alma mater, the largest contribution ever made to the University of Southern California (wow, that almost makes up for ”The Phantom Menace” … almost) . . . Actress Tori Spelling has finally got a job, joining the cast of “Smallville” (CW) playing – a gossip columnist for the “Daily Planet” (how appropriate!) . . . Kate Moss is proving she’s no stupor-model, preparing for her post-catwalk days by developing her own line of women’s wear that’s set to debut NEXT SPRING . . . And will it ever end? Now Australia’s University of Queensland has awarded a posthumous professorship to late “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin (geez, the guy will never show up for class!).

• Fergie – TONIGHT she’ll perform her hit “London Bridge” on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Guns N’ Roses – Axl Rose is being sued for damages by an LA art dealer who claims he backed out of a deal to buy $2.3-million Andy Warhol portrait of John Lennon. The Acquire d’Arte gallery is demanding $1.1 million as compensation. Axl can’t afford this … it takes him like 5 years to finish an album.
• Human League – TONIGHT the classic rockers are on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• John Mayer – TONIGHT he has a cameo on the season premiere of “CSI” (CBS/CTV).
• Kenny Chesney – TONIGHT he sings “On the Coast of Somewhere Beautiful” on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Madonna – NBC-TV bosses say they’ve not yet decided whether her infamous crucifixion scene will be included when the network airs a concert special of her “Confessions” tour. They’re just too chicken to say it … there’s not a hope in …er, heaven.
• Usher – TODAY the R&B star who’s currently appearing on Broadway in “Chicago” is a guest on “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Whitney Houston – Word has it she’s planning a spectacular comeback with an album of new material in early 2007 (her first in 4 years). You can bet the guy who first discovered her, recording company guru Clive Davis, is behind this … AND the recent split with Bobby Brown.

A selection of movies in the making …
• “Horton Hears a Who” – Jim Carrey (“How the Grinch Stole Christmas”) and Steve Carrell (“The Office”) have signed on to provide voices in this animated bigscreen feature based on Dr Seuss’ 1954 classic kids’ book. This is Carrey’s first foray into voicing animation, though he has Seuss experience as the ‘Grinch’. He’ll have the lead role, while Carell will play the ‘Mayor of Who-ville’. The film is due in 2008.
• “My Life in Ruins” – Winnipeg-born Greek-Canadian screenwriter/actress Nia Vardalos (“My Big Fat Greek Wedding”) is going back to her roots for this comedy to be shot in Athens. She not only managed to get backing from Hollywood heavyweight Tom Hanks, she lobbied the Greek government for permission to shoot scenes in the 2,500-year-old Acropolis for the first time ever. Vardalos will play a Greek-American tour guide showing tourists the wonders of ancient Greece. The film starts shooting in late OCTOBER.
• “Thong Girl 3: Revenge of the Dark Widow” – Okay, it’s just a lame B-movie but what makes this film interesting is that scenes were recently shot in the office of the mayor of Gallatin TN – with his permission yet. Mayor Don Wright claims he didn’t have a clue what the movie was about. It features a flying, crime-fighting super-heroine clad in a red thong who shoots laser beams … from her butt. And this is the 2nd sequel?
• “Untitled Natascha Kampusch Film” – It’s only a matter of time until the real-life story of that kidnapped Austrian girl who was imprisoned in a concrete dungeon for 8 years hits the silver screen. The recently escaped 18-year-old victim has reportedly been offered $1.8 million for film rights to her harrowing tale which saw her abducted on the way to school in Vienna in 1998. Her agent says he’s had 30 movie offers already. 21-year-old actress Scarlett Johannson is thought to have the inside track on the role due to similarities in appearance … not to mention star power.

California has found a new way to prevent wildfires … goats! Each day some 350 goats can be found eating eat dry weeds adjacent to the University of California campus in Berkeley. The rented goats are saving the $800-a-day that it would cost to hire landscapers to clear out the fire hazard. Officials claim the goats are a key reason there hasn’t been a major wildfire in the area since 1991. And besides, the locals seem to love seeing grazing billies in the middle of their posh neighborhood. (“Hey, who ate all our hibiscus?”)
– “Christian Science Monitor”

• 1 in 3 cookie-lovers takes their Oreos apart before eating them.
• 4 out of 5 women have never had a professional manicure.
• 9 out of 10 of us will never have cosmetic surgery.

Finally, environmentally friendly weapons! The big guns at British arms giant BAE Systems are thinking green. They’ve announced they’re developing lead-free bullets. Also in the works, ‘eco-friendly’ rocket warheads, and biodegradable explosives and grenades. (You’ll find them at your arms dealer under ‘Ammo Lite’.)
– “The Guardian”

A collection of signs attempted unsuccessfully in English in travel spots around-the-world …
• Hotel in Tokyo, Japan: “Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If  you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.”
• Hotel in Bucharest, Romania: “The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.”
• Hotel in Croatia: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
• Hotel in Japan: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
• Restaurant menu in Switzerland: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”
• Dry cleaner in Bangkok, Thailand: “Drop your trousers here for best results.”
• Czech tourist agency: “Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.”
• Cocktail lounge in Norway: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
• Zoo in Budapest, Hungary: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”
• Souvenir shop on the Spanish island of Majorca: “Here speeching English.”

If you’re like many consumers, you’re hesitant to buy an expensive high-definition DVD player because you don’t want to get stuck with a format that becomes archaic. Help is on the way! A trio of engineers has come up with a way to put all 3 different  formats – Sony’s Blu-ray, Toshiba’s HD-DVD, and conventional DVD – all on the same disc. The hi-def formats would be embedded at different levels of one side, the conventional format on the flip side. This way, you could rent or buy any movie and know it was playable on your equipment. (Brilliant! Last thing we need is another this-or-that option like the current ‘Widescreen’/’Full Screen’ fiasco.)
– “Home Video Retailing Magazine”

There are 1.2 billion followers of Islam in the world, making it the world’s 2nd – largest religion after Christianity. It’s also the world’s fastest-growing, now accounting for 20% of the world’s population and expected to reach 30% by 2025. There are a quarter-million Canadians who follow Islam. The estimated number of Muslim-Americans is 6-to-7 million. There are over 150 million people who speak the Arabic language in the world. So, to use the term ‘Islamic Terrorists’ when referring to a few hundred extremists, most of whom are dissidents, is misleading, and distorting the reality of the numbers. (This appeared in “BS” 5 years ago …. recent media monitoring suggested it was time to run it again.)
– NPR/Wikipedia

Dating website is now offering a ‘guarantee’. If you don’t find love within 6 months, they’ll give you another 6 months free-of-charge.  (Giving you a full year to feel like such a loser.)


1934 [72] Leonard Cohen, Montréal QC, Canadian icon/songwriter (“Suzanne”, “Bird on a Wire”)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1991)/Companion of the Order of Canada (2003)
1947 [59] Stephen King, Portland ME, scary author (“Cell”, “The Shining”)/first major author to release books on the Internet

1950 [56] Bill Murray, Wilmette IL, movie actor (“Garfield”, “Lost in Translation”)

1957 [49] Ethan Coen, Minneapolis MN, movie producer/director/writer (“O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, 1996 Oscar-“Fargo”)

1967 [39] Faith Hill, Jackson MS, country superstar (“Sunshine & Summertime”, “Mississippi Girl”)/sometime movie actress (“The Stepford Wives”)/Mrs Tim McGraw since 1996 (3 children)

1967 [39] Tyler Stewart, Newmarket ON, pop drummer (Barenaked Ladies-“Easy”, “One Week”)

1971 [35] Luke Wilson, Dallas TX, movie actor (“My Super Ex-Girlfriend”, “Old School”)/brother of actor Owen Wilson  UP NEXT: Expected to play ‘Bobby Ewing’ in the bigscreen version of “Dallas”, scheduled to open in 2007.

1972 [34] Liam Gallagher, Burnage UK, rock singer/professional a–hole (Oasis-“Wonderwall”, “Champagne Supernova”)

1981 [25] Nicole Richie (Escovedo), Berkeley CA, 88-lb TV personality (“The Simple Life”)/adopted daughter of pop singer Lionel Richie

• “International Day of Peace”, established by a United Nations resolution in 1981. Yeah, that’ll make it happen … throw a special day.

• “Miniature Golf Day”. The first mini-golf was the ‘Tom Thumb Golf Course’ built in 1929 in Chattanooga TN by John Garnet Carter. Nowadays there’s a ‘Professional Miniature Golf Association’ that holds the ‘PMGA Championship’ each year. (Try some golf-whisper play-by-play: “Oooooh, looks like he’s got a bad lie underneath the windmill … “). Check out the mini-golf ‘pro shop’ here, complete with ‘Into the Clown’s Mouth’ T-shirts …

• “World Gratitude Day”, designed to ‘unite all people in a positive emotion of gratitude, creating a world community’. (Another observance from the ‘Association of the Hopelessly Over-Optimistic’.)

1937 [69] JRR Tolkien’s “The Hobbit” is published

1996 [10] ‘World’s Most Eligible Bachelor’ John F Kennedy Jr weds Carolyn Bessette in a secret Cumberland Island GA ceremony (both are killed in a plane crash July 16, 1999)

1985 [21] “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits reaches #1 on pop singles charts

1929 [77] 1st legal ‘Forward Pass’ in Canadian football (by Calgary vs Edmonton)

1995 [11] Canadian Mint unveils design for new $2-coin that includes a polar bear (soon becomes known as the ‘toony’, twony, ‘toonie’, ‘tooney’ or ‘twonie’ – how do YOU spell it?)

1970 [36] 1st “Monday Night Football” game on ABC-TV as NY Jets beat Cleveland Browns 31-21 (Who’s in the booth? Play-by-play announcer Keith Jackson, analyst Don Meredith & commentator Howard Cosell)

2003 [03] Detroit Tigers lose their 117th game of the season vs Minnesota Twins, tying futility record set by the Philadelphia Athletics … in 1915 (things have turned around!)

[Fri] Dear Diary Day
[Fri] Elephant Appreciation Day
[Fri] Good Neighbor Day
[Fri] Centenarians Day
[Sat] Autumn begins (12:03 am EDT)
[Sat] Rosh Hashanah (Jewish)
[Sun] Ramadan begins (Muslim)
[Sun] Hunting & Fishing Day
This Week Is … Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week
This Month Is … Bed Check Month


• If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
• Money talks. Chocolate sings!
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

Find a “Grey’s Anatomy” mega-fan (there are loads of them) and ask them to predict what’s in store for the new season, starting TONIGHT …
• Will Addison get back with Dr Shepherd?
• Who will ‘Dr McDreamy’ choose?
• Who will Meredith choose?
• Will Burke the surgeon be able to regain control of his hand?
• Will Christina stay by her man Burke?
• Will Alex win over the affection of Izzie?
• Will Izzie return to Seattle Grace Hospital?
• Will George stay with Callie?
• Will Callie stay with George?
• Will new mom Miranda go soft?
• Will Richard leave his wife for Meredith’s mom?
• Will we ever stop asking you questions?
– Extrapolated from “Star Magazine”

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. In your office you have a work station …
• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Today’s Question: Dads are 3 times more likely to do THIS than moms when it comes to kids and school.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Forget to pick them up.

If in doubt, make it sound convincing.

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