Wednesday, September 20, 2006        Edition: #3369
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

TODAY a ‘celebration’ of the life of “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin is being held at the Australia Zoo in Brisbane (the 3,000 free tickets were gone in 15 minutes), a day after he was honored with flags at half-mast on Sydney’s famous Harbour Bridge (what’s next – sainthood?) . . . TONIGHT is the 2-hour season premiere of the 7th season of “America’s Next Top Model”, the Tyra Banks catwalk competition that’s expected to be the anchor show for the fledgling CW network . . . TONIGHT “The Biggest Loser 3” also debuts (NBC) as a huge new cast of 50 fatties attempts a gang-slim-down (there should be combo-reality shows, ie: “The Bachelor Loser” – ‘I’ll go out with you if you drop 80 lbs …”) . . . TONIGHT director Sofia Coppola and actresses Annette Bening, Cate Blanchett & Sally Field are honored at “Premiere” magazine’s 13th annual “Premiere Women in Hollywood” gala in Beverly Hills (aka the ‘Darlings of the Coffee Klatch Awards’) . . . TV producers Nigel Lythgoe (“So You Think You Can Dance”/”American Idol”) and Ken Warwick (“America’s Got Talent”/”American Idol”) are putting together a new series called “Corkscrewed: The Wrath of Grapes” which follows their dream of owning their own vineyard (once you get this reality concept down you can just do whatever you want, film it and sell it – “How to Own a Ferrari”, “My Free House”, “Trophy Wife!”) . . . The website has begun its “Death Watch ‘06”, a listing of new TV shows most likely to stiff, including “Happy Hour” (FOX/CTV), “Men in Trees” (ABC/CTV), and Jericho” (CBS/CityTV), in order of probability (has anyone seen any of these?) . . . American Airlines is considering withdrawing all advertising from ABC-TV after being poorly portrayed in the recent miniseries “The Road to 9/11” (relax, haven’t you heard – nobody watched it) . . . 57-year-old movie actor Samuel L Jackson has turned Hollywood producer with a new 2-year deal to develop movie projects for New Line Cinema (based on his clever proposal for a new horror flick called “Rats On a Plane”) . . . And the dumbest lawsuit of the week goes to vintage ‘new wave’ band The Knack who have filed a copyright infringement suit against Run DMC for sampling their only hit, 1979’s “My Sharona”, on the rap track “It’s Tricky” … back in 1986 (they just realized it after 20 years – man, that must have been some ganja!).

• Beyoncé – TONIGHT she has a leading 4 nominations at the UK’s 11th annual “MOBO Awards” (Music of Black Origin) which will be doled out at London’s Royal Albert Hall.
• Diana Krall – TONIGHT she performs on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Dixie Chicks – TODAY they guest on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Fergie – TODAY she faces the panel on daytime TV’s “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Jet – TONIGHT in Austin TX, the Aussie band kicks off a North American tour to promote the release of their 2nd album, “Shine On”, due out OCTOBER 3rd.
• Joan Jet – TONIGHT the classic rocker is on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Kenny Chesney – TODAY he sings “Keg in the Closet” on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV).
• Nick Lachey – TONIGHT he kicks off a 37-city solo tour, his first-ever, in Albany NY.
• Rolling Stones – TONIGHT their “Bigger Bang” tour returns to North America with a show at the New England Patriots’ Gillette Stadium. The tour kicked off at Boston’s Fenway Park on August 21, 2005.
• Usher – His run as conniving lawyer ‘Billy Flynn’ in the Broadway production of “Chicago” is being extended by 2 weeks, until OCTOBER 14th. Why? Ticket sales are way up.

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Christmas Creep’ – A new term for the ever-backward kick-off of holiday season retail marketing. The most ridiculous example may be the Cracker Barrel restaurant chain, which put up some Christmas displays on … AUGUST 1st. (Start a listener pool on when the first holiday season TV ad will be spotted. LAST YEAR they were in full flight by NOVEMBER 1st.)
• ‘EHS’ (Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity) – An alleged physical reaction to electromagnetic fields caused by high-voltage wires, TV & computer screens, and cellphones. A study by the UK’s University of Essex is attempting to determine if EHS is a verifiable threat to human health. (People can get seriously ill from yakking on cellphones or watching too much TV? Cool!)
• ‘Male Warrior Effect’ – The idea that men need threats, rivalry and war for them to work together the most effectively. (“There’s no problem motivating our sales guys … just paint their faces and give ‘em a spear!”)

Britain’s Royal Mail is now allowing customers to avoid post office line-ups by buying stamps online. The cost of sending a parcel or letter can now be determined on the Internet and then paid via debit or credit card. A barcode is then issued which can be printed directly onto envelopes, labels or paper. (And seeing as you’re already online, you could then just send your letter via e-mail … for free.)
– PA News

• Microsoft has finally noticed the popularity of online video sharing and jumped on the bandwagon with its own service called “Soapbox on MSN Video”. Like the current leader in the field, “YouTube”, it will allow users to watch and post videos, rate or comment on them, and share favorites by e-mailing them or linking them to personal Web pages. So why switch to “Soapbox”? Microsoft says it will offer innovations like larger-screen videos that can be expanded to full screen WHILE they are playing, rather than having to re-start them. (Like most Microsoft programs, it will likely only work using Microsoft Windows on Microsoft MSN using a Microsoft Hotmail account as ID.)
– AP Business
• Meantime, “YouTube” and Warner Music Group have reached a deal that will allow users access to videos by the likes of Madonna and Red Hot Chili Peppers for use in their own homemade videos. In return, the record company will get a share of YouTube’s ad revenues. As well as music videos, there will also be behind-the-scenes footage and artist interviews available. (This, after-all, is the admirable mission of today’s technology … bringing bad home movies to the world.)
– “Wired”

THIS WEEK is “JRR Tolkien Week”, good timing for the announcement that one of his unfinished works has been completed by his son, Christopher, and is due to be released NEXT SPRING. “The Children Of Hurin” is an epic tale featuring the dwarves and elves from “The Lord of the Rings”. The younger Tolkien has apparently spent 30 years working on the book, convinced that it needed to be recognized in its own right as an independent work. (And besides, Christopher just needs to squeeze a few more bucks from his long-dead dad’s legacy in order to afford … his own country.)

Here’s an interesting off-shoot of a summer of airline security scares and hand-luggage restrictions: The air travel industry is reporting an increase in private aviation, and not just among executives. Increasingly, it seems, families are choosing to rent private jets for weekend trips and vacations. As well as a feeling of increased security, private plane passengers speed through airport check-ins in just a few minutes and are welcomed on the plane with champagne. And with the ever-increasing cost of 1st Class travel, private operators claim it can actually be cheaper to fly in a private jet than with a commercial airline.
– “GQ”

• In Orange County NY, school officials have apologized after a provocative type font showing male and female stick figures in erotic poses was accidentally used … on a 3rd-grade spelling assignment. (You’d think the teacher would have had an inkling something was amiss from the font name … ‘Kama Sutra’.)
• In Lagos, an African murder suspect who allegedly killed his brother with an ax has come up with an inventive defence, telling investigators he actually attacked a goat which later magically transformed into … his brother’s corpse. (This will likely become known in courtrooms as ‘Hilarious Corpus’.)
• In China, school officials in Dandong have announced that a rash of job cuts will not apply to any teachers who are divorced or widowed with children. That’s had an unforseen consequence … some 40 teachers have quickly filed for divorce. (“I love you Wang but … I’m killing you to keep my job.”)
• In Luton UK, a British businessman on his way to Amsterdam was admitted onboard a commercial flight even though the passport he mistakenly produced for several airline employees belonged to his … 2-year-old daughter. (Nice to see we’re all so much safer in the post-9/11 world.)
• In Toronto, police are looking for drivers who sit with their engines idling. Anyone caught letting the motor run needlessly faces a ticket and penalties totaling $125. A local environmental group claims idling is far worse than driving, producing twice the pollution. (With everyone not moving turning their motors off, the Don Valley Parkway can now officially be declared … the ‘Don Valley Parking Lot’.)

A new survey in Britain confirms what most of us already know – in today’s fast-paced society, most of us have little time for ourselves. Of 1,500 people polled, fully 69% say they would like to have more ‘me time’ and 33% say they’d be willing to take a pay cut to get it. For men, the problem is most often caused by work, while for women it’s work plus the demands of their children. So how little time do we get to pamper ourselves? An average of just 50 minutes per day, and on weekends even less — only 40 minutes. (Isn’t the answer simple? Quit buying stuff you can’t afford. Then you won’t have to waste all your time doing work you don’t want to do.)
– “The Scotsman”

A new taste-test has found that wine bottle screw-caps, often championed for not ‘tainting’ wine, actually DO affect the taste. In a blind tasting of 9,000 wines at THIS YEAR’s “International Wine Challenge”, 2.2% of screw-topped wines were found to be damaged. Faults included the build-up of sulfides, which give the wine an egg-y or onion-y flavor. (One finds it even less palatable than the waxiness of the plastic caps used on wine cartons, and certainly not as chi-chi as the old fashioned cork, crumbles of which fall into the wine and thus become lodged in one’s teeth.)
– Reuters

Austrian strongman Franz Muellner has set a new world record by having a 2-ton helicopter land … on his back. It remained there while he supported it for more than 33 seconds. (He didn’t intend this to happen. It was just a result of his odd tattoo … a big ‘H’ in a circle.)

Female workers defined as ‘social drinkers’ earn 14% more than their non-imbibing counterparts.
– “Los Angeles Times”


1934 [72] Sophia Loren (Scicolone), Pozzuoli, Italy, movie actress (Oscar-“Two Women”, 1991 Honorary Academy Award)

1979 [27] Rick Woolstenhulme, Gilbert AZ, rock drummer (Lifehouse-“Hanging By a Moment”)

“International Student Day”, honoring the ‘diligence & hard work’ of students everywhere. Snort!

1946 [60] “Cannes Film Festival” debuts on the French Riviera (world’s top-ranked, just ahead of Toronto)

1917 [89] 1st Canadian income tax begins as ‘temporary war measure’ (um, is the war over yet?)

1921 [85] 1st ‘Radio Newscast’ airs (KDKA Pittsburgh PA)

1998 [08] In a surgical 1st, doctors in Lyon, France sew a donor’s hand onto a man whose own had been amputated in an accident 14 years previously (“My god, I can clap again!”)

[Thurs] Miniature Golf Day
[Thurs] World Gratitude Day
[Fri] Native American Day
[Fri] Hobbit Day
[Fri] Dear Diary Day
[Fri] Elephant Appreciation Day
[Fri] Good Neighbor Day
[Fri] Centenarians Day
[Sat] Autumn begins (12:03 am EDT)
[Sat] Rosh Hashanah (Jewish)
This Week Is … Balance Awareness Week
This Month Is … Self-Awareness Month


What everyday terms mean to guys …
• ‘Communication’ (Scratching out a note before taking off for a weekend with the guys.)
• ‘Commitment’ (Not trying to pick up other women while out with your girlfriend.)
• ‘We’re going to be late.’ (Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.)
• ‘Vulnerable’ (Playing ball without a cup.)
• ‘Remote control’ (A device for scanning through all 500 channels every 2 minutes.)
• ‘Flatulence’ (An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.)
• ‘You cook just like my mom.’ (She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.)

Your band needs a new name (oh, are you in Supernova?). In each of the following groupings, 2 of the names are already taken by real music groups. Try to pick the one that’s still available (in other words, the FAKE) …
GAME #1 –
• The Velcro Pygmies
• Pretentious Flamedogs
• Biochemical Startup [FAKE]

GAME #2 –
• Honest Bob & The Factory-to-Dealer Incentives
• Crossroad Creamery [FAKE]
• Albino Toilet Boys

GAME #3 –
• Evacuation Favorite [FAKE]
• Tracy & The Hindenburg Ground Crew
• Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies

Helium was up; feathers were down; paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Coca Cola fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

Why did the conjoined twins go to England? So the other one could have a chance to drive.

What would you do if you were TRYING to get fired?

Today’s Question: It’s estimated that 50% of kids don’t do THIS at school even though their parents think they do.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Eat any fruits or vegetables.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

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