Wednesday, September 13, 2006        Edition: #3364
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
YESTERDAY Britney Spears reportedly birthed her 2nd little Federline, a 6 lb-11 oz boy in a Cesarean procedure at a Los Angeles hospital but only her mother & sister were present (she named the lad after his father – ‘Absent’) . . . TONIGHT on the season finalé of “Rock Star: Supernova”, Tommy Lee, Gilby Clarke & Jason Newsted choose the lead singer of their new rock band (CBS/Global) . . . TONIGHT a weekly live music component debuts on the results show of “Dancing with the Stars” (ABC/CTV) with a performance by Tom Jones (don’t put a spotlight on him – all the plastic will melt!) . . . 69-year-old movie veteran Jack Nicholson has reportedly checked into an LA-area hospital for treatment of an unknown ‘infection’ (if he’s still up to his old tricks, a little penicillin ought to clear it up) . . . A week after doctoring 500 copies of Paris Hilton’s debut album in stores, British ‘guerilla artist’ Banksy has struck again, placing a life-size replica of a Guantanamo Bay detainee inside Disneyland’s ‘Big Thunder Mountain Railroad’ ride where it remained 90 minutes before being removed (a protest over terrorism suspects being held without charges) . . . New TV shows “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” and “Twenty Good Years” will premiere on AOL OCTOBER 4th, a full week before they debut on NBC-TV (that’s a first!) . . . 29-year-old hottie actor Orlando Bloom is reportedly seeing 36-year-old actress Uma Thurman, even though he only just split with his on & off girlfriend of 4 years, Kate Bosworth (besides being 7 years older than Orlando, Uma’s also an inch taller at an even 6-ft) . . . Australia’s fisheries ministry reports that at least 10 stingrays have been found dead and mutilated on Australia’s eastern beaches since “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin was killed by one LAST WEEK (it’s the revenge of the idiots!) . . . Meantime, a public memorial service for Irwin is expected to be held at Brisbane’s Suncorp Stadium within a week (an indication of the guy’s popularity Down Under – some locals are worried the 52,000-seat venue won’t be large enough) . . . The producer of a mash-up album that combines the classic Beach Boys album “Pet Sounds” and The Beatles’ “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” has been threatened with a multi-million-dollar lawsuit by EMI (the resulting ‘noise-rock experiment’ has been made available online under the title “Sgt Petsounds” by ‘The Beachles’).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alanis Morissette – She’s guest-starring in 3 upcoming episodes of the TV series “Nip/Tuck” (FX/CTV) as the lesbian girlfriend of ‘Dr Liz Cruz’, played by Roma Maffia.
• Barenaked Ladies – TODAY they guest on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV).
• The Beatles – 6 of their album covers will be featured in a collection of commemorative stamps set for release in the UK in JANUARY. Just in case you ever wanted to lick the back of Ringo’s head.
• Bon Jovi – Jon Bon Jovi is teaming with Kenneth Cole to market a menswear line called ‘JBJ’ beginning in OCTOBER. All proceeds will go to a charity for the homeless.
• John Mayer – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Outkast – TONIGHT they guest on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Rod Stewart – He’s considering a reunion of his 1970s group Faces, which included the Rolling Stones’ Ron Wood, as a one-off charity event. The band’s biggest hit was 1971′s “Stay With Me”. Hope the stage is wheelchair accessible.

BS CUTTING-EDGE VOCAB:
• ‘Brainprinting’ – A new crime investigation tool that measures a person’s ‘brain-print’ when they’re shown an image or sample of writing. If the brain recognizes specific details, cops know the suspect has more info on the subject. (Griss’ will be using this on “CSI” in no time.)
• ‘Dirt Pill’ – A pill containing several strains of bacteria designed to stimulate the immune systems of allergic or asthmatic children. (“Wait a sec, little mister. You can’t run off until you eat your vitamin and your dirt pill.”)
• ‘Internet Curators’ – Services that sort the on-line wheat from the chaff and offer a daily condensed version of the ‘best of the Web’. (“The Bull Sheet”, for instance.)

WE’RE #3!
 “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” has finally fallen out of the #1 spot in overseas box office for the first time in 10 weeks. However, it still managed to top the billion-dollar mark and move into 3rd place all-time …
3. “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” ($1.004 billion)
2. “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” ($1,119 billion)
1. “Titanic” ($1.845 billion).
– “Box Office Mojo”

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A BS snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 84% of executives say they have passed on potential employees because typos on their résumés.
• 46% of dogs begin watching for their masters up to an hour before they return home each day … even when the owners work irregular hours.
• 41% of teen boys and 25% of teen girls have been involved in a physical fight in the past year.
• 40% of guys say their favorite female beauty ritual to watch is hair-brushing.
• 30% of restaurant patrons bring along their own salad dressing or other condiments.
• 7% of women admit to cheating on their man while he’s glued to the TV watching football.
• 6% of us claim to have never used a swear word … ever.

SAFER SILVERWARE:
British firm Arthur Price is making ‘anti-terrorist cutlery’, designed to follow the latest airline regulations. The knife blades are shorter than 6 cm (less than 2.5 inches) with rounded ends, and the fork prongs are less than 3 cm (about 1 inch), considered too short to be used as a weapon. (Unfortunately, the airline’s rubber chicken can still be fatal.)
– “London Observer”

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … The likelihood you will support a left-wing political candidate increases by 2% for each daughter you have. And conversely, according to a new UK study, the number of sons you have increases the likelihood of right-wing voting.
• Scientists say … Drinking 4 or more cups of tea every day could be more beneficial than drinking water. It seems tea not only re-hydrates you but also offers protection against heart disease and cancer.
• Scientists say … People with female-sounding user names in online chat rooms receive 25 times more suggestive or threatening messages from strangers as those who choose male or ambiguous names.

DO NOTHING AND LOSE WEIGHT:
• Watch the kids for 1 hour – 327 calories.
• Bang your head against a wall for 1 hour – 150 calories.
• Sit in a meeting for an hour – 122 calories.
• Talk for 30 minutes on the phone – 61 calories.
• Foreplay for 30 minutes (is that possible?) – 61 calories.
• Wash your hands for 2 minutes – 16 calories.
• Make the bed for 5 minutes – 13 calories.
– “Totally Useless Facts”

DO-IT-YOURSELF ‘DO:
Hairdresser Salvador Calvano’s work has appeared on the covers of fashion magazines like “Elle”, “Glamour” and “Vogue”. And he also cuts his own hair! A few of his tips for those too cheap to pay for a new style …
• Cut your hair when it’s dry.
• Don’t cut in straight lines.
• For short styles, don’t bother with a mirror; feel around your head, pulling each section and trimming.
• Go very, very slowly … there’s no putting it back after it’s snipped!.
– “Arizona Republic”

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average married couple engages in 20 minutes of conversation or less per day.
– “Christian Science Monitor”

AND WE QUOTE:
“It’s not often you get to spend the evening with the future king wearing a bikini.”
– A reveler at an ‘007 Party’ held at the Royal Military Academy in Sandhurst UK, where 24-year-old British royal Prince William showed up as a ‘Bond’ girl’ complete with sassy pout, and his girlfriend Kate Middleton portrayed Sean Connery in a wetsuit with a toy gun.

THE BULL SHEET 09.13.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1968 [38] Brad Johnson, Marietta GA, NFL QB (Minnesota Vikings, 2003 Super Bowl-Tampa Bay Buccaneers)

1971 [35] Stella McCartney, London UK, fashion designer (Gucci, Chloe)/Paul & Linda McCartney’s daughter/PETA advocate/Heather Mills hater

1975 [31] Joe Don Rooney, Baxter Springs KS, country musician (Rascal Flatts-“My Wish”, “Me & My Gang”)

1977 [29] Fiona Apple (McAfee), NYC, pop singer (“Criminal”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Computer Programmers Day”, honoring all the geeks who keep coming up with ever innovative ways of freezing up our PCs.

• “Peanut Day”. Peanuts are not really nuts at all but legumes (edible seeds enclosed in pods). As a group, legumes provide the best source of concentrated protein in the plant kingdom. A few recent facts about peanuts …
• Research shows that peanuts and peanut butter help reduce heart disease risk by 14%.
• A Harvard study shows peanuts and peanut butter may also reduce risk of type 2 diabetes.
NET: http://www.peanut-institute.org

• “Positive Thinking Day”, thanks to some eager-beaver keener somewhere.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1993 [13] 1st episode of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” on NBC-TV (first guest: actor John Goodman)

2000 [06] 1st night of 2-episode special Canadian edition of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” on CTV, hosted by Pamela Wallin (about $60,000 is given away after Canadians spend well over a million bucks on $2-phone calls attempting to qualify)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1996 [10] Rapper Tupac Shakur dies at age 25 in a Las Vegas hospital, 6 days after a drive-by shooting  FACTOID: Yahoo! Music has launched a special Tupac tribute site that will stay up for the entire month. It includes video clips of friends and other recording artists and a video timeline of his life and career.
NET: http://music.yahoo.com/promos/tupactribute/

1997 [09] Best-selling single recording of all-time is released (Elton John’s tribute to Princess Diana, “Candle in the Wind 1997”, sells over 35 million copies worldwide)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1996 [10] USA defeats Canada 5-2 in sudden-death final of 1st “World Cup of Hockey” (Canadians gasp in shame, while most Americans aren’t even aware of it)

1996 [10] Toronto Blue Jay Charlie O’Brien becomes 1st catcher to wear a hockey goalie mask in a Major League Baseball game

1992 [14] 1st ‘puntless’ football game in NFL history as Jim Kelly-led Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers led by Steve Young rack up 1,086 yards in total offense – without punting the ball once (Bills win 34-31)

2001 [05] 1st time most of us hear the name Osama Bin Laden as he’s fingered by the US government as the mastermind behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1922 [84] Maximum outdoor shade temperature ever recorded (58 C/136 F at Al’azizyah, Libya)

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] “Survivor: Cook Islands” debuts (CBS/Global)
[Thurs] International Cross-Culture Day
[Thurs] Pregnant Women’s Day
[Sat] Collect Rocks Day
[Sat] Working Parents Day
[Sat] Independence Day (Mexico)
[Sun] Women’s Friendship Day
[Sun] “Canadian Idol” season finalé (CTV)
[Sun] “The Amazing Race 10” debuts (CBS/CTV)
[Sun] 2006 Terry Fox Run
[Mon] The CW TV network debuts (WB & UPN)
This Week Is … Financial Services Week
This Month Is … Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Month

BULL’S BITS

YOU KNOW YOUR COMPUTER IS GETTING OLD IF …
• Your DVD speed is … 45 rpm.
• The only chip inside it is a Dorito.
• To reboot it, you use a 12-oz hammer.
• Your new wristwatch has more RAM.
• The ‘Num Lock’ on the abacus is broken.
• The hard-drive is made of wood.
• The young guy who sold it too you is now a Wal-Mart greeter.
• The local school won’t even take it as a donation … as a doorstop.
• You bought it yesterday.

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Who are these people who brake as they approach green lights and can they have their own roads?
• If dogs have such a great sense of smell, why do they ram their noses into your butt?
• Do we call it ‘Generation X’ because everyone’s divorced?
• At a concert, the front row is where you find the white drugs. Shouldn’t that be the ‘nose bleed section’?
• What color are BIG lies?

WHAT SHE WANTS IN A MAN WHEN SHE’S 22 …
• Handsome.
• Financially successful.
• A caring listener.
• An imaginative, romantic lover.
WHAT SHE WANTS IN A MAN WHEN SHE’S 42 …
• Not too ugly.
• Works steady.
• Doesn’t nod off while she’s emoting.
• Shaves on weekends.

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• You know, when you think about it what men should really worry about is an ADVANCING hairline.
• You should never buy a brand of pantyhose that uses the slogan, “We’re in it for the long run.”

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• If your partner objects to what you are wearing, would you change your clothing? Why?
• If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS happens more often at a baseball game than at a football game.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A marriage proposal on the jumbo screen.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Be yourself! There isn’t anyone better qualified.


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