Thursday, September 15, 2005        Edition: #3116
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT “Survivor Guatemala: The Mayan Empire” debuts as a new cast of 16 contestants faces a grueling 11-mile overnight hike to their new home, facing 2 surprises along the way (“Survivor: Palau” cast members Stephenie LaGrossa & Bobby Jon Drinkard are taking part in this 11th season, perhaps as tribe mentors or some kind of Mayan rulers) . . . “The Smoking Gun” has discovered that Alla Wartenberg, a candidate for “The Apprentice 4″ (debuting SEPTEMBER 22), once worked as a stripper in Vegas under the stage name ‘Ecstasy’ and had a client who robbed & killed 3 people in order to pay her (then HE’S the guy who should be on “The Apprentice”!) . . . Paris Hilton tells “Us Weekly” she’s worried she’ll be mocked if her singing career fails (don’t worry, we’ll mock you anyway) . . . HBO has picked up its hit series “Rome” for a 2nd 12-episode season, but in true HBO fashion it won’t air again until 2007 . . . THIS FALL TV networks are taking a cue from ABC-TV’s success LAST SEASON with “Desperate Housewives” and “Lost” by putting most of their marketing resources behind just a few shows, including “My Name Is Earl” (NBC), “Reunion” (FOX), “Everybody Hates Chris” (UPN) . . . Dave Chappelle tells the “Cincinnati Enquirer” he walked away from his Comedy Central series (and the reported $50-million contract) because he was ‘unhappy with the direction of his show’ (he’s returned to doing standup in clubs for a lousy 50 bucks and free drinks) . . . The War Child charity album “Help: A Day in the Life” is set to become the fastest-selling download album to date (at its peak, the Website was making a sale every second) . . . “Star” magazine is reporting that buxom blondes Pam Anderson & Anna Nicole Smith got into a nasty fight in the ladies’ room at a private party after the “World Music Awards” in LA (cool, will this be available on pay-per-view?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bonnie Raitt – TONIGHT she’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Justin Timberlake – He’s planning to move to London with girlfriend Cameron Diaz while he performs in the stage play “Resurrection Blues” at the Old Vic Theatre, where Kevin Spacey is artistic director.
• Michael Jackson – Word is he recently rented out the entire Wild Wadi park in Dubai, inviting local parents – and their children – to enjoy the waterslides for free. MJ reportedly showed up in a skintight white Lycra body suit, complete with hooded mask. Nice to see he’s back to normal. Meantime, for his upcoming hurricane relief recording, “From the Bottom of My Heart”, Jackson has reportedly recruited a slew of top artists, including Mariah Carey, Snoop Dogg, Jay Z, Lenny Kravitz, Missy Elliott, Ciara, R Kelly & Mary J Blige to perform. Why would are all these people want to collaborate with him?
• Rolling Stones – Keith Richards says he can’t commit to play Johnny Depp’s dad in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequels because they’re shooting while the Stones are touring. He did spend a day with Depp on the film set, however, and even tried on some costumes.

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
“Clerks” director Kevin Smith is auctioning off a walk-on role in “Clerks 2″ that’s ‘guaranteed not to hit the cutting room floor’, with proceeds to Hurricane Katrina survivors . . . “Napoleon Dynamite” star John Heder is set to play the title role in “Mama’s Boy”, about an arrogant pseudo-intellectual who still lives at home, until his mom falls for a self-help guru and decides to marry him . . . Russell Crowe has confirmed he’s considering bringing back his dead “Gladiator” character in a sequel, thanks to a clever script from Australian singer/songwriter Nick Cave . . .
Crowe is also considering reprising his role as ‘Captain Jack Aubrey’ in a sequel to “Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World”, which was based on a 20-book series by late author Patrick O’Brian . . . Martin Scorsese will next direct a bigscreen version of the Pulitzer Prize-winning Edmund Morris book, “The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt”, with Leonardo DiCaprio set to star (the 4th time he teams with Scorsese, having already made “Gangs Of New York”, “The Aviator” & “The Departure” due NEXT YEAR) . . . “Casino Royale” producers are up against it trying to find the next ‘James Bond’, with Julian McMahon (“Fantastic Four”, ”Nip/Tuck”) now out of the running after his reps reportedly demanded an outrageous amount of money . . . And Renee Zellweger’s intent on doing another musical and word has it she’s bending several ears on the idea of a remake of Liza Minnelli’s 1972 hit “Cabaret”.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A German woman accidentally burned her house down while trying to – kill the spiders in her garage. She first sprayed an aerosol on them, then lit them up a lighter. The garage caught fire, then the hedge, and then her house. Firefighters managed to extinguish the blaze and save a neighboring house. The family has had to find somewhere else to say – but the spiders are gone!
• The Headingley Correctional Centre near Winnipeg has stopped serving tea because inmates have been using tea bags to make cigarettes. Smoking has been banned since 2003, but creative cons discovered they could make their own smokes by boiling nicotine chewing gum, sprinkling the residue on dried tea bag leaves, and then rolling them.
• A British man is living in a ditch with just a few items of clothing, a cooking stove, and a sleeping bag to show that it’s possible to survive without the luxuries of modern life. 32-year-old Hugh Sawyer, an Oxford University graduate who works for Sotheby’s auction house, commutes to work in London each morning after sleeping in a rural woods. He says he’s trying to prove it’s possible to maintain a full existence while cutting back.

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 90% of women claim they have been hit on at work.
• 77% of 40-plus women say they wouldn’t go back to their 20s because their love life is better now.
• 60% of people polled don’t think a woman should date a man that weighs less than her.
• 14% of married people do not know their spouses’ ATM pin number.
• 11% of women say mac & cheese is their favorite ‘comfort food’.
• 6% of single guys admit to buying or borrowing a pet in an attempt to improve their dating life.

PRIVACY AT YOUR PC:
Mitsubishi Electric Research Laboratories have developed eyewear called ‘Ferroelectric Shutter Glasses’ and a special device driver to produce a computer display which can be read only by the user, not by an onlooker. Here’s how it works: The display alternately flickers between 2 images, causing unauthorized viewers to perceive only a static-filled screen. The user with the synchronized eyewear, however, sees only the desired image. (The bad news is, it’ll cost you a lot of loot to surf naked sites on company time.)
– “Wired”

HOLLYWOOD’S HOTTEST:
The sexiest single women in show biz …
10. Teri Hatcher (“Desperate Housewives”)
9. Elle McPherson (model who recently split with financier Arpad Busson, father of her 2 sons.)
8. Lindsay Lohan (“Herbie: Fully Loaded”)
7. Eva Mendes (“Hitch”)
6. Jessica Biel (“Elizabethtown”)
5. Tara Reid (“Wild On … Tara”)
4. Rachel McAdams (“Red-Eye”)
3. Mischa Barton (“The OC”)
2. Brooke Burke (“Rock Star: INXS”)
1. Jennifer Aniston (“The Break Up”)
– Netscape Celebrity

THE COST OF WAR:
The anti-terrorism efforts in Iraq & Afghanistan are already the 4th-most-expensive war in US history behind WW 2, Vietnam & Korea. That could quickly change: If the war lasts another 5 years, it will total nearly $1.4 trillion in costs, according to new stats from the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University. It has already cost each American over $850 in military and reconstruction costs since OCTOBER 2001. (Much of it going to major corps like Halliburton.)
– “Christian Science Monitor”

EVERY DAD WILL WANT ONE:
This is sure to give overly-aggressive guys second thoughts before they commit a sexual assault: The prototype of a new female condom that’s intended to identify rapists has been unveiled. The anti-rape device, called the ‘Rapex’, hooks onto an attacker’s penis – and can only be surgically removed. (With a cleaver!)
– AP

KEEP ‘EM BAREFOOT & PREGNANT:
There are a lot of women who won’t like this one bit: New research from Britain’s Institute for Social & Economic Research shows that married men make more money than their bachelor friends … as long as their wives stay home and do all the housework. Why? Researchers Elena Bardasi & Mark Taylor, who conducted the 13-year study of 3,500 men, have 2 possible explanations …
• When a woman takes full responsibility for household chores, it allows her husband to better concentrate on his paid work, which in turn increases his productivity.
• A man married to a wife who does all the housework has time to sharpen his work skills, which could trigger a higher salary.
(But before you encourage her to quit and stay home, remember this – 2 people working still results in more money than one spoiled husband.)
– Reuters

CALLING ALL CONSOLES:
Sony Corp is recalling some 3.5 million faulty power adaptors for its popular PlayStation 2 video game console because they may overheat and cause shocks or burns. The adaptors were made between August and December 2004 for the slim-line PlayStation 2, which has a free-standing power adaptor to save space. The devices were sold throughout North America, Europe & Asia. PlayStation 2 owners can go to a special Website to determine if their adaptors are being recalled. (And if they’ll have opportunity to sue for injury.)
NET: http://www.ps2ac.com
– Reuters

DID YOU KNOW?
Women are 13% more likely than men to have a good work-personal life balance.

THE BULL SHEET 09.15.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [59] Oliver Stone, NYC, movie director/screenwriter (3 Oscars-“Platoon”, “Born on the Fourth of July”, “Midnight Express”)

1946 [59] Tommy Lee Jones, San Saba TX, movie actor (Oscar-“The Fugitive”)

1961 [44] Dan Marino, Pittsburgh PA, NFL analyst (“The NFL Today” on CBS, “Inside the NFL”)/legendary former NFL QB (Miami Dolphins)/Pro Football Hall of Fame (2005)

1984 [21] Prince Harry (Henry Charles Albert David Windsor of Wales), London UK, Prince Charles & Princess Diana’s #2 son who’s 3rd in line to the British throne (but 1st in line at a pub or party)  FACTOID: TODAY a new coin is being released in honor of his 21st birthday but it will only be legal tender in Aldernay, in the Channel Islands, where it’s being issued.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua] “Independence Day” (1821)
[UK] “Battle of Britain Day” (1940)
[USA] “Hispanic Heritage Month” (through OCTOBER 15)

TODAY is “National School Psychology Day”, a day of recognition for the field of school psychology and its contribution to education. (“Alright Trevor, we CAN talk about your aptitude test results, but first you have to put the gun down.”)

TODAY is “National Care Givers Day”. Why is it that one of the most important occupations is also one of the worst paying?

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1993 [12] A 13-year-old boy files a lawsuit against Michael Jackson, alleging sexual abuse and
seduction (later settled out-of-court for an estimated $20 million)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1971 [34] 12 members of Vancouver’s ‘Don’t Make a Wave Committee’ found the environmental organization ‘Greenpeace’

1982 [23] 1st edition of “USA Today” newspaper features lead story about Princess Grace dying in auto accident

1983 [22] Former Montréal roommates Chris Haney & Scott Abbott launch the phenomenally successful board game “Trivial Pursuit” (they’ve since sold out to Hasbro)

COMING UP . . .
[Fri] National POW/MIA Recognition Day
[Fri] Collect Rocks Day
[Fri] Working Parents Day
[Fri] Paul McCartney tour begins [Miami]
[Sun] 57th Primetime Emmy Awards
[Sun] 20th Farm Aid [Tinley Park IL]
[Sun] Womens Friendship Day
[Sun] 25th Terry Fox Run
This Week Is . . . Child Injury Prevention Week
This Month Is . . . Library Card Sign-up Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• Should midgets be paid under the table?
• Can you just pretend to give mimes money?
• If necessity is the mother of invention, why do we have so much useless crap?
• Can bald people get hairline fractures?
• If this is the computer age, how come shoe stores still use that medieval looking device to measure your feet?
• Why are all the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe pointed AWAY from Earth?
• If ‘vegetarians’ eat vegetables, what do ‘humanitarians’ eat?

REAL CLASSIFIED ADS:
• “Free puppies: half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor’s dog.”
• “1 man, 7 woman hot tub … $850.”
• “Snow-blower for sale … only used on snowy days.”

IN A WORD:
• What do you call a group of kittens? [A ‘kindle’.]
• What do you call pregnant goldfish? [A ‘twit’.]
• What is a group of geese called? [Trick question! On the ground it’s a ‘gaggle’ but if they’re flying it’s a ‘skein’.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average person will spend a total of 6 years doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dreaming.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


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