September 29, 2004

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004        Edition: #2876
Get a Load of This Sheet!

TONIGHT the ABC-TV reality series “Wife Swap” debuts, an idea it imported from the UK that FOX-TV blatantly ripped off (“Trading Spouses”) and already aired (ABC plans to also spin it off into “Husband Swap” and “Boss Swap”) . . . TONIGHT  Bill Cosby hosts a “Ray Charles Tribute Concert” at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills CA, featuring performances by Michael McDonald & James Ingram (proceeds to the Ray Charles Performing Arts Center in Atlanta) . . . TONIGHT at the 5th “Directors Guild of America Honors” at NYC’s Waldorf-Astoria, honorees will include director Jonathan Demme, actor Robert De Niro & producer Lorne Michaels . . . Remember that robbery at the Hilton sisters Hollywood home? Part of what was scooped has now surfaced – trashy tabloid “News of the World” claims to have obtained video of Paris ‘writhing in the back of a car‘ with her ex- Nick Carter, and frolicking with another former boyfriend, Tommy Hilfiger model Jason Shaw (here comes “12 More Hours in Paris”) . . . Word is newlyweds (at least in the spiritual sense) Britney Spears & Kevin Federline have accepted an offer to honeymoon in Britain at Madonna & Guy Ritchie’s Ashcombe Estate . . . Hollywood insiders say 1 of 4 actors – Russell Crowe, George Clooney, Tom Hanks or Hugh Jackman – will  will be chosen by director Ron Howard for the coveted lead role of ‘Robert Langdon‘ in the movie version of the mega-selling novel “The Da Vinci Code” . . . And because you really, really need to know, the identity of former “Sex & the City” star Cynthia Nixon’s lesbian lover has been revealed – Christine Marinoni, director of NYC’s Alliance for Quality Education (thank gawd, we’ll finally be able to sleep).

• Christina Aguilera – TODAY she appears on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” ‘doing something she’s never done before’. (Worn something modest?).
• Randy Travis – TODAY he receives a star on the ‘Hollywood Walk of Fame’. He’s just put the finishing touches on “Passing Through”, an album of country and inspirational songs set for release in NOVEMBER.
• Usher – He’s reportedly been seeing model Naomi Campbell when he’s on the east coast and former girlfriend Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas when he goes west. (Obviously there’s more than one ‘Boo’.)
• Eminem – He has dressed in drag for footage he’ll likely use in the upcoming video “Just Lose It”. Word is he wears full makeup, a long ponytail and conical bra to mock Madonna as she appeared during her “Blonde Ambition Tour”.
• Barenaked Ladies – They’ve signed a deal to create a FOX-TV pilot for a comedy/variety show in which they’ll perform their music as well as do improv skits with guests.
• Travis Tritt – He’s urging fans to donate non-perishable items during his FRIDAY concert in Mobile AL to assist in storm relief. The Gulf Coast was hit hard by Hurricane Ivan.
• Switchfoot – The San Diego CA band is complaining that all the touring due to the popularity of their hit “Meant To Live” hasn’t left them with much time to surf … their favorite pastime.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Thud Factor’ – A characteristic of a book or magazine that measures its relative weight by the ‘thud’ it makes when you drop it on a desk or table. (“Careful you don’t squash the cat when you put that ‘Cosmo’ down. With all those ads, it’s got a thud factor of like 9-and-a-half.”)
• ‘Glass Cliff ‘ – Women who smash through the so-called ‘glass ceiling’ are increasingly facing  a new form of discrimination … when they are finally offered a top job, it tends to be with a failing company. They’re left teetering on a ‘glass cliff’ after being handed a ‘poison chalice job’.
• ‘Hyperparenting’ – A current child-rearing style in which parents are intensely involved in managing, scheduling, and enriching all aspects of their children’s lives. (“I don’t KNOW if you can play on the swings, Amanda … check your DayTimer!”)

Reality TV shows make up 4 of the top 5 most expensive shows to advertise on. Leading the pack is “American Idol”, which costs on average $658,333 per 30-second spot, although the Tuesday edition is slightly cheaper at $620,000. “ER” follows the two editions of “Idol”, but in 4th place is “Survivor: Vanuatu” which is charging $412,833 for a 30-second spot compared with $390,367 last season. “The Apprentice” is next, with an average cost of $409,877 for a 30-second ad. (On the other end of the scale, ads for this show are just a dollar ninety-eight … and we throw in a compilation CD!)
– “Advertising Age”

In order to keep her $3-million modeling deal with Victoria’s Secret, Heidi Klum had to get back to her normal weight within a month after giving birth – and she did it (don’t you just hate her?) . Meanwhile, Mick Jagger’s 20-year-old model daughter Elizabeth has been warned she’ll lose her $900,000 modeling contract with cosmetics giant Lancome unless she GAINS weight, an ultimatum reportedly issued after her shocking skeletal appearance at London’s “Fashion Week”.
– “Sun”/”Daily Mirror”

Florida International University biologists have discovered that autumn leaves seem to turn color in a crazed metamorphosis to better absorb ultraviolet rays and remain alive a little longer. The biologists believe trees purposefully produce the colors as a last gasp attempt to keep the leaves attached. (If you listen really closely, you can hear them screaming.)
– “Globe & Mail”

Virgin Atlantic honcho Richard Branson has announced plans to boldly go where no airline company has gone before – outer space. Starting in 2007, passengers able to shell out $200,000 per ticket will soar for 3 hours through the stratosphere aboard a Virgin Galactic spacecraft. Branson says once they’re 80 miles above Earth’s surface, passengers will get to experience several minutes of zero gravity, enjoy spectacular views and possibly … a gin-and-tonic.
– “Daily News”

The newly-released “Reality TV Handbook” is a how-to guide that teaches you how to become a reality TV whore. Its subtitle sums it up – “How To: Ace a Casting Interview, Form an Alliance, Swallow a Live Bug, and Capitalize on Your 15 Minutes of Fame”. ABC-TV exec John Saade, who co-wrote the book with Joe Borgenicht, says the book is partly for those wanting to prepare for a show, partly for those wanting to imagine what they would do in a certain situation, and partly for humor.
– “Calgary Sun”

• The average person flexes finger joints 25 million times during their lifetime. (17 million of them while flipping the bird on the freeway.)
• 60% of kids that grow up to be juvenile delinquents can be spotted in kindergarten, according to a recent study at the University of Montréal. (‘A’ is for ‘arson’.)

• “I promised (my wife) Mavis I would take her out for dinner before I turned 60.”
– Jay Leno giving reasons he’ll retire from the “Tonight Show” in 2009 at age 59.
• “I don’t have the perfect voice. I don’t think I would last 10 minutes on a TV show like ‘American Idol’.”
– REM lead singer Michael Stipe in “Time Out” magazine.


1935 [69] Jerry Lee Lewis (“Killer”), Ferriday LA, oldies rock ‘n roll singer (“Great Balls of Fire”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986)/Hollywood Walk of Fame (1989)

1961 [43] Tom Sizemore, Detroit MI, movie actor (“Black Hawk Down”, “Saving Private Ryan”)   convicted of assaulting & harassing ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss and now facing felony charges for possession of a controlled substance

1970 [34] Danielle Spencer, Sydney AUS, movie & TV actress (“Home & Away”)/Mrs Russell Crowe since 2003

TODAY is “Michaelmas”, the feast day of St Michael the Archangel, the patron saint of exorcists. It’s also known as “Goose Day” in some places, thanks to the old English proverb which says, “If you eat goose on Michaelmas Day, you will never want money all the year round.” In the middle ages it celebrated the end of the harvest, when laborers were paid for their work with meat, fish, ale and good bread.

TODAY is “National Women’s Health & Fitness Day”, focusing attention on the importance of regular physical activity and health awareness for women. The goal of this event is to encourage women to take control of their personal health.

TODAY is “Pumpkin Day”, celebrating the orange member of the squash family best known for being carved into jack-o-lanterns or made into pie filling. It can also be boiled, sliced, fried, puréed or used in soups. The French make pumpkin jam and the Italians use it as a filling for sweet ravioli. Did you know that pumpkins are 90% water? Or that they were once recommended for removing freckles and curing snake bites?

THIS MONTH is “Baby Safety Month”, a reminder to ‘baby-proof’ your home by checking car seats and cabinet latches, discarding old medications and sharp-edged toys, tying up the cords of mini-blinds and drapes, and making sure sleepwear is flame-retardant.

1994 [10] Triple X-rated movie “John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut” premieres in Hollywood

1999 [05] Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker” becomes her 14th #1 single on “Billboard” ‘Hot 100′, a feat surpassed only by the Beatles (20) and Elvis Presley (18)

1987 [17] Compaq introduces its leading edge ‘laptop computer’, using an Intel 386 processor, weighing 20 lbs, and costing $10,000

[Thurs] Mud Pack Day
[Fri] World Vegetarian Day
[Sat] Name Your Car Day
[Sat] World Farm Animal Day
[Sun] 2nd Western Canadian Music Awards (Calgary)
[Tues] Techies Day
[Tues] “Fahrenheit 9/11″ released on DVD
This Week Is . . . Roller Skating Week
This Month Is . . . Food Allergy Awareness Month


• You used to try to avoid temptation. Now it avoids you.
• You’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
• When you worry about ‘getting enough’, you’re worrying about fiber.
• When you have a choice of two temptations, you pick the one that will get you home earlier.
• ‘Getting lucky’ means finding your car in the mall parking lot.
• Everywhere you look – knickknacks!       

3 of the following are actual headlines from tabloids. 1 is a total fake … but which?
• “Tree-Climbing Crocs Found in South America!”
• “Mexicans Use Slingshot to Sneak Into US!”
• “One-Legged Dog Confused by Fire Hydrant!” [FAKE]
• “Larry King’s Head Is Getting Bigger!”

Q: Who will soon be known as 55170-054?
A: Martha Stewart. That’s her official inmate number, assigned by the US Bureau of Prisons.
– E! Online

True Bethel Baptist Church in Buffalo NY is the first church anywhere to have its own – Subway restaurant. According to Rev Darius Pridgen, the purpose is to raise money and provide job training for younger members of the congregation. If the Subway is operated as a means of raising funds for the church, is it exempt from taxes? And before you mow down on a 12-inch hoagie … do you have to say grace?
PHONER: 716.895.8222

• May your life be like toilet paper … long and useful.
• Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower cellphone bills.

Today’s Question: 81% of THESE are women.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Vegetarians.

$70,000 cars don’t make a man any less bald.

Look for Your Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition of “The Bull Sheet”!

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