Tuesday, September 21, 2004        Edition: #2870
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

TONIGHT is the 2-hour premiere of the 13-episode CBC-TV series “Making The Cut”, hosted by Scott Oake and featuring NHL coaches Mike Keenan & Scotty Bowman in a search for Canada’s best unsigned hockey players (the only hockey you’re gonna see on TV this winter) . . . TONIGHT moviemaker Chris Marino will appear on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” to discuss his new film “Combover: the Movie”, a documentary chronicling his 18-month cross-country quest to find the ultimate comb-over (what a waste of time – you can see it on “The Apprentice” every week!) . . . “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner has been selected as the first inductee into the Erotic Museum of Hollywood’s ‘Hall of Fame’ . . . “The OC Mix Volume 2″ will be coming out soon, followed by an “OC Christmukah” album, but the new season of “The OC” doesn’t start until NOVEMBER 4th . . . Looks like losing weight can lead to pregnancy – former pop singer/TV host Carnie Wilson is expecting her first child after undergoing gastric bypass surgery a while back and losing – 150 lbs! . . . Actress Nicole Kidman tops “BRW” magazine’s new list of Australia’s richest women under 40, with a total estimated nest egg worth $107 million . . . Fellow Aussie Russell Crowe is at war with the Australian Navy over published pictures of his little son Charles on the balcony of his chic Sydney harbor pad that he figures could only have been snapped from the adjacent naval base, which Crowe claims is a breach of security . . . Ashton Kutcher & Jason Goldberg, the brilliant minds behind “Punk’d”, now have a 6-episode order from the WB for a ‘top-secret makeover/dating’ series (hopefully it will involve the torture of B-list celebs).

• Norah Jones – TODAY a re-issued 2-disc ‘Special Deluxe Edition’ of her latest CD “Feels Like Home” hits music stores, including 3 bonus music tracks plus a DVD with 4 live tracks recorded in Spain, 2 music videos, and an interview. (Is this to juice up sales figures?)
• Eminem – Word is he’ll appear naked in the first video from his upcoming CD “Encore”, except for shoes and socks – including one sock wrapped around his little ‘Stan’. His 4th CD hits stores NOVEMBER 16th. (Hey Em’ … isn’t that a baby’s sock?)
• Whitney Houston – Bravo! cable network has ordered up 10 one-hour episodes of a reality series about her hubby Bobby Brown in which she’ll also appear. The series will premiere NEXT SPRING. (“Black Eye From the High Guy”?)
• Willie Nelson – TODAY his new CD “Outlaws & Angels” is released, which features collaborations with Merle Haggard, Toby Keith, Kid Rock and … huh? … Keith Richards.
• Keith Urban – TODAY his new CD “Be Here” is out. He launches his first-ever headlining tour in support of the album OCTOBER 8th in Muncie IN.

• “Mean Girls” (Teen Comedy – DVD): Lindsay Lohan plays a teenager who’s life changes radically as she goes from being home-schooled in Africa by her zoologist parents to entering high school in the USA where she ends up battling the ‘A-list’ girl clique. Music by Pink, Missy Elliott, Kelis, and The Donnas.
• “Coffee & Cigarettes” (Comedy – DVD): A series of 11 short vignettes on widely diverse topics that all have coffee and cigarettes in common, created and directed by Jim Jarmusch and filmed in black & white – over a 17-year period! Stars Bill Murray, Cate Blanchett & Steve Buscemi. Appearances by musicians Iggy Pop, Tom Waits, White Stripes, and Wu-Tang Clan.
• “Star Wars Trilogy Special Edition” (Sci-Fi – DVD): The original 3 “Star Wars” films are finally on DVD, with director’s commentary from George Lucas, a ‘making-of’ documentary, and behind-the-scenes footage.

Doctors in China have developed a cure for arthritis that many outside of China may be reluctant to try. It’s made with ant juice. Yup, the docs say a mixture of squashed ants and water can reverse arthritis in a flash!
– BBC World News

Sharp Corp has introduced a microwave oven, so far called the ‘AX-HC1′, that uses superheated steam to melt fat from food. The oven’s combination of convection heat and condensation heat makes fats liquefy and flow out of foods, purportedly removing an extra 13% of the total fat content. The oven is currently only available in Japan, but is expected to make its way to the North American market soon.
– “NY Times”

New research conducted by an executive headhunting company reveals that men are too embarrassed to admit they’re late for work because of family commitments such as a school run. According to the study by Moloney Search, only 14% of male employees would be comfortable asking for an hour off for a family crisis or commitment, compared to a whopping 98% of females.
– “London Telegraph”

Turn your ordinary cell phone into the ultimate excuse machine! Lying just got easier thanks to Simeda Corp’s new $18 ‘SounderCover’, which lets you download background noises to support less-than-honest phone calls. Use these handy lines and fib away …
• Traffic Jam SFX (“Curse this 3 am Tuesday night rush hour traffic! Golly, it looks like I won’t be home till well after dawn.”)
• Street Voices SFX (“How could I be spending the rent money at a peeler bar if I’m outside going for a really, really, really long walk?”)
• Dentist’s Drill SFX (“Ah’m get ah ’oot annal ah ah ’entiss … ahh uvv ooh! Ina great deal of pain. Wif uck, aw home tonight.”)
• Thunderstorm SFX (“Shopping for your sister’s wedding gift? Sounds like a great way to spend my … uh-oh, typhoon’s a-comin’. Gotta run!”)
NET: http://www.simeda.com
– “Maxim”, September 2004

A recent study of baby talk around-the-world finds that babies seem to make the same pattern of sounds, wherever they live. Even more astounding, these sounds resemble what linguists think may have been the original human language. (The study found that when filling a diaper, 97% of babies worldwide say, “UGGGHHHHNNNN!”)
– ABC News

Pubs across New Zealand have a new weapon in the war on drunk driving. New heat-activated signs in urinals display a message when hit by … well, er … warm liquid. The signs read either: “If You Drink But Don’t Drive, You’re a Bloody Legend” (with a picture of a taxi) or: “If You Drink Then Drive, You’re a Bloody Idiot” (with a picture of a wrecked car). The message disappears when the sign cools down, ready to be re-activated by the next user. The campaign is being run by NZ’s Land Transport Safety Authority under the slogan: “Which Car Will You Piss Off in Tonight?”.
– “New Zealand Herald”

• 12 hunky men have been selected to grace the pages of a soon-to-publish calendar. That’s not unusual, but the calendar is – it’s the “Nebraska Men in Nursing 2005 Calendar”.
•  A court in Shenzhen, China has fined a couple close to $100,000 and sealed off their house for violating the stringent family planning law that restricts couples to only one child.
• A London UK woman who asked mechanics to check a strange sound coming from her car probably wishes she hadn’t – it turned out to be the sound of her buzzing vibrator in her suitcase stowed in the trunk.
• The principal of Jean-Nicolet High School  in Becancour, Québec says at least 20 of his students are missing classes in order to earn up to $30-an-hour harvesting marijuana at illegal plantations hidden in local cornfields.

• According to a survey, the best day of the week to go to the doctor is TUESDAY because, for some reason, there are less appointments made for the day. (Well, there were up until now.)
• Canadians donated $8 billion to non-profit groups LAST YEAR and added 2 billion hours in volunteer work, the equivalent of a million full-time jobs, according to new figures from Statistics Canada.


1934 [70] Leonard Cohen, Montréal QC, Canadian icon/songwriter (“Closing Time”, “Bird on a Wire”)  FACTOID: His new CD “Dear Heather” comes out NEXT TUESDAY, with 12 new songs and a remake of the vintage Patti Page hit “Tennessee Waltz”.
1947 [57] Stephen King, Portland ME, scary author (“The Shining”, “Pet Cemetery”)/first major author to release books on the Internet

1950 [54] Bill Murray, Wilmette IL, movie actor (“Lost in Translation”, “Groundhog Day”)

1957 [47] Ethan Coen, Minneapolis MN, movie producer/director/writer (“The Ladykillers”, Oscar-“Fargo”)

1960 [44] David James Elliott, Milton ON, TV actor (‘Lt Cmdr Harmon Rabb Jr’ on “JAG” since 1995)

1965 [39] Cheryl Hines, Miami Beach FL, TV actress (‘Cheryl David’ on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” since 2000)

1971 [33] Luke Wilson, Dallas TX, movie actor (“Anchorman”, “Old School”)/brother of actor Owen Wilson

1967 [37] Faith Hill, Star MS, country superstar (“Breathe”, “This Kiss”)/Mrs Tim McGraw since 1996

1967 [37] Tyler Stewart, Newmarket ON, rock drummer (Barenaked Ladies-“Another Postcard”, “One Week”)

1972 [32] Liam Gallagher, Burnage UK, rock singer/professional a**hole (Oasis-“Champagne Supernova”, “Wonderwall”)

1981 [23] Nicole Richie (Escovedo), Berkeley CA, TV personality (“The Simple Life 1 & 2″)/spoiled rich girl (recently made daddy Lionel Richie cry when she bought a Mercedes … with her own money)

TODAY is “International Day of Peace”, when people all over the world are encouraged to join together to bring peace to our hearts and our planet. (If this works, it would be the first day of world peace in history.)

TODAY is “Miniature Golf Day”. The first mini-golf was the ‘Tom Thumb Golf Course’ built in 1929 in Chattanooga TN by John Garnet Carter. Nowadays there’s a ‘Professional Miniature Golf Association’ that holds the ‘PMGA Championship’ each year. (Try some golf-whisper play-by-play – “Oooooh, looks like he’s got a bad lie underneath the windmill … “). Check out the mini-golf ‘pro shop’ here, complete with ‘Into the Clown’s Mouth’ T-shirts …
NET: http://www.thepmga.com/Shop/shop.html

TODAY is the “Last Day of Summer” in the Northern Hemisphere. WEDNESDAY the equinox occurs at 12:30 pm EDT, marking the beginning of “Autumn” in the Northern Hemisphere and the start of “Spring” in the Southern Hemisphere. Day and night will be approximately equal in duration.

TODAY is “World Gratitude Day”, ‘to unite all people in a positive emotion of gratitude, creating a world community.’ (Another observance from the ‘Association of the Hopelessly Over-Optimistic’.)

TOMORROW is “Hobbit Day”, commemorating author JRR Tolkein and the birthdays of his “Lord of the Rings” characters ‘Frodo’ and ‘Bilbo Baggins’. Tolkein’s “The Hobbit” was first published 67 years ago TODAY (1937).

1993 [11] “NYPD Blue” premieres on ABC-TV with an ‘adult language’ and ‘nudity’ advisory (due to Dennis Franz’s butt)  FACTOID: TONIGHT the final season of the series premieres with an episode called “Dress For Success”, in which ‘Detective Andy Sipowicz’ has a stalker on his hands.

1999 [05] Mariah Carey releases mega-hit single “Heartbreaker”

1929 [75] 1st legal ‘forward pass’ in Canadian football (by Calgary, vs Edmonton)

1970 [34] 1st “Monday Night Football” game on ABC-TV as NY Jets beat Cleveland Browns 31-21 (Who was in the booth? Play-by-play announcer Keith Jackson, analyst Don Meredith and commentator Howard Cosell)

1995 [09] Canadian Mint unveils design for new $2-coin that includes a polar bear (soon becomes known as the ‘toony’, twony, ‘toonie’, ‘tooney’ or ‘twonie’ – how do YOU spell it?)

[Wed] Ice Cream Cone 100th Anniversary
[Wed] Hobbit Day
[Wed] Elephant Appreciation Day
[Wed] National Centenarians Day
[Sat] One Hit Wonder Day
[Sat] Yom Kippur (Jewish)
[Sat] National Hunting & Fishing Day
This Week Is . . . Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . National Bed Check Month (just checked mine this morning – still married)


Jack Dunamis labels himself the first-ever ‘Astral Travel Agent’. He claims he can help wannabe travelers decide on vacation destinations by reading their energy fields, then mentally transporting himself to a desired travel location before they go. For this unusual ‘service’, he asks 60 bucks an hour.
PHONER: 952.346.8935 (Minneapolis MN)

Your contestant must decide if the following statements are true or just a load of hooey …
• It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs. [TRUE]
• If you put a bee in a film canister for 2 hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey. [BS]
• You should never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs. [BS]
• In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an ‘Honorary Harlem Globetrotter’. [TRUE]
• There is 1 slot machine in Las Vegas for every 8 inhabitants. [TRUE]
• Over 11 thousand people have visited a tortilla chip in New Mexico that appeared to have the face of Christ burned into it. [TRUE]
• When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed 5 gold krugerrands in his small intestine. [BS]
• When immersed in liquid, a dead sparrow will make a sound like a crying baby. [BS]
• During the Vietnam War, the CIA planned to airdrop propaganda in the form of “Playboy” magazine, with coded messages hidden in the Playmate’s turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was scrapped because of a staple shortage due to metal rationing. [BS]
• A Japanese artist once made an exact copy of the “Mona Lisa” completely out of ordinary toast. [TRUE]

Today’s Question: THIS is the #1 memory adults have of kindergarten.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The smell of modeling clay.

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

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