Monday, September 13, 2004        Edition: #2864
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

• Gunmen attempted to kidnap 34-year-old actress Catherine Zeta Jones as she was being taken back to her rented beachside villa from the Mexican set of “Legend of Zorro”. The gang forced her car off the road but she was saved by bodyguards in a separate vehicle, who rammed the banditos’  car and then gave chase. Four suspects have been arrested in San Luis Potosi, about 4 hours north of Mexico City.
– “The Sun”
• OK this time it’s for real, this is really it … er, we think. 38-year-old Scottish actor Dougray Scott will become the 7th to play ‘007’ in the 23rd ‘Bond’ film due NEXT YEAR. He’s reportedly beaten out actors Eric Bana, Clive Owen & Ioan Gruffud to take over the role from Pierce Brosnan. Word has it producers wanted to take the character back to the broody, sexy figure that Sean Connery portrayed. Scott has appeared in some 30 movies including “Mission: Impossible 2″.
– “Sunday Mirror”
• Soccer superstar David Beckham & former Spice Girl wife Victoria are reportedly on the verge of splitting up, despite her current pregnancy. A source says Victoria hasn’t forgiven him for his philandering ways and they’re now exploring a trial separation.
– “News of the World”
• A spin-off of “Sex & the City” is in the works based on Candice Bergen’s recurring role as ‘Enid’, a magazine editor looking for love. While none of the “Sex & the City” stars will be involved, the new show will feature great clothes, love woes and sex talk like the original.
– “Daily Dish”
• “Hawaii Five-O” is coming to the bigscreen. The classic CBS-TV series starring Jack Lord ran from 1968 to 1980. Now a film version will be shot on location in Hawaii and land in theaters sometime in 2006. Casting for the role of ‘Steve McGarrett’, played by Lord, has not yet begun.
– “Star Magazine”
• Jessica Simpson & Burt Reynolds are still in the running to land major roles in the movie version of the ‘70s TV series “The Dukes of Hazzard”. Johnny Knoxville & Seann William Scott have just been cast in the lead roles of ‘Luke’ and ‘Bo Duke’. Simpson would play ‘Daisy Duke’ and Reynolds ‘Boss Hogg’.
– “National Enquirer”
• Jennifer Lopez employs a female faith healer by the name of Merle Gonzalez who expels bad auras and cleanses her house. She also ‘blessed’ the movie set of “Shall We Dance” (opening OCTOBER 15th) and some people say J-Lo has her put hexes on people she feels have done her wrong.
– “Page Six”

• “Island of Transvestites Found in South Pacific!”
• “Nose Hair the Latest French Fashion Craze!”
• “Pope’s Naughty Secret: Guess Whose Panties He Keeps in His Pocket!”
• “I Was Bigfoot’s Love Slave, Now I’m Pregnant with His Baby!”
• “Surfing Chimp Saves Drowning Child!”

• Sam Roberts – TONIGHT he’s on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC-TV.
• 50 Cent – British cops want to question him about allegations he injured a fan by throwing a microphone in his face. It reportedly happened after the crowd at the UK “Reading Festival” booed G-Unit off-stage while throwing plastic water bottles and other items on-stage.
• Madonna – CBS-TV has scrapped plans to air a concert from the “re-Invention Tour” apparently because she wanted it to run over 2 hours – commercial-free. Taping had been scheduled for NEXT WEEK in Portugal.
• Christina Aguilera – She’s applied to have her name patented so it can be plastered on a staggering 450 new products, including crayons, badminton sets, stereos, deodorant and modeling clay.
• Queen – Following the release of a cassette that includes “Bohemian Rhapsody”, the 80s band is now the biggest in Iran, and the first Western rock band to be officially tolerated. Late lead singer Freddie Mercury was Iranian by descent.
• Wynonna Judd – She’s been booked by Olivia Cruises to do an acoustic performance on its cruise ship for lesbian couples.
• Tim McGraw – TODAY he’s on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.
• Beyoncé – Her new clothing line is expected to debut in the fall of 2005. It will he called ‘The House Of Dereon’, named for her grandmother Agnes Dereon. The trademark slogan of the line will be ‘Couture. Kick. Soul.’

• TONIGHT Paul Brandt hosts the “Canadian Country Music Awards” live from Edmonton on CBC-TV and opens the show with his remake of the 1976 CW McCall hit “Convoy”.
• Carolyn Dawn Johnson leads nominations with 7, followed by Doc Walker and Jason McCoy with 5 apiece, then Terri Clark with 4.
• Performers include Gretchen Wilson, Toby Keith, Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Doc Walker, Blackie & the Rodeo Kings, and Emerson Drive.

Associate USC psychology professor Dr Mitch Earleywine, author of the book “Understanding Marijuana”, says that dire warnings about today’s pot being far more potent than 30 years ago are based more on politics than science. He claims the average potency of today’s marijuana is up only very slightly to 7% THC, less than half that used by the Dutch government for medical marijuana sold in pharmacies. He claims this grade of weed is no more dangerous than that smoked by previous generations. (Earleywine has invested his entire income in shares of Doritos.)
– “Hartford Advocate”

Each of the tiny bumps on your tongue contains 250 taste buds. As well as taste buds for ‘sweet’, ‘salty’, ‘sour’ and ‘bitter’, scientists now think we may have a taste bud for ‘fat’. This may explain why fat substitutes don’t seem to provide the same satisfaction as the real thing. (Tonight on Discovery Channel, they’ll test this out by licking actor John Goodman.)
– “Washington Post”

Researchers at the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation say one of the scents that turns women on most is – ‘cucumber’. They have no idea why the aroma proves so arousing. (But they note that substituting mini-gherkins doesn’t work.)
– “Cosmopolitan”

Researchers in the UK have discovered that lonely sheep can be made happier by showing them pictures of their friends & family. In a study carried out at the Babraham Institute in Cambridge, stress levels in sheep were monitored while they were kept in a darkened barn and shown various pictures. According to researchers, sheep became noticeably less stressed and showed fewer signs of agitation when they were shown photos of the faces of familiar sheep. (On the other hand, they were totally panicked when shown photos of the farmer with his rubber boots on.)
– “London Telegraph”

Would you be willing to chop off one of your fingers if it meant keeping your job? A recent poll in Denmark reveals 87% of respondents would. And even more surprising – 48% say they’d have a foot amputated if it meant they could double their salary and be guaranteed a job for life. (And for stock options, 45% of Danish men are willing to become sopranos!)
– Ananova

Help is at hand for pet owners and their neighbors troubled by barking dogs in the form of recordings of new age music blended with sounds of nature. Piano music with twittering birds and murmuring water apparently has a soothing effect on dogs, according to Dutch company LindeTree, which markets the CD. (Unfortunately, playing the sound of gurgling water to your dog is really bad for your living room carpet.)
– “Globe & Mail”

According to Quality Planning Corporation, a company that rates drivers for insurance companies based on the number of accidents they have, the absolute worst drivers by profession are students, doctors, lawyers, architects and real estate agents. Why? Long days, late nights, a tendency to speed and lots of cellphone use while driving. By comparison, the safest drivers by occupation are farmers, firemen, pilots, politicians and homemakers.
– “Enquirer”

• 3.9% of women don’t wear underwear, according to the book “Are You Normal?”.
• Researchers estimate the average duration of a sexual encounter between chimpanzees is 10 seconds. (Just call me ‘Cheetah’.)


1944 [60] Jacqueline Bisset, Weybridge UK, movie actress (“Rich & Famous”, “The Deep”)
1971 [33] Stella McCartney, London UK, fashion designer (Gucci)/Paul & Linda McCartney’s daughter

1975 [29] Joe Don Rooney, Picher OK, country musician (Rascal Flatts-“Feels Like Today”, “Prayin’ For Daylight”)

1977 [27] Fiona Apple (McAfee), NYC, one-hit-wonder pop singer (“Criminal”)

TODAY is “Boss/Employee Exchange Day”, to help employees and their bosses to appreciate each others’ point-of-view. (A good excuse to take the afternoon off and go golfing.)

TODAY is “Positive Thinking Day”, thanks to some eager-beaver keener somewhere. (I dunno, I really don’t see the point in this.)

TOMORROW is “Pregnant Women’s Day”. According to a recent study, less than half of women are happy with the maternity care they get in hospitals and see giving birth as a ‘conveyor belt’ experience. (Most new moms would use far more descriptive words to sum up giving birth.)

TOMORROW is the 40th Anniversary of the Invention of ‘Pop Tarts’. (When a ceiling tile fell into some jelly?)

2000 [04] 1st night of 2-episode special Canadian edition of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” on CTV, hosted by Pamela Wallin (about $60,000 is given away after Canadians spend well over a million bucks on $2-phone calls attempting to qualify)

1990 [14] TV drama “Law & Order” debuts (eventually spawns the spin-off shows “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” and “Law & Order: Criminal Intent”)

1993 [11] 1st episode of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” on NBC-TV

1996 [08] Rapper Tupac Shakur dies at 25 in Las Vegas hospital 6 days after a drive-by shooting (ranks #8 on “Forbes” list of ‘Top-Earning Dead Celebrities’ with $12 million in 2003)

1997 [07] Best-selling single recording of all-time is released (Elton John’s tribute to Princess Diana, “Candle in the Wind 1997″ sells over 35 million copies worldwide)

1992 [12] 1st ‘puntless’ football game in NFL history as Jim Kelly-led Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers led by Steve Young rack up 1,086 yards in total offense – without punting the ball once (Bills win 34-31)

1996 [08] USA defeats Canada 5-2 in sudden-death final of 1st “World Cup of Hockey” (Canadians gasp in shame, while most Americans don’t even know there’s a World Cup of Hockey)

1922 [82] Maximum outdoor temperature ever recorded (58 C/136 F at Al’azizyah, Libya)

[Tues] World Cup of Hockey final (Canada vs Finland in Toronto)
[Tues] International Cross-Culture Day
[Wed] Hat Day
[Wed] World Music Awards (Las Vegas)
[Thurs] Working Parents Day
[Thurs] Women’s Friendship Day
[Thurs] Rosh Hashanah begins at sundown (Jewish)
[Thurs] “Survivor: Vanuatu, Islands of Fire” debuts on CBS-TV
[Sat] Farm Aid 2004 (Auburn WA)
[Sun] 56th Primetime Emmy Awards

National Emergency Preparedness Week
International Housekeepers Week
Fall Hat Week
Child Injury Prevention Week
Full Employment Week
Financial Services Week


• Why would you buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• If ‘vegetarians’ eat vegetables, what do ‘humanitarians’ eat?
• Do other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If you got into a taxi and asked the cabbie to drive backwards, would the driver end up owing YOU money?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Today’s Question: Nowadays there are only about half as many of THESE as there were 6 years ago.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pay phones.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Welcome aboard to returning subscriber Patrick Nicholson @ CIBH (THE BEACH) Parksville BC and to samplers this week that include Noelle Trolio @ KBSG (OLDIES 97.3 FM) Seattle WA; Finton Edwards @ WXPN FM Philadelphia PA; Waina Pihema @ Nga Iwi FM, Paeroa, New Zealand; and Kristie Larsen @  CFOK (CAT COUNTRY) Westlock AB. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new “BS” subscriber you refer!

Printer Friendly Version