Wednesday, September 24, 2003        Edition: #2629
Can You Believe This Sheet?

TODAY Dave Matthews Band plays a benefit concert in NYC’s Central Park that’s expected to draw upwards of 100,000 people, a day after the release of his solo CD “Some Devil” . . . TONIGHT the $500,000 grand prize season finale of “Big Brother 4″ airs on CBS-TV, but will face stiff competition from the season premiere of NBC’s Emmy-winner “The West Wing” . . . Canceling that wedding will cost Bennifer a bundle – 2 Vera Wang wedding dresses (because J-Lo couldn’t decide which to wear) at $320,000 apiece, $800,000 for bridal party dresses, $560,000 for custom-made jewelry, $160,000 for flowers – a total tab estimated at $3.2 million (nothing exceeds like excess) . . . Word has it Madonna’s been indulging in a new alternative to Botox treatments called ‘Beautytox’, a muscle-relaxing serum that’s shot into the skin with an oxygen jet – at $560-a-pop! . . . P Diddy has teamed up with Lincoln to design the limited-edition ‘Sean John Navigator’ which boasts a satellite radio, 6 TVs, 3 DVD players, vibrating & heated front seats, a Sony PS2 and tinted windows – for a MSRP of $85,000 (just 100 will go on sale NEXT MONTH) . . . Party girl & hotel heir Paris Hilton has been spotted making out with yet another guy – this time Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher in a Vegas nightclub . . . The so-called ‘Fab 5′ from the surprise TV hit “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” are only getting paid $3,000 per show – and are reportedly pitching a snit about it . . .”One Upon a Time in Mexico” star Salma Hayek has revealed the diet secret that keeps her looking so svelte – crickets, ant eggs & worms, fried and served up with guacamole in a tortilla (you can’t get fat if you can’t quit ‘purging’) . . . And magician David Blaine is reportedly considering abandoning his latest death-defying stunt, even though he’s only 18 days into a planned 44-day stint without food while suspended above the Thames in London, likely due to the ongoing antagonism from spectators who’ve pelted his plastic box with everything from eggs to golf balls.

New terms that are leaking into our lingo –
• ‘PEBKAC’ – An acronym used by IT specialists that stands for ‘Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair’. In other words, the difficulty is due to user error. (“Our recent network errors were found to be a PEBKAC, and were repaired by firing Ashley Swinson.”)
• ‘Random’ – Hot new term among teens that’s used as an adjective in almost any circumstance, usually to describe something bad. (“I never watch sitcoms … they’re too, like, random.”)
• ‘Nagware’ – A computer program that routinely uses a pop-up window to issue a security warning, ask the user to register the product, or to check for upgrades.
• ‘BOGOs’ – Acronym for sales promotions that offer ‘Buy One Get One’ free. (“You should get down to the vasectomy clinic, they have a BOGO sale on.”)

The new “Zagat Music Guide”, which rates and reviews the top 1,000 albums of all-time, has named Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” the ‘Most Popular Album’, “The Beatles” the ‘Most Influential Artists’, and Marvin Gaye’s “Anthology” the best all-time ‘Make-Out Album’. (Form a group. Discuss.)

In Thailand, college students are required to wear white shirts and black skirts or trousers, but most co-eds flout the dress code by wearing tight blouses and revealing slit skirts. Officials at Bangkok University are so appalled by short, tight uniforms, they’re planning to raffle off gold & diamond jewelry to co-eds who dress more modestly. Each month ‘well-dressed’ students will be entered in a draw to be held at the end of the school year. Students say they won’t be bribed. (When it comes to a choice between boys and bling-bling, it’s a no-brainer.)

Researchers at the Stanley Medical Research Institute in Maryland have found that schizophrenics are more likely to be cat owners. The problem seems to be ‘toxoplasma gondii’, a parasite carried by cats which infects humans and can do terrible things to the brain. Its effects are slow but permanent and can, according to the study, totally change a cat-owner’s personality. (Causing them to do really strange things – like buying more and more cats.)

People who want more ‘body’ in their wine can immerse themselves totally in Bordeaux at a wine spa in southwest France. Guests at the ‘Springs of Caudalia’ health spa are also massaged with wine sauce and hosed down by a jet of $20-a-bottle claret. (And you thought boozy breath was bad.)

TODAY Tom Snyders, who calls himself ‘The Bicycling Comedian’, boards a cruise ship in Vancouver on which he’ll cycle his way to Hawaii. Each day while he’s on-board, he’ll peddle for 8 consecutive hours on a stationary bike. Once he lands on Maui, he plans to ride to the summit of a volcano and perform a comedy show. What’s the point? To complete his bike tour of America that’s taken 16 years. He’s already cycled his way through the other 49 states. (And suffered 4,243 bouts of ‘seat rash’.)

Aromatherapy, the application of aromatic plant oils to create a sense of well-being, has gained wide acceptance as an alternative form of medicine. Here are a few suggested aroma treatments –
• Irritability . . . Slap on some vanilla and you’ll supposedly calm right down.
• Depression . . . A little nutmeg oil will cheer you up.
• Anxiety . . . Try a touch of basil behind the ears.
• Impotence . . . Cinnamon, clover or ginger will perk you right up.
(What aroma is absolutely the biggest turn-on?)
Source: “Rejuvenation: A Wellness Guide for Women & Men”

• The Detroit Tigers are now just 1 or 2 losses shy of the 1962 NY Mets record for MLB single-season losses – 120 games. (Check scoreboard – if Detroit lost LAST NIGHT in Kansas City, they now have a total of 119 and could tie the futility record TONIGHT.)
• All polar bears are left-handed. (The reason they have trouble finding baseball gloves.)
• We spend an average of 220,000 hours asleep in our lifetime, about a third of our lives or about as much time as we spend at work.  (Think how you’d increase your lifespan by combining the two!)


1921 [82] Jim McKay, Philadelphia PA, Emmy Award-winning TV sportscaster (debuted on “ABC’s Wide World of Sports” in 1961)

1948 [55] Gordon Clapp, North Conway NH, TV actor (Det Greg Medavoy on “NYPD Blue” since 1994)

1962 [41] Nia Vardalos, Winnipeg MB, movie actress/screenwriter (“My Big Fat Greek Wedding”)/short-time TV actress (“My Big Fat Greek Life”, cancelled after a couple episodes)  UP NEXT: The movie comedy “Connie & Carla”, coming in 2004.

TOMORROW is “One-Hit Wonder Day”, originally sponsored by “One Shot Magazine” to honor musicians who made it big only once before fading into obscurity. There’s nothing like a one-hit wonder to zap some spice into the daily bland regimen of tight-rotation playlists.
For an artist & title list, try this site –
VH-1 has listed the “100 Greatest One Hit Wonders”. Here’s their top 5 –
5. “Mickey” – Toni Basil
4. “I’m Too Sexy” – Right Said Fred
3. “Come On Eileen” –  Dexys Midnight Runners
2. “Tainted Love” – Soft Cell
1. “Macarena” – Los Del Rio

THIS WEEK the annual “Oktoberfest” is underway in Munich, Germany as revellers attempt to suck suds and inhale sausages & sauerkraut through October 5th. But who has the stamina to party continuously for 2 weeks? This year, butcher Johann Drexel has come to the rescue with a ‘power sausage’ he calls ‘The Breaker’. It’s stuffed with vitamins and an eye-opening shot of caffeine. He claims it perks you up just like an espresso. (But the 4th one of the morning tends to bloat you up.)

THIS WEEK’S annual “Engagement Festival” in Imilchil, Morocco is one of the world’s largest ‘marriage markets’. Some 20,000 gather each year to party and arrange marriages, which entails shouting negotiations and waving legal papers, then having young people sign marriage contracts.

THIS WEEK is “National Imperfection Week”, celebrating the fact that we’re not all perfect. (Some less so than others.)

THIS MONTH is “Subliminal Marketing Month”. The journal “Science” says that subliminal messages actually CAN influence how people think, but only for a brief period of time and only if the message is limited to one word. Tried any subliminal promos on your station?

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1993 Movie “Freaked” opens, starring Keanu Reeves as “Ortiz the Dog Boy” and Mr T as a bearded lady (not a big hit)

1927 [76] Toronto ‘St Patricks’ hockey club 1st uses name ‘Maple Leafs’

1968 [35] 1st edition of “60 Minutes”, TV’s longest running news magazine, with Harry Reasoner & Mike Wallace (who was 50 at the time and is still working today!)

1979 [24] 1st ‘online service’ (CompuServe, later absorbed by AOL)

1984 [19] Longest-ever recorded kiss sets “Guinness Record” at 17 days, 10.5 hours (Eddie Levin & Delphine Crha in Chicago IL)

1988 [15] Ben Johnson runs 100m in record 9.79 secs at Seoul Olympics (touching off a national celebration that goes sour 3 days later when he tests positive for anabolic steroid use and is disqualified)

[Thurs] Shania Twain world tour begins (Hamilton ON)
[Thurs] National Comic Book Day
[Thurs-Sun] Western Canadian Music Awards (Regina SK)
[Fri] Rosh Hashanah begins at sundown
[Fri] Native American Day
[Sat] Ancestor Appreciation Day
[Sat] World Tourism Day
This Week is – Banned Books Week
This Month is – Be Kind to Writers & Editors Month (by renewing your BS subscription!)

THIS WEEK oodles of new TV shows are premiering as the fall season gets underway. Here’s a few …

• The actors are holding each others’ cue cards.
• Laugh track consists of a guy with a wet hacking cough.
• Title contains the words ‘Fat’ and ‘Greek’.
• Actors frequently break character and scream “Good lord, does this suck!”
• The biggest laugh of the night involves a dead chicken in underwear.
• It’s on the CBC.

Q: Do more men wear boxers or briefs?
A: According to a ‘Fruit of the Loom’ poll, 66% of men wear briefs, 22% wear boxers, and 6% go ‘commando’ – not wearing any underwear. (Now let’s talk about the other 6% …)

• Doing nothing is very difficult … you never know when you’re finished.
• I don’t have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.
• I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
• I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
• I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

“Do women want the truth or compliments?”

Three of the following are actual headlines from women’s magazines (“Cosmopolitan”, “Ladies Home Journal”, “Cleo”, Chatelaine”, etc), the other a total BS fake. But which?
GAME #1 –
a. “Hot Lips for Every Occasion!”
b. “Men Unzipped!”
c. “Lose Weight by Becoming a Chocolate Piggy!” [FAKE]
d. “Five Foods That DO Cause Zits”

GAME #2 –
a. “Why 3 Times Is Never Enough” [FAKE]
b. “8 Makeup Tricks that Take Off Years!”
c. “What’s Your Flirting Style?”
d. “How to Feel Sooo Sexy in the Buff”

GAME #3 –
a. “Birth Control Secrets Your Gyno Hasn’t Told You”
b. “Know When It’s Time to Ring the Bell for Round Two” [FAKE]
c. “Living Together: Does It Work?”
d. “How to Totally Rock His Body!”

Today’s Question: Just 7% of women admit to doing THIS during an important meeting at work, but many more would probably like to.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Falling asleep.

Laughter … the no side-effect tranquillizer.

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