Monday, September 22, 2003        Edition: #2627
Another Sheetload of Bull!

TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “E! Online” notes that Jay Leno has invited all 135 California gubernatorial candidates to appear on “The Tonight Show” TONIGHT. Sort of an equal time opportunity after Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy on the show. At least 80 are expected.
• “Daily Dish” reports that actress Demi Moore was spotted defying New York City’s ban on smoking in public places. Even worse, word is she lit up at the Four Seasons restaurant right after she’d made a speech to – the Entertainment Industry Foundation’s Women’s Cancer Research Fund. (Demi couldn’t be reached for comment. She was busy attending the birth of her next boyfriend.)
• “Star“ magazine has gotten to the heart of the Ben Affleck/J-Lo wedding riddle, saying that it was Ben who called off the wedding – because he couldn’t keep up with Jen’s demands for sex 3 times a day. (Apparently it was cutting into his gambling time.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Harrison Ford is so keen to find Calista Flockhart a role in the upcoming “Indiana Jones 4″ that he wrote a small part for her himself. (In the foreign embassy scene, she’ll play the flagpole out front.)
• A source tells “Star” magazine that “Italian Job” star Mark Wahlberg was so overcome with emotion during the 10 hours of labor and delivery of his new baby daughter, he couldn’t hold back and asked girlfriend Rhea Durham to marry him the next day. (Apparently his motto is ‘never rush into anything’.)
• UK’s “Daily Express” says actress Uma Thurman has been spotted cozying up with former bf John Cusack in the wake of her devastating split from cheating husband Ethan Hawke. Cusack, whose most recent celebrity romance was with Meg Ryan, has reportedly carried a torch for Uma all these years but never believed she’d be available again after she married and had kids. (Aw shucks, how’s that old tune go – “Love is lovelier the second time around …”)
• “E! Online” reports that the wing of a plane the Dixie Chicks were traveling in clipped the side of a building after the aircraft landed at Glasgow Airport in Scotland FRIDAY afternoon, but the Chicks, fellow passengers and crew all disembarked safely. (However, Natalie Maines says, “We’re ashamed that pilot is from Texas.”)
• Is this part of her image makeover? If you believe “Sunday Mirror”, Britney Spears and 3 pals recently had a wild evening at the Four Seasons Hotel in Santa Barbara CA, during which Britney jumped up and joined the restaurant pianist in an impromptu performance, then headed down to the beach for a smoke. The story goes she then dropped her jeans and had a pee on the sand before the boys took off their shirts, picked the girls up and raced into the water. (Note to self – never swim in ocean at Santa Barbara.)

THE WEEK’S WACKIEST HEADLINES:
• “Civilization Was Wiped Out in a Nuclear War!”
• “Bin Laden Gets Own Reality TV Show!”
• “Dump Your Bride-to-Be & Marry the Sexy Stripper!”
• “Space Alien Statue Found at Roswell!”
• “Shocking Video Shows Saddam Cleaning Toilets in Baghdad!”
• “Peeping Tom Sentenced to Stare at Ugly Naked People!”
Source: “Weekly World News”

WHISTLE WHILE YOU SLICE:
A study in the “Journal of the American Medical Association” says surgeons do a better job while listening to background music, because it relaxes them and lowers blood pressure. (Yeah, but would you want a surgeon re-attaching your optic nerve while listening to “Shake Ya Tailfeather”?)

GUT CHECK:
Surgeons at a Russian hospital have opened an exhibition of unusual items recovered from patients’ stomachs. The collection of about 3,000 objects includes both real and false teeth, needles, fish hooks, nails, glass and pieces of metal. The doctors say most of them were eaten accidentally, so they decided to put them on exhibit as a warning for people to be more careful. (I have a ball of molten lead in my stomach … or maybe it’s just that burrito I had for breakfast?)

DRIVING BLIND:
A German magician is set to test his memory by driving along a 12-mile stretch of a winding
mountain road – blindfolded. Thorsten Strotmann plans to drive the route between Ellmau and Kitzbuehel in Austria while wearing a steel mask and a black sack over his head. He’s been practising the stunt on the route for the past 6 months. Obviously, the local police will seal off the road during the attempt. (I swear I’ve followed this guy!)

PARTS DEPT:
According to a model survey in “Glamour” magazine, most models think their lips are their best body part. And most pick their feet as worst. (Poll the morning crew – “What’s your best and worst part?”)

WOULD THIS WORK?
Salt Lake City’s One World Cafe doesn’t have a menu or even prices. Patrons eat whatever sparks the culinary imagination of owner/chef Denise Cerreta. And when it comes to the check, they pay whatever they think their meal is worth. (Hmm, pay what you think it’s worth … where else would this be a good system – lawyer’s office? psychiatrist? mechanic? brothel?)

FISHY FIGURES:
New research in the journal “Circulation” shows that frequent fish seems to increase heart health. Close to 10,000 men were tracked for 2 years. Those who ate fish more than twice a week had an average heartbeat of 65.5 beats per minute, compared to 67.5 beats per minute for those who ate fish less than once a week. While it may not seem like a big difference, that adds up to over a million fewer heartbeats per year! Considering the average human heart only has about 3 billion beats in it, that could be significant. (Your mileage may vary.)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Canadian military police have seized close to 1,000 marijuana plants that were brazenly growing – on an Armed Forces artillery range at Nicolet, Québec.
• Workers attempting to cap two artesian wells have discovered a glacial river running some 120 feet beneath Toronto. It’s thought the ancient Laurentian River system originates near Georgian Bay, then runs about 93 miles into Lake Ontario.
• Be patient parents of teens! According to experts, most puberty-driven ‘snit fits’ last an average of just 15 minutes. (Your average teenager’s attention span.)
• Seattle is the only US city with 3 professional sports teams that haven’t won a championship for over 20 years.
• More than 111 million Americans carry mobile phones, each of which creates a rough electronic account of the user’s location in time and space.

AND WE QUOTE:
“Parents don’t think 20 years ahead when they name their kid: ‘This is my son Shalamar.’ It becomes a curse for the child. It’s terrible.” – Expectant pop Charlie Sheen on why he & wife Denise Richards have decided to buck the Hollywood trend of odd names to give their kid an old-fashioned moniker – ‘Jack’ or ‘Bob’ for a boy, ‘Sue’ or ‘Mary’ for a girl.

THE BULL SHEET 09.22.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [60] David Stern, New York NY, NBA commissioner since 1984

1958 [45] Andrea Bocelli, Lajatico ITA, opera singer (his “Romanza” album sold 10 million-plus)

1960 [43] Joan Jett (Larkin), Philadelphia PA, classic rock singer (“I Love Rock & Roll”, “I Hate Myself For Loving You”)

1964 [39] Bonnie Hunt, Chicago IL, TV actress (“Life with Bonnie”)/movie actress (“The Green Mile”, “Jerry Maguire”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the “Last Day of Summer” in the Northern Hemisphere (sniff!). TOMORROW the equinox occurs at 6:47am EDT, marking the beginning of “Autumn” in the Northern Hemisphere and the start of “Spring” in the Southern Hemisphere.

TODAY is “Hobbit Day”, commemorating author JRR Tolkein and the birthdays of his “Lord of the Rings” characters ‘Frodo’ and ‘Bilbo Baggins’. Tolkein’s “The Hobbit” was first published 66 years ago TODAY (1937). The next movie in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, “The Return of the King”, opens DECEMBER 17th.

TODAY is “National Centenarians Day”, honoring those who’ve lived 100 years or more. Just think – anyone who is 103 or more has now lived in 3 different centuries.  According to StatsCan, there has been a 21% increase in the number of centenarians in Canada over the past decade. The majority – about three-quarters – are women.
The number of centenarians in America has doubled over the past decade to about 45,000. That makes centenarians the most rapidly growing age group within the fastest-growing segment of the US population – those 85 and over.

TODAY is “Proposal Day”, a day on which single people are encouraged to propose marriage. (Apparently someone’s attempt to share the pain.)

TODAY is “Dear Diary Day”, a day to ‘put it on paper because it’ll make you feel better’. (Same goes for your new puppy.)

TODAY is “Elephant Appreciation Day”, to  celebrate the world’s largest, most interesting and most noble endangered land animal. A recent study suggests that elephants can communicate over distances of several kilometers by using low-pitched sounds humans can’t hear.

TODAY is “Good Neighbor Day”. Remember, good fences make good neighbors. (So a little razor wire, a motion detector and a landmine or two can’t hurt either.)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1999 [04] Shania Twain wins “Entertainer of the Year” at CMA Awards

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1954 [49] 1st ‘pina colada’ is concocted (rum, coconut cream and unsweetened pineapple juice)

1976 [27] 1st episode of “Charlie’s Angels” on ABC-TV begins frenzy for ‘Farrah’ hairstyle

1994 [09] 1st episode of “Friends” on NBC-TV begins frenzy for ‘Rachel’ hairstyle

1999 [04] Emmy Award-winning drama “The West Wing” premieres on NBC-TV

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1990 [13] World’s fastest talker utters 595 words in 56.01 seconds or 637.4 wpm

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Buy Nothing Day
[Thurs] Shania Twain world tour begins (Hamilton ON)
[Thurs-Sun] Western Canadian Music Awards (Regina SK)
[Thurs] One Hit Wonder Day
[Thurs] National Comic Book Day
[Fri] Food Service Employees Day
[Fri] Native American Day
[Fri] Rosh Hashanah begins at sundown

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Tolkein Week (18th-24th) / American Newspaper Week / Banned Books Week / National Dog Week / Food Service Workers Week / Roller Skating Week / Religious Freedom Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:

• Whyzit toasters always have a setting so high that it can burn toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Whyzit there’s a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
• Whyzit people point at their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point at anything when they ask where the washroom is?
• Whyzit your ob-gyn leaves the room while you get undressed? To protect your modesty?
• Whyzit ‘Goofy’ stands erect while ‘Pluto’ remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
• Whyzit the amount of sleep needed by the average person is always 10 minutes more?

TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• Champagne was invented by a blind Benedictine monk. (TRUE. Back in the 1600s. His name? Dom Perignon)
• Concentrated frozen orange juice was first introduced in 1947. (TRUE)
• If you take care of it, you can sleep on the same pillow for your entire life. (BS. According to James Maas, author of “Power Sleep”, the ‘comfort life’ of feather pillows is 8-10 years, and polyester just 6 months to 2 years.)
• The softest grade of pencil is ‘HB’. (BS. There are 17 grades of pencil hardness, from the softest – 6B, all the way up to 9H, which is used by tombstone designers.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I grew up in a family of 10. That’s how I learned to dance … waiting for the bathroom.
• The last time I was in Mexico I got through six Margaret Atwood novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
• I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.

BS PHONE STARTER:
“Which TV household most closely resembles your own?”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 38% of us say we’d rather have a tooth pulled than do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Take the car in for repairs.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Money is the root of all wealth.

WE SALUTE YOU, NEW SHEETERS!
Welcome to the newest “BS” subscribers, Edward Pitts @ WWRQ Valdosta GA and Rod Liechti @ KKBI Broken Bow OK, and to samplers this week that include Sandy @ KARP Hutchinson MN, Alison Land @ WCPA Clearfield PA, Jessica Hallihan @ CJFY Miramichi NB, Daniel Thompson @ CHANNEL 4 Dubai UAE, and Mike  Robichaud @ CKTP Fredericton NB.


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