Wednesday, September 10, 2003         Edition: #2619
Bullseye!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Magician David Blaine has barely begun his scheduled 44-day stunt, suspended over the Thames River in London in a Plexiglas coffin, and already for he’s being pelted with eggs, golf balls, fish & chips – and flashed by girls . . . Word has it Gywneth Paltrow is secretly taking singing lessons and gearing up to provide backup vocals for boyfriend Chris Martin (say g’bye to Coldplay – this is called ‘pulling a Yoko’) . . . Wham-O Corporation, maker of the Slip ‘N Slide, has filed a lawsuit against the #1 movie “Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star” for not using its kids’ waterslide product according to safety guidelines (uh guys, it’s a comedy – or at least it’s supposed to be) . . . After 2 years, the parents of late R&B singer Aaliyah have reached a ‘confidential settlement’ with Blackhawk International Airways, operator of her doomed airplane (and once again they profit from her death) . . . “Autograph Collector” magazine’s 12th annual poll on celebrity autograph givers has named Irish actor Colin Farrell the ‘Best Signer’ and Cameron Diaz the worst . . . Winona Ryder won’t get a chance to steal the show in the new Woody Allen movie, she’s been dropped for the same reason as Robert Downey Jr – she’s become uninsurable . . . And how could a single day pass without some ‘Benifer’ buzz? Sources say J-Lo has added a ‘no cheating clause’ to her pre-nup agreement with Ben Affleck, which would award her HALF his loot if he ever has an extra-marital affair (like another lapdance).

ALL-TIME SCARIEST MOVIES:
1. “The Exorcist” (1973)
2. “The Shining” (1980)
3. “The Silence of the Lambs” (1991)
And the ‘Worst All-time Horror Film’? “Scary Movie” (2000).
Source: Newly-released Choices Video poll.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms creeping into our lingo …
• ‘Soft Skills’ – Non-technical skills, such as the ability to communicate, problem-solve, empathize, think outside the box, etc. (“She’s got the technical know-how for the job but may be lacking soft skills.”)
• ‘Drive-by Download’ – A software program that automatically downloads to your computer, often without your consent or knowledge and for nefarious purposes.
• ‘Bulletize’ – To highlight key information using bullet points, as on the left side of this sentence.
• ‘Super-Centenarians’ – People 110 years of age or older. There are 40 left in the world that are verified, after one just died in LA.

I BEQUEATH TO YOU A SMILE:
A 40-country study in “Psychological Science” suggests that there’s a genetic link to happiness. Your overall contentment is more likely determined by inherited traits than your situation in life. (For instance, if you inherited a billion bucks …)

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP:
• An 8-months-pregnant UK woman has been paid $400 for walking around London with an ad for a toy called ‘MicroBabies’ painted on her stomach. (Notice that’s spelled with a big ‘B’ … in fact a REALLY big ‘B’.)
• Experts at Sokoine University of Agriculture in Tanzania have managed to train 300 African pouched rats to sniff out landmines. The giant rats are able to learn repeated tasks and have a better sense of smell than even dogs. (And they’re stupid enough to keep doing the job even though they’re surrounded by ‘buddy bits’.)
• A policeman in Verl, Germany has been injured after he was kicked and punched by a dwarf kangaroo. (Inthpector Thylvethter is expected to recover in time for his next cartoon.)
• A woman in Japan is claiming to be able to tell a man’s fortune by making love to him. (“Within 10 minutes, you’re gonna be out 50 bucks.”)

NO GHOSTS HERE:
Richard Lord, an acoustic scientist at the National Physical Laboratory in England, claims that mysteriously snuffed-out candles, weird sensations and shivers down the spine are not due to the presence of ghosts in haunted houses but to very low frequency sound that is inaudible to humans. In experiments, the extreme bass sound known as ‘infrasound’ produced a range of bizarre effects in people, including anxiety, extreme sadness and chills. (Try an on-air experiment. You don’t even need SFX – it’s inaudible!)

SINGAPORE HOPS ON THE HANDCART:
Singapore has been a pretty straight-laced place ever since it became an independent city-state in 1965, but a recent loosening of social controls will expose locals to many aspects of Western popular culture for the first time. For instance, there are now plans to air “Sex & the City” on local TV, and Singapore’s women can also look forward to buying “Cosmopolitan” for the first time at newsstands, but the Information Ministry has stipulated it has to be shrink-wrapped to prevent browsing. (Now Singapore women will also be wondering “Are Big Feet a Reliable Indicator?”)

WHAT ABOUT ‘BOB’?
Agriculture  Canada is holding a ‘Name-the-Apple’ contest for a new yellow hybrid fruit developed in the Okanagan Valley that’s said to be sweet, juicy, and long-lasting. It took 20 years to develop by using the best qualities of the Gala and Splendour varieties. The contest closes SEPTEMBER 21st and the winner gets a trip to Kelowna BC for the unveiling of the name. (And a look at the remains of the charred orchard.)
NET: http://www.agr.gc.ca/malus

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• How do YOU do it? 33% of us sleep on our right sides, 26% on the left, 18% on our backs, and 13% on our stomachs. (The rest are civil servants who sleep sitting at a desk.)
Source: “Men’s Health”
• Most British women would rather iron their husband’s shirt collar in the morning than have sex. (Even though ironing a shirt collar takes longer.)
Source: “Daily Mirror”
• 25% of Canadians consider themselves workaholics. (None of them are senators.)
Source: “Globe & Mail”
• 41% of women say their idea of the perfect romantic getaway is an isolated mountain cabin. (Away from their husbands.)
Source: “Swoon”

BS AMAZING FACT:
81% of all vegetarians are women. (The other 19% are birds.)

THE BULL SHEET 09.10.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [53] Joe Perry, Lawrence MA, rock guitarist (Aerosmith-“I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”, “Dream On”)

1958 [45] Chris Columbus, Spangler PA, movie director (“Harry Potter” series, “Home Alone” series)

1960 [43] Colin Firth, Grayshott ENG, movie actor (“Bridget Jones’ Diary”, “Shakespeare in Love”)  COMING UP: The sequel “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason”, coming in 2004.

1966 [37] Joe Nieuwendyk, Oshawa ON, NHL center (2003 Stanley Cup-New Jersey Devils)

1968 [35] Guy Ritchie, Hatfield ENG, movie director (“Snatch”, “Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels”)/2003 ‘Worst Director’ & ‘Worst Picture’ Razzie Awards (“Swept Away”)/Mr Madonna since 2000/father of 3-year-old Rocco

1974 [29] Ryan Phillippe (FIL-uh-pee), New Castle DE, movie actor (“Gosford Park”, “Cruel Intentions”, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”)/Mr Reese Witherspoon since 1999

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is officially “Swap Ideas Day”, set aside to encourage creative thinking and new solutions to old problems. (So your co-workers can take all the credit.)

THURSDAY-Monday is the 30th annual “Bald Is Beautiful Convention” in Morehead City SC (where they have “More-head & less hair!”), celebrating the follically-challenged. Their motto is, “If you don’t have it, flaunt it!”
PHONER: 252.726.1855 or 252.726.1823 or 252.726.1004 (John T Capps III)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [106] 1st convicted ‘drunk driver’ drives taxi-cab into a building (George Smith-London ENG)

1953 [50] 1st ‘TV dinner’, created by Swanson (what’s that grey stuff … chicken?)

1964 [39] Rod Stewart’s 1st (less-than-successful) recording, ”Good Morning Little Schoolgirl” (his taste in women hasn’t changed)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1858 [145] John Holden hits baseball’s 1st recorded ‘home run’ (for Brooklyn vs NY)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 9/11 Remembrance Day
[Fri] Video Game Day
[Sat] Positive Thinking Day
[Sun] “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” 10th Anniversary Show
[Sun] Pet Memorial Day
[Sun] Terry Fox Run
This Week Is . . . Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week
This Month Is . . . National Impotence Month (are you up for it?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
DID YOU EVER WONDER?

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze those pink dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
• And for that matter, who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes out it’s butt.”
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Can blind people see their dreams?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the worst thing you’ve done to get revenge using the Internet?”
• “Boomers may be getting older but research shows they don’t like the term ‘seniors’. So what should we call them?”

MUSIC FACT OR BS?
Two of the following are facts, one is total hooey. But which?
1. Paul McCartney once sang under the alias ‘Jim Beam’. (BS. But he did once record using the name ‘Apollo C Vermouth’.)
2. Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards once reprimanded Counting Crow lead singer Adam Duritz for sipping chicken soup to cure a cold and gave him a bottle of Guinness instead.
3. Early in her career, Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie appeared in music videos by the Rolling Stones, Meat Loaf and Lenny Kravitz.

BS INTERVIEW:
63-year-old Terrill Williams of Los Angeles is one of over 25 Americans who have legally changed their name to ‘God’. He’s listed in the phone book and even has a Social Security card that says he’s, well, um … God.
PHONER: 323.469.5079

ARE YOU A HOOKER – OR A CONSULTANT?
• You work very odd hours.
• You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
• You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
• You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
• You are not proud of what you do.
• Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
• Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• My spouse has to wake me up every morning and I hate it. Those jumper-cable clamps really hurt your ears.
• Researchers say that all-night drinking binges are bad for the brain. In other news, researchers say that all-night drinking binges are bad for the brain.

BS STUMPER:
Q: There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest is over. What is it?
A: Boxing.

LONGEST COMMUTE:
Take calls to find the listener with the longest daily commute to work and award them limo service for a day/week/month. Make sure they have a cell phone to check in with regular traffic updates.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 28% of women do THIS with their mouth open, 16% do it with their mouth closed, but 40% say they aren’t sure if their mouth is open or closed. What are they doing?
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Putting on mascara.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Well done is better then well said.


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