Friday, September 5, 2003        Edition: #2616
King Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY 30-year-old former NYC street magician David Blaine will begin 44 days in a 7x7x3-ft glass box suspended above London’s Thames River with only one tube for drinking water & another for urinating, in what he calls “The most extreme exercise in isolation and physical deprivation ever attempted” . . . Word is J-Lo & Ben Affleck’s wedding guests have been invited to a rehearsal dinner TOMORROW in preparation for NEXT WEEKEND’S supposed event, and ‘Bennifer’ have booked the $6,400-a-night Presidential Suite at the ultra-luxurious Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara CA for their wedding night . . . The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has sent its members an 8-page ‘Code of Behavior’ for the Oscars and other awards shows (“Rule #1: Never thank more than 100 people for any given award …”) . . . Hotel chain heir & party animal Paris Hilton’s been linked to Sugar Ray frontman Mark McGrath & Sum 41′s Deryck Whibley, but buzz has it she’s been seen lately all over Miami’s South Beach kissing, holding hands & dancing provocatively with – party promoter Ingrid Casares, Madonna’s one-time galpal . . . It seems 48-year-old Bruce Willis & 25-year-old “Dog Eat Dog” host Brooke Burns may be serious – they’ve been spotted frolicking in the waves on a beach in Costa Rica . . . And TV psychic John Edward claims he’s spoken to late R&B singer & actress Aaliyah during a private session with her mother (during which the spirit of Aaliyah asked, “How come I’m a bigger celebrity now that I’m dead?”).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “The Order” (Thriller): Heath Ledger plays a NYC priest who helps a detective (played by Shannyn Sossamon) investigate the cryptic murder of a French ambassador, whose body is found covered with mysterious religious symbols.
• “Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star” (Comedy): David Spade plays a 35-year-old former TV star who hires a foster family to re-create the childhood he never had. Features lots of cameos by C-list former child actors such as Corey Feldman, Danny Bonaduce & Emmanuel Lewis. Produced by Adam Sandler.
• “Party Monster” (Limited-Release Drama): Based on the book “Disco Bloodbath”, this is the true story of NYC ‘party promoter’ Michael Alig (played by Macaulay Culkin), who was convicted of murdering his drug dealer by injecting him with Drano and tossing him into the East River.

MISSION FROM MARS:
TODAY an online auction begins on eBay for a chunk of the Mars meteorite ‘Zagami’, which fell to Earth October 3rd, 1962 in Nigeria. Bids for the fragment, which weighs 6.6 ounces and is about the size of a beer can, will begin at $450,000. (When you take a real hard look at some of your family members, do you ever get the feeling Mars may be a lot closer than we think?)

DOUBLE CHEESE & A 6-PACK:
A SEPTEMBER 1st change in Japanese laws governing alcohol sales now allows for home delivery of wine and beer along with pizza. Florists in Japan are also getting in on the act, planning to offer delivery of flowers … with a bottle of wine. (Sounds so civilized. We need this here!)

GRIDLOCK SOLUTION:
A new sports car called the ‘Aquada’ designed by Britains’s Gibbs Technologies can reach speeds of 160 km/hr (100 mph) on land. And when it hits the water, its wheels retract and jets kick in, and it can top out at 50 km/hr (30 mph) as a watercraft. The convertible has no doors in order to avoid leaks. Passengers have to jump over the side to get in, just like a boat. Sticker price – about $250,000. (Didn’t we see this in a ‘James Bond’ movie … a really old ‘James Bond’ movie?)

SPAM REACTION:
According to a survey of nearly 28,000 e-mail users, 75% say it’s less aggravating to clean a toilet than to wade through the daily spam in their inbox. A third say spammers should face stiff fines. 1 in 6 say spammers’ business licenses should be revoked. 1 in 12 think jail time is appropriate. (Spam, junkmail, telemarketing … why do advertisers try to sell us stuff in the most annoying ways?)

BIZARRE BS:
• A 6-month-old stray dog has been given a new leash on life in Bangkok, Thailand thanks to a veterinarian who has outfitted the near-blind pup with – eyeglasses.
• Shopping for food at the Vol Market in Knoxville TN can be a daunting experience because each and every cashier now wears – a holstered handgun.
• Prisoners are being urged to sniff their meals before eating them at the Cumberland County Jail in Maine after somebody spiked the chili with – human feces.
• Bouncers booted a patron out of a disco in Oberhausen, Germany after she walked up to the bar and ordered a schnapps & Coke (gag!). They were worried about her because she was – 80-years-old.
• The government of India’s West Bengal state has begun distributing copies of the “Kama Sutra” sex guide to teach hookers creative ways to give pleasure to clients without AIDS-risky penetrative sex.
• Customs officers at Holland’s Schipol Airport opened a foul-smelling suitcase to discover a
nauseating surprise – plastic bags containing 2,000 rotting baboon noses. They’d been shipped from Nigeria apparently either for human consumption or to make medicine.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I’ve never kissed a woman before. I would not do it again.” – Britney Spears on locking lips with Madonna at the “MTV Video Music Awards”.

THE BULL SHEET 09.05.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1921 [82] Jack Valenti, Houston TX, longtime chairman & CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America (since 1966)

1940 [63] Raquel Welch (Tejada), Chicago IL, aging former movie ‘sex symbol’ (“Legally Blonde”, “100 Rifles”)  FACTOID: She’s currently recuperating from surgery following a car accident LAST WEEKEND in which she suffered a broken arm.

1950 [53] Cathy Guisewite, Dayton OH, comic strip cartoonist (“Cathy”)

1973 [30] Rose McGowan, Florence ITA, TV actress (Paige Halliwell-“Charmed” since 2001)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [45] Jeff Foxworthy, Atlanta GA, standup comedian (“Blue Collar Comedy Tour”, “You Might Be a Redneck”)

1963 [40] Mark Chesnutt, Beaumont TX, country singer (“She Was”, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”)

1971 [32] Dolores O’Riordan, Ballybricken IRE, pop/rock singer (Cranberries-”Linger”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY “Country Music Week” begins in Calgary culminating in the annual “CCMA Awards” MONDAY night. (Since when is a week 4 days?)
PHONER: 416.971.5151 or 416.971.5252 (Sue McCallum, Cori Ferguson Publicity)
NET: http://www.ccma.org/ccmatoday/cmw/index.htm

TODAY is “Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by the Procrastinators’ Club. TOMORROW is “National Do-It! Day”, aka “Fight Procrastination Day”.

TOMORROW is “Read a Book Day”, one of the highlights of “International Literacy Week”. Another is “International Literacy Day” to be observed MONDAY. (Do illiterate people still get the full effect of Alphabits?)
NET: http://www.reading.org

SUNDAY is the 25th annual “National Grandparents’ Day”, honoring all family patriarchs and matriarchs … and it wasn’t even Hallmark’s idea! Download the special “Grandparents’ Day Song” here –
NET: http://www.grandparents-day.com

SUNDAY is “Neither Rain Nor Snow Day”, commemorating the motto of the US Postal Service – “Neither rain nor snow nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds”. (Or is that ‘shooting off their rounds’?)

Each year since 1971 White Thorn Lodge in Darlington PA has hosted the “Volleyball Super Bowl” on the weekend after Labor Day. What makes it interesting is – it’s NAKED volleyball! (“Look ma, no hands!”)
PHONER: 724.846.5984
NET: http://www.whitethornlodge.com/superbowl.htm

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1956 [47] Johnny Cash releases his 1st single, “I Walk the Line”

1998 [05] Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the movie “Armageddon” debuts at #1 on music charts, the band’s first-ever single to reach the top spot

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1885 [118] 1st ‘gasoline pump’, in Ft Wayne IN (before that you bought it in a paper bag)

1914 [89] Babe Ruth hits 1st pro HR, playing for minor league Providence team in Toronto

1999 [04] La-Z-Boy 1st markets its ‘Oasis’ recliner designed for football fans, equipped with phone, heat, massager, and a cooler large enough to chill a 6-pack

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1989 [14] World’s ‘longest zipper’ (9,353 ft-long with 2,565,900 teeth) is produced by the Yoshida Co of Sneek, Netherlands (and installed on a pair of pants for Shaquille O’Neal)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Iguana Awareness Day
[Sat] Federal Lands Cleanup Day
[Sun] Working Mothers Day
[Mon] Boss/Employee Exchange Day
[Tues] Expectant Father’s Day
This Week is – Tools of the Trade Week / Childhood Injury Prevention Week (‘Careful or You’ll Poke Out an Eye Week’)
This Month is – Menopause Awareness Month / National Bed Check Month (checked mine this morning … still married)

BULL’S BITS . . .
WORST FILM TITLES OF ALL-TIME:

• “Step Into Liquid” (2003)
• “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” (1992)
• “Bend It Like Beckham” (2003)
• “Half-Past Dead” (2002)
• “Gigli” (2003)
• “Honey I Blew Up The Kid” (1992)
• “Leonard Part 6″ (1987)
• “Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter” (1966)
• “Attack of the Clones” (2002)
• “The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living & Became Mixed-Up Zombies” (1963)
Source: RetroCrush

BS WHYZITS:
• When a waiter tells you it’s a “very hot plate”, whyzit we have to touch it to be sure?”
• Whyzit American Express keep sending applications for platinum cards when you only earn a fraction of what’s needed to apply for one?
• Whyzit bankers only give you a loan if you can prove you don’t need it?
• Whyzit the local aquarium (Sea World, Marineland, etc) has seafood on its menu? Is that what they do with slow learners?
• Whyzit whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first?

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can’t believe I said pizza.
• We were so poor when I was a kid, we had to use my sister for a trampoline.
• A new study says there’s no link whatsoever between birth control pills and breast cancer. The study was conducted by ‘Men Against Condoms’.

TOP SWAPS:
The week’s most-requested music files online …
1. 50 Cent – “PIMP”
2. Chingy – “Right Thurr”
3. Lil’ Kim – “Magic Stick”
4. The Ataris – “Boys Of Summer”
5. Black Eyed Peas – “Where Is The Love?”
Source: “Big Champagne”

BS PHONE STARTER:
“How much would record companies have to cut CD prices in order to get you to quit downloading music?” (The world’s largest record company, Universal, has announced it’s reducing CD prices by up to 30% in an effort to revive sales.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 92% of women say they do THIS for less than one-third of the day (men probably even less).
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Work hard.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.


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