Monday, September 23, 2002        Edition: #2383
Thunk! Autumn Falls!

• Here are this week’s wacky “Weekly World News” headlines – “John Gotti’s Ghost Running the Mafia!”, “Bar Codes For Your Forehead!”, “The Sun Will Explode in Less Than 6 Years!”, and – cool! – “Family’s TV Picks Up Space Alien Porn!”
• TONIGHT on FOX-TV’s “American Idol Reunion Special”, the 30 semifinalists from the contest perform in a concert taped in Las Vegas. “E! Online” reports that winner Kelly Clarkson will sing a duet with HER idol, Reba McEntire, on Reba’s 1993 Grammy-winning hit “Does He Love You?”, and Kelly’s “A Moment Like This” video will premiere. (And Simon Fuller’s bank account just keeps on getting fatter and fatter.)
• According to “Star”, Jennifer Lopez may be delighted to be 2 months pregnant with Ben Affleck’s baby but her record company sure isn’t. Despite the official veil of silence from Sony, if its true, J-Lo’s baby would be due at the same time she’s scheduled to be releasing a new record, meaning she wouldn’t be able to promote it.
• Actor Ralph Fiennes has no problem with nudity because he’s very well endowed, claims “Mirror”. In his new film, “Red Dragon”, length was apparently a technical problem and the tabloid quotes director Brett Ratner as saying, “We had to digitally remove 3 or 4 inches because it was so long.” (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)
• “Mail” reports that 72-year-old former ‘James Bond’ actor Sean Connery has enquired about having laser surgery for shortsightedness at a UK eye hospital. He’s thinking about it, a hospital source confirms, but he’s a bit scared. (Always knew he was a wimp – the kilt’s a dead giveaway.)
• “Buzz” reports Martha Stewart has gotten herself into more hot water. She’s had to yank the theme song from her TV show after accusations that she stole the music from 3-time Emmy-winning composer Edward Dzubak. (And that’s a BAD thing.)
• 2 years ago, actress Melanie Griffith made headlines when she vowed she would smoke pot with her son Alexander if he wanted to try it. “NY Post” reports that she did – and now she’s regretting her decision. Seems 17-year-old Alexander is now in the 12-step Narcotics Anonymous program. (Another example of brilliant celebrity parenting – “I don’t want you doing any heroin unless mommy’s there to help, honey.”)
• Speculation about “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling’s much reported writer’s block has now been explained – “Everywhere” reports she’s expecting a baby. Seems she wasn’t struggling trying to finish up another best seller, just pregnant! (Seems the new novel “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” wasn’t the only thing that was ‘late’.)
• And “PeopleNews” gives us this hot new quote from Eminem’s mother, Debbie Mathers – “People should know that, when they look at Eminem and think what a cool, tough guy he is, they should remember that he actually lived at home with his mom ’til he was 26.” (Ouch! Just ‘Cleaning Out the Closet’, Deb?)

A University of Manitoba study shows that 60% of Canadian women who try to lose weight by dieting do it in order to improve their appearance. On the other hand, only 40% of men diet to look better.

A new study from a Scottish scientist suggests that the males of many species have shorter life spans than females because they’re bigger, juicier targets for parasites. (Especially guys with bigger, juicier bank accounts.)

A new poll for MasterCard finds that Frank Sinatra is the singer most likely to get people in the in mood for love. Ol’ Blue Eyes beat Whitney Houston, legendary love god Barry White, and soul legend Luther Vandross. As you can tell, the poll surveyed people aged 16 and over. (Or is that 60?)

A British researcher has come up with an alarm clock that decides when you need to wake up. David Hunt’s “Rise” device monitors traffic news on the Web to decide the optimum time to sound its alarm. All the user has to do is enter the next morning’s travel route before going to bed. (By the looks of things on [local busy highway] this morning, your alarm should have gone off on Saturday.)

“Hospitality” magazine says the color red increases hormonal and sexual activity, activates adrenaline, stimulates appetite, induces creativity and causes people to lose track of time.

Pharmaceutical companies hope the development of the ‘talking pill bottle’ will help prevent misuse and overdosing of prescription drugs by automatically giving instructions on how and when to take the medicine. (Pfizer is developing a really special bottle for Viagra – it talks dirty to you.)

An engineer has just unveiled a book whose pages glow in the dark. He has combined a light-emitting dye with thin plastic sheeting to produce a page that creates its own light. The invention means that books could be developed that actually glow in the dark, and make the letters glow.

Autumn is the best time to make a career move. Why? It’s when most companies do much of their planning for the future. Consulting firm Goodrich & Sherwood advises that, in the modern economy, you should quit waiting around for your present employer to reward your good work and make a smart career move instead. (There you go – a great excuse to skip work on a Monday!)

Psychiatrist Jay Rohrlich says he’s become an expert on success by observing people who are not only lucky in business, but also lucky in love. Here’s his top tips on how to succeed – 
1. Know when to quit – Don’t hesitate to abandon unrealistic goals, dead-end jobs or no-win relationships.
2. Admit your mistakes – Be quick to take responsibility for mistakes and correct them.
3. Believe you DESERVE success – When something good happens at work or in a relationship, tell yourself, “I earned this. I deserve it!”
4. Refuse to let fate run your life – To be a winner, you have to make your own luck.
5. Balance emotional investments in work and love – Don’t give your all to one or the other. Decide how to make a good living without short-changing your personal life.


1930 [72] Ray Charles (Robinson), Albany GA, legendary pop/blues singer (“I Can’t Stop Loving You”, “Georgia on My Mind”, “Hit the Road Jack”)

1943 [59] Julio Iglesias, Madrid SPA, syrupy ballad singer (“To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”)/father of Enrique Iglesias

1949 [53] Bruce Springsteen, Freehold NJ, rock singer (“The Rising”, Grammy Awards-“Dancing in the Dark”, “Tunnel of Love”, Academy Award Song-“Streets of Philadelphia”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1999)

1971 [31] Eric Montross, Indianapolis IN, 7-ft, 270-lb NBA center (Toronto Raptors)

1974 [28] Matt Hardy, Cameron NC, WWE wrestler who uses the ‘Twist of Fate’ to finish off opponents/brother & tag team partner of Jeff Hardy

1979 [23] Erik-Michael Estrada, NYC, pop singer (O-Town-“All or Nothing”, Liquid Dreams”)

[Astrology] Sign of Libra (the Balance) begins

THIS MORNING at 12:55am EDT “Autumn” arrived in the Northern Hemisphere. Studies show we eat an average of 11-14% more during Fall than any other season.

THIS WEEK is “National Imperfection Week,” celebrating the fact that we’re not all perfect. (Some a lot less so than others.)

THIS WEEK the annual “Pompuraaw Crocodile Races” are underway in Queensland, Australia. The crocs are put inside an enclosure and held by their tails, then let go when the starter orders. Fans place bets on which croc will make it to the end of the enclosure first. For safety, the noses are taped shut. (Is the play-by-play by “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin? “Look at this MONSTER go! Crikers what a croc!”)

5 YEARS AGO . . .
1997 The Rolling Stones’ “Bridges to Babylon” tour kicks off in Chicago

1845 [157] 1st baseball club organizes and adopts rules (NY Knickerbockers)

1879 [123] 1st electronic ‘hearing aid’ (‘Audiophone’)

1952 [50] 1st ‘pay-per-view’ TV event (Rocky Marciano vs Jersey Joe Walcott fight is televised in 49 theatres in 31 cities)

1992 [10] 1st female NHL player (goalie Manon Rheaume plays exhibition game for Tampa Bay Lightning)

[Tues] Buy Nothing Day
[Wed] One Hit Wonder Day
[Thurs] Food Service Employees Day
[Fri] World Tourism Day
[Sat] National Hunting & Fishing Day
[Sun] Prairie Music Awards (Winnipeg)

JRR Tolkien Week
Fall Hat Week
Banned Books Week
National Food Service Workers Week
Roller Skating Week
Religious Freedom Week (as long as it’s my brand!)


• Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
• When someone drives down a sidewalk during a chase they never actually hit anyone, only their fruit carts.
• Caves always have flat floors, and it’s never fully dark.
• The person behind the wheel is talking to and looking at their passenger for the entire journey without actually looking at the road.
• Characters that get shot never go into shock.
(Open the phones and ask listeners to contribute more.)

Q: A person living to age 75 will have spent about 23 years doing this.
A: Sleeping!

Q: What are inhabitants of the island of Lesbos known as?
A: Nope, they aren’t ‘Lesbians’ – they are ‘Lesbotians’.

Q: Where did Gatorade get its name?
A: It was named for the University of Florida ‘Gators’, the team for whom it was first developed.

A: To be ‘official’, this bird has to have exactly 14 feathers.
Q: A badminton birdie, also known as a shuttlecock.

“If you could only have one snack food for the rest of your life, which would you choose?” (In a “Teen” magazine poll, pizza came out #1.)

Two of the following statements are true, one is total BS. But which one?
1. Ancient Romans were the first to use finger rings as marriage symbols.
2. Ancient Romans discovered you could pop popcorn. (BS)
3. Ancient Romans invented the folding pocket knife.

Today’s Question: 65% of employees say they sure wouldn’t want to do this.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Their boss’s job.

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank – the really big chunks always rise to the top.

Jim Frigo @ KDXY Jonesboro AR, Tanya Hogan @ CJYR Edson AB, Adam White @ WQCB Brewer ME, Ron Hunter @ KQPR Albert Lea MN, and Chris Johnson @ WAOR Mishawaka IN.

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