Tuesday, September 17, 2002        Edition: #2379
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY’S the official release date for “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson’s single “A Moment Like This” (too late and too hyped to be hit?) . . . Here comes another reality show – Jay Mohr will host NBC-TV’s “Funniest Person in America”, which follows the hijinks of 10 comedians as they live together and compete for a primetime development deal with the network (it’s “American Idol” with jokes) . . . Mel Gibson has revealed his 21-year-old daughter Hannah has decided to become a nun . . . Newlyweds Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale will tie the knot all over again for friends in LA who couldn’t make the weekend ceremony in London (will she dress her dog in roses again, too?) . . . A new company called ‘Hals’ is offering special services for touring music acts, including relaxation techniques, therapeutic massage and special exercises for on tour buses (it’ll never work – groupies supply the same services for free!) . . . First George Reeves, then Christopher Reeve and now buzz is Keanu Reeves may play ‘Superman’ in a new movie called “Last Son Of Krypton”, co-staring Anthony Hopkins as the Man Of Steel’s dad . . . Aerosmith frontman Steve Tyler is growing a beard to play an Amish horse & buggy driver in a new movie called “Sinking Springs” . . . And an online casino has picked ‘Ralphie Cifaretto’ as the character ‘most likely to be whacked’ on “The Sopranos” this season, listed at 5-6 odds.

TODAY’S DVD & VCR RELEASES:
The Disney animated family fare “Monsters Inc” features the voices of John Goodman & Billy Crystal . . . Jodie Foster & Kristen Stewart play a mother and daughter hiding out from burglars in the crime thriller “Panic Room” . . . And there’s a compilation DVD of the entire 1st season of FOX-TV’s acclaimed series “24″, which includes an ‘alternate ending’ (preoccupied with the threat to his family, Keifer Sutherland fails to look both ways, gets hit by a bus, dies.)

FAILED PRODUCTS:
In retail product development, just 4% of new items succeed. Here’s a few that didn’t –
• Aerosol Mustard
• 7-Up Lip Balm
• Vaseline Aftershave
• Parsnip Chips
• Microwave Sundaes
• Garlic Cake In-A-Jar
• Gerber Food for Adults (pureed Sweet-and-Sour Pork or Chicken Madeira)
Source: New Products Showcase

MORE CHICK FLICKS COMING:
Chick flicks may soon take over from action thrillers as the biggest earners at the movie box office, according to “Sunday Times”. There are several reasons – top female stars like Julia Roberts are becoming huge box-office earners, more women than men go to movies (69% vs 60% last year), and polls show that 70% of the time it’s the woman who decides which movie to see on a date. (And guys will agree to anything if there’s a chance they’ll score.)

IN A WORD:
The latest edition of the “Shorter Oxford English Dictionary” has added 3,500 new words to reflect changes in speech. Among them – ‘badass’, ‘phat’, ‘ass-backwards’ and ‘bogart’.

PYRAMID SCAM:
TODAY scientists plan to explore what they think is a hidden room in the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt by sending in a radar-carrying robot to give visual images of what lies inside. (What do you think is in there – mummy cats? rusty scepters? Bin Laden?)

MEN’S HEALTH:
A new British study of the lifestyles of 700 men has found that those who suffered heart attacks were the ones who spent more time at work. Researchers have concluded that men working 60 or more hours a week have twice the risk of those who put in fewer than 40 hours. (Let’s see, with 5 four-hour gigs a week – I’m gonna live forever!)

WOMEN’S HEALTH:
Psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos, writing in the OCTOBER edition of “Cosmopolitan”, says far greater expectations and demands are now placed on women. As women are demanding more of life, they are being expected to give more as well and that’s causing increased stress and depression. The magazine’s survey of 1001 women aged 20-35 finds that 51% say they feel bored or hopeless when they think about the future, 41% have gone through a period of a week or more when they felt so down they were unable to get out of bed, and 20% say the last time they felt truly happy was 6 months ago or more. (Hey cheer up! Soon you’ll be over 35 and totally alone in the world after you’re dumped by your midlife crisis-suffering husband.)

MISSING THE TARGET:
A “Report on Business” poll finds that, at the end of the average day, 46% of Canadians feel they have NOT accomplished what they set out to do that morning. (Easy solution. Set your goals lower to something you can actually achieve – like getting out of bed.)

HOW BANK ROBBERS BUNGLE:
• 95% make no long-range plans for concealing the loot.
• 86% never study the bank before robbing it.
• 76% of bank robbers use no disguise.
Source: “How Not To Rob A Bank” by Tim Clark

FOR THE RECORD:
• Texan Steve Spaulding has beaten his ‘grape-catching’ mark listed in the “Guinness Book of World Records” by 2 as he caught a new record of 55 grapes in his mouth in 1 minute, tossed by 2 throwers in Grapevine TX.
• YESTERDAY the world’s oldest known person, Kamato Hongo of Kagoshima, Japan turned 115 years-old! (Wow, she even remembers Windows 3.1!)

BS AMAZING FACT:
To deter teenagers from hanging around a local subway station, Boston police have resorted to piping in George Gershwin music!

THE BULL SHEET 09.17.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [54] John Ritter, Burbank CA, TV actor (plays Paul Hennessy on the new ABC-TV sitcom “8 Simple Rules [For Dating My Teenage Daughter]”, Emmy Award-“Three’s Company” 1977-84)/movie actor (”Slingblade”)

1970 [32] Mark Brunell, LA CA, NFL QB (Jacksonville Jaguars)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Day of Peace”, when people all over the world are encouraged to join together to bring peace to our hearts and our planet. (If this works, it would be the first day of world peace in history.)

TODAY is “American Citizenship Day” (aka “Constitution Day” and “I Am An American Day”) focusing on the rights and responsibilities of American citizens both native-born and naturalized. The choice of September 17 for this observance commemorates the date in 1787 when the US Constitution was signed in Philadelphia and celebrates the oldest working constitution in the world.

THURSDAY through Monday it’s “TF XX”, the 20th annual “Testicle Festival” in Clinton, Montana where they’ll be serving up more than 2 tons of what locals call ‘Rocky Mountain Oysters’ thanks to local bulls with high-pitched moos. The festival’s slogan is ‘Have a Ball!’ Ask for delicious recipes.
PHONER: 406-825-4868 (Rod Lincoln, Rock Creek Lodge)
NET: http://www.testyfesty.com

3 YEARS AGO . . .
1999 Céline Dion receives star on ‘Canada’s Walk of Fame’ in Toronto

1999 Eminem’s mother files $10-million lawsuit against him, claiming he made defamatory remarks in several interviews (part of the reason he wrote “Cleanin’ Out My Closet”)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1920 [82] NFL 1st organized in Canton OH as 12 teams pay a fee of $100 each to obtain franchises (by contrast, the new Houston Texans franchise cost $700 MILLION!)

1974 [28] 4 women swear oaths of allegiance to RCMP to become 1st female ‘Mounties’

1975 [27] 1st-ever ‘playing president’ of a sports franchise (hockey legend Gordie Howe with the Houston Aeros of the World Hockey Association)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] “Survivor: Thailand” premieres
[Thurs] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Fri] International Student Day
[Sun] 54th Primetime Emmy Awards
[Mon] Autumn begins (12:55am EDT)
This Week is – Farm Animals Awareness Week (hey, what’s that pungent aroma?)
This Month is – Humor in Business Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT YOUR CAR COLOR SAYS ABOUT YOU:

• Green – You’re an optimistic, well-adjusted joiner who likes the good things in life. (Only someone really materialistic like you could want a money-colored vehicle.)
• Red – You are impulsive, athletic and quick to speak your mind, but suffer emotional ups and downs. (Most likely to give another driver the dastardly digit.)
• Blue – You’re relaxed and at peace with yourself. (No wonder you only drive 20 mph – get off the road, loser!)
• Brown – You’re conservative and like to plan everything out carefully. (Like never having to wash your car.)
• White – You’re honest, nurturing, supportive and need to feel needed. (Wow, you’re a mom!)

BS SIGNS A WOMAN IS LEADING YOU ON:
• She only comes to you when she needs something.
• Friends tell you point blank she’s just toying with you.
• She’s only attentive when you’re with another woman.
• You can tell her heart belongs elsewhere.
• She has a reputation as the queen of flirts.
• Her definition of ‘sleep’ means sleep.
Source: AskMen.com

BS BEAT THE TOASTER:
Before the toaster pops in 15 seconds (SFX), name 5 –
• Teams that play in the CFL.
• Bad things to eat for breakfast.
• Dumb names for a newborn baby.
• Annoying habits that people have.
• Odd places to make love.

BS INTERVIEW:
Mike Ellis collects what he calls ‘Slanguage’ from cities all over the world, the local slang words and dialect. He’s an expert at guessing people’s origins based on their speech patterns. If he can’t guess where they’re from, he can definitely tell where they’re NOT from. He’s done over 200 radio shows, so he’s pretty slick.
PHONER: 610-917-0587 (Phoenixville PA)

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What are the things you miss most about being single?
• How come people who are always late wear it like a badge of honor, always bragging about it by saying ‘I am always running late’? How can you be ‘running’ late? If you were running, then you should have made it on time, right? It’s like ‘ish’ time –  “I’ll be there 6-ish” – basically means you’ll be ‘late-ish’.
• What’s the best video to rent as a ‘date movie’? (A recent poll finds the following are among the faves – “Ghost”, “Sleepless in Seattle”, “Reality Bites”, “Cocktail”, “Pretty Woman”, “Four Weddings and a Funeral”, and “There’s Something About Mary”.)

BS BRAIN BUSTERS:
Q: Suppose you want to cook an egg for exactly 3 minutes. You have only a 5 minute hourglass timer and a 2 minute hourglass timer. Using these 2 timers, how can you boil the egg for exactly 3 minutes?
A: Tip both timers over at the same time. When the 2 minute timer runs out, drop the eggs in and cook them until the 5 minute timer runs out.

Q: What food is it that you throw away the outside of, cook the inside of, eat the outside of, and throw away the inside of?
A: An ear of corn.

Q: What occurs once in every minute, twice in every moment, yet never in a thousand years?
A: The letter ‘M‘.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 51% of high school students did this to their body over the summer.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Changed their hair color.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Some people get up bright and early. I get up early but not very bright.


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