Tuesday, September 10, 2002        Edition: #2374
Bullseye!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word from McMaster University Health Centre in Hamilton is 63-year-old Gordon Lightfoot will likely make a full recovery from the unspecified emergency surgery on his stomach on the weekend . . . When “The Sopranos” returns to TV for its 4th season SUNDAY, the opening sequence will be altered, with a brief shot of the World Trade Center towers snipped out (have you ever even noticed it?) . . . For the Rolling Stones’ “Licks” tour, Mick Jagger was offered a Teleprompter on stage in case he forgets lyrics but Mick refused, saying it would turn the gigs into glorified karaoke . . . As a publicity stunt WWE wrestling will stage a gay wedding THURSDAY on “Smackdown” as ‘Billy’ and ‘Chuck’ will tie the knot then go on to fight together as a tag-team (WWE admits the two are hetero in real life) . . . And tennis babe Anna Kournakova is launching her own line of cosmetics that will include perfume, unisex shower gel, and deodorant (a bit surprising considering she’s never on the court long enough to break a sweat).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
James Caviezel stars in the latest incarnation of the period adventure “The Count of Monte Cristo” as a falsely imprisoned man who escapes and uses a hidden treasure to exact revenge . . . Ben Affleck & Samuel L Jackson co-star in the road rage thriller “Changing Lanes”, the story of an escalating feud between a young lawyer and a businessman after they’re involved in a minor auto accident . . . Val Kilmer plays a man who hits the skids after his wife is murdered in the crime drama “The Salton Sea” . . . And Robert DeNiro hosts “9/11″, a real life documentary that follows the events of last September 11 from an insider’s point-of-view through the lenses of two French filmmakers who happened to be in Manhattan that day.

ANOTHER REASON NOT TO DUST:
There is NO evidence that housework improves health, according to a study at England’s University of Bristol. Researchers say a brisk walk is a much better health option than mopping floors, dusting or cleaning windows. (Especially MENTAL health.)

A BLANKIE FOR ‘PUFFY’:
Los Angeles inventor Dave Avalos has created a line of blankets for pets called “In Security Blankets” which come in properly-sized versions for horses, dogs and small pets. He says the key to maximizing the comfort potential of the blankets is to rub them all over your skin because your scent is comforting to your pet. (But NOT your co-host.)

REVEALING ROMANCE:
A poll in “Mens Health” magazine asked more than 2000 women “Which of the following spontaneous gestures do you find most romantic?” Here are the answers – a hidden note (41%), a bouquet of flowers (28%), a surprise date (10%), a greeting card (7%), jewelry (6%), a surprise phone call (6%), and chocolate (1%). (Warning – if you do these all at once it’s considered stalking.)

THIS IS “NATIONAL IMPOTENCE MONTH” – ARE YOU UP FOR IT?
Watching your baby being born could make you impotent! More and more husbands have been staying in the delivery room to ‘coach’ their wives during the birth of children. But a noted psychiatrist says that 25 to 30% of husbands who are with their wives during childbirth are so severely traumatized that they’re unable to perform sexually for weeks, sometimes months afterwards. 2 to 3% remain impotent for as long as 3 years.

HARD-HEADED HERNANDEZ:
A Santa Clarita CA construction worker accidentally shot himself in the head with a power nail gun – and didn’t even notice! The nail apparently ricocheted off a piece of metal, went through his eye socket and lodged in his brain, but Jorge Hernandez says he didn’t know he had a nail in his head until he saw it later in his car mirror. It took doctors 3 hours to remove the 3.5-inch spike and they say, amazingly, there’s no permanent damage. (Jorge’s taking a few days off saying, “I need this job like I need another hole in the head.”)

THE REASON THERE’LL ALWAYS BE COUNTRY SONGS:
According to a “Cosmopolitan” poll, there’s a lot of extramarital nookie going on. A whopping 59% of women admit they cheat, as do 55% of men. 30% of men and 23% of women have had sex with a friend of their girlfriend or boyfriend. And nearly 70% of both genders say they’ve lied about sexual romps in the past. (Howz come I’ve never met any of these people?)

JUMBO HOOTERS:
The owner of the Hooters restaurant chain is attempting to buy the assets of bankrupt Vanguard Airlines and rename it ‘Hooters Air’. A spokesman says there won’t be Hooters girls running up and down the aisles because it’s going to look like an airline not a Hooters restaurant. (Dammit!)

RONALD R.I.P.?
Word has it that McDonald’s is considering scrapping ‘Ronald McDonald’ as a symbol after recommendations from an ad consultant over a possible image make-over. Why would they dump a guy after 39 years on the job? Especially when he’s reported to be the world’s most recognized figure after Santa Claus? Seems there are concerns that at over 30 – he’s a clown from another era. He may be an icon but he’s dated and the kids have moved on. (This sound familiar? The same reasons radio GMs use to fire on-air people!)

KIDS SAY:
Some elementary school teachers keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples –
• The future of “I give” is “I take”.
• The parts of speech are lungs and air.
• The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
• A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
• Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
• The people who followed Jesus Christ were called the 12 opossums.
• The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and YOU sit on the bottom.
• The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
• Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

CELEBRITY OFFSPRING:
Why is it celebrities feel the need to burden their children with weird names? Witness the moronic monikers these offspring of celebs have been stuck with –
• ‘James Bond’ actor Pierce Brosnan – ‘Paris’ and ‘Dylan Thomas’
• “ER” actress Alex Kingston – ‘Salome Violetta’
• Rocker John Mellencamp – most recent  sons are named ‘Speck Wildhorse’ and ‘Hud’
• Actor/singer Billy Ray Cyrus – ‘Braison Chance’ (son) and ‘Destiny Hope’ (daughter)
• U2 singer Bono – 2 of his brood are ‘Memphis Eve’ and ‘Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q’
• Sharon Stone – adopted son ‘Roan’
• Bruce Willis & Demi Moore – daughters ‘Rumer’, ‘Scout’ and ‘Tallulah Belle’
• David Bowie – 31-year-old son ‘Zowie’ changed his named to ‘Joe’
• Actor Richard Gere – ‘Homer James Jigme’
• Will Smith & Jada Pinckett – ‘Jaden Christopher Syre’
• Former Spice Girl Victoria & English soccer star David Beckham – a newborn son ‘Romeo’

THE BULL SHEET 09.10.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [52] Joe Perry, Lawrence MA, rock guitarist (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing)

1958 [44] Chris Columbus, Spangler PA, movie director (“Harry Potter” series, “Home Alone” series)

1963 [39] Randy Johnson (‘The Big Unit’), Walnut Creek CA, MLB pitcher (co-MVP with Curt Schilling of 2001 World Series-Arizona Diamondbacks)

1966 [36] Joe Nieuwendyk, Oshawa ON, NHL center (New Jersey Devils)

1968 [34] Guy Ritchie, Hatfield ENG, movie director (“Snatch”, “Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels”)/Mr Madonna since 2000  NEXT MOVIE: The much-delayed romantic comedy “Swept Away” starring Madonna, now scheduled to open in OCTOBER  FACTOID: After a year, they’ve decided to put their 1,200-acre English country estate Ashcombe House back on the market due to ‘security concerns’

1974 [28] Ryan Phillippe (FIL-uh-pee), New Castle DE, movie actor (“Gosford Park”, “Cruel Intentions”, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”)/Mr Reese Witherspoon since 1999 (they’re both reportedly seeing shrinks trying to save the marriage)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is officially “Swap Ideas Day”, set aside to encourage creative thinking and new solutions to old problems. (Then your boss will take all the credit.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [105] 1st convicted ‘drunk driver’ drives taxi-cab into a building (George Smith-London ENG)

1953 [49] 1st ‘TV dinner’ (Swanson)

1964 [38] Rod Stewart’s 1st (less-than-successful) recording, ”Good Morning Little Schoolgirl” (his taste in women hasn’t changed)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1858 [144] John Holden hits baseball’s 1st recorded ‘home run’ (for Brooklyn vs NY)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] 9/11 Remembrance Day
[Thurs] Video Games Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Sat] Pregnant Women’s Day
[Sun] National Care Givers Day
This Week is – Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week (what’s the worst thing you did to one?)
This Month is – National Chicken Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS THINGS KIDS DON’T LEARN IN SCHOOL:

• Life is not fair. Get used to it.
• If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
• Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are.
• Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
• It is not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, YOU are responsible.
• Life is not divided into semesters. You won’t get summers off.
• You are not immortal.
• Enjoy this while you can.

BS ‘LUNA LUNACY’:
All the answers to the following contain the word ‘moon’ –
• Ryan O’Neal and daughter Tatum starred in this famous movie. [“Paper Moon”]
• A famous Andy Williams song and the name of his theater in Branson, Missouri. [“Moon River”]
• She’s Martin’s home health care provider on the TV show “Frasier”. [‘Daphne Moon’]
• Played by Gale Gordon, he was Lucille Ball’s boss on “Here’s Lucy”. [‘Mr Mooney’]
• Chocolate covered graham cracker cookies with marshmallow in the middle. [‘Moon Pies’]
• Nicolas Cage and the Flying Elvis’s starred in this movie. [“Honeymoon In Vegas”]
• The former drummer with The Who who died of an overdose. [Keith Moon]
• Jackie Gleason & Audrey Meadows starred in this early TV sitcom. [“The Honeymooners”]
• Van Morrison had a hit with this song. [“Moon Dance”]
• The trophy you get if you win an MTV Video Music Award. [Moon Man]

ODD TOWN, CANADA QUIZ:
We give you the oddly-named community, you guess the province or territory it’s in –
• Bastard (ON)
• Alaska (PEI)
• Chicken (SK)
• Snag (Yukon)
• Cereal (AB)
• Ass Hill (NF)
• Finger (MB)
• Thumb Island (NWT)
• Old Sweat (NS)
• Shitagoo Lake (QC)

ODD TOWN, AMERICA QUIZ:
We give you the oddly-named community, you guess the state it’s in –
• Zap (North Dakota)
• Beer Bottle Crossing (Idaho)
• Tumtum (Washington)
• Big Ugly (West Virginia)
• Accident (Maryland)
• Bald Head (Maine)
• Bald Knob (Arkansas)
• Frostproof (Florida)
• Beaver Lick (Kentucky)
• Climax (there’s one in Pennsylvania, another in Ohio)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, this is the #1 thing that a woman would take to a deserted island with her.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Her sister.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Daydream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today. – James Dean


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