Friday, September 28, 2001        Edition: #2142
Another Sheetload of Fun!

TODAY is “Ask a Stupid Question Day”, created by some unknown keener who decided that ‘asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake’. Questions like . . .
• Is there another word for ‘synonym’?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
• Do women like silent men because they think they’re listening?
• Just where ARE the four corners of the world?
• Why do they lock gas station washrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Why do women open their mouths when applying mascara?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Celine Dion hosts a 5-hour show in Montréal to benefit survivors of the 9/11 terrorist attacks that features some 200 Québec artists, including the world famous Cirque du Soleil . . . TOMORROW Jay Leno does a free comedy show at the Las Vegas MGM Grand in an effort to boost the city’s ailing tourism industry . . . TOMORROW’S annual “Farm Aid Concert” in Noblesville IN will be dedicated as a “Concert for America”, and as usual features co-founders Willie Nelson, Neil Young & John Mellencamp . . . TOMORROW country singers Lorrie Morgan and Sammy Kershaw will wed, her 5th, his 3rd (guess it’s no coincidence their album of duets is titled “I Finally Found Someone”) . . . TOMORROW the New York Friars Club will skewer “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner at its annual celebrity roast dinner, a tradition since 1904 (a 75-year-old diehard Viagra user with 7 live-in girlfriends – what a set-up for jokes!) . . . SUNDAY the annual “Prairie Music Awards” will be handed out at Edmonton’s Winspear Centre, with Painting Daisies and Wide Mouth Mason leading nominations with 4 apiece and Ian Tyson to be inducted into the Prairie Music Hall of Fame (how’s come there’s no TV coverage?). . . And Madonna’s childhood home in Michigan has failed to sell in an Internet auction, after prank bidders drove the price up to $99 MILLION and scared all the serious buyers away.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Ben Stiller directs and stars in “Zoolander”, a comedy about a clueless male fashion model who’s brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia (the World Trade Center has been digitally removed from several background shots) . . . Anthony Hopkins plays a mysterious stranger who changes the lives of a widowed mother and her son in the Stephen King story “Hearts in Atlantis” . . . Michael Douglas stars as a psychiatrist whose daughter is kidnapped in the thriller “Don’t Say a Word”.

PLEASE, NO CHICK FLICKS!
Save your marriage, see a happy movie this weekend! A researcher interviewing movie-goers as they exited theaters found that those who had viewed a happy movie were more positive about their marriages than those who had just watched a tear-jerker.

BULLY FOR YOU:
Seems bullies like to stick together. According to a study by psychologist Dorothy Espelage of the University of Illinois, 75% of bullies say their best buds are — other bullies. (So that’s why radio station GMs hang out together!)

LASTING BOND?
TOMORROW Manco Inc, maker of ‘Duck’-brand duct tape, is hosting a wedding at Universal Studios in Hollywood for the winners of its ‘Stuck On You’ contest. The lucky (?) winners, identified only as Kevin and Joyce, will tie the knot in an unconventional ceremony in which all the apparel and accessories, including the bridal gown and tux, are made of duct tape. Canadian sculptor Todd Scott has even fashioned the bride’s and bridesmaids’ bouquets, and a wedding cake totally from tape. (‘Red Green’ would be proud.) (We’re guessing the bride’s wearing silvery-gray.)
NET: http://www.manco.com

ONCE A DWEEB . . .
It’s official — the meek do NOT inherit the babes! A Finnish study found that the 259 men who had never married of some 3,500 surveyed were shorter, lighter and thinner than ‘normal’ guys at age 15. (Any chance they were also smarter?)

PLEASE, PLAY IT AGAIN!
Medical researchers say music can stimulate the same parts of the brain as food and sex. A joint American-Canadian research team using scanners to determine which parts of the brain react to ‘spine-tingling’ tunes, found that many of the brain functions associated with orgasm response also react to music. (Ah, that explains Britney Spears’ grunting and gasping all through “I’ma Slave 4 U”.)

TOUCHY, TOUCHY!
The state of Utah Supreme Court has just ruled that grabbing your own crotch in public is illegal because it simulates masturbation. (Hey judges, simulate this!)

TIFF THERAPY:
Annoyed with your mate? Marriage and family expert Dr Paul Coleman says you should envision your partner ‘wrapped in a white light’ when you’re feeling critical in order to help stifle your petty irritations. (If you’re REALLY steamed, try picturing them wrapped in a white sheet.)

GET A GRIP:
According to a new study, people with really strong grips and firm handshakes tend to be healthier. (George Michael should live to be 100.)

TOFU OR NOT TOFU?
A long-term study by the Hawaii Center for Health Research found that men who ate the most tofu during their mid-40s to mid-60s showed the most signs of mental decline 30 years later. The consumption of tofu 2 or more times a week was detrimental to brain function, and the more tofu eaten, the greater the likelihood of mental deterioration. (Which would be the only reason someone would keep eating the stuff!)

THE BULL SHEET 09.28.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [67] Brigitte Bardot, Paris FRA, ex-actress (“And God Created Woman”)/animal rights activist

1964 [37] Janeane Garofalo, Newton NJ, film actress (“Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle”, “Dogma”)/ex-TV actress (“Ben Stiller Show”, “Larry Sanders Show”, Saturday Night Live”)

1967 [34] Mira Sorvino, Tenafly NJ, movie actress (“Summer of Sam”, Oscar-“Mighty Aphrodite”)  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Mariah Carey in the crime drama “Wise Girls”, shot in Halifax and due out NEXT YEAR

1972 [29] Gwyneth Paltrow, LA CA, movie actress (“Duets”, Oscar-“Shakespeare in Love”) NEXT FILM: The comedy “The Royal Tenenbaums”, co-starring Gene Hackman & Ben Stiller, opening DECEMBER 25

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [66] Jerry Lee Lewis (“Killer”), Ferriday LA, oldies rock ‘n roll singer (“Great Balls of Fire”)

1948 [53] Bryant Gumbel, New Orleans LA, CBS-TV host (“The Early Show”, “Survivor Reunion” shows)

SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [43] Marty Stuart, Philadelphia MS, country singer (“The Whiskey Ain’t Workin”)

1964 [37] Robby Takac, Buffalo NY, rock musician (Goo Goo Dolls-“Iris”)

1971 [30] Jenna Elfman (Butala), LA CA, TV sitcom actress (Dharma Montgomery-“Dharma & Gregg”, since 1997)

1980 [21] Martina Hingis, Kosice SLOV, top-rated pro tennis player

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Sunday the annual “James Dean Festival” in his hometown of Fairmount IN will attract some 25,000 fans from around-the-world, despite the fact he only made 3 major movies (“Giant”, “East of Eden”, “Rebel Without a Cause”) and died 46 years ago in 1955.
PHONER: 765-948-4555 (Fairmount Historical Museum)
NET: http://www.jamesdean.com/festival/index.html

TODAY is “Native American Day”, observed on the 4th Friday each September. According to the US Bureau of the Census, the number of Indigenous people in America is increasing, and there is a renewed interest in learning American Indian languages.

TOMORROW is “Michaelmas”, the feast day of St Michael the Archangel, the patron saint of exorcists. It’s also known as “Goose Day” in some places, thanks to the old English proverb which says, “If you eat goose on Michaelmas Day, you will never want money all the year round.”

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Former Prime Minister (1968-79, 1980-84) Pierre Elliott Trudeau dies in Montréal at age 80 (setting off another round of ‘Trudeaumania’ nationwide)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1991 [10] 1st country album to debut at #1 on country chart AND pop chart (“Ropin’ the Wind” by Garth Brooks)

1995 [06] 1st MLB pitcher to pitch with both hands (uh, not at the same time — Montréal Expo Greg Harris faces 4 Cincinnati batters, throwing to 2 of them right-handed and 2 left-handed)

1997 [04] ‘DVD’ format officially unveiled at 103rd convention of Audio Engineering Society in NYC (turning your $500 VCR into a doorstop)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1919 [82] Fastest-ever MLB game as Giants beat Phillies 6-1 in just 51 minutes

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Ham Day
[Sun] Good Neighbor Day
National Dog Week
National Sea Cadet Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:

The first TV show to feature the cartoon characters ‘Rocky’ and ‘Bullwinkle’ was Jay Ward Productions’ “Rocky and His Friends” which ran from SEPTEMBER 29, 1959 to September 3, 1961 and was seen on Saturday evenings from 6:30-7:00 on ABC-TV.
“ROCKY & BULLWINKLE” ANNIVERSARY QUIZ:

Q: What were the complete names of ‘Rocky’, ‘Bullwinkle’, ‘Boris’ and ‘Natasha’?
A: ‘Rocket J Squirrel’, ‘Bullwinkle J Moose’, ‘Boris Badenov’ and ‘Natasha Fatale’.

Q: Where did ‘Bullwinkle the Moose’ live?
A: Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.

Q: Who played ‘Fearless Leader’ in LAST YEAR’S feature film, “The Adventures of Rocky &
Bullwinkle”?
A: It was none other than Robert De Niro. (Not one of his Oscar-winning roles.)
(Source: “Entertainment Almanac”, “Internet Movie Data Base”)

BS TAG LINE: There is nothing wrong with sex on television, just as long as you don’t fall off.


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