Wednesday, September 19, 2001        Edition: #2135
Here’s Whaasszzsuup . . .

MORE BS QUESTIONS BEGGING BS ANSWERS:
• Is a friend somebody who knows you, but likes you anyway?
• How come the most popular people at school are the ones that everyone hates?
• Did Einstein formulate his relativity theory, that space and time are the same thing, because he kept showing up for meetings 3 miles late?
• Wouldn’t you rather be disliked for who you are than liked for who you aren’t?
• If your girlfriend wants you to be more affectionate, does that mean you need to get a 2nd
girlfriend?
• Can you be a ‘closet claustrophobic’?
• If all the whole world’s a stage and we must all play a part, could we get some new writers?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Ernie Coombs, longtime host of Canadian kids’ show “Mr Dressup” [over 4,000 shows 1967-96 after being brought to the CBC by his mentor ‘Mr Rogers’] has gone to the big ‘tickle trunk’ in the sky at age 73 (he’s survived by ‘Casey’ and ‘Finnegan’) . . . The 1st ever multi-network telethon seems to be coming together for this FRIDAY night, a 2-hour benefit for disaster relief on the USA’s big 4 nets (celebs expected include George Clooney, Jim Carrey, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Clint Eastwood and Billy Joel) . . . Rocker Jon Bon Jovi is in talks to replace Robert Downey Jr as Calista Flockhart’s love interest on “Ally McBeal” . . . Word is Madonna has decided the “Drowned World Tour” will be her last . . . A line of Elvis Presley wear is set to hit the market NEXT SPRING, including the pegged pants, broad shoulder jackets and snazzy sports shirts made famous by ‘The King’.

FUTURE FILMS:
Release of Gwyneth Paltrow’s new movie “A View From The Top” is being delayed because it’s about a pair of flight attendants . . . Ben Affleck’s latest, “The Sum Of All Fears”, about a nuke threat to the Super Bowl, is also likely to be postponed . . . Plot details are leaking out about “The Matrix 2” — the story involves cloning and features a spectacular action scene where ‘Neo’ (Keanu Reeves) fights 100 replicas of himself . . . ABC-TV is developing a musical adaptation of the 1984 Kevin Bacon movie “Footloose”, which will include original songs from the best-selling movie soundtrack but not the original artists . . . Actor and former “E! Talk Soup” host Greg Kinnear has signed on to play late “Hogan’s Heroes” star Bob Crane in “Autofocus”, a biographical film recounting his murder.

SMELLY VISION:
Swiss fragrance company Givaudan has been experimenting with ‘aroma release mechanisms’ in theater-seat armrests in order to heighten the ‘movie-going experience’. (Movies that would be really different in ‘see-n-smell’ – “Planet of the Apes”?, “101 Dalmatians”?, “Gladiator”? . . . “Basic Instinct”?)

TAKE HER PARENT’S LICENSE AWAY:
This DECEMBER a UK schoolgirl is due to become one of Britain’s youngest-ever mothers after becoming pregnant at age ELEVEN. Seems the girl was having regular sex with her older boyfriend — who’s FOURTEEN. The girl’s mother, who had her first child at 16, reacted philosophically by saying, “These things happen.”

COW BAIT:
Swaziland’s king has forbidden male citizens from having sex with teenage girls for the next 5 years, and created a new fine of ONE COW for those breaking the law. (And from now on, you’ll be fined one teenage girl for having sex with . . . oh never mind.)

CLUELESS:
Psychologist Dr David Dunning has completed an intensive study of incompetent people and found they are the least likely to realize just how useless they are. He reckons that’s because the skills needed for competence are the same ones needed to recognize it. The findings may explain why people with a lousy sense of humor insist on telling bad jokes.

DRIVE-THRU SERVICE?
A Boston company has announced plans to open up discount breast-enlargement centers to be called — ‘Jiffy Boob’. (‘Front-end alignments’ starting at $1,000.)

JUST CALL ME ‘BOB’:
A recent study finds that males lose an average of 24% of their ‘manhood’ between the ages of 21 and 73. (Talk about being short on retirement!)

THE BULL SHEET 09.19.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [77] Don Harron, Toronto ON, actor (‘Charlie Farquharson’)/playwright (“Anne of Green Gables”)

1928 [73] Adam West (William Anderson), Walla Walla WA, TV actor (Dr Noah Goddard/Breathtaker-”Black Scorpion”, Batman/Bruce Wayne-“Batman” [1966-68])

1940 [61] Bill Medley, Santa Ana CA, oldies singer (Righteous Bros-“You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”, “Soul & Inspiration”)

1948 [53] Jeremy Irons, Cowes ENG, film actor (“Die Hard: With a Vengeance”, Academy Award-“Reversal of Fortune”)  NEXT FILM: The sci-fi thriller “The Time Machine”, which originally showed pieces of the Moon falling on NYC but is now to be re-shot, delaying release 2 months until FEBRUARY

1951 [50] Daniel Lanois, Hull PQ, music producer (U2, Peter Gabriel)/rock singer-songwriter (“Sling Blade” soundtrack, “The Maker”)

1964 [37] Trisha Yearwood, Monticello GA, country star (“I Would’ve Loved You Anyway”, “You’re Where I Belong”)

1974 [27] Jimmy Fallon, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (“Saturday Night Live”, “2001 MTV Movie Awards” host, Lt Rice-“Band of Brothers”)/movie actor (“Almost Famous”)
   
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .

TODAY is “National Vision Rehabilitation Day”. (Mom warned you you’d go blind.)

If that episode of “Fear Factor” where contestants consumed ‘bison bits’ grossed you out, be thankful you weren’t in Clinton MT over the weekend where the annual “Testicle Festival” was held. More than 2 tons of what locals call ‘Rocky Mountain Oysters’ were served up, thanks to local bulls with high-pitched moos. The festival’s slogan — ‘Have a Ball!’
PHONER: 406-825-4868 (Rod Lincoln)
NET: http://www.testyfesty.com

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1991 5,000-year-old ‘Iceman’, oldest mummified human body ever found intact, discovered by a tourist in the Alps (later determined to be just Dan Rather who’d fallen in a snowbank)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1649 [352] 1st tavern in Canada opens in Quebec City

1932 [69] 1st ‘sound cartoon’ premieres (Mickey Mouse in “Steamboat Willie”)

1994 [07] 1st episode of “ER” on NBC

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Student Day
[Fri] UN International Day of Peace
[Sat] 1st day of Autumn
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards cancelled
[Sept 25] One Hit Wonders Day
Tolkein Week
National Rice Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
AUSSIE BAR LINGO:
(discretion advised)
• Breaking the Seal: Your 1st washroom visit in a bar, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After  ‘breaking the seal’ of your bladder, repeat visits will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
• Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
• Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at a bar while you’re in the john after your 10th drink, which whisks away all the unattractive people so the place is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
• Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you’re too hammered to remember where you live, how you get there and where you’ve come from.
• NBR: ‘No Beers Required’. Someone you’d hit on instantly in a bar. The opposite of a ‘10-Pinter’.
• BOBFOC: ‘Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.’
• Aussie Kiss: Similar to a ‘French kiss’, but given down under.
(Thanks to James Anderson, Sun-FM)

ACTUAL POORLY WORDED ADS:
• “Dinner Special: Turkey $6.95, Chicken or Beef $5.95, Children $4.”
• “For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.”
• “Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.”
• “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
• “We build bodies that last a lifetime.”
(Source: Comedy Central)

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Worldwide, 2 billion people live in homes that don’t have any of these.
A: Light bulbs.

Q: What’s Smokey the Bear’s middle name?
A: ‘The’.

BS TAG LINE: I feel tired today. I’m moving slower than Angelina Jolie’s doctor at check-up time.


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