Monday, September 10, 2001        Edition: #2128
Bullseye!

THINGS YOU DON’T WANNA HEAR AT THE TATTOO PARLOR:
• “Eagle? I thought you said beagle!”
• “We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”
• “There are 2 ‘O’s in Bob, right?”
• “Damn, I hate it when I get the hiccups.”
• “OOPS!”

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” reports the 1st-ever ‘reality show’ “Emmy Awards” went to CBS-TV’s “Survivor” and PBS’ “American High” at the Creative Arts portion of the Emmys presented SATURDAY.
• “PageSix.com” reports Madonna’s touring crew has a new nickname for her – ‘Andrea’, after Andrea Yates, the vicious Texas mom who drowned her own children in JUNE. What’s her problem? The tab speculates it’s marital problems with director husband Guy Ritchie, added to the stress of the physically demanding “Drowned World” tour. Meantime, a popular Brit TV host tells “London Daily Mail” she was romantically involved with Ritchie while Madonna was pregnant with son Rocco. 6-ft blonde Tania Strecker, who hosts a dating show called “Beachmate”, calls Ritchie ‘the love of my life’ and says Madonna is ‘frightened’ of her.
• “Star” claims Jennifer Lopez is devastated that her dream of a picture-perfect wedding is turning into a nightmare. The tab says family and friends are pressuring her to postpone her rumored marriage THIS MONTH to dancer fiancé Cris Judd, calling the match a huge mistake.
• Actor Kiefer Sutherland is feeling positive these days, with a new TV spy series called “24″ about to debut on FOX, and hopes of reconciling with estranged wife Kelly. “Star” says Kiefer recently bought the house right next door to hers in Toronto so he can be close to their kids while she considers the idea.
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Nicole Kidman is working hard to sabotage ex-hubby Tom Cruise’s new romance by ridiculing Penelope Cruz to his pals and depicting her as a ‘frivolous airhead’. What’s more, the tab claims, vengeful Nicole has told her kids they do not have to obey Penelope. (Obey her? They can’t even understand her!)
• Two former financial advisers have filed a $25-million lawsuit against Michael Jackson, claiming they were never paid for accounting and investment advice, “New York Post” reports. Jackson’s camp claims the lawsuit is frivolous. (But just in case, he’s considering a series of concerts for the anniversary of his 1st nosejob.)
• According to UK’s “Sun”, psychiatrists were so concerned by Mariah Carey’s erratic behavior when her brother Morgan dropped her off at that LA clinic for a check-up, they obtained a court order to hold her for psychiatric treatment for 2 weeks. (Is there a celebrity they wouldn’t commit?)
• Extracts from the upcoming biography “Somebody Someday” published in YESTERDAY’S “News of the World”, say Brit pop star Robbie Williams became addicted to sex with strangers after giving up booze and drugs. (A rock star who boinks groupies. Shocking!)
• “People” magazine’s annual ‘Best & Worst Dressed Celebrities’ issue has selected Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Aniston, Michelle Yeoh, Penelope Cruz, Gwyneth Paltrow and Venus Williams among the ‘best’. The ‘worst dressed’ list includes Serena Williams, Michael Jackson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Christina Aguilera, Mena Suvari and “E!” fashion critic Melissa Rivers, daughter/collaborator of red carpet commentator Joan.

REVIEWS OF “THE MUSKETEER”:
• “So bad it might qualify as a coming-of-age pain ritual in some Burundian tribes.” — “Film Freak”
• “Life is too short to waste on movies like ‘The Musketeer’!” — “Matinee Magazine”
• “If this is Dumas, there’s a ‘b’ in the middle and an extra ‘s’ on the end.” — “USA Today”

WEB GOODIES:
• A psychologist at England’s Hertfordshire University has launched a year-long Internet-based search for the ‘world’s funniest joke’. Richard Wiseman’s ‘Laugh Lab’ Website allows visitors to submit their favorite jokes as well as vote on those already listed. Wiseman hopes to find the differences in humor in various countries.
NET: http://www.laughlab.co.uk/home.html
• Wanna be a rock superstar? Find out what your name should be. Simply fill your real name (or a  a listener’s) into the ‘Glam Rock Name Generator’ and click!
http://www.newline-shop.com/media/hedwig/rockname/index.html

PICKING A ‘DATE’ MOVIE:
More people get frisky after watching a ‘chick flick’ than a  macho ‘action movie’. In a recent study, more than half of test couples became passionate after watching “Up Close and Personal”, while just 22% where up for it after watching “Rush Hour”. Not only did the chick flick result in a higher degree of sexual activity, but 54% of the couples reported they felt closer after it. Just 9% felt more intimate after the action film. (The best date movie this year?)

COLLECTIBLES CON:
An LA man has been indicted for selling about $230,000 worth of fake Disney memorabilia to a collectibles dealer. The FBI estimates that $1 billion is spent each year on celebrity memorabilia, 90% of which is probably not legitimate. (The dealer should’ve caught on after being shown the ‘Aladdin lamp’ that easily converts to a working bong.)

FAMILY FOCAL POINT:
“House & Garden” mag reports the kitchen has become THE center of modern homes, a multi-purpose room not only for cooking, but also entertaining and relaxing. At the same time, decorators say the need for a separate dining room is quickly diminishing. (I say if you can’t eat it over the sink, it ain’t worth messin’ with.)

BS FACTS OF LIFE:
• Laughing 100 times per day provides the same cardiovascular benefits as 10 minutes of rowing. (But it won’t get you across the lake.)
• 81% of all vegetarians are women. (The other 19% are birds.)
• Studies show that 1 in 6 couples has problems conceiving. (The rest are teenagers.)

THE BULL SHEET 09.10.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [72] Arnold Palmer, Youngstown PA, golf legend

1948 [53] Margaret (Sinclair-Trudeau) Kemper, Vancouver BC, former Mrs Pierre Trudeau (1968-1979)/author (“Beyond Reason”) NOTE: Actress  Polly Shannon will portray her in “Trudeau”, a 2-part mini-series on CBC-TV NEXT SPRING (Colm Feore is playing the part of PET)

1950 [51] Joe Perry, Boston MA, rock guitarist (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing)

1960 [41] Colin Firth, Grayshott ENG, movie actor (“Bridget Jones’ Diary”, “Shakespeare in Love”, “The English Patient”)

1963 [38] Randy Johnson (‘The Big Unit’), Walnut Creek CA, MLB pitcher (Arizona Diamondbacks)

1966 [35] Joe Nieuwendyk, Oshawa ON, NHL center (Dallas Stars)

1966 [35] Miles Zuniga, Laredo TX, rock singer/guitarist (Fastball-“You’re An Ocean”, “The Way”)

1974 [27] Ryan Phillippe (FIL-uh-pee), New Castle DE, movie actor (“Cruel Intentions”, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”)/Mr Reese Witherspoon, since 1999

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Calgary] “Canadian Country Music Awards”

TODAY is officially “Swap Ideas Day”, set aside to encourage creative thinking and new solutions to old problems. (Then your co-worker will take all the credit.)

TODAY is “National Employee/Boss Exchange Day”, designed to help bosses and employees appreciate each other by exchanging points of view. (“Boss, from my point of view I deserve a raise.” “Well, that’s interesting because the view from over here says you’re fired.”)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 “Will & Grace” wins ‘Best Comedy’ and “The West Wing” wins ‘Best Drama’ at the “2000 Primetime Emmy Awards” (will they be repeat winners this SUNDAY?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [104] 1st convicted ‘drunk driver’ drives cab into building (George Smith-London ENG)

1953 [48] 1st ‘TV dinner’ (Swanson)

1993 [08] 1st episode of “The X-Files” premieres on FOX-TV

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1858 [143] John Holden hits the 1st recorded baseball ‘home run’ (for Brooklyn vs NY)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] 911 Day
[Tues] No News is Good News Day
[Wed] Video Games Day
[Wed] National Pet Memorial Day
[Sun] 2001 Terry Fox Run
Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week (what’s the worst thing you ever did to one?)
National Impotence Month (I’m up for it!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
RADIO REALITY:

The new TV reality show “Lost” looks like a good one to adapt to radio. If you haven’t seen it, “Lost” features 3 pairs of players who are provided with basic survival needs as they make their way from a secret location (Mongolia) to NYC’s Statue of Liberty. The first team to reach the goal splits $200,000. Scale it down to 3 blindfolded players who are dropped off with no money somewhere in your market area. Then have them race to be first to reach the radio station for a prize.

THE LONGEST COMMUTE:
Take calls to find the listener with the longest daily commute to work and award them limo service for a  day/week/month. Make sure they have a cell phone to check in with regular traffic updates.

BS TAKE YOUR PICK:
• Just what exactly is ‘Mickey Mouse’s’ relationship to ‘Minnie Mouse’ – husband & wife, brother & sister, or boyfriend & girlfriend? [They’re mousefriends that have been ‘dating’ for 73 years now.]
• On average, how often do elephants mate — every 4 days, every 4 months or every 4 years? [Every 4 years, about the same as humans who’ve been married over a decade.]
• OK, so how many times does a snail mate in its lifetime – 10, 3, or 1? [Only once, but they make the best of it, taking 12 hours or more to consummate mating!]

BS TAG LINE:
Reality’s a nice place to visit, but I sure wouldn’t want to live there.


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