Wednesday, September 5, 2001        Edition: #2125

SEPTEMBER is “Self-Improvement Month”. So here’s a look at . . .

• “Recalling Bad Jokes”
• “Guilt Without Sex”
• “Molding Your Child’s Behaviour Through Guilt & Fear”
• “Skate Yourself to Regularity”
• “Self-Actualization Through Macrame”
• “Sinus Drainage at Home”
• “The Underachiever’s Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities”
• “Creative Tooth Decay”
• “Gambling Your Way to Prosperity”
• “Creative Suffering”

Canadian jazz singer/pianist Diana Krall says she’s interested in a second career in the movies (“The Jazz Singer”?) . . . J-Lo’s new fashion line is soon set to hit stores, with low-slung jeans, leather skirts and tiny T-shirts priced from $20 to $850 (alas, no green Versace dress) . . . There are reports the 6-passenger Cessna 402B, the doomed plane Aaliyah died on, was hired to pick to pick up 5 people – not 8 . . . On tour with Sheryl Crow, ex-Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks has apparently become quite the diva, demanding her own private plane, lavish hotel suites and special food, and dragging around an entourage that includes a yoga instructor, hair and makeup artists, a dietician, personal trainer and masseuse (hey, spend it like you still got it) . . . And Glenn Boyanowski, the ex-boyfriend “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch recently wrestled outside his home, is now claiming Richard is battling depression, has ballooned to 280 lbs, prowls the Internet for lovers and pumps himself up with Viagra (hell hath no fury . . .).

Canada’s Defence Department is considering banning beards on sailors, a long-standing naval tradition that goes back to the early days of the British Royal Navy. Seems there’s concerns they may pose a safety hazard. (The main problem with banning beards will be changing all the little pictures of that navy guy on Player’s cigarette packs.)

A new study in the “Canadian Medical Association Journal” finds that 95% of eating disorder cases are among girls. A shocking 27% of Canadian girls age 12-18 show symptoms of eating disorders such as ‘binging and purging’. But researchers say boys have their own probs – instead of being rail-thin, they feel pressured to bulk up and develop a ‘6-pack’. (But fear not, teens! After you get through the angst of youth, your ‘binging’ no longer involves ‘purging’ and your ‘6-pack’ has nothing to do with abs.)

In just 3 years, your travel plans may be out of this world. ‘Mini Station 1′, the first commercial orbiting station specially designed for space tourists, is scheduled to launch in 2004. Operated by Russia’s Energiya space corporation and partner MirCorp, it will host 3 cosmonauts at a time for up to 20 days. (So what 2 people would you wanna be stuck in a space station with for 20 days?)

According to fashion gurus, black is THE fall color. The hip and always slimming hue was all over the catwalks in Paris winter collections from Givenchy, Chanel, Louis Vuitton and Yves St Laurent. Nicole Kidman, Estella Warren (“Planet of the Apes”) and Catherine Zeta-Jones are among celebs who’ve recently gone black. (No word yet if they’ve come back.)

(You’ve obviously been ignoring this week’s REAL news!)
• “How Many Encounters Does It Take to Make a Man Gay?”
• “World’s Fattest Man is Missing!”
• “Confessions of a Pizza Deliveryman!”
• “The Nazi UFO Nightmare!”
• “Earth Will Be a Wasteland in Just Five Years, Scientists Warn!”
• “Cuba Launches Shark Attack on US!”

• A company in India has begun selling bottled cow urine as a cure for a range of diseases and so far demand is outstripping supply. The idea came about after researching ancient Hindu texts which suggested the cure, then one of the group saying: “Wouldn’t it be funny if we could really get people to drink cow urine?” (In Canada, it will be marketed as an American beer.)
• The Israeli army is looking into setting up a sperm bank for its soldiers so their wives and/or girlfriends could still have children should the soldiers be killed in the line of duty. (That should be a real boon to recruiting — “Join the Army: It’s So Dangerous You’d Better Put Some Aside.”)
• A British doctor says a new cannabis spray applied under the tongue has proven to be effective in relieving chronic pain. (The doc says the spray not only allows you to control the dosage, it also means you can still get high when you’re out of matches.)
• A husband in Equador believes his pregnant wife is carrying the Devil’s baby! Why? Seems she suffers fits during which she gains superhuman strength and spits and kicks out at anyone who comes near her. (Uh bud, I don’t know how far along she is but she may just be in labor.)
• There’s a new fad in Taiwan where motorists have begun installing blinds over the windows of their vehicles. To reduce heat inside? Nope. To cut done on glare from the sun? Naw. You see, Taiwan recently banned cell phone use while driving and . . . well, you get the picture.


1921 [80] Jack Valenti, Houston TX, longtime president of the Motion Picture Association of America

1929 [72] Bob Newhart, Oak Park IL, comedian who had several TV sitcoms (“Newhart”, “Bob”)

1939 [62] George Lazenby, Goulburn AUS, movie actor who played role of ‘James Bond’ in one movie only, 1969’s “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”, then lost the job after holding out for more money

1940 [61] Raquel Welch (Tejada), Chicago IL, aging former movie ‘sex symbol’ (“Legally Blonde”, “100 Rifles”)

1950 [51] Cathy Guisewite, Dayton OH, comic strip cartoonist (“Cathy”)

1969 [32] Dweezil Zappa, Hollywood CA, sometime TV personality (“Happy Hour”)/movie actor (“Jack Frost”)/cartoon voicist (“Duckman”)/rock musician who’s made a living from his celebrity as Frank Zappa’s son

1975 [26] Rose McGowan, Florence ITA, TV actress (Paige Halliwell-“Charmed” [replacing departed pain-in-the-butt Shannon Doherty])/movie actress (“Monkeybone”, “Scream”)

[Procrastinators’ Club] “Be Late For Something Day”

TODAY Jean Chrétien is said to be set up to play golf in a foursome with Tiger Woods at a preliminary pro-am event at the Bell Canadian Open at the Royal Montreal Golf Club. A spokesman at the Prime Minister’s Office confirmed Sunday that Chrétien will play, but refused to give details on possible partners. If it happens, the PM likely won’t embarrass himself — on his last outing, he shot a respectable 80.

TOMORROW night Britney Spears will perform on stage with real live cheetahs at the “MTV Video Music Awards” in  New York.

1698 [303] 1st ‘tax on beards’, instituted by Czar Peter the Great in Russia (don’t let the feds hear about this!)

1885 [116] 1st ‘gasoline pump’, in Ft Wayne IN (before you had to buy by the handful)

1914 [87] Babe Ruth hits 1st pro HR, playing for minor league Providence team in Toronto

1998 [03] Aerosmith’s 1st #1 hit (“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the movie “Armageddon” stays on top entire month of September)

1995 [06] Baltimore’s Cal Ripken ties Lou Gehrig’s MLB ‘iron man’ record by playing in 2,130th consecutive game

[Thurs] Fight Procrastination Day
[Thurs] Toronto Film Festival begins
[Fri] Country Music Week begins (Calgary)
Self-University Week (do you still have ‘Homecoming’?)
Cable TV Month


• “You suck!” is so passé. Want a new heckle for a baseball game? Try the ‘Heckle Depot’.
• Help listeners name their new beasts with the ‘Pet Name Finder’.
• As a public service to listeners, how about some ‘Garbage Picking Tips’?

Two of the following are true while one is pure BS, but which one?
GAME #1 —
• The lungs of an average adult, unfolded and flattened out, would cover an area the size of a tennis court. [FACT]
• Flies have red blood. [BS]
• ‘Dinosaur’ means ‘terrible lizard’. [FACT]

GAME #2 –
• ‘Mickey’ was Walt Disney’s middle name. [BS]
• Orchid bees have tongues that may be twice as long as the bodies. [FACT]
• Reindeer tongue is eaten in Finland. [FACT]

GAME #3 —
• The ‘SS Car Company’ was the original name for the Jaguar car company. [FACT]
• All members of the dog family have 20 toes. [BS]
• Handball is an Olympic sport. [FACT]

When money talks there are few interruptions.

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