September 8, 2000                                               Edition:  #1885

TIGER WOODS’ BS COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE CANADIAN OPEN:     
• Having to drive his golf cart wearing a seat belt.
• Dad looks like an ass wearing that toque.
• Has no idea how to convert 7-iron to metric.
• Canadian media keeps asking his opinion of Celine Dion.
• Some guy named Stockwell keeps trying to get into limelight by demanding to be caddy.
• Overly-courteous Canadians keep calling him Eldrick.
• Officials seem reluctant to just give him the trophy now and let him go home.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the video for “Beautiful Day”, first single from U2′s upcoming CD “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” debuts on music TV channels . . . Starting TODAY Britney Spears begins dishing out advice for teens at the BBC Website for 2 weeks (should you feel the need to unburden your troubles to Britney, you’ll find her at http://www.bbc.co.uk/so/agony) . . . The longest-running show on Broadway, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats”, closes SUNDAY with an invitation-only show (7,485 performances, $380 million, 10 million patrons since opening October 7, 1982) . . . Now that Meg Ryan has filed for divorce, Dennis Quaid is rumored to be seeing Winona Ryder (because he’s the last Hollywood actor she hadn’t slept with).

EMMY AWARDS FAX:
The 52nd annual TV industry salute to itself airs SUNDAY on ABC and CTV, hosted by Garry Shandling. “The West Wing” and “The Sopranos” lead the list of nominees with 18 nominations each. “Will & Grace” leads the comedy field with 11 noms. Many Emmy nominees will be wearing gold ribbons as a show of solidarity with striking actors’ unions. PREDICTION: As a sentimental tribute, watch for Michael J Fox to pick up one last Emmy for “Spin City” (a 3-hankie event).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
James Spader plays a detective tracking serial killer Keanu Reeves in the thriller “The Watcher” (instead of his usual $15 million, Reeves worked for scale in return for having his participation downplayed) . . . Renée Zellweger, Chris Rock and Morgan Freeman in “Nurse Betty”, a comedy about a widow’s obsession with a soap star.

QUICKIES:
• Sounds like a storyline from “The West Wing”, but the buzz is Chelsea Clinton has a thing going with a White House intern. (Like father, like daughter).
• Here comes another one of those British ‘reality’ TV shows — “Jailbreak”, where cameras are trained on contestants trapped in a prison 24/7 as they attempt to plan and execute an escape while watched by more than 30 real prison guards. The first to freedom gets £100,000! (Loser gets an extra pack of smokes weekly and a regular Saturday night date with a screw named ‘Sally’.)
• A report from Australia says a 79-year-old woman in a nursing home performed an exotic dance for fellow residents, removing everything but her pacemaker. The impromptu striptease caused one elderly man to die, two to go into shock and five more to be treated for “over-excitement”. (Another is in satisfactory condition after suffering “denture-burn”.)

THE BULL SHEET 09.08.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1970    [30] Latrell Sprewell, Milwaukee WI, NBA player (NY Knicks)/coach choker who served 1-year suspension from Golden State Warriors
1971    [29] David Arquette, Winchester VA, film actor (“Never Been Kissed”, “Scream 1-3″)/Mr Courteney Cox/Patricia & Rosanna Arquette’s brother

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1960    [40] Hugh Grant, London ENG, film actor (“Notting Hill”)/Elizabeth Hurley’s on-again/off-again NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Renée Zellweger in “Bridget Jones’ Diary” coming next year
1966    [34] Adam Sandler, Brooklyn Ny, movie actor (“Big Daddy”, “The Waterboy”) NEXT FILM: Plays trouble-causing son of Satan in “Little Nicky”, opening this November
1970    [30] Joey Hamilton, Statesboro GA, MLB pitcher (Toronto Blue Jays)
1980    [20] Michelle Williams, Kalispell MT, TV actress (Jennifer Lindley-“Dawson’s Creek”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “International Literacy Day”

THIS WEEKEND, Christian Surfers United Kingdom (affiliated with Surf Ministries International, don’t you know!) are sponsoring what’s billed as one of Britain’s largest surfboard competitions, the “Jesus Surf Classic 2000″. (Presumably you can just WALK out to where the really big waves are.)

And here’s a couple of celebrations we can likely thank those enterprising folks at Hallmark Cards for — SATURDAY is “Aunts Day”, a day of recognition for ‘those special women in our lives who provide guidance and humor’. And SUNDAY is “National Grandparents Day”, just to add a new wrinkle.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997    [03] Innovative comedy-drama “Ally McBeal” debuts on FOX-TV and CTV
1998    [02] St Louis slugger Mark McGwire breaks Roger Maris’ single-season HR record, hitting #62 at Busch Stadium vs Cubs’ Steve Trachsel

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1977    [23] Toronto’s Cindy Nicholas becomes 1st to swim English Channel non-stop — both ways!
1986    [14] 1st edition of syndicated “Oprah Winfrey Show” (still #1 talk show on TV)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Teddy Bear Day
[Sun] Swap Ideas Day
International Self-Awareness Month
Better Breakfast Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
ANIMAL TRUTH OR BS?

• There are more chickens in the world than people. (True!)
• Goats eat tin cans. (BS. They merely nibble at them for the tasty glue on the labels.)
• In Sweden it’s against the law to train a seal to balance a ball on its nose. (True!)
• The blue whale’s navel is the same size as ours. (BS. It’s about 8 inches in diameter.)
• When they leave home, about one-third of pet owners turn on a radio or TV to keep their pets company. (True!)

BS TAG LINE: Silence cannot be misquoted.


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